jellygator
05-21-05, 03:43 AM
Hi everyone,
This will be a long post as I am confused (and more than a little reluctant to seek evaluation.) I was "let go" from my office (I am a real estate agent) and told I was a liability. Picked up immediately by new office, and I am worried that I will continue to have problems. If anyone can actually get through all this, :rolleyes: I could sure use some opinions about whether the (potential?) benefits of seeking treatment outweigh the risks...
Facts:
1. 37 y/o F diagnosed as bipolar about 10 years ago while working in mental health field. Treated with various meds (lithium, depakote, paxil) along the way. I felt there may have been some mild improvement with lithium, but significant others didn't see any.
2. Had different diagnoses from various docs. First considered PTSD, then borderline personality disorder, followed by cyclothymia, then the bipolar, which was then questioned by two other docs who felt there was not "clear evidence of a true manic episode." MMPI testing showed slight (simultaneous) elevations on depression and mania scales.
3. Was told that I would not be able to do my job since I was on meds, and was let go.
4. Always performed very well in school, with the exception of long-term projects (if project took more than a couple weeks, always forgot about it until external source reminded me.) Also, have always been a good listener, at least whenever it counted, which seems to be unusual with ADD according to what I've read.
5. The brief screener I found online says I probably do not have ADD, but after finding a detailed one and asking spouse to comment, he found more than 26 items that matched his observations of me. (20+ considered high likelihood of ADD.)
6. Attention problems show up as follows - often writing wrong words or on the wrong lines of forms, having to do over. Interruptions at work distract me completely and I have trouble returning to tasks afterward. This includes background office noises like snippets of conversation, music, phone calls (I get tons), people walking by my office. I am what I call "verbally dyslexic," particularly with numbers, often transposing two words or numbers, and can not remember numbers precisely (If I need to remember the number 12, will remember it as "either 10 or 12, not sure which.) Missing deadlines - critical to my field. Using a PDA helps a lot, but then I forget to write in tasks, too. :eek: I am very successful at locating houses for buyers and marketing for sellers, but am not so good at follow-up after the sale, despite making effort - seems like there's never enough time.) I sometimes find myself unable to figure out what to do next - thinking I don't really have anything when in fact I know there are at least half a dozen things I should be getting done - if only I could remember what they were.
7. Outside of work, have trouble with procrastinating tasks I dislike, no matter how badly I want them done. (Yes, I actually pay my daughter $10 a load to do my laundry!) Also hypersensitive to noise (like TV and lively conversation when I am trying to get things done) and physical sensations like air flow in a room from a fan (I detest ceiling fans) and even clothing (the bands at the bottom of sweatpants, socks, etc.) I am perpetually late on paying bills that require mailing because I either forget to do it or I get it ready then forget to mail it.
8. As child, was not noted for behavioral problems. Had a "strong will" and "procrastination" - constant messy room, but few temper outbursts until I was a teen. Never was noted as a daydreamer or anything like that. Had pretty chronic history of sexual abuse & neglect. Was often considered very mature and responsible, but also "intense."
Mother has been treated frequently for depression, but bipolar is far more suspect (she stops going to treatment when she gets grandiose and feeling better.) Dad used to give me caffeinated soft drinks when I couldn't sleep because he thought it had a "reverse effect" on me.
9. My family doctor does not believe in ADD. Period. The place where I can get evaluated (within a reasonable distance) is the same place I worked when I first tried to get evaluated. I can't spend a lot of time on doctor appointments. Husband doesn't believe that my focus problems are the result of anything more than not disciplining myself to stay on task better, and have had numerous arguments over the issue of being evaluated. (He doesn't think I should.)
10. Have self-medicated with Sudafed, OTC asthma medication (yes, I have asthma) to help me wake up, as I have so much trouble getting to sleep at night and then as much trouble waking up. I also drink about 6 caffeinated soft drinks a day, can't imagine not using them. Alcohol is something I drink sometimes, but not much or often - perhaps about two shots worth of rum with soda once or twice a month on average. Treated for abusing "white cross" (what I then called speed) when I was 15. Felt it helped me achieve more, wake up better and feel more rested.
11. I am afraid that people may be judgmental (again) if I seek help with this. Have been considering trying the OTC supplement called Becalm'd, although it seems quite expensive, because a) no need to see doc and b) not addictive.
I'm desperate to get over this problem. If medication will truly help, I will go through the much dreaded process of evaluation yet again, but I DO NOT want the endless cycle of appointments and conflicting opinions I faced previously, not to mention the discrimination that can come with the territory.
Opinions? Is it worth it with all the potential conflicts? Is there any reason I shouldn't go the OTC supplement route first? Will OTC supplements potentially help or is it mostly hype?
This will be a long post as I am confused (and more than a little reluctant to seek evaluation.) I was "let go" from my office (I am a real estate agent) and told I was a liability. Picked up immediately by new office, and I am worried that I will continue to have problems. If anyone can actually get through all this, :rolleyes: I could sure use some opinions about whether the (potential?) benefits of seeking treatment outweigh the risks...
Facts:
1. 37 y/o F diagnosed as bipolar about 10 years ago while working in mental health field. Treated with various meds (lithium, depakote, paxil) along the way. I felt there may have been some mild improvement with lithium, but significant others didn't see any.
2. Had different diagnoses from various docs. First considered PTSD, then borderline personality disorder, followed by cyclothymia, then the bipolar, which was then questioned by two other docs who felt there was not "clear evidence of a true manic episode." MMPI testing showed slight (simultaneous) elevations on depression and mania scales.
3. Was told that I would not be able to do my job since I was on meds, and was let go.
4. Always performed very well in school, with the exception of long-term projects (if project took more than a couple weeks, always forgot about it until external source reminded me.) Also, have always been a good listener, at least whenever it counted, which seems to be unusual with ADD according to what I've read.
5. The brief screener I found online says I probably do not have ADD, but after finding a detailed one and asking spouse to comment, he found more than 26 items that matched his observations of me. (20+ considered high likelihood of ADD.)
6. Attention problems show up as follows - often writing wrong words or on the wrong lines of forms, having to do over. Interruptions at work distract me completely and I have trouble returning to tasks afterward. This includes background office noises like snippets of conversation, music, phone calls (I get tons), people walking by my office. I am what I call "verbally dyslexic," particularly with numbers, often transposing two words or numbers, and can not remember numbers precisely (If I need to remember the number 12, will remember it as "either 10 or 12, not sure which.) Missing deadlines - critical to my field. Using a PDA helps a lot, but then I forget to write in tasks, too. :eek: I am very successful at locating houses for buyers and marketing for sellers, but am not so good at follow-up after the sale, despite making effort - seems like there's never enough time.) I sometimes find myself unable to figure out what to do next - thinking I don't really have anything when in fact I know there are at least half a dozen things I should be getting done - if only I could remember what they were.
7. Outside of work, have trouble with procrastinating tasks I dislike, no matter how badly I want them done. (Yes, I actually pay my daughter $10 a load to do my laundry!) Also hypersensitive to noise (like TV and lively conversation when I am trying to get things done) and physical sensations like air flow in a room from a fan (I detest ceiling fans) and even clothing (the bands at the bottom of sweatpants, socks, etc.) I am perpetually late on paying bills that require mailing because I either forget to do it or I get it ready then forget to mail it.
8. As child, was not noted for behavioral problems. Had a "strong will" and "procrastination" - constant messy room, but few temper outbursts until I was a teen. Never was noted as a daydreamer or anything like that. Had pretty chronic history of sexual abuse & neglect. Was often considered very mature and responsible, but also "intense."
Mother has been treated frequently for depression, but bipolar is far more suspect (she stops going to treatment when she gets grandiose and feeling better.) Dad used to give me caffeinated soft drinks when I couldn't sleep because he thought it had a "reverse effect" on me.
9. My family doctor does not believe in ADD. Period. The place where I can get evaluated (within a reasonable distance) is the same place I worked when I first tried to get evaluated. I can't spend a lot of time on doctor appointments. Husband doesn't believe that my focus problems are the result of anything more than not disciplining myself to stay on task better, and have had numerous arguments over the issue of being evaluated. (He doesn't think I should.)
10. Have self-medicated with Sudafed, OTC asthma medication (yes, I have asthma) to help me wake up, as I have so much trouble getting to sleep at night and then as much trouble waking up. I also drink about 6 caffeinated soft drinks a day, can't imagine not using them. Alcohol is something I drink sometimes, but not much or often - perhaps about two shots worth of rum with soda once or twice a month on average. Treated for abusing "white cross" (what I then called speed) when I was 15. Felt it helped me achieve more, wake up better and feel more rested.
11. I am afraid that people may be judgmental (again) if I seek help with this. Have been considering trying the OTC supplement called Becalm'd, although it seems quite expensive, because a) no need to see doc and b) not addictive.
I'm desperate to get over this problem. If medication will truly help, I will go through the much dreaded process of evaluation yet again, but I DO NOT want the endless cycle of appointments and conflicting opinions I faced previously, not to mention the discrimination that can come with the territory.
Opinions? Is it worth it with all the potential conflicts? Is there any reason I shouldn't go the OTC supplement route first? Will OTC supplements potentially help or is it mostly hype?