View Full Version : Women.


Domino81
08-16-16, 08:55 PM
This is the first time I've spoken about this openly in detail to anyone. I tried with a therapist while still married but she wound up thinking I had a sexual addiction. Even suggested I read "Out of the shadows" by Patrick Carnes.

I seem to be obsessed with women. Maybe obsessed isn't the right word? Drawn, mystified, enticed, admired, greatly intimidated by...

I recall being on Hot or Not and flipping through pics for minutes. I could spend sometimes an hour just looking at photos of women. Sometimes I fantasize about meeting one I've seen on TV. I don't recall the fantasies ever being sexual. More just making that connection. I had what was described to me as a emotional affair in April 2013. I met a girl at a car meet and PM'd her when I got home to ask her about a tshirts. I was dating my ex wife and had been for about 4 years at the time. The relationship got out of hand over a couple of weeks. I wound up resenting her because of the things she was not. That I felt I had missed. This new person was.

We sought therapy. Her libido issue never changed. That was partially the reason I wanted to go. It was never discussed. I asked her to marry me in August of that year thinking the issue was resolved.

I think I have a problem setting a boundary for myself as well as other people. Anytime I girl comes into my periphery I'm really distracted by it.

I had an incident at my sister's Xmas party where I drank a bit too much and got a little too flirty with a girl I thought was super cute and interesting to begin with. Apparently showed her too much attention and I tickled her feet.

I thought my ex was kinda boring, honestly. Certainly wasn't in it for the sex. It was some of the worst sex I'd ever had. She had no idea what I could do to make it better, what would get her to climax. Didn't know her body. Didn't want me going down on her. Was not a partner. Had no role. Never initiated. I'm the type of partner that wants nothing more than you to climax. That's what keeps me going. It's my goal for you to fall off the bed in a orgasmic frenzied convulsions.

I need to know what's normal and what's over the line. Because I'm honestly sure what is anymore. Based on some of the pages I'm on on Facebook. (None are pornographic, but it's a anything goes type page. So some content like that isn't off limits) I know this is keeping me from giving my all to my current relationship. It's such a distraction. I concentrate on what I want them to be to make them perfect. And it's almost like I hyper focus on that type.

Ugh, why am I so ****** up?

aeon
08-16-16, 09:56 PM
I thought my ex was kinda boring, honestly. Certainly wasn't in it for the sex. It was some of the worst sex I'd ever had. She had no idea what I could do to make it better, what would get her to climax. Didn't know her body. Didn't want me going down on her. Was not a partner. Had no role. Never initiated.

Wow, I think I dated your ex. :doh:

I could relate to a lot of your post, but I sometimes think I'm nearly demisexual...I don't find women sexually attractive unless I have a positive emotional connection with them.

I don't know if anything is wrong with you other than you aren't choosing someone with whom you can have a mutual understanding and matched libido.

You're not helping yourself to meet your own needs.


Cheers,
Ian

Domino81
08-16-16, 10:05 PM
Oh, I'm the same way. If a girl doesn't look sweet or kind I don't find them attractive.

Fuzzy12
08-16-16, 10:26 PM
Like aeon said maybe your ex is just not the right person for you. Maybe you two just aren't that compatible abd that's why you are looking for someone with whom you can have that connection.

As an aside though I yhink being with someone who absolutely needs you to climax is quite a lot of pressure too and might be ultimately counter productive. I'm not sure every women would find it easy to relax or enjoy sex knowing their partner requires them to fall off the bed in an orgasmic frenzy

aeon
08-16-16, 10:39 PM
Oh, I'm the same way. If a girl doesn't look sweet or kind I don't find them attractive.

No, I don't mean like that. It isn't about the way she looks/seems.

I mean the emotional connection that comes from having talked a lot, where I am not a stranger to her or her to me. This takes time.

Don't get me wrong, I can find a woman physically attractive without knowing her, but big deal. That happens often enough to pay it no mind. Plus, there are plenty of people who look this way or that, but it doesn't mean anything if the inside is not known.

I need something more. I need to be fully engaged...heart, mind, body. Anything less just isn't for me any longer. It disrespects her and me, and it just won't give me anything I need if I have to leave part of myself out of it.

Plus, I can only trust my heart...not my mind or my genitals. When the heart is the source, the choices are made from being loving, and those will be good choices. The other two make misguided and selfish choices.

Dunno what more to say. Women are amazing and lovely, yes, but what makes them beautiful to me cannot be seen with my eyes.

Imagine a woman is your daughter, sister, or mom. If you can't engage with her on that level of respect, I think you should question your motivations.


Cheers,
Ian

Domino81
08-16-16, 10:44 PM
I probably worded that wrong then. I want to make sure my partner has a good time. I'm focused on them. Rather than pounding the bottom out of them and push her off once I'm done. I know it's not possible for that type of experience all the time.

aeon
08-16-16, 10:46 PM
And I didn't mean you don't, it's just that I ask myself that question.

And when the answer is yes I can just be myself and it feels good. No anxiety, no hurry.


Cheers,
Ian

sarahsweets
08-17-16, 02:10 AM
I dont think there is anything wrong with you but its important to remember that women are not objects or possessions. I am not saying you think this, I am just bringing up that there are many ways we can be sexualized and looked at as simply partners of xyz guy, not separate entities in our own right.

TheFitFatty
08-17-16, 02:21 AM
I dont think there is anything wrong with you but its important to remember that women are not objects or possessions. I am not saying you think this, I am just bringing up that there are many ways we can be sexualized and looked at as simply partners of xyz guy, not separate entities in our own right.

I was waiting for you to comment sarah because I wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one who noticed the "possessive" undertones. :D

I think you're in a relationship with the wrong person. However, you do seem to view women as objects. You get bored with one or she doesn't meet your expectations, so you dump her for the next. Women have feelings as well, and we are entitled to our feelings. Just keep that in mind.

Unmanagable
08-17-16, 09:17 AM
I've learned that the energy we spend on learning how to healthily love self is the most valuable EVER in having our love flow more freely, healthily, and wisely towards others.

The sexual aspect of it all has been greatly lessened in value over time by societal displays of what it means to be sexy, desirable, and satisfied.

It's become a gross misrepresentation of what really needs to take place within our hearts to feel and find acceptance within, as we learn to allow ourselves to more openly and healthily give and receive love from a well nurtured and satiated space, vs. a still learning how to love myself as I clumsily try to "properly" love everyone else kind of space, if that makes sense.

Until we're able to tap into recognizing, managing, and spending our own energies in the highest and healthiest vibrational realms possible, we will continue to repeatedly drain ourselves and others by scattering and assigning expectations.

Sharing space with others in a way that promotes a feeling of wanting to remain in that energy field is an art that begins with learning to better share space with self, which many of us have never really been taught how to do, from my experiences.

Domino81
08-17-16, 10:02 AM
Is it possible this is just a manifestation of rejection sensitivity?

aeon
08-17-16, 10:43 AM
Is it possible this is just a manifestation of rejection sensitivity?

I donít think so...there is more going on here. That could be part of it, but I donít think it is central to it.


Cheers,
Ian

Domino81
08-17-16, 11:56 AM
Incidentally… I named my son Ian. Hehe