Ive been dating a guy with ADD for 10 months. He just moved away for college. I feel like he's sending me mixed signals. He'll tell me to call him and when I do he'll ask why Im calling. This morning he told me that I call too much, but yesterday he was crying to me about how much he missed me. I dont know if he's getting sick of the phone calls because his mother calls to check up on him a lot during the day. I dont know if this is the ADD or because he just left for college. He also told me that he thought if he died, I would die too. I don't know if hes trying to tell me indirectly that Im too needy/clingy. I think he's trying to prove to himself and his parents that he can live on his own. If you could help give me advice Id be very happy.

Ow, LinszLou, that's rough.

I dunno if I truly understand what's going on in his mind. But it sounds like some of the following MAY be true:

ADD people crave stimulation, even if they don't always realize that, and so are usually repelled by situations that are not adrenaline boosters. So talking on the phone is generally a downer for an ADD person, unless it's something that is on their "this stimulates me" list...

Your man may be unconsciously repelled by spending lots of time on the phone with you. He may not understand why, and may feel terribly guilty about it, because if he loves you, naturally he would want to talk with you a lot, right? That would explain the mixed signals he sends you--always seeming to want more contact and closeness, but when he has it, seeming to want to get away.


He might be someone who prefers direct contact with you to phone conversation. When you are with someone in person, you can be "doing something" together, which provides the ADD person something to stimulate them, and everything is just fine. Many people (not all) with ADD find on the phone that they start to "shut down" because there is nothing to do or focus on.

Have you noticed when he is on the phone with you if he seems especially distraction prone or not? If he is very distractable, it means he is NOT hyperfocusing on you... he may even have something else in the forefront of his mind that he knows will stimulate him, such as a TV show or game or a friend who is there in person.

I hope it doesn't hurt you to hear this... and I am not at all positive I am right. I don't know your man in person. But this is what I suspect based on my own experiences.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It means you are (sadly) stuck in a position where it is hard for the time you spend together right now to be stimulating to him.

Paul: Thank you for your advice. But just to ask for more...he does tell me he loves me and that he doesnt want anybody else. But with the phone thing, yesterday he was telling me how much he missed me and needed me and today his mood had changed. I think (and I would like your insight) that when he tells me that Im gonna be more upset than he is about him going away, that hes trying to get the attention of him being upset taken off of him. (??) Im sure with his mom calling and me calling he feels as though hes being checked up on. And I also think that, hes getting teased about him being on the phone with me (I.E. he left a party to go back to his dorm to talk to me on the phone) So if you could give me more advice Id be very happy.