View Full Version : Academically successful so no need


excel7210
08-20-16, 02:38 PM
hello everyone! Academically successful so no need for a therapy?
I have been having a hard time with my partner because she sees no need for therapy. She had never had treatment before even thought last time a colleague told her she has attention deficit and is hyperactive. She accidentally told me that,but i believe all along she had been hiding it from me.
Just to name a few things:
1. When something is not the way she wants,she become so angry and rage in such a manner you would not imagine.And a short moment after that everything is okay with her.
Now i have a problem there,that she always overreact even in things that does not concern her and is unpredictable.
I am AFRAID of her.
Last time she raged,and i ran into the room for safety and locked the door. But she broke the door and came in. When she is angry,there is no control.

2. she does not like to be criticized, but she would criticize anyone with all her strength.
3.she is always commanding talking and saying things and the next second she says the opposite of what she just said or wants you do the opposite of what she wanted a few minutes ago.
4. always having an answer for everything-an defensive brain or child brain?
5. always working and is hardly at home- hyper-focusing on work. Other workers are complaining she is taking all the working hours for herself, and they hate her for that.
6.Many times she would ask me in the shop to choose something for her say between A and B,and when I say A,then she would buy B. I do not understand this type of character!
7.She does not know how to handle money,always spending impulsively.
8. If she drinks coffee,it doe not push, but instead relaxes or causes her to be tired. Is this coffee effect common with people with adhd?
We a lot of problems and i do not know where to start

peripatetic
08-20-16, 04:08 PM
have you gone to a therapist together? you cite some things that seem like more than ADHD but all sound really destructive in a relationship. I would urge you both to get a professional involved as this clearly isn't healthy for either of you as is.

excel7210
08-20-16, 07:30 PM
Thank you peripatetic for the reply. The thing is she will not accept idea of a therapy. She always want to win every argument. Every moment she is in contact with someone is a test she must win,starting from boasting of what she has accomplished till she realizes she is bether than you. She is very rude,not at home but also outside. I do not know what to do

peripatetic
08-20-16, 07:38 PM
Thank you peripatetic for the reply. The thing is she will not accept idea of a therapy. She always want to win every argument. Every moment she is in contact with someone is a test she must win,starting from boasting of what she has accomplished till she realizes she is bether than you. She is very rude,not at home but also outside. I do not know what to do

ok, well, so let's start with this:

why are you with her? do you love her? are you entwined financially, legally, ...?

i'm not hearing a single positive thing about her. if there is nothing... her behavior is incredibly unhealthy regardless of diagnoses or not. if she won't go talk to a therapist with you to work on your communication and become a partner in your relationship, i sincerely think you need to figure out how to extricate yourself from this situation.

put together a plan for joint counseling or figure out an exit strategy.

excel7210
08-20-16, 11:08 PM
ok, well, so let's start with this:

why are you with her? do you love her? are you entwined financially, legally, ...?

i'm not hearing a single positive thing about her. if there is nothing... her behavior is incredibly unhealthy regardless of diagnoses or not. if she won't go talk to a therapist with you to work on your communication and become a partner in your relationship, i sincerely think you need to figure out how to extricate yourself from this situation.

put together a plan for joint counseling or figure out an exit strategy.

hi ,thanks for your concern. The problem is that i love her and we have a child. But she also has her good side like helping people,and very forgiving. Though she has her good side,the unpredictability of her character and mood neutralizes the good side. When she is home my blood pressure goes up immediately because she will say something demeaning,or shout,or rude. Another issue is:
She also wants everyone to be her friend even those that are dangerous to our relation. For example a certain guy, a friend of ours who is married wanted an affair with her and she told me about the it and read sms from him to me. The guy kept on disturbing her with the advances and i had i to ask the guy to stop. But she instead supported the guy,when the guy quarreled with me about the issue. Since then my partner wants me to be friends with the guy though he had not given up his plan. I told her i do not want him as friend anymore but she will not understand,and will not breakup the friendship with him.
How can she want to have everyone as a friend and will break up with any known person even when he is a danger to our relationship?? This a big problem for me. Are some adhd like this?

peripatetic
08-20-16, 11:30 PM
hi ,thanks for your concern. The problem is that i love her and we have a child. But she also has her good side like helping people,and very forgiving. Though she has her good side,the unpredictability of her character and mood neutralizes the good side.

ok, that's going to basically conclude this for me. and i say that because i struggle with mental illness (adhd is not my only diagnosis) and i have a 17-month old child. it is absolutely NOT ok for her to subject your child, even if only as a witness, to these abusive swings and outbursts. you need to put your proverbial and maybe literal foot down or enlist family or something and tell her that you WILL protect your child and she needs to suck it up and get herself and you into some counseling and go from there.

i appreciate that you love her and she has good qualities...i mean, i assumed she did and you were just focused on what's distressing you now, and rightfully so. BUT, you need to worry less about whether she's going to grow up and consider the environment where your child IS growing up. i really think you need to stand firm on this. and if she won't do it, you need to protect your child from growing up in an emotionally volatile and abusive home. start going to counseling yourself. get more support in person. work on yourself and let her know that you are not going to waver on this. she needs to step up to the plate for the sake of your kid and stop being so self centered.

that's what i'd do and what i suspect my husband would do now that we have a child if i discontinued my meds or turned our home into a battle ground...because kids know...they can feel the tension. what is your child learning about adult relationships?

i'm not trying to bag on you. you have my total respect for coming here and i'm only being so blunt because i think it's so important. also, i do have adhd and i'm not always good with softening tone.

please, love her enough not to let her affect your kid negatively if she won't work with you on creating a healthy, loving home. as horrible as it would be if she didn't find it in herself to do what's best for her family, she won't thank you later for having let her have that impact on your child. she'll possibly even resent you for not stopping her from being a detrimental force. she's probably got the potential and wants to be a great mum. but if she's verbally and emotionally abusive and won't get help for what you describe as "rage"...then she's not a good mum right now. she can't be so long as she refuses to help create a healthy environment and actively opposes doing so.

i have a doctorate and i have been employed before. i've also been hospitalized repeatedly and i go to groups and see a psychiatrist and a therapist and blah blah blah. having an education, and mine is from schools you've heard of, so don't listen to any of her ******** on this. i'm highly educated. i'm also mentally ill and it's not easy for me to admit that, even here, much less to take the meds i take and so forth. i get that. she needs to suck it up. tell her you'll support her getting help and you know it's hard, but the rubber needs to hit the road here on making some serious changes.

i hope others have more advice on a firsthand basis for you as my partner is very different from yours. but, i do hope that you'll consider what i've said and know i mean it in the most constructive and empathetic way possible.

best to you xx

Fortune
08-21-16, 01:25 AM
It's very common in abusive relationships for the abused partner to see the good side of the abuser. This is because no abuser is abusive 24/7, and there are good times. It's okay to acknowledge the good times because they really do happen.

It's also important to acknowledge that abuse is not okay and that one doesn't purchase the right to abuse with bouts of good behavior.

TheFitFatty
08-21-16, 05:10 AM
I'm afraid I echo the others, you're in an abusive relationship and you need to leave, both for yourself and your child.

Little Missy
08-21-16, 05:39 AM
It saddens me greatly to think of a child being exposed to these types of behavior.

Fortune
08-21-16, 05:46 AM
That's not abusive, though. It's something else that is common with abuse victims - that tendency to feel like the abuser is right and justified and they're not. I don't think the OP wants the child to be in an abusive situation, but I also don't think he sees his wife as abusive.

And of course she is and he needs to get away from her, but it's not really helpful to label a victim of abuse as an abuser too.

peripatetic
08-21-16, 05:55 AM
I believe that the OP, how he is defending her yet afraid of her abuse, is as if not moreso as abusive as she is because he is continuing to let his child live in a home like that.

You do not need help online. You need to have your child removed that home immediately.


i agree with you that action needs to be taken swiftly and that this is totally unacceptable. but i would urge you to consider that some constructive compassion for the person presenting himself here may actually help the situation whilst your approach is, in my opinion, less likely to actually help the thread starter and, thereby, the child.

my heart goes out to that kid and his whole family and i am so sad that their child is exposed to this to whatever extent s/he is. but shaming the person trying to get help is ... i think it's an approach that does more harm than good.

i hope you'll read this and know i sincerely mean this as, yes, it's criticism, but you seem to be able to dish some out, so hopefully you can see that this is meant to ask you to focus on the bigger picture and not just what appears to be your (not wrongly placed) passion.

cheers,
peri

sarahsweets
08-21-16, 11:02 AM
1. When something is not the way she wants,she become so angry and rage in such a manner you would not imagine.And a short moment after that everything is okay with her.
Now i have a problem there,that she always overreact even in things that does not concern her and is unpredictable.
I am AFRAID of her.
Last time she raged,and i ran into the room for safety and locked the door. But she broke the door and came in. When she is angry,there is no control.

It doesnt matter if you love her or if she has adhd. This is abuse, you should not be afraid of someone you love.

2. she does not like to be criticized, but she would criticize anyone with all her strength.

Again, depending on things, this could also be seen as abuse.

Unfortunately, we cant force people to get treatment. If she is unwilling to improve even the most basic of relationship things, then you need to decide if you can live with her even if she doesnt get treatment.

sarahsweets
08-21-16, 11:05 AM
hi ,thanks for your concern. The problem is that i love her and we have a child. But she also has her good side like helping people,and very forgiving. Though she has her good side,the unpredictability of her character and mood neutralizes the good side. When she is home my blood pressure goes up immediately because she will say something demeaning,or shout,or rude.

One of the signs its abuse is when the victim starts making excuses for the abuser about why the abuse is ok.

Another issue is:
She also wants everyone to be her friend even those that are dangerous to our relation. For example a certain guy, a friend of ours who is married wanted an affair with her and she told me about the it and read sms from him to me. The guy kept on disturbing her with the advances and i had i to ask the guy to stop. But she instead supported the guy,when the guy quarreled with me about the issue. Since then my partner wants me to be friends with the guy though he had not given up his plan. I told her i do not want him as friend anymore but she will not understand,and will not breakup the friendship with him.
Love isnt like this. This is not love.


How can she want to have everyone as a friend and will break up with any known person even when he is a danger to our relationship?? This a big problem for me. Are some adhd like this?
Because she is getting exactly what she wants and doesnt have to change even when you have told her how much this hurts you.

Bluechoo
08-21-16, 01:38 PM
She sounds like my ex, and she had extreme ADHD, but she was not afraid to admit it and get treatment... However, she was being treated before I met her; the abusiveness was there regardless of treatment. She was extremely abusive to me, from day 1, but I was infatuated with her. She was my first lover. In the end, she wrecked me, and it has taken me years to get back to some sense of normalcy (I'm actually still kind of getting over some residual psychological 'convulsions' that are holding me back in social situations).

This sounds like a dangerous situation for you and your child. I'm glad I did not have a kid with my ex... When it was over, I somehow felt like the guilty abuser, and she did everything to validate that feeling. She would keep pressing my buttons until I would get mad and yell at her, then I was being verbally abusive. Do you see how subtle this abuse can be? A person like this wants to manipulate you into making an abusive impulse so they can be off the hook for their behavior.

excel7210
08-21-16, 07:13 PM
She sounds like my ex, and she had extreme ADHD, but she was not afraid to admit it and get treatment... However, she was being treated before I met her; the abusiveness was there regardless of treatment. She was extremely abusive to me, from day 1, but I was infatuated with her. She was my first lover. In the end, she wrecked me, and it has taken me years to get back to some sense of normalcy (I'm actually still kind of getting over some residual psychological 'convulsions' that are holding me back in social situations).

This sounds like a dangerous situation for you and your child. I'm glad I did not have a kid with my ex... When it was over, I somehow felt like the guilty abuser, and she did everything to validate that feeling. She would keep pressing my buttons until I would get mad and yell at her, then I was being verbally abusive. Do you see how subtle this abuse can be? A person like this wants to manipulate you into making an abusive impulse so they can be off the hook for their behavior.

Hi everyone,hi bluechoo! Thank you all for sharing your ideas with me. I feel a little relief when people so lovely care for me,though i do not know you personally.
She says that she loves me even to people outside,but it may well be the fake love. She is also so jealous and controlling.
Today in church i was greeted by someone briefly and she became so jealous that the man only spoke more to me and did not give her more attention. Because of this and for no reason she started a fight on our way back from the church. Asking me why did the man give me more attention and that maybe the man wants something from me. Just imagine what she says knowing fully well the man is married. She ended up cursing and insulting me while i drive them.This time i could not take it anymore,and i cursed her back too,and then she stopped,but started it later. How i wish i had done this earlier. Just imagine we just left church and she is cursing me for greeting a person. She has gone away with a lot and i am partly to blame for not being assertive enough!

excel7210
08-21-16, 07:40 PM
It's very common in abusive relationships for the abused partner to see the good side of the abuser. This is because no abuser is abusive 24/7, and there are good times. It's okay to acknowledge the good times because they really do happen.

It's also important to acknowledge that abuse is not okay and that one doesn't purchase the right to abuse with bouts of good behavior.

Hi Fortune,
thank for the concern and you are right with your assessment! She disgraced to our neighbor and later on told her that i am the quiet one and that she is the hyper.
This is her best way of acknowledging wrong

Toss4n
08-22-16, 07:21 PM
Sounds like you've ended up with a narcissist. And that's way worse than adhd.

symptoms (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568)

excel7210
09-12-16, 12:44 AM
Sounds like you've ended up with a narcissist. And that's way worse than adhd.

symptoms (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568)

Hi tosse4n,thanks for your assessment of the situation. I also think there is a big narcissistic personality disorder here,not only because she is always boasting about her success over everyone else. Her father said in a negative sense, that "she is always proving something" And this has caused anger against her at her place of work. She always says that she is better than me insulting me saying that i am nothing etc

theonlylevi
09-23-16, 09:34 AM
How is everything going? I know it has been a minute since you updated.

Have you considered talking to a councilor in person about the issues you are having with your significant other. You may be able to work together to find a way to get them in to the councilor with their assistance as well. As well, you will have a little bit quicker response time than a forum.

With talking to a councilor in person you could work on the issues you are experiencing a bit quicker than here on the forum. As well as having another live person to talk to that you can trust as an unbiased opinion aside from the voices here on the forum.