View Full Version : Personal thoughts on.. Whatever this is

08-20-16, 10:19 PM
First time poster here at the forum. Found out about ADD recently, started reading on it, and then by simple chance ended up thinking on another condition of mine.

Right now I kind of feel like I'm a computer which possibly has a virus - or several ones - but you just keep going because "Hey, if there's nothing visibly wrong, it's all okay, right?"

I'm supposed to write a huge writing related to my studies, 30+ pages long, but day after day it gets postponed. Soon it's Autumn and then things will get difficult because overlapsing tasks will fall onto it. I need to get the task done before it or I'm in trouble.

But it's not easy doing it when your sleep schedule is a mess, you feel drained and out of energy.

I visited a friend of mine today. I was a little late (snooze loop) but it was okay he said. I was beginning to feel more refreshed until I saw Kat (name changed). She's a lady who seems to want my company, but she's in a committed relationship so.. Well, let's just say it's a difficult scenario where I have to withhold my feelings from her. And it doesn't really do good on you when you withhold your feelings from someone you care about. Anyways, I saw a glimpse of her and all the negative emotions, anxiety etc. came rushing back. She didn't notice me, my friend didn't notice the change but in any ways my friend was just about to go towards another day program he had scheduled for him.

I was left alone with the emotions. I went to have a coffee, the music got me into a mellow mood but it didn't really help. After that I ate some ice cream. It tasted good at least. I got a call and returned home. I think there was one hour during the early evening when I felt a bit better. Evening came, night came and I stumbled upon this one game. It's about a story about a person having depression. I felt like I could relate to the protagonist, it felt strange.

Then I came upon the term used in the game.
Negative feedback loop.
That's it! That's the thing which ruins my day. There's a simple negative emotion or a negative thought, and the snowball effect happens.

There's not that many friends to talk about these kind of things. I don't have friends who visit me, here in the city where I live. I do have one friend who visits me several times during a year, but he lives far away. Aside from my family visiting me every now and then, that's pretty much it. I have loads of online friends though, and people who are happy to hear from me if I call them. That is if I call them, as they are really not the ones to call me.

But it's not just about today or these few weeks or months. I've had this undiagnosed condition of mine for a very long time, all the way from the teenage years. I recall my parents called it as me having "one of those days". I remember having asked my father one day what's his thought on people going to therapy. He didn't hesitate to say that therapy is for the weak minded, end of story.
That phrase stuck with me.

I think some of the roots may go all the way back to the bullying experiences which I was facing back at elementary school. It lasted for around 3 years. During my teenager years I did have some negative thoughts too. I'm not going to write about them here though.

Some days, weeks and months are better than others. I still manage to get top grades on my courses, but this one huge task.. I just need to start writing it. Perhaps, probably tomorrow. I'll take the rest of the evening easy and tomorrow I'll get some nice music on and write a few pages, enough to at least get started. I could even update here if I managed to begin my task.

In the beginning, getting to a study degree program like this was a huge thing for me, and it really helped things. I felt like I gained more and more confidence, seeing that I got really good grades and learned stuff.

But I didn't really manage to get many friends, at least in the beginning. Luckily, I've gained a few new ones, like the one I visited today.
Still, there is something that I feel at times like I'm missing out on, and that's a relationship. I've never had one, and I'm closer to 50 than I'm to my birth when it comes to my current age. I'm not pressuring myself, but I would like to feel unconditionally loved. Kat seems to be attracted to me, and would she not be in a relationship, I'm fairly sure we would be dating by now. Everytime we're sharing a same space she joins my company and wants to know pretty much everything about me. It's a great feeling when someone can't have enough of your company and your personality.
Even Kat noticed that I haven't visited many events lately, and wanted to know if everything's okay with me (we were only getting to know each other and she's already noticed a thing like this. I think it speaks in volumes of the amount of her caring about me. Well, we come back to the fact that she's in a relationship.)

I haven't talked to a doctor about my experiences or my thoughts, but I've been thinking of visiting a doctor about the possible ADD that I may have.

Now I need to go and grab something to eat, I just realized I haven't eaten in hours!

Don't worry, I'll be okay. I'm a survivor. But it is true that it's a bit tough currently, trying to get a grip on things when things, my studies really should get done.

08-22-16, 03:17 AM
Don't worry about it too much. Think positive and I know you can make it through. Keep the faith that everything will go well.

08-22-16, 09:00 AM
You can grow and become any kind of person you want, you just have to reset the boundaries between you and the people you have known your entire life. For example, when your dad says "therapy is for the weak," you can ask him how that is working out for him, or just say "interesting opinion, mind backing that up with research?"

A lot of the stuff you describe sounds more like growing pain than ADHD, but I cannot deny the fact that ADHD makes growing harder and the pain worse.