View Full Version : Is he ghosting/disinterested or his adhd?


peterparkerpan
08-24-16, 11:51 AM
Hi guys, please pardon the lengthy thread as I try to cut right to the chase.

I have been reading up on Adhd recently as I suspect the guy I'm dating has it. He told me he was a high strung adhd child but back then I brushed that off with my ignorance of how serious adhd can affect adulthood. We met up after getting to know each other online and spent the most wonderful 24 hours together talking about our lives, goals and dreams. He was a total gentleman and we fell in love with each other and decided to get into a long distance relationship 8000 miles apart. He was and has been very genuine and sincere from the first day I met him till now and we were able to talk so much during the start. We even discussed about living a life together, having kids and growing old together, that was how much we connected.

So we have been dating for 5 months now and this guy has started to ignore my messages (5 days now). He goes unto social media and posts stuff on instagram but doesn't reply my message. Right before this silent treatment we had no arguments and he texted me to ask how's my day etc. The thing is we have had a fair bit of arguments lately because he would do things that are unexplainable to someone (me) who has zero knowledge of adhd patients.
Here are some of the examples:

1) He gets all lovey dovey today and ignores or forgets to text me tomorrow even after promising to and when I flared up and asked him why, he said he wanted some alone time and went fishing. He said sometimes he just wants to not talk to anyone and be alone and that he is just there sitting down watching tv and not out texting other girls.
2) He has a few anger episodes and sometimes he snaps at me regarding insignificant matters.
3) We would arrange Skype dates and most of the time he doesn't show up on time or is preoccupied with other stuff.
4) When we got together, he hyper focused on me in such amazing ways, telling me I am his soul mate, I'm the one, he appreciates me for who I am etc.
5) He hates confrontation so when we argue he would disappear for 2 weeks and when I apologise because it was my bad (I have a bad temper which I'm trying to fix), he would be very genuine and tell me he wants to fix things with me and hope we work it out and have a nice continuing relationship.
6) Before the last silence, he told me I am extremely special to him and how he had a strange connection with me.

There are two major events happening in his life right now so I am not sure if these are the factors contributing to his changes or he simply isn't interested in me anymore. He changed his job (for the second time since I've known him) and is currently working 60hrs a week, sometimes 15 hrs a day. Secondly, he fell out with his ten years or more bestie and they unfollowed each other on social media. The friend later told me my partner had a bit of drama with her and they no longer talk about anything anymore as he is always working. I can only imagine he must be feeling very horrible about his life right now so I try to be very understanding.

Please pardon my lengthy post but I was hoping people with similar experiences can help me out a tad as I'm pretty confused by his unjustifiable behaviour. I'm pretty sure he is not cheating on me but if he is then yes it is good riddance. I am trying to give his adhd a benefit of a doubt because he refused to admit his adhd went unto his adulthood but the signs are pretty obvious to me. He uses self help (weed) and said it has helped calmed him, sleep better and built his relationships/kinship/friendships.

I love him a lot and can see a future with him despite the distance because we can make plans in the near future. Despite his erratic behaviour, I love him for who he is when he is in his sane mode. I spent a week now reading up on adhd studies and got myself some books. I understand the repercussions of having to live life with a adhd partner, however I do not see him as a monster or someone with illness because love is really blind and you don't get to choose who you fall in love with.
I hope that you guys will not judge me for being naive and I do hope that my unconditional love can salvage what we have, to my best availability. But if he is indeed ghosting me like an ordinary douchebag and there' is nothing to do with his adhd then I would close my case and move on. I just wish someone could enlighten me on my thoughts, cheers!

TheFitFatty
08-25-16, 03:22 AM
You forgot option C: Narcissistic personality disorder
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

You realize he's completely holding all the power in your "relationship" right? He has this because he's been manipulating you.

Let me guess, you're walking on egg shells to avoid upsetting him so he doesn't disappear again right?
You don't express it when you're angry or upset because then he'll ignore you?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140617152601-43977891-the-psychology-of-ignoring-or-giving-someone-a-cold-shoulder

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145

I really don't see what you're getting from this relationship or what you expect to happen in the future? This isn't behavior he'll stop, and it will likely escalate. Do you want him running off for two weeks when you've got kids because you "upset" him.

Dump him now.

sarahsweets
08-25-16, 04:26 AM
I dont know why you would want to stay in the relationship. It sounds like everything is done on his terms. How is that a relationship?

peripatetic
08-25-16, 04:27 AM
what is "ghosting"?

Little Missy
08-25-16, 09:21 AM
what is "ghosting"?

Kind of a 'see you later alligator' only without talking to or seeing the person again. I think.

Little Missy
08-25-16, 09:22 AM
I dont know why you would want to stay in the relationship. It sounds like everything is done on his terms. How is that a relationship?

8000 miles away is the interesting part.

peripatetic
08-25-16, 09:41 AM
Kind of a 'see you later alligator' only without talking to or seeing the person again. I think.

ok...so if missy's right...and that is even an *option* for describing this person's behaviour...

seriously, that's not a relationship or a potential one. if you suspect he's forgotten you...moved along... then you should move along. this sounds like, at best, a want-you-when-i-want-you-and-otherwise-i'm-MIA situation. don't put up with the drama. find something where you don't even have to question whether you're being "ghosted".

sarahsweets
08-25-16, 09:44 AM
ok...so if missy's right...and that is even an *option* for describing this person's behaviour...

seriously, that's not a relationship or a potential one. if you suspect he's forgotten you...moved along... then you should move along. this sounds like, at best, a want-you-when-i-want-you-and-otherwise-i'm-MIA situation. don't put up with the drama. find something where you don't even have to question whether you're being "ghosted".

Very true. If you even have to ask it...well then its more than just a question.

Tetrahedra
09-01-16, 12:13 AM
From what I'm reading, it appears that much of this relationship is you waiting on him. Maybe not, but that's how it's coming across based upon what you told us. I think it would be a good time for you two to talk, but make sure that it's at a time he's able to be fully present. Working 60 hours a week is horrible, and it can beat up anyone, ADHD or not.

Speaking as a person with ADHD, I go through periods of intense interest, followed by forgetting about things all together, and then I'm interested in it again. But I understand that it's not appropriate behavior to show towards a person or pet, and I need to work on making sure that my ability to communicate and show affection for others is more balanced so that I'm not neglecting the emotional needs of my loved ones. So even if his behavior is directly linked to ADHD, you need to address it with him.

The most disturbing part of your post for me was the fact that he promises you something and then doesn't follow through. Again, ADHD or not, it's not appropriate, and he needs to be made aware that it's bothering you. If he really has a bad day and he needs to not talk to anyone, at very minimum he should text you and let you know. And that really should be the exception, not the norm. We all need breaks from the people we love, but if those "breaks" start becoming commonplace, what is the point of the relationship?

TurtleBrain
09-01-16, 04:33 AM
I think the guy might be being dishonest with himself. He obviously has no real interest in being with you. Maybe he just thinks he's a lucky guy that some girl finds interest in him and that's as far as his obession with you goes.

I'm partly saying this because I know that personally I have no interest in having any intimate relationships and I don't feel the need to pretend I do.