View Full Version : venting about struggling


peripatetic
08-24-16, 07:30 PM
i'm writing this here because i want to feel understood somehow, seen...that makes me think of the gaze of the other...

i don't know what type of support i need beyond just being seen. i'm fairly certain i could enumerate types i don't need, but i don't want to make anyone feel badly for just being their compassionate selves. still, know that you don't need to make me feel better for me. i don't want to feel worse, certainly, but i don't know that life should be lived only feeling cheery and good. i don't feel good. but that's real. and i would rather be in the crapper authentically than on cloud nine because i'm detached and floating above everything real and only seeing the good.

there is good, surely. in the world, in others, in me. but there is also pain and frustration and resentment and desperation. in the world, in others, in me.

i don't feel fragile, but a week of enduring heavy stress has caught up to me. even in the daytime now. even with other people about. i find myself occupying myself. another reason to write...so i'm at least not occupying myself with thoughts i should not indulge....but my resolve against them wanes.

last night, when i heard them in her room, i panicked.grateful for those who gave me the most important gift to give, if you're finite and will ultimately find peace and liberation from this world...(alas, not all are, but this isn't about meat the moment) the gift of time spent.

thank you. you know who you are...N, F, L, U, iDt, G

my m thanks you, too. for what? for him not coming home after back to school dinner to find i'd ordered thousands of dollars of surveillance equipment to install in her room. and i thank you because, as dear n pointed out, i don't like cabling/wires and if install it, how long before i'm ripping it out ...how long before the monitor feels monitored. plus there are hackers. i hadn't even considered them.

my psychiatrist could've fit me in today, but the racket in my head made me prefer remaining curled up in my bed with a hoodie and about a dozen blankets. when m got home all he saw were eyes peering out.

i'll go tomorrow. go in and hopefully not get increases. go in and likely have to talk about the snickery giggles, which even i realize...at least in the light of day i can see how....that makes me sound like a total nutter. maybe the action plans will get revised. maybe the PRNs will get increased. no matter what i can guarantee that though my scripts aren't all ready for refill, i'll walk out with a grocery bag of each one freshly filled to the top.

i'll be encouraged to reduce stress. i'll be offered twice weekly individual counseling where i only have once weekly now. i'll be asked about side effects and whether i'm eating. i'll be asked whether this or that is back and how intensely. and that's where i'll try to give an accurate answer and doubt my ability. are they back? not really. but then last night... but what was that? maybe it's like squeaky shoes can be dead ringers for bursts of flatulence if the flooring is right and your foot squeezes the air out between your unstockinged foot and the side of the shoe.

i got a tonne of sleep early morning and today...but i feel mentally wiped out. it's a familiar feeling and one that inclines me to believe something is coming back around again. but that simply cannot be. i've been 100% compliant. 100%!

so is it just the stress? well, if so, pack it in, folks because life is stress...good things...unpleasant things...they're stress. running...throwing your body into the wind uphill through the trees in the park...stress. playing with and delighting in my girl baby....stress. talking...stress. trying to keep mouth shut...stress. and on and on...ad nauseum.

so, if stress will destabilize me....i'm right well ****** is what i am. and what to do? distract myself from my entire life so it's not filled with that pernicious breakthrough symptom inducing stress? or should i whitewash the world so nothing is too much for me...no colours too stimulating...nothing fresh or raw or crumpled that could hurt my delicate little balance of unstress?

that sounds familiar somehow... hmm....what sort of place is bathed in white enya music to keep everyone from feeling anything other than vanilla? oh,i know...the psych ward.

so, yeah...are those my choices? live like i'm inpatient or teeter on the edge waiting for my head to unravel again. what an awful choice. but, if i had to make it, i'll take the hell...the breakthrough symptoms...the fear and the pain and the joy of seeing stellie's face light up when she sees me. she's going to be home from her day excursion that afforded me some rest and i can't wait to hug her and twirl with her. i really think i can trudge through the problems and get through to seeing her smile. it sucks to spend hours trying to distract yourself from the sole thought that's lit up in neon and flashing and banging on your head from the inside out. but if i let it out then things always go wrong for me and what if i lost her smile in order to lose the noise?

i don't know.

they say that for women sometime around fifty the illness starts to weaken. i'm forty two. i can't believe i've made it to forty two. if only that's true and i can make it to fifty. but not by subsisting for eight vanilla dial tone years. no way.

eh...i'm going to do something else now. if you read this...i almost want to say "sorry"...or "thanks"....maybe both. but mostly thanks. i did say at the outset i hoped to be seen in some sense. so if you did, see me, that is...well, hello. x

Unmanagable
08-24-16, 10:50 PM
Eye see you. x

My hormones went way wonky at the age of 43ish, which is also the time I received several other of my diagnoses (adhd, anxiety, depression, insomnia, IBS). I was told it was peri-menopause. I'm 49 now and the hormone hell has smoothed way out. (knock on wood)

Stress was a HUGE factor, too, during that time. It's when I was going up against the state agency I worked for in trying to hold them accountable for multiple unethical issues.

And I was a f/t time step-mom to two offspring.

And I was taking college classes in an attempt to possibly earn a degree to increase my professional credibility, but realizing it would take 6ish years, at the very least, and all those crappy classes I have absolutely no interest in....eh....I decided to abort that mission. I got all As in the several semesters of classes I did take, so at least I experienced enough success to entice me to keep learning, just not formally or in a way that keeps me indebted to them for the rest of my life. I learned they don't always teach very accurate info, anyway. lol

Stress is a real b****. Breathing deeply and often, music that raises my vibrations, and nature in some form are my saving graces. And on the days the ditches get me, sleep is my best friend. It's the closest I can get to death without the commitment.

Twirl with the girl a few times for us, too. And m, too. Love your way through it all as best you can. It's all we've got.

peripatetic
08-25-16, 03:21 AM
bumping up my appointment is probably the smartest move i've made in quite awhile.

i'm pretty nervous about admitting it on here, but maybe if i'm brave one day my girl will be.

not all of them...certainly not the informative ones...but now that it's totally silent in my house i know it's true. i'm hearing voices again. mostly just chatter. but...still. i can't even describe the level of panic i felt when i realized it and awoke my m and confirmed it. though, the amount of panic i'll have at seeing this on the open forum tomorrow may well give it a run for its money.

i'm so tired of this **** and if you're wondering, anyone who didn't already know that about me, why you didn't....well, i used to have a lot more time energy and ability to hide from most of you. yeah...that's all running pretty low in the tank right now.

so you'd think...just go to sleep. too noisy. well, just stay awake...need distraction or the noisy gets to me.

alright, i'm just blathering and for my tomorrow self, who will likely wish right now self had a better grip on her filter....i'm going to leave it at that. my psychiatrist had better be able to fix this...again. i wonder what the limit is on fixes though, you know? i was already refractory for awhile..that was a living hell.no...he'll be able to fix it. hopefully quickly.

sarahsweets
08-25-16, 04:37 AM
Oh peri- I wish I could find the right words- and I dont want to offend you or belittle how you feel with niceties. I can only identify like this- my personal story contains periods of what I call 'remission'. What I mean is, its when everything starts to seem 'normal' and it tricks me. I have these 'episodes' where I will seem fuzzy, slurry,uncoordinated,combative, emotional. Its almost like I am under the influence- except its more like my inner beast is at the wheel. It scares the hell out of my family. The meds that were adjusted seemed to keep this at bay however the last two months I have had a couple of 'episodes' and it freaks people out. I feel bad- because I got cocky, like life seemed good so I felt like saying to people: "see? I told you it was all about getting on the right meds and doses". Then it happened.
Everyone has been walking around on egg shells- waiting to see if the beast will come out again.

I hate it. I cant even count on myself anymore. What kind of model am I to my family?
How can I possibly expect them to breath easy, when they are waiting for the beast to take over?
And the paranoia waiting for the beast is the worst- makes me feel like I am on death row.
I dont have any advice but I know you arent asking for any. Just wanted to identify.
XXXOOO

peripatetic
08-25-16, 08:41 AM
thank you for this, sarah. although i know our diagnoses are different, you are right that we share some challenges. i thought in my twenties that that was the worst. and then my thirties. i seriously can't even handle thinking it could be worse than my thirties...

perhaps i'm fortunate in a way not to have the bipolar beast well up. i just tend to turn more self isolative and negligent. and suspicious. i don't know if this happens for you, but historically i don't even realise it's happening until it's, like, "intervention time" if you know what i mean. it's like follow out the tide and thinking your towel is just right behind you on the beach...but by the time you turn around (or are turned around), you can't even see the shore.

thanks to my little E there's less chance of that, in a way, because i have less time left to my own devices to sit and think the **** out of my ideas for hours that turn into days on end and then go running around for hours at night.

i do hear you about not being able to trust yourself. my biggest concern is that my thoughts will get away from me and i'll take any of the actions i've taken in the past to try and rid myself of what i think causes this in me. but even if it's not to that point, my having a full on psychotic break is absolutely incompatible with being anywhere near E. i don't even know what might happen, but that's what scares me...i don't know what i might be thinking or decide i need to be doing.

i'm trying to have better accountability. which is part of why i'm taking this leap in divulging something i've kept...at least in my head...decently concealed for years on here. well, maybe not the last few years ...at least not very well. but i should probably stop stigmatising myself about this whole mess. the more ashamed of it i am, the easier it is for others to use it as a weapon against me. and i simply don't have time for anything beyond doing my best to be healthy and as asymptomatic as possible. and if i'm worried people will find out...that's stress. so...there you have it. accountability and stress reduction. i'm hoping that'll make things possible. well, that and getting me **** to the psychiatrist today.

anyway, thank you again for sharing. it's such an isolating thing and it does help to know you can relate.

and on a side note, i will never forget that time a couple of years ago after i'd decompensated for months and months when you helped me brush out my hair. you're a champion all days, sarah, but you were my personal champion that day. much love xx

Oh peri- I wish I could find the right words- and I dont want to offend you or belittle how you feel with niceties. I can only identify like this- my personal story contains periods of what I call 'remission'. What I mean is, its when everything starts to seem 'normal' and it tricks me. I have these 'episodes' where I will seem fuzzy, slurry,uncoordinated,combative, emotional. Its almost like I am under the influence- except its more like my inner beast is at the wheel. It scares the hell out of my family. The meds that were adjusted seemed to keep this at bay however the last two months I have had a couple of 'episodes' and it freaks people out. I feel bad- because I got cocky, like life seemed good so I felt like saying to people: "see? I told you it was all about getting on the right meds and doses". Then it happened.
Everyone has been walking around on egg shells- waiting to see if the beast will come out again.

I hate it. I cant even count on myself anymore. What kind of model am I to my family?
How can I possibly expect them to breath easy, when they are waiting for the beast to take over?
And the paranoia waiting for the beast is the worst- makes me feel like I am on death row.
I dont have any advice but I know you arent asking for any. Just wanted to identify.
XXXOOO

sarahsweets
08-25-16, 09:41 AM
i don't know if this happens for you, but historically i don't even realise it's happening until it's, like, "intervention time" if you know what i mean. it's like follow out the tide and thinking your towel is just right behind you on the beach...but by the time you turn around (or are turned around), you can't even see the shore.

I can identify as it relates to manic episodes which for me- really do border on being very close to a break. I get so high, so up that my husband will start asking me if I am feeling ok, if my meds have been taken etc. Then I immediately become suspicious and start going at him about why cant I just be happy without it being manic? Why cant I just enjoy life without people wondering when the other shoe will drop?
Then it happens- the crash, the days of doing nothing but sleeping, barely taking care of the kids, the tears, the islolation, the shame...
I hate the fact that others can see this coming a mile off yet I cant see it when its in my own body. Thankfully these issues have become less and less with the proper medication. My last hospitalization was 2 months after my last daughter was born... I went willingly, then was clawing the walls trying to get out as quick as possible because I hate being locked away.


i do hear you about not being able to trust yourself. my biggest concern is that my thoughts will get away from me and i'll take any of the actions i've taken in the past to try and rid myself of what i think causes this in me.
I get this, my 'acts' are often reckless, dangerous and impulsive. Which results in serious consequences.

I hate the hamster wheel that is my thoughts. Being in my head is like walking through a bad neighborhood waiting to get jumped.