View Full Version : Frustrated but I am trying...


_Karen_Cee_
08-27-16, 06:30 PM
If DH were telling it, I am horrible...don't understand...expect too much...oh I could go on and on with his laundry list of things that I do. We are in counseling and he's finally agreed to see a counselor on his own. Whether or not he will benefit is another matter. For me, today, I am just plain tired. Tired of making accommodations (another sin of mine - he hates that word from me) for his issue. Tired of having to think before I think. Think before I speak. Think before I feel. Especially think before I react. The childishness from him and the restraint I have to practice to NOT be the parent. In fact, walking on eggshells is easier than dealing with ADD. I have my own issues that I deal with daily - fibromyalgia and hypoglycemia. I feel that I have to do my part and his part to keep things going and omg the forgetfulness - within five minutes of me asking. Even when I ask repeatedly. In the same two hour period on the same day. Guys...the frustration is at times more than I can deal with on a good day, much less days like today. The worst of all this is the guilt - the guilt he lays on me and the guilt I lay on myself.

I guess today was just one of those days that make me feel like an utter failure as a human being and I needed to vent somewhere. Sorry. :(

anonymouslyadd
08-27-16, 08:13 PM
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I wonder if that's how my ex felt about me on many days.

How are you at setting boundaries? He needs them.

You're trying and that means something. That means a lot. There are many who don't even believe it's a disorder. Be careful to care for yourself first. Don't let him treat you like crap. You'll never be perfect.

Little Missy
08-27-16, 09:39 PM
Do you think that maybe you could each try to make up for the others capabilities and limitations?

sarahsweets
08-28-16, 01:00 PM
We are in counseling and he's finally agreed to see a counselor on his own. Whether or not he will benefit is another matter.
You have to make it clear that he MUST continue counseling.


For me, today, I am just plain tired. Tired of making accommodations (another sin of mine - he hates that word from me) for his issue. Tired of having to think before I think. Think before I speak. Think before I feel. Especially think before I react. The childishness from him and the restraint I have to practice to NOT be the parent. In fact, walking on eggshells is easier than dealing with ADD. I have my own issues that I deal with daily - fibromyalgia and hypoglycemia. I feel that I have to do my part and his part to keep things going and omg the forgetfulness - within five minutes of me asking. Even when I ask repeatedly. In the same two hour period on the same day. Guys...the frustration is at times more than I can deal with on a good day, much less days like today. The worst of all this is the guilt - the guilt he lays on me and the guilt I lay on myself.
I want to validate your feelings-you have a right to them, and you are in a tough situation. My first instinct is to encourage you to read up on the specifics of adhd- something like Russell Barkley. It may at least help you to understand the whys of his issues, and how better to deal with it.
This doesnt mean you need to parent him though. That is never a good dynamic with spouses. It increases resentment, lack of reponsibility and doesnt do the adhd person any good- at least as far as self care goes.

There is nothing wrong with having expectations- as long as they are specific and established before something has to be done.
You cant expect something without him knowing ahead of time what he needs to do. And it has to be very specific- with parameters or else it will get lost in the mind clutter.

Fortune
08-28-16, 03:24 PM
That's Russell Barkley. Charles Barkley is a basketball player who fought Godzilla (https://d2lzb5v10mb0lj.cloudfront.net/covers/300/g/gvb.jpg).

As far as the OP goes, it sounds like you need accommodations from him as well. It can't all be one-sided.

sarahsweets
08-28-16, 03:31 PM
That's Russell Barkley. Charles Barkley is a basketball player who fought Godzilla (https://d2lzb5v10mb0lj.cloudfront.net/covers/300/g/gvb.jpg).

As far as the OP goes, it sounds like you need accommodations from him as well. It can't all be one-sided.

OMG- I know this, I thought I did type russell. Please please edit it fortune!

ADHDWife&Mom
08-29-16, 10:05 AM
So sorry you are going through this. You are not alone in feeling this way. So many days I have felt like I needed to parent my husband and that I needed so much patience just to deal. I really have no advice I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

sarahsweets
08-29-16, 11:44 AM
The childishness from him and the restraint I have to practice to NOT be the parent.
Just wanted to comment on this. The only way not to be in the parental role is to not run around cleaning up his messes and allow for some natural consequences. Boundaries are needed too.
If he knows you are always a step behind to keep him together, he will rely on you just as a child relies on mom or dad. That is no way to have a committed, sexual and emotional relationship.

Themiddle
09-01-16, 09:26 AM
Just wanted to comment on this. The only way not to be in the parental role is to not run around cleaning up his messes and allow for some natural consequences. Boundaries are needed too.
If he knows you are always a step behind to keep him together, he will rely on you just as a child relies on mom or dad. That is no way to have a committed, sexual and emotional relationship.

How do I do that when there are typically no consequences for him, but for me? Like, home repairs...I'm the one home all day so if he doesn't fix something, the consequences are mine to deal with than they are his. Seriously, he never has any consequences.

sarahsweets
09-02-16, 05:11 AM
How do I do that when there are typically no consequences for him, but for me? Like, home repairs...I'm the one home all day so if he doesn't fix something, the consequences are mine to deal with than they are his. Seriously, he never has any consequences.

What happens when he needs clean clothes, dinnner, medication? What happens if he needs to renew his license and forgets? I am not saying consequences like letting your house fall apart- but any other thing you do for him or the house can be let go in some ways. When there are no clean dishes what will he do?

_Karen_Cee_
09-07-16, 05:47 PM
Thanks y'all...have never heard of Russell Barkley but will be reading to see what he has to say about all this. School has started back for me and my time is limited, as well as my energy levels. You ever have that feeling that something is just around the corner? That's kinda how I feel this evening...as if something momentous is around the bend. Good or bad, I'm sure I don't know. I just know that something must change.

Again, thanks y'all...