View Full Version : Demisexuality - other sexualities - support thread


BellaVita
09-05-16, 09:18 PM
I had a life-changing and eye-opening experience recently: I discovered that I'm demisexual.

This means that I can't feel sexual attraction to a person unless I have a close emotional connection/friendship with them first.

I do not experience sexual attraction to others that I see walking about, I actually have trouble comprehending that most people are that way.

I have always been confused and irritated with all of the sex stuff our media seems to have surrounding us, and never understood why it was so popular. This sex-obsessed world has always made me uncomfortable and alienated.

It's a relief knowing there's a word for the way I am. I have only been sexually attracted to very few people in my life. And even then, I feel like that sexual attraction isn't the same as others feel.

For example I've always felt repulsed/not sexually attracted to the male penis....only being in a loving relationship have I begun to feel less repulsed/"getting used to" it...although I do enjoy sex and the emotional experience that gives me. And the sexual feelings I have as a response to that connection.

Anyway - I'm looking to connect with others who are demisexual/asexual/grey-Ace etc. (Although not limited to those - people of all sexualities are welcome) I guess I want to also not feel so alone.

Little Missy
09-05-16, 09:27 PM
Simply put, I am a One Man Woman. :D

BellaVita
09-06-16, 03:25 AM
Guess there's not many of us here. :(

Makes me feel a bit sad, I could really use the support. Or really that sense of community knowing I'm not the only one.

stef
09-06-16, 03:28 AM
Bella! I read this earlier
thanks for sharing this. I'm really happy for you, that you've been enlightened about your feelings.:grouphug:

midnightstar
09-06-16, 04:05 AM
:grouphug: Bella I can't really see the attraction of them either :grouphug:

I'll post more later - have to head out to work :grouphug:

BellaVita
09-06-16, 04:15 AM
Bella! I read this earlier
thanks for sharing this. I'm really happy for you, that you've been enlightened about your feelings.:grouphug:

Thank you. :grouphug:

Bluechoo
09-06-16, 08:59 AM
I can relate to what you described, but I prefer to keep labels off myself. Besides, I've been making some changes lately... I always want to leave room to grow; I don't want to put myself down as something that I will not be sure about tomorrow.

I suppose I am free-sexual... At least, that is what I would aspire to be like.

I have not ventured into the realm of casual sex, yet. I used to want the emotional connection, but now I'm working really hard on my life and having a lot of fun doing things for myself. I don't even get lonely much these days. I still have needs, and I am starting to think that I might not need the emotional connection as much as I thought I did. It could be a very pleasant experience to enjoy some consensual adult play-time with someone who is just as happy as me to go separate ways afterwards. I could also see myself getting into a friends-with-benefit situation, but one that actually sustains the "friends" part without letting the benefits clot up either party's emotions.

Unmanagable
09-06-16, 09:33 AM
I didn't realize so many different labels even existed, to be honest. I used to be "casually hyper-sexual" to self-medicate myself through the rapidly accumulating symptoms of complex ptsd that I experienced after being repeatedly sexually abused in my very early and late teen years.

It lasted well into my late twenties and would often rear it's ugly head into my early thirties, depending on how well I was managing my stress. I luckily dodged life-threatening diseases and such, but damn near lost my life in a few of the scenarios based simply on the environments I immersed myself in at the time.

Coping mechanisms come in all shapes and sizes and I used to use ALL of the most harmful ones available, every chance I got. I would often feel and desire connections to sexual partners that were non-existent after my body was used up for their personal desires and purposes, and struggled with never feeling good enough.

Such an incredibly tangled web I weaved in those years. Grateful to have found my way out of that mess. I now feel valued and desired simply for letting myself be who I really am vs. what I have to offer up based solely on what I feel others expect. Priceless.

aeon
09-06-16, 01:07 PM
I have some tendency toward demisexuality, but in the end, I am not that.

Though uncommon, I do sometimes feel sexual attraction to people with whom I have no emotional connection.

I would certainly expect to see a marked difference between men and women in this regard on account of androgens, in particular, testosterone.


Cheers,
Ian

julialouise
09-07-16, 01:47 AM
i am the same way! at first i went with asexual, then gray-asexual, and then i found demisexual. i'm attracted to all genders, and i see aesthetic beauty in people (some more than others, based on what i guess would be considered my "preference"), but i don't feel sexual attraction until i actually spend time around them or get to know more about them.

KarmanMonkey
09-08-16, 11:24 AM
My sexuality is similar, but I'm not sure if it's quite the same as what you describe.

I find 99% of porn silly and a waste of time.

I find movie sex and written erotica far more appealing, possibly because it's often more about the relationship and the connection than the act itself.

I minimally tolerate BEING a man, let alone having sex with one, but am as accepting as one can get and still be straight.

I can crush on actresses, and sometimes even cartoon characters when I was younger, but I am only ever sexually attracted to any "real live" person when I grow to love who they are.

On some level I find all women beautiful, but there's admiring the aesthetic and there's sexual desire. The latter is really only there with the emotional connection.

Pre-marriage I've had friends with benefits, but it's never just been sex with me, and I don't think it could be. I don't think I'd enjoy sex if I didn't have that connection with the person.

Lunacie
09-08-16, 01:26 PM
Ah, this helps me make sense of my own feelings, or lack thereof.

My nieces love to post photos to facebook of young fit guys with bare chests and low-ride jeans.

Those photos don't do anything for me. They are vaguely interesting, as long as the guy doesn't have ridiculously humongous musculature.

I'm not sure whether I'm demisexual or all the way at the end of the spectrum at asexual.

So my lack of sexual feelings or interest coupled with the fact that my hubby was a crappy lover, lack of sex definately played in a part ending the marriage.

Abi
09-09-16, 07:33 AM
I believe I am demisexual as well.

*Waves* btw.

BellaVita
09-09-16, 07:29 PM
I can relate to what you described, but I prefer to keep labels off myself. Besides, I've been making some changes lately... I always want to leave room to grow; I don't want to put myself down as something that I will not be sure about tomorrow.

I suppose I am free-sexual... At least, that is what I would aspire to be like.

I have not ventured into the realm of casual sex, yet. I used to want the emotional connection, but now I'm working really hard on my life and having a lot of fun doing things for myself. I don't even get lonely much these days. I still have needs, and I am starting to think that I might not need the emotional connection as much as I thought I did. It could be a very pleasant experience to enjoy some consensual adult play-time with someone who is just as happy as me to go separate ways afterwards. I could also see myself getting into a friends-with-benefit situation, but one that actually sustains the "friends" part without letting the benefits clot up either party's emotions.

I'm glad to hear you don't get lonely much these days.

For some people a label helps, for others they prefer not to have one.

Everyone is different - thank you for sharing your feelings about this.

BellaVita
09-09-16, 07:33 PM
I didn't realize so many different labels even existed, to be honest. I used to be "casually hyper-sexual" to self-medicate myself through the rapidly accumulating symptoms of complex ptsd that I experienced after being repeatedly sexually abused in my very early and late teen years.

It lasted well into my late twenties and would often rear it's ugly head into my early thirties, depending on how well I was managing my stress. I luckily dodged life-threatening diseases and such, but damn near lost my life in a few of the scenarios based simply on the environments I immersed myself in at the time.

That's pretty scary - I'm glad you are here today. :grouphug:

Coping mechanisms come in all shapes and sizes and I used to use ALL of the most harmful ones available, every chance I got. I would often feel and desire connections to sexual partners that were non-existent after my body was used up for their personal desires and purposes, and struggled with never feeling good enough.

Such an incredibly tangled web I weaved in those years. Grateful to have found my way out of that mess. I now feel valued and desired simply for letting myself be who I really am vs. what I have to offer up based solely on what I feel others expect. Priceless.

It's so good to read a story that turns out well. I'm glad you feel valued and desired for being you - that is important.

Thanks for feeling comfortable and safe enough to share your experiences.

BellaVita
09-09-16, 07:38 PM
I have some tendency toward demisexuality, but in the end, I am not that.

Though uncommon, I do sometimes feel sexual attraction to people with whom I have no emotional connection.

I would certainly expect to see a marked difference between men and women in this regard on account of androgens, in particular, testosterone.


Cheers,
Ian

I wonder if you might relate to other sexualities where the person experiences sexual attraction to someone they don't have a close connection with on rare occasions?

I don't know if it's really that different for women. I mean, I don't know how true it is but I've read most women are "sexuals." Just like men are. (I hope that word isn't offensive - I'm not sure what the proper term I should be using is, and I've read the term "sexual" before when describing someone who experiences primary sexual attraction.)

BellaVita
09-09-16, 07:41 PM
i am the same way! at first i went with asexual, then gray-asexual, and then i found demisexual. i'm attracted to all genders, and i see aesthetic beauty in people (some more than others, based on what i guess would be considered my "preference"), but i don't feel sexual attraction until i actually spend time around them or get to know more about them.

Glad to have another demisexual around. :)

:grouphug:

BellaVita
09-09-16, 07:51 PM
My sexuality is similar, but I'm not sure if it's quite the same as what you describe.

I find 99% of porn silly and a waste of time.

I find movie sex and written erotica far more appealing, possibly because it's often more about the relationship and the connection than the act itself.

I minimally tolerate BEING a man, let alone having sex with one, but am as accepting as one can get and still be straight.

I can crush on actresses, and sometimes even cartoon characters when I was younger, but I am only ever sexually attracted to any "real live" person when I grow to love who they are.

On some level I find all women beautiful, but there's admiring the aesthetic and there's sexual desire. The latter is really only there with the emotional connection.

Pre-marriage I've had friends with benefits, but it's never just been sex with me, and I don't think it could be. I don't think I'd enjoy sex if I didn't have that connection with the person.

Interesting - I actually have never watched porn. (Except for when I was little my father had tons and I would be clueless about what I was seeing....in the end though it pretty much traumatized me. I was 6 when I first saw it. Pretty sick that he didn't even attempt to hide it from his young child. In fact sometimes he would deliberately show me pornographic images.)

Anyway, I'm repulsed by porn (and have a legit phobia of it) for a number of reasons.

I can relate that I can sometimes find someone to be good-looking. But I don't experience sexual attraction to them.

Oddly enough I often can't tell if someone is what would be considered "attractive."

Did having friends with benefits hurt you in the end since you needed that emotional connection to feel sexual attraction?

BellaVita
09-09-16, 07:56 PM
Ah, this helps me make sense of my own feelings, or lack thereof.

My nieces love to post photos to facebook of young fit guys with bare chests and low-ride jeans.

Those photos don't do anything for me. They are vaguely interesting, as long as the guy doesn't have ridiculously humongous musculature.

I'm the exact same way! While I was in the process of discovering my sexuality - I even tried to look at a photo of a random muscular guy who had his shirt off - did nothing. I couldn't see the appeal.


I'm not sure whether I'm demisexual or all the way at the end of the spectrum at asexual.

So my lack of sexual feelings or interest coupled with the fact that my hubby was a crappy lover, lack of sex definately played in a part ending the marriage.

It feels good that someone else is similar to me, anyway. Thank you for sharing. :)

BellaVita
09-09-16, 07:58 PM
I believe I am demisexual as well.

*Waves* btw.

Abi!! :)

Cool :)

Lunacie
09-09-16, 08:57 PM
I believe I am demisexual as well.

*Waves* btw.

http://orig14.deviantart.net/5628/f/2009/300/5/7/waving_smiley_by_mirz123.gif

I'm really glad to see you. :D

sarahsweets
09-10-16, 12:23 AM
I had never heard of this until this thread. I would say I am also demisexual for the most part- even lust has always been a result of kinship and friendship.

aeon
09-10-16, 12:33 AM
I wonder if you might relate to other sexualities where the person experiences sexual attraction to someone they don't have a close connection with on rare occasions?

I think I have related to many different kinds or expressions of sexuality, and I have met people like myself for sure. That said, I never related well with asexuals, because I could only ever imagine it in the abstract, but not relate to the experience of it whatsoever. :confused:

I don't know if it's really that different for women. I mean, I don't know how true it is but I've read most women are "sexuals." Just like men are. (I hope that word isn't offensive - I'm not sure what the proper term I should be using is, and I've read the term "sexual" before when describing someone who experiences primary sexual attraction.)

Oh, for sure, and I take people, and women, at their word in any case.

And it is fair to say that womenís sexuality is different than menís, but the nature of its difference does not make it less.

Maybe someday we will learn that the difference in normative libido and level of sexual desire between men and women across a population is nothing more than the effect of culture, and given the opportunity, we too would be like Bonobo monkeys in regards to our sexual expression. ;)

Also, having read deadbedrooms on reddit, I have seen that both men and women are sexual, and are not, and for the same and different reasons.

For example I've always felt repulsed/not sexually attracted to the male penis....only being in a loving relationship have I begun to feel less repulsed/"getting used to" it...although I do enjoy sex and the emotional experience that gives me. And the sexual feelings I have as a response to that connection.

I thought about this a while and thought ďI am happy for you if you are happy or getting to happy,Ē and then I started thinking about myself, and why I felt I didnít relate to it (in regards to women).

And then I realized, Iíve never much considered female vulvas, at least apart from the women themselves, in a sexual way, meaning Iíve never felt attracted to a vulva outside of my feeling attracted to the woman in question, if that makes sense. I donít know if this has something to do with visual presentation in terms of being external vs. internal, or what other factors might inform it.

And then I thought about the male penis, and I am neither sexually attracted nor repulsed by it, at least as it appears on a given male body. I can find said male body beautiful in an aesthetic sense, and I can appreciate its sexual nature as erotic in some way, but it does not excite me sexually.

That said, thoughts of my own penis can sexually excite me because I have memories and associations with it that are sexual and pleasurable, and on a more simple level, thoughts of it can directly lead to feeling in it, and itís a short path from sensation to sexual excitement.

---

Then I thought some more about the role of emotional connection in sexual attraction, arousal, and excitement, based on my experience.

I can experience sexual attraction to someone who I have no emotional connection with. It doesnít happen often, but it does happen.

I can experience arousal and excitement with someone who I have very little emotional connection with, and I know this because I had a one-night-stand once in my life, and those things occurred. Otherwise, those things have always been experienced in the context of an emotional connection, and a reciprocal one at that.

That said, a reciprocal and rewarding emotional connection with a woman, if there is mutual sexual attraction, always (for me) leads to a kind of psychosexual energy that presents as loving expression and sexual libido. Affection and desire both, expressed again and again, in all manner of presentations. It feels like some kind of pleasurable, ardent, madness, compared and contrasted with otherwise normal conscious awareness.

---

I thought maybe my capacity for adoration, sexual attraction, sexual excitement, even joyful enthusiasm, was somehow greatly less than it was in times past, both as a function of (negative) life experience, as well as my age.

And ďyouíre only 17 once!,Ē I told myself, so rightly so! :umm1:

I. Was. So. Wrong. :doh:

Iíve recently experienced one of those ďreciprocal and rewardingĒ emotional connections, and we are attracted to each other, and we love one another.

And my goodness, it is more like being 17 again than I imagined it would be, or could have guessed beforehand. The psychosexual energy and resulting adoration and libido is quite the surprise, even as I am happy for it and enjoying the experience of it more than anything I can remember in ages.

I am the same loving and sexual creature I ever was. I had simply forgot what that all feels like for years and years because of lack of a suitable partner.

This woman is...well, there arenít any words I could say that would make sense, and even if I could, I would say them to her.

That said, to me she looks absolutely good enough to eat...metaphorically, mind you, even if it is literally true as well. http://www.sympato.ch/smileys/Yaisse.gif

So, I may not be a demisexual, but I for sure appreciate sexuality intertwined with emotional connection. It is the foundation of one of the great beauties and mysteries of what it is to be human, and Love and be Loved.


Thanks,
Ian

BellaVita
09-10-16, 12:44 AM
I had never heard of this until this thread. I would say I am also demisexual for the most part- even lust has always been a result of kinship and friendship.

Cool! Welcome. :) :grouphug:

aeon
09-10-16, 12:56 AM
I can definitely say I am sapiosexual. :)


Nerds are Sexy,
Ian

BellaVita
09-10-16, 12:58 AM
I think I have related to many different kinds or expressions of sexuality, and I have met people like myself for sure. That said, I never related well with asexuals, because I could only ever imagine it in the abstract, but not relate to the experience of it whatsoever. :confused:



Oh, for sure, and I take people, and women, at their word in any case.

And it is fair to say that womenís sexuality is different than menís, but the nature of its difference does not make it less.

Maybe someday we will learn that the difference in normative libido and level of sexual desire between men and women across a population is nothing more than the effect of culture, and given the opportunity, we too would be like Bonobo monkeys in regards to our sexual expression. ;)

Also, having read deadbedrooms on reddit, I have seen that both men and women are sexual, and are not, and for the same and different reasons.



I thought about this a while and thought ďI am happy for you if you are happy or getting to happy,Ē and then I started thinking about myself, and why I felt I didnít relate to it (in regards to women).

And then I realized, Iíve never much considered female vulvas, at least apart from the women themselves, in a sexual way, meaning Iíve never felt attracted to a vulva outside of my feeling attracted to the woman in question, if that makes sense. I donít know if this has something to do with visual presentation in terms of being external vs. internal, or what other factors might inform it.

And then I thought about the male penis, and I am neither sexually attracted nor repulsed by it, at least as it appears on a given male body. I can find said male body beautiful in an aesthetic sense, and I can appreciate its sexual nature as erotic in some way, but it does not excite me sexually.

That said, thoughts of my own penis can sexually excite me because I have memories and associations with it that are sexual and pleasurable, and on a more simple level, thoughts of it can directly lead to feeling in it, and itís a short path from sensation to sexual excitement.

---

Then I thought some more about the role of emotional connection in sexual attraction, arousal, and excitement, based on my experience.

I can experience sexual attraction to someone who I have no emotional connection with. It doesnít happen often, but it does happen.

I can experience arousal and excitement with someone who I have very little emotional connection with, and I know this because I had a one-night-stand once in my life, and those things occurred. Otherwise, those things have always been experienced in the context of an emotional connection, and a reciprocal one at that.

That said, a reciprocal and rewarding emotional connection with a woman, if there is mutual sexual attraction, always (for me) leads to a kind of psychosexual energy that presents as loving expression and sexual libido. Affection and desire both, expressed again and again, in all manner of presentations. It feels like some kind of pleasurable, ardent, madness, compared and contrasted with otherwise normal conscious awareness.

---

I thought maybe my capacity for adoration, sexual attraction, sexual excitement, even joyful enthusiasm, was somehow greatly less than it was in times past, both as a function of (negative) life experience, as well as my age.

And ďyouíre only 17 once!,Ē I told myself, so rightly so! :umm1:

I. Was. So. Wrong. :doh:

Iíve recently experienced one of those ďreciprocal and rewardingĒ emotional connections, and we are attracted to each other, and we love one another.

And my goodness, it is more like being 17 again than I imagined it would be, or could have guessed beforehand. The psychosexual energy and resulting adoration and libido is quite the surprise, even as I am happy for it and enjoying the experience of it more than anything I can remember in ages.

I am the same loving and sexual creature I ever was. I had simply forgot what that all feels like for years and years because of lack of a suitable partner.

This woman is...well, there arenít any words I could say that would make sense, and even if I could, I would say them to her.

That said, to me she looks absolutely good enough to eat...metaphorically, mind you, even if it is literally true as well. http://www.sympato.ch/smileys/Yaisse.gif

So, I may not be a demisexual, but I for sure appreciate sexuality intertwined with emotional connection. It is the foundation of one of the great beauties and mysteries of what it is to be human, and Love and be Loved.


Thanks,
Ian

Thank you for the thoughtful response, Ian.

I wonder how common it is for people to be visually sexually attracted to a penis/vulva etc. I thought it was a common thing that most people experience, but I have zero evidence of this and it was just something I kinda assumed.

I have a feeling many enjoy sexual encounters far more when there is an emotional connection. I think that is one reason why having sex in a relationship is important to many sexuals - because they crave that connection and intimacy along with the physical sensations.

It feels good for me to be able to finally begin talking about this topic - I had been so uncomfortable and even fearful of this whole topic for so long. I guess I needed time to heal and discover myself in other ways before I felt okay to finally dive into this sort of discussion.

Also - I wish you lots of love and peace and happiness in your experience with the woman you spoke of. :grouphug:

aeon
09-10-16, 01:12 AM
Thank you for the thoughtful response, Ian.

Thank you.

I wonder how common it is for people to be visually sexually attracted to a penis/vulva etc. I thought it was a common thing that most people experience, but I have zero evidence of this and it was just something I kinda assumed.

There must be data for this. As a test, I downloaded a picture pack of 25 of each, so genitalia was all that was seen. My response? More medical/scientific/fascinating than anything else.

I have a feeling many enjoy sexual encounters far more when there is an emotional connection. I think that is one reason why having sex in a relationship is important to many sexuals - because they crave that connection and intimacy along with the physical sensations.

Absolutely. And as the need that drives the sexual desire varies, so does the language used to describe the sex itself.

It feels good for me to be able to finally begin talking about this topic - I had been so uncomfortable and even fearful of this whole topic for so long. I guess I needed time to heal and discover myself in other ways before I felt okay to finally dive into this sort of discussion.

I think it is a great thread, and I just voted it 5 stars before I saw this post.

I am glad to hear you are healing, discovering who you are, and that it feels good to explore what you previously avoided. And I am also glad that you are patient with yourself, and committed to your own growth, in a way that works for you. Thatís real self-love, I think.

Also - I wish you lots of love and peace and happiness in your experience with the woman you spoke of. :grouphug:

Thank you, and may your marriage be blessed with the same, such that you both may know bliss. :)


The Best To You And Yours,
Ian

KarmanMonkey
09-13-16, 03:26 PM
Interesting - I actually have never watched porn. (Except for when I was little my father had tons and I would be clueless about what I was seeing....in the end though it pretty much traumatized me. I was 6 when I first saw it. Pretty sick that he didn't even attempt to hide it from his young child. In fact sometimes he would deliberately show me pornographic images.)

Anyway, I'm repulsed by porn (and have a legit phobia of it) for a number of reasons.

I can relate that I can sometimes find someone to be good-looking. But I don't experience sexual attraction to them.

Oddly enough I often can't tell if someone is what would be considered "attractive."

Did having friends with benefits hurt you in the end since you needed that emotional connection to feel sexual attraction?

I can understand your situation with porn... From my perspective you're not missing much. I'm hopeful that the trauma you experienced has not kept you from experiencing good, positive relationships.

As far as my experience with friends with benefits, it made the boundaries blurry for sure, but in my case the friendships were close ones, and the sexuality was just an adjunct to the natural affection in the friendship. Problems that developed were usually things unrelated to the sex.