View Full Version : I really don't understand men


midnightstar
09-09-16, 05:16 PM
Can someone explain please why when a woman cares about a man, the man doesn't appreciate the woman and decides to go running after other women then as soon as the woman leaves the relationship and creates a new life for herself the man decides he wants back into the relationship? Then if the woman lets him back in he messes around again until the woman leaves again and if she tells him touch luck you lost your chance he keeps trying to get her to change her mind?

I don't understand??????

Little Missy
09-09-16, 06:17 PM
Because it is one of the great and delicious mysteries of life. If you understood, it no longer would be fun.

Lunacie
09-09-16, 06:29 PM
Because it is one of the great and delicious mysteries of life. If you understood, it no longer would be fun.

Fun? My hubby cheated on me. It wasn't fun for me at all. :confused:

midnightstar
09-09-16, 06:33 PM
Fun? My hubby cheated on me. It wasn't fun for me at all. :confused:

Maybe it's "fun" for the men but not fun for us women :scratch:

namazu
09-09-16, 06:46 PM
I don't think this is so much about men vs. women...there are people of all genders who cheat and treat their partners badly, and people of all genders who don't cheat and treat their partners with respect and kindness.

It's more about this particular guy you dated being in that first category. I think you need to cut off all contact with him, because he's shown no indication that he'll ever treat you with respect and kindness, and plenty of indications that he'll treat you badly.

midnightstar
09-09-16, 07:00 PM
Last contact I had with him was to tell him to go direct to hell, don't pass go or collect £200 monopoly money.

Had to block him on facebook, he'd be all "please give me another chance" then if I let him have one final chance he'd mess about. Another man I was going to meet would do similar, in his case he did the ultimatum thing "meet up with me or sod off" and the day he insisted upon there's no transport from where I live cause the buses are utter crap and I can't drive.

midnightstar
09-09-16, 07:10 PM
Maybe there's something wrong with me that means men know they can treat me like crap cause it's all I deserve.

Lunacie
09-09-16, 07:12 PM
Maybe there's something wrong with me that means men know they can treat me like crap cause it's all I deserve.

Nope, there's something wrong with men that think that they can get by with bad behavior.

Unfortunately ... it seems to be genetic. Men pass this on to their sons. :umm1:

midnightstar
09-09-16, 07:17 PM
Nope, there's something wrong with men that think that they can get by with bad behavior.

Unfortunately ... it seems to be genetic. Men pass this on to their sons. :umm1:

I suppose it could also be the same for women - maybe in some cases men behave like they do cause maybe they were treated the same as they treat women? idk I don't understand the whole mentality of it (whether it's male or females doing it)

Little Missy
09-09-16, 09:15 PM
Last contact I had with him was to tell him to go direct to hell, don't pass go or collect £200 monopoly money.

Had to block him on facebook, he'd be all "please give me another chance" then if I let him have one final chance he'd mess about. Another man I was going to meet would do similar, in his case he did the ultimatum thing "meet up with me or sod off" and the day he insisted upon there's no transport from where I live cause the buses are utter crap and I can't drive.

Probably for the best that all of that folderol is long over now. :)

BellaVita
09-09-16, 09:26 PM
Then that man is not a keeper and should be left without looking back.

There are some creeps in the world. Those who don't care about the feelings of others and just use them for whenever they "need" them. And then treat them like garbage.

Don't settle for less. You deserve to be treated with respect.

aeon
09-09-16, 11:06 PM
Can someone explain please why when a woman cares about a man, the man doesn't appreciate the woman and decides to go running after other women then as soon as the woman leaves the relationship and creates a new life for herself the man decides he wants back into the relationship? Then if the woman lets him back in he messes around again until the woman leaves again and if she tells him touch luck you lost your chance he keeps trying to get her to change her mind?

As namazu says below, it is down to the people, and each person has their reasons, whether they are aware of them, or not. Some are cultural, some are familial, and some otherwise. Sex and gender roles sure play into it.

Because it is one of the great and delicious mysteries of life. If you understood, it no longer would be fun.

;)

Fun? My hubby cheated on me. It wasn't fun for me at all. :confused:

Well, I think Little Missy was speaking in metaphor, and being gently sarcastic, so it wonít work to apply it to any specific situation. It does work well for the human experience in general about ďthe dance,Ē if you nod and wink.

Maybe it's "fun" for the men but not fun for us women :scratch:

Oh, I donít think so. Men and women both are caught up in all kinds of games that arenít very rewarding or fun. Some men are taught to speak less about their feelings, in any case, and in particular, some men are taught to never speak about situations where they were not in control, denied, or they did not ďwin.Ē

I don't think this is so much about men vs. women...there are people of all genders who cheat and treat their partners badly, and people of all genders who don't cheat and treat their partners with respect and kindness.

Simply said, and simply wise.

Maybe there's something wrong with me that means men know they can treat me like crap cause it's all I deserve.

I donít think anyone deserves anything, period. You certainly donít deserve to be treated like crap.

Sometimes early life traumatic experience makes it more likely that a given person will be traumatized again, as an adult. And for sure, sometimes early life chronic traumatic experience with shape a personality such that a person will be attracted to abusive people, and abusive people can easily see those so shaped.

For example, because of my early life experiences, I can find some narcissists absolutely magnetic, and those narcissists are likely to see that I am easily held in their sway, and manipulated to their own ends.

But that is not my destiny...I simply have to be careful and watch because I know that about myself. I certainly donít deserve a narcissist or the loveless slime they ooze out across the emotional landscape.

Nope, there's something wrong with men that think that they can get by with bad behavior.

Unfortunately ... it seems to be genetic. Men pass this on to their sons. :umm1:

Yes, they do, but make no mistake, mothers also pass it on to their sons, even when it will be of no benefit and much pain to othersí daughters, sisters, and mothers.

This has nothing to do with men, and everything to do with culture, and its values, myths, and mores. Those same things inform and fuel many ďbad behaviorsĒ that women take part in, but it isnít because they are women, it it because they didnít learn a better way, just like the men did not.

I suppose it could also be the same for women - maybe in some cases men behave like they do cause maybe they were treated the same as they treat women? idk I don't understand the whole mentality of it (whether it's male or females doing it)

That could be.

I donít understand it entirely either. I can guess, and maybe understand some of it, but I would never know all the reasons, which are surely as varied and many as the people in question.

Iím a man, and I have never cheated or chased other women when I have been in a relationship. And Iíve never tried to get back together with anyone once it was over. And surely, I am not alone.

Iíve been lied to and cheated on a couple of times, and when relationships and collateral friendships go down in flames and heartbreak because of lying and cheating, it hurts like hell, and it is for me one of the worst life experiences I can have.

Humans have need for attention, recognition, validation, touch, comfort, safety, trust, and ultimately Love. People go about their life trying to meet those needs in the best way they know how with their unique skills and resources, as limited by their situation.

Sometimes that means people will act in a way that leaves their needs unmet, and they hurt a lot of people in the process, and thatís sad for everyone involved.


Cheers to All,
Ian

Lunacie
09-09-16, 11:38 PM
Well, I think Little Missy was speaking in metaphor, and being gently sarcastic, so it wonít work to apply it to any specific situation. It does work well for the human experience in general about ďthe dance,Ē if you nod and wink.

Cheers to All,
Ian

Just for the record I was also being a bit gently sarcastic, or ironic, or facetious.

That's why I included the little smiley guy ... :umm1:

I didn't see anything like that in LM's post, as someone who is probably on the autism spectrum somewhere, I took it literally. :doh:

sarahsweets
09-10-16, 12:18 AM
Can someone explain please why when a woman cares about a man, the man doesn't appreciate the woman and decides to go running after other women then as soon as the woman leaves the relationship and creates a new life for herself the man decides he wants back into the relationship? Then if the woman lets him back in he messes around again until the woman leaves again and if she tells him touch luck you lost your chance he keeps trying to get her to change her mind?

I don't understand??????

Because the man in question is a selfish,egotistical pig,

aeon
09-10-16, 12:39 AM
Just for the record I was also being a bit gently sarcastic, or ironic, or facetious.

That's why I included the little smiley guy ... :umm1:

I didn't see anything like that in LM's post, as someone who is probably on the autism spectrum somewhere, I took it literally. :doh:

That makes sense, and thank you for that information. And to the degree merited, you have my apology.

I often take things literally, even when there are clear signs not to. Iím not on the autism spectrum (I donít think, anyway), but I do have this weird blindness to sarcasm, both typed and spoken dryly. Iím not sure why.


Cheers,
Ian

salleh
09-10-16, 04:15 AM
....I cheated on my husband ...but he treated me like s*** ......I was desperate to be valued for myself .....of course ...I ended up with a paranoid sczisophrenic ....( or however you spell that .....srsly, I met a psychiatrist, and described the guys behavior, and she said run do not walk away from this guy ....he's seriously damaged ....oops .....

....not my proudest time of life .....

...Since I was bound and determined to be a great photographer, I did not let myself fall for any of the good guys, I made sure to fall for the ones I couldn't take home to meet the parental units, or who I knew wasn't into settling down ....I didn't want to settle down .....

.....I've been with some jerks, some really wonderful men, some very damaged ....and a few who actually had their head screwed on straight ....


...The trick is to keep centered in yourself .....my sisters value to herself, depended on how valuable her men treated her ....used to drive me crazy ....she one one of the finest people to ever walk the earth, I loved her dearly, and thought she hung the moon....and when some jerk off would treat her badly, and she would go into a tailspin, it would infuriate me ....the only thing that prevented me from going after the jerkoffs was I knew it would hurt her ...no matter what anyone else would say to her, ....only that a** h**** view mattered to her .....


.....when someone plays those kinds of games ....get yourself away from them as soon as you figure out that's what they are ....( I said what instead of who, cause I don't give them the courtesy of granting them humanity ....)

...Having reached the grand old age of 66, I find I have less and less time for people I don't deem worthy .....fooey on them ....and the horse they rode in on .....

..I'm into nice people ....when young ...being called nice is the kiss of death ....as you add up time spent on the planet, and around humans ....you begin to realize how special that nice people really are ....

Pugly
09-10-16, 10:24 AM
I don't understand men either... and I am a men.

But I should be fair, I don't understand women either...

I think I get those with absolutely no gender-identity... that makes sense to me.

Lunacie
09-10-16, 11:54 AM
That makes sense, and thank you for that information. And to the degree merited, you have my apology.

I often take things literally, even when there are clear signs not to. Iím not on the autism spectrum (I donít think, anyway), but I do have this weird blindness to sarcasm, both typed and spoken dryly. Iím not sure why.


Cheers,
Ian

Thanks ... to the degree merited. :lol:

I grew up around sarcasm so to me it just sounds like the way people normally talk.

Greyhound1
09-10-16, 11:06 PM
I really don't even understand myself, never mind men & women.

ginniebean
09-11-16, 11:48 AM
I can't say I understand men except to say they're a lot like women. They like affection and pampering and want admiration. The jerk you're talking about treats all people like vrap is my guess and treats himself no better. You can't fix that so you gotta slam the door. Closing it quietly to him means.. Later.

You know this.. Be confident in your own knowing. You'll do ok.

Fuzzy12
09-11-16, 02:07 PM
What the hound said.

And ginniebean.

Your ex is a major jerk and not someone you should send time and effort trying to understand. Not all men are like that.

midnightstar
09-11-16, 02:45 PM
What the hound said.

And ginniebean.

Your ex is a major jerk and not someone you should send time and effort trying to understand. Not all men are like that.

It just seems like all the men round here are the same, either they already married (in which case I don't even go there!) or they behave like my ex did (or they seem to think that women are inferior beings - stuck in the 1950s type mentality) :scratch: or they're completely rigid about what they want a partner to look like and won't budge an inch (like wanting a supermodel who is thin with this and that body shape, this hair colour, that eye colour etc etc)

C15H25N3O
09-13-16, 11:58 AM
Hmmm, lots of triggers to avoid.

midnightstar
09-13-16, 12:02 PM
Maybe it's not the men round here, maybe there's something wrong with me instead of them, idk.

Fuzzy12
09-13-16, 12:10 PM
Maybe it's not the men round here, maybe there's something wrong with me instead of them, idk.

I highly doubt it's you but what do you think.it might be about you if there was anything?

midnightstar
09-13-16, 12:15 PM
I highly doubt it's you but what do you think.it might be about you if there was anything?

idk maybe the fact I don't look like a model?

Or maybe it's cause I'm constantly covered in cat hair and I don't care cause I adore my girls?

Fuzzy12
09-13-16, 01:30 PM
idk maybe the fact I don't look like a model?

Or maybe it's cause I'm constantly covered in cat hair and I don't care cause I adore my girls?

Even models don't look like models in real life I suppose....

None of the things you mentioned are anything negative so it's not you.

Just keep looking. There are nice guys out there. It just takes time to find someone with whom you click.

An animal lover is surely a must. Are there any clubs around where you live? Is there anything like pet clubs or cat clubs even?

Maybe even just online forums where you csn get to know like minded people.

midnightstar
09-13-16, 01:32 PM
Even models don't look like models in real life I suppose....

None of the things you mentioned are anything negative so it's not you.

Just keep looking. There are nice guys out there. It just takes time to find someone with whom you click.

An animal lover is surely a must. Are there any clubs around where you live? Is there anything like pet clubs or cat clubs even?

Maybe even just online forums where you csn get to know like minded people.

nope there's nothing round here and this is the only forum I feel comfortable on (my ex has in the past stalked me on other animal forums and dating sites)

Fuzzy12
09-13-16, 01:59 PM
nope there's nothing round here and this is the only forum I feel comfortable on (my ex has in the past stalked me on other animal forums and dating sites)

:eek:

No wonder you are a bit wary of men after that ex. :(

Seriously though there are nice guys out there. I hope you'll come across one of them sooner rather than later.

:grouphug::grouphug:

aeon
09-13-16, 02:16 PM
Both men and women want to be loved, respected, known intimately, and desired.

Itís only more complicated than that because we make it so, unnecessarily*.

Be yourself, be open to receive someone, donít judge, and go ask someone to lunch.

Youíll never know what could happen, my friends, you just could never know...until you do it. ;)


Cheers,
Ian

* OK, thatís a bit of a generalization, but not a sweeping one.

midnightstar
09-13-16, 02:18 PM
Question for the men:

If a man is into a woman (in a not-creepy way) is it normal behaviour for him to follow her around online and aim to be on every site she joins?

aeon
09-13-16, 02:41 PM
Question for the men:

If a man is into a woman (in a not-creepy way) is it normal behaviour for him to follow her around online and aim to be on every site she joins?

I donít know if that is normal or not (Iíve never done such a thing), but one thing I am sure of...that is creepy! :eyebrow:


Yikes,
Ian

Little Missy
09-13-16, 02:48 PM
Question for the men:

If a man is into a woman (in a not-creepy way) is it normal behaviour for him to follow her around online and aim to be on every site she joins?

Not normal nor desired. He must not have a job.

midnightstar
09-13-16, 02:50 PM
Not normal nor desired. He must not have a job.

He does have a job as far as I know, he certaintly had a job when I lived with him and as far as I know he never left it (and I don't want to know whether he still works there or where he is now, it'll just make me paranoid)

Little Missy
09-13-16, 02:51 PM
Is this the same one as before? Ugh. He is ancient history.

midnightstar
09-13-16, 02:54 PM
Is this the same one as before? Ugh. He is ancient history.

Yep the same one that I started the thread about.

He's spent since we split in 2011 following me around on other sites (luckily he's not found me here and I don't want to go into this much more so he doesn't get a hint from google that I'm here, if he is googling for me - I have a different username here to what I had on the other sites he found me on)

Little Missy
09-13-16, 03:01 PM
Just ignore him or quit going on any sites.

Fuzzy12
09-13-16, 04:37 PM
Question for the men:

If a man is into a woman (in a not-creepy way) is it normal behaviour for him to follow her around online and aim to be on every site she joins?

Creepy and worrying. It sounds rather unhealthy tome. Either he is checking up on you or he's insecure or he's obsessed with you. None of which are healthy. I think.

aeon
09-13-16, 05:03 PM
I was being understated before.

Iíll still say I have no idea if it is normal or not, but it is for sure creepy, and very likely not healthy.

If past case histories of situations like this are any indication, he has profound dysfunction in terms of esteem, sense of self, boundaries, and sense of security, all of which lead to issues with desire for control, boundary violations, rage, violence, and an inability to empathize or be vulnerable emotionally.

In other words, a human being incapable at that time of a mutually-engaging, reciprocally-rewarding relationship which serves the well-being of the couple and each individual as part of that couple.

Donít just avoid...run!


Cheers,
Ian

Lunacie
09-13-16, 05:12 PM
Question for the men:

If a man is into a woman (in a not-creepy way) is it normal behaviour for him to follow her around online and aim to be on every site she joins?

I think I'd find it very creepy to have an ex-boyfriend following me everywhere online, trying to see what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, taking away my privacy.

It really sounds like online stalking to me.

sarahsweets
09-14-16, 04:14 AM
Midnight- thats not cool. Especially if he is your ex. He is your ex for a reason.

BellaVita
09-14-16, 04:46 AM
Midnight- thats not cool. Especially if he is your ex. He is your ex for a reason.

Because he's an example of the type of person NOT to date in the future

C15H25N3O
09-14-16, 05:36 AM
Question for the men:

If a man is into a woman (in a not-creepy way) is it normal behaviour for him to follow her around online and aim to be on every site she joins?

No, that is sick stalking. He needs a therapy.

Stalking is not a male thing. Most stalkers I know are women, real heavy stalkers.
I think stalkings roots are in a kind of separation anxiety triggering control mania.

Fortune
09-14-16, 05:40 AM
No, that is sick stalking. He needs a therapy.

Stalking is not a male thing. Most stalkers I know are women, real heavy stalkers.
I think stalkings roots are in a kind of separation anxiety triggering control mania.

Most stalkers I've ever known or heard of were men. I think stalking's roots are basically a lack of respect for boundaries and an overdeveloped sense of entitlement.

Fortune
09-14-16, 05:51 AM
Some statistics on stalking:

http://sites.jcu.edu/vpac/pages/stalking/stalking-statistics/
http://www.victimsofcrime.org/docs/src/stalking-fact-sheet_english.pdf

Pretty clear that the majority of stalking victims are women (as in, three times as many women as men are victims of stalking). Now it would be weird if all of those women were being stalked by women. But we don't have to guess because this page indicates:

https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles/169592.pdf

Although stalking is a gender-neutral crime, most (78 percent) stalking victims are female and most (87 percent) stalking perpetrators are male.I wouldn't take the "gender neutral crime" statement seriously if 87% of stalkers are men. It mostly just means that 13% of stalkers are women. That is, incidentally, approximately 1/7th the rate of men. It would be more accurate to say "Stalking is a predominantly a crime committed by men, and 1/8th of all stalkers are women." I would primarily take it to mean "a person of any gender can become a stalker and a person of any gender can be a victim of stalking."

kilted_scotsman
09-14-16, 09:03 AM
In many stalking situations the stalker sees the stalkee as an "object" that is in some way a missing part of their "self". This can lead to a sense of entitlement and ownership. Various delusional defences are used to validate this position.

A man is physically stronger than a woman and an insecure male psyche often has more psychological problems with being seen as weak/incomplete/rejected. This can result in a higher chance of violence against the other (the stalkee) than violence against the self in Male -> Female stalking.

Therefore it is valid for a woman to feel threatened by a male stalker's potential presence. The man does not have to act or actually threaten violence, the generic threat of male violence produces a legitimate fear response in the woman..... and she seeks assistance.

For men who are stalked by women there is a different dynamic..... men are not conditioned to be physically frightened of women and tend not to sense a potential for violence until there is some evidence. The threat is more to reputation, potential for relationships, work etc. In this situation there seems to be more risk to the mans partners than to him.... with female/female violence to remove a "rival" more likely than female/male.

In short, similar stalking behaviour elicits a very different response depending on whether it is man -> woman or woman -> man...... and a significant driver of this is perceived risk of physical violence. I suspect the stats under-report female-> male stalking but are accurate about the split of risk, with male->female stalking carrying a much greater risk of physical violence.

Stalking behaviour also occurs in the LGBT community but I don't know of any stats.

To get an idea of just how weirdly complex it can get when stalking, gender and obsession combine, there's a BBC write up here (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-6d083913-0bfb-4988-8cd8-d126fa6dcff1) about the Purple Aki case in England.

Flory
09-14-16, 09:52 AM
I don't think this is so much about men vs. women...there are people of all genders who cheat and treat their partners badly, and people of all genders who don't cheat and treat their partners with respect and kindness.

It's more about this particular guy you dated being in that first category. I think you need to cut off all contact with him, because he's shown no indication that he'll ever treat you with respect and kindness, and plenty of indications that he'll treat you badly.

Amen, sister.

Flory
09-14-16, 09:58 AM
It's difficult to get hurt over and over again but what might help you is to really think about what you find acceptable/unacceptable hurtful/helpful and learn tactics of drawing a line under it when someone treats you badly.

Also boundaries boundaries boundaries. Learn what yours are and guard them with all your might. My impulsivity and issues with confidence self worth etc have been key in my own difficulties here.

There's always a choice to continue to allow someone to be abusive, although it might not feel like it rn. I was in an abusive relationship for 5+ years it was very very hard to break away, he had isolated me completely from my family and friends and Lourded over me with threats physical and emotional. but I was the only one that could do it and I'm here 4 years later, a little scarred but I'm finding myself again.

With time and experience you will develop a resilience and the strength to say no to bad behaviour. Just be patient and kind to yourself.

As a side point men and women can be equally abusive and I dislike the "men are pigs" movement just as much as I dislike the gender stereotypes and inequalities i face as a woman. Some of the kindest people in my life that have vouched for me been there through everything have been male.

Flory
09-14-16, 10:00 AM
Also I can't recommend martial arts highly enough. Nothing feels more powerful than knowing you can handle yourself in a physical altercation if it came to it.

The emotional stuff ? that's the scariest....

kilted_scotsman
09-14-16, 11:57 AM
I can't recommend martial arts highly enough. Nothing feels more powerful than knowing you can handle yourself in a physical altercation if it came to it.

Very good advice.... martial arts if well taught and practiced also develops solid boundaries, the ability to make choices under pressure and a well grounded sense of self.

Useful in all situations, confrontational or otherwise.

Fortune
09-14-16, 01:59 PM
In short, similar stalking behaviour elicits a very different response depending on whether it is man -> woman or woman -> man...... and a significant driver of this is perceived risk of physical violence. I suspect the stats under-report female-> male stalking but are accurate about the split of risk, with male->female stalking carrying a much greater risk of physical violence.


Although it should be noted that IIRC one of the links I posted explains that underreporting is unlikely - or rather that men who are being stalked are just as likely to report it as women who are being stalked.

Edit: I recalled wrong but I did find this statement that stalking against women is only reported 50% of the time:

https://mic.com/articles/10919/domestic-violence-statistics-70-of-cases-go-unreported#.jtOCGkrCk

salleh
09-14-16, 02:56 PM
....Why don't you join the sites that you enjoyed in the past, using a different name ? ..something that he would never equate with you .....heh .....


....and it scares the c*** out of me that someone is stalking you .....does he know where you live ? .....stalkers are very scary .....

midnightstar
09-14-16, 03:23 PM
....Why don't you join the sites that you enjoyed in the past, using a different name ? ..something that he would never equate with you .....heh .....


....and it scares the c*** out of me that someone is stalking you .....does he know where you live ? .....stalkers are very scary .....

He doesn't know where I live, I've moved house twice since knowing him (I'll be fair, not down to anything he did)

C15H25N3O
09-14-16, 10:14 PM
Pretty clear that the majority of stalking victims are women

Women contact help and police for protection.
Men shake heads.
Men are under-represented in statistics.

Stalking is not a gender problem.

Also men need protection from women who stalk them.

:-)

midnightstar
09-15-16, 03:43 AM
All people, whether male or female, deserve to feel safe (and this means stalkers should not be allowed to stalk, whether they are male or female)

Fortune
09-15-16, 04:35 AM
Women contact help and police for protection.
Men shake heads.
Men are under-represented in statistics.

Stalking is not a gender problem.

Also men need protection from women who stalk them.

:-)

Dude, women are under-represented in the statistics, as 50% of women who are stalked don't report the stalking.

The statistics simply do not support what you're saying about how many men are stalked by women. They just don't.

And no one deserves to be stalked, and everyone needs to be protected from whomever stalks them, but you're the one trying to make this into a gender thing by insisting that women stalk more than men, contrary to all known statistics and facts.

midnightstar
09-15-16, 04:39 AM
The sad thing is that with online stalking the cops reckon they can't do anything, they only take action if it's real life stalking.

Hermus
09-15-16, 06:06 AM
Dude, women are under-represented in the statistics, as 50% of women who are stalked don't report the stalking.

The statistics simply do not support what you're saying about how many men are stalked by women. They just don't.

And no one deserves to be stalked, and everyone needs to be protected from whomever stalks them, but you're the one trying to make this into a gender thing by insisting that women stalk more than men, contrary to all known statistics and facts.

Are you sure that women are underrepresented? In my point of view it is dangerous to make assumptions about the representation of the different sexes in statistics, without proper research. I can imagine women not wanting to go through the process of reporting it. This might be too traumatic and there might be a lot of shame involved. On the other hand I think C15H25N3O also has a point. Since men are expected to be physically and mentally stronger than women in our culture, there might be a stigma involved in reporting harassment and violence by women to men. I think both sexes might encounter difficulties in reporting this type of crime.

sarahsweets
09-15-16, 08:36 AM
Are you sure that women are underrepresented? In my point of view it is dangerous to make assumptions about the representation of the different sexes in statistics, without proper research.
Are you kidding?? proper research as been done MANY times with many different angles. The facts are women are more likely to be stalked, and be victims of domestic violence then men. I can understand how its hard for men to get it. Most men havent walked into a bar and felt the need to watch their drink, lest a roofie gets slipped in and they get raped. Most men havent been victims of date rape, or rape due to intoxication. Most men are not told they need cover up more so they wont seem as rapeable. Most men do not have to fear walking to their car alone at night. Most men do not carry mace or stun-guns. Most men, when reporting something to the police do not have to worry about being believed. Most men do not have to worry about being victims of workplace discrimination. Most men do not have to worry about being blamed when they have been sexually assaulted. Of course there are exceptions- but the stats clearly support this.

Fortune
09-15-16, 08:43 AM
Are you sure that women are underrepresented? In my point of view it is dangerous to make assumptions about the representation of the different sexes in statistics, without proper research. I can imagine women not wanting to go through the process of reporting it. This might be too traumatic and there might be a lot of shame involved. On the other hand I think C15H25N3O also has a point. Since men are expected to be physically and mentally stronger than women in our culture, there might be a stigma involved in reporting harassment and violence by women to men. I think both sexes might encounter difficulties in reporting this type of crime.

Yes, I am sure, and I included a link earlier (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1837773&postcount=51) with the relevant statistic:

https://mic.com/articles/10919/domestic-violence-statistics-70-of-cases-go-unreported#.jtOCGkrCk

My point wasn't that men are underrepresented, but that the claim that men are underrepresented is meaningless because women are definitely underrepresented.

I know some people love to play the victim, but the reality is that when it comes to stalking, domestic violence, sexual assault, and rape, women are by far more likely to experience these things than men, and men are by far more likely to commit these things than women. One statistic I found indicated that 60% of stalkers who stalk men are men themselves, for example.

This doesn't mean that women never do it or that men are never subjected to such things, but it does mean that any claim that men are more frequently targeted for such things is automatically a contentious claim and requires a significant amount of evidence to demonstrate as factual. And such evidence simply does not exist. The statistics I posted earlier (1 in 6 women, 1 in 19 men are victims of stalking) take underreporting into account.

Fortune
09-15-16, 08:51 AM
Also, one of the major reasons men might not report a woman stalking them is because they do not see such women as a threat. This is pretty far from stigma for reporting.

Anyway, men and women are just as likely to report stalking to the police, which is stated in this pdf:

https://www.justice.gov/sites/default/files/ovw/legacy/2012/08/15/bjs-stalking-rpt.pdf

You can read the relevant information starting on page 8, and there's a handy table on page 9.

aeon
09-15-16, 12:57 PM
http://img.memecdn.com/how-the-nsa-is-in-real-life_o_4550685.jpg

http://s.quickmeme.com/img/bb/bbc93f4a15e3f6edc2a35f9beb83ef54783105b929c1443dfd 083b358d1c6e02.jpg

;)

namazu
09-15-16, 03:46 PM
^^^ (shudder)

TheFitFatty
09-18-16, 02:02 AM
Maybe there's something wrong with me that means men know they can treat me like crap cause it's all I deserve.

The only "problem" would be that you're aren't valuing yourself. You don't deserve that treatment (no one does).

I remember when I was 22 and my ex-fiancee left me for another woman, I begged him to stay. I was lost for years. I blamed myself and thought I had driven the (abusive *****) away by not putting up with his crap. I should have tried harder.

Now, as much as I adore my husband, if he cheated on me he'd be out the door. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, bye bye see you and the only tears shed would be anger. Because I know I deserve better and I deserve someone who treats me with respect (everyone does).

anonymouslyadd
09-18-16, 02:07 AM
Can someone explain please why when a woman cares about a man, the man doesn't appreciate the woman and decides to go running after other women then as soon as the woman leaves the relationship and creates a new life for herself the man decides he wants back into the relationship? Then if the woman lets him back in he messes around again until the woman leaves again and if she tells him touch luck you lost your chance he keeps trying to get her to change her mind?

I don't understand??????
Do you feel like you don't have any other options? Do you feel like if you don't take him back or hold on to him, no one else will want to be with you?

midnightstar
09-18-16, 04:31 AM
Do you feel like you don't have any other options? Do you feel like if you don't take him back or hold on to him, no one else will want to be with you?

I already *know* nobody else wants to be with me, soon as I start chatting to anyone on dating sites they run for the hills.

sarahsweets
09-18-16, 05:17 AM
I already *know* nobody else wants to be with me, soon as I start chatting to anyone on dating sites they run for the hills.

If you dont stop that negative self talk I am going to kick your butt. Dont listen to those voices star.

midnightstar
09-18-16, 05:34 AM
If you dont stop that negative self talk I am going to kick your butt. Dont listen to those voices star.

I'm saying it cause it's the truth.

sarahsweets
09-18-16, 05:42 AM
I'm saying it cause it's the truth.

Feelings are not facts. If it were true that you are the worst human being to be around and love then your cats would hate you, you know as well as I do that animals have a 6th sense about people.

midnightstar
09-18-16, 05:50 AM
Feelings are not facts. If it were true that you are the worst human being to be around and love then your cats would hate you, you know as well as I do that animals have a 6th sense about people.

Men are allergic to me though apart from that ex :umm1:

And Tigger loves everyone - case in point she even decided she loved the cops those times we've had cops turn up on our road :faint:

And I'm now derailing my own thread :D

TheFitFatty
09-18-16, 06:01 AM
I already *know* nobody else wants to be with me, soon as I start chatting to anyone on dating sites they run for the hills.

Well the obvious question to me is to ask what kind of guys you're chatting to?

Do you start the conversation or do they? Do you tend to go towards a particular type of guy?

I'm guessing that you're going for the wrong guys (douchebags like your ex), rather than no one wanting to be with you.

midnightstar
09-18-16, 06:15 AM
Well the obvious question to me is to ask what kind of guys you're chatting to?

Do you start the conversation or do they? Do you tend to go towards a particular type of guy?

I'm guessing that you're going for the wrong guys (douchebags like your ex), rather than no one wanting to be with you.

It's sometimes me starting to chat with them, other times they send an automated greeting thing that the sites have on them. idk what I'm doing "wrong".

Maybe they expect me to give Ebony and Tigger away (which ain't happening!)

TheFitFatty
09-18-16, 06:21 AM
It's sometimes me starting to chat with them, other times they send an automated greeting thing that the sites have on them. idk what I'm doing "wrong".

Maybe they expect me to give Ebony and Tigger away (which ain't happening!)

I doubt you're doing anything wrong. My guess is most of these guys are just "fishing." Sending as many messages as possible to as many women as possible to test their luck. If they aren't responding back it could be for a number of reasons, but in my opinion it's probably because you don't come across as an "easy target" for sex or trolling. I wouldn't let it upset you.

What kind of guys do you initiate chats with (you don't have to answer this, I'm just getting nosy now! :D)? Do you go for looks or interests?

midnightstar
09-18-16, 06:28 AM
I doubt you're doing anything wrong. My guess is most of these guys are just "fishing." Sending as many messages as possible to as many women as possible to test their luck. If they aren't responding back it could be for a number of reasons, but in my opinion it's probably because you don't come across as an "easy target" for sex or trolling. I wouldn't let it upset you.

What kind of guys do you initiate chats with (you don't have to answer this, I'm just getting nosy now! :D)? Do you go for looks or interests?

I go by what they say in their profile, I read their profile first *then* look at their picture, I ain't picky about what they look like, for me it's personality that's important :)

TheFitFatty
09-18-16, 06:34 AM
I go by what they say in their profile, I read their profile first *then* look at their picture, I ain't picky about what they look like, for me it's personality that's important :)


Well then it sounds like you have your priorities straight!

Honestly, I think Online Dating is harder than just going and chatting to someone at a bar. You can only go by a persons profile and what they write about themselves, and from my experience, most of that is bull! Especially for men only interested in having fun.

I'm sure you're fine, just keep at it. :yes:

TheFitFatty
09-18-16, 06:37 AM
Just thinking about it, back in the day I would have gone for a guy whose profile said "interested in fitness, sport, travel, adventure" or something along those lines, not realizing that that usually translates into stereotypical douchebag, or simply "not interested in a real relationship."

I should have been looking for "Likes to play video games till 3 am, watch all the latest movies and eat popcorn on the couch, and prefer Marvel to DC."

midnightstar
09-18-16, 07:33 AM
meh if it happens it happens and if it don't then I've always got my girls <3 :)

And my girls don't care what I look like or what I'm wearing :)

Lloyd_
10-08-16, 06:11 AM
Last contact I had with him was to tell him to go direct to hell, don't pass go or collect £200 monopoly money.

Had to block him on facebook, he'd be all "please give me another chance" then if I let him have one final chance he'd mess about. Another man I was going to meet would do similar, in his case he did the ultimatum thing "meet up with me or sod off" and the day he insisted upon there's no transport from where I live cause the buses are utter crap and I can't drive.

Sounds like this guy has you in a codependent relationship with him, hope you can see that he really wants you to be his mother and not his lover if you know what I mean?

But then again it seems nowadays lotta men have mommy issues and want a woman to coddle them and what makes it even worse is that it seems women enable this type of behavior.

Lloyd_
10-08-16, 06:14 AM
meh if it happens it happens and if it don't then I've always got my girls <3 :)

And my girls don't care what I look like or what I'm wearing :)

Remember though a lot of men still appreciate when women take the time to look nice before they go out in public. ;)

That's another thing I've noticed too about both men and women these days, nobody takes the time to dress nice or groom themselves before going out in public. We're regressing as a whole.

midnightstar
10-08-16, 01:39 PM
Sounds like this guy has you in a codependent relationship with him, hope you can see that he really wants you to be his mother and not his lover if you know what I mean?

But then again it seems nowadays lotta men have mommy issues and want a woman to coddle them and what makes it even worse is that it seems women enable this type of behavior.

So telling him to sod off is enabling him? I'm confused :scratch:

Remember though a lot of men still appreciate when women take the time to look nice before they go out in public. ;)

That's another thing I've noticed too about both men and women these days, nobody takes the time to dress nice or groom themselves before going out in public. We're regressing as a whole.

Personally, I don't care about wearing the latest fashion, I wear what's comfortable ;)

The fact that the only clothes of mine that are not covered in cat hair from my girls is my work uniform don't bother me, personally I don't have the time to go through all my clothes and use a lint roller to remove every trace of cat hair so if men can't deal with cat hair I consider it to be their problem, not mine :)

midnightstar
10-08-16, 02:19 PM
I mean, I do brush excess cat hair off my clothes like when Tigger's been having a cuddle on my lap but I don't get rid of literally every single strand of cat hair from what I'm wearing (and Tigger's the one who sheds the most) Ebony don't like laps so the only place I get cat hair on my clothes from Ebony is my jeans when she rubs round to say hello <3

mctavish23
10-08-16, 03:01 PM
midnight,

Um, err, most of the time, we're like gross, stupid & immature :D

However, if it helps any, we're also totally clueless about ya'll too :eek:


U R Welcome :cool:

Rebelyell
10-09-16, 09:15 PM
Because they simply aren't men their little boys in men's bodies.you deserve better midnight alot of us do in life in general.

mozetows
10-23-16, 12:13 AM
Men are easy to understand. Feed them, **** them and fluff them with hype and demand your needs get met or discontinue these 3 things. Complaining is a drag, make him earn it too.

aeon
10-23-16, 01:28 AM
Men are easy to understand. Feed them, **** them and fluff them with hype and demand your needs get met or discontinue these 3 things. Complaining is a drag, make him earn it too.

Reductionist nonsense. :doh:


Cheers,
Ian

coolbanana
05-02-17, 04:36 PM
if its only men you dont understand then youre lucky .

I dont understand anyone :giggle: