View Full Version : So much anger and hurt...


Wuvmy3kitties
09-12-16, 01:15 PM
I was just wondering how many of you struggle with anger, hurt and also the fear of either angry people, or anger from others.

Because I have both ADHD and AvPD, I have big time anger issues. I find myself constantly having to suppress my anger and hurt for different reasons (ex. "it's the right thing to do," "it's respectable," etc.) I have times when I become so frustrated, angry and hurt that I want to be able to release it, and can't.

This is especially true when I have to deal with the public. I take public transportation everywhere, and that in itself can lead to a slew of problems.
It's funny, I can get really angry and I don't mind, but yet I become super-fearful when someone becomes angry (as in really angry) with me. It makes me cry and break down. A lot of it is due to emotional abuse from my parents and bullying from kids as a child. In fact, I still get bullied and teased by kids on the bus (and even some adults).

Can anyone relate, and how do you deal with all that anger?

Lunacie
09-12-16, 02:01 PM
Both being angry myself and being around someone else who is angry make me very anxious.

I've been taking an SSRI (sertraline) for several years now and it makes a big difference for me.

It takes a lot more to make me angry now, and I'm not so anxious about being where I might meet angry people.

TotalChaos
09-12-16, 05:27 PM
every day i deal with this... you are not alone

sarahsweets
09-12-16, 05:47 PM
The second dx you mentioned...what is that? Can you explain it to me? Are you on medication?

aeon
09-12-16, 08:07 PM
The second dx you mentioned...what is that? Can you explain it to me?

AvPD = Avoidant Personality Disorder (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder)

Cheers,
Ian

Wuvmy3kitties
09-13-16, 08:42 AM
Thank you all for your replies! :) Nice to see others in the same predicament.

Sarahsweets, as Aeon mentioned, my other (unconfirmed) diagnosis is Avoidant Personality Disorder. I don't think very many counselors or doctors know about it, as I have been to counselors for my childhood issues, and the closest dx they could give was borderline paranoid schizophrenic. In the link Aeon provided, paranoia is part of the disorder for some.

I developed AvPD partly due to my ADHD, my poor coordination, speech problems, and nervousness. I was very clumsy growing up (still am somewhat) and had to work twice as hard to do "normal" tasks. This led to my being teased mercilessly at school, and then going home and getting verbal and emotional "beatings" from my parents. My mom was especially manipulative, equating love with obedience....i.e. if you don't do what I say perfectly and to the letter, you don't love me. I remember one time where I gave her either a Mother's Day or birthday card, but my behavior wasn't that good, and she proceeded to tear the card up in front of me. Just one of my memories. I've forgiven her and those who hurt me, but the scars remain.
Trying to find a counselor or shrink who will dx me for AvPD.

sarahsweets
09-13-16, 10:03 AM
This led to my being teased mercilessly at school, and then going home and getting verbal and emotional "beatings" from my parents. My mom was especially manipulative, equating love with obedience....i.e. if you don't do what I say perfectly and to the letter, you don't love me. I remember one time where I gave her either a Mother's Day or birthday card, but my behavior wasn't that good, and she proceeded to tear the card up in front of me. Just one of my memories. I've forgiven her and those who hurt me, but the scars remain.
Trying to find a counselor or shrink who will dx me for AvPD.

Im so sorry to hear that. My heart aches for you. Children get their identities and how to look at themselves based on how their parents look at them, whether or not they express love, what kind of love etc. Are you sure the AVPD is correct? I ask because you grew up in a traumatic household, even if you dont believe so. The card ripping was traumatic. You probably worked hard and wanted to make your mom proud, and maybe not had funds of your own...and she destroyed it and you.
Just wondering if some kind of intensive treatment in patient or outpatient would help you.
If you did get the diagnosis you want- what would change in your life?
What treatments are there for it?

aeon
09-13-16, 01:02 PM
Children get their identities and how to look at themselves based on how their parents look at them, whether or not they express love, what kind of love etc.

Yes, and some grow and thrive and build an identity of their own making.

Some are forever bent by their experience as a child, and do the best they can.

And some are broken by that experience and cast out into the world, alone.

All three of these are blessÚd, as not all hope is lost to them!

But there are those children for whom all hope is lost, because they will never leave the nest, and never see another birthday. Their blessing, if it can be called that, is but one, and cold comfort. Their pain on this Earth has ended.


Bless the Child,
Ian

amanda24
09-14-16, 02:43 PM
i also see this with my daughter it hurts me due to me not being able to help her and if i try makes her worse

Wuvmy3kitties
09-14-16, 03:54 PM
Well about the card, it was a store bought one, so it wasn't like I made it. Just the fact that she expressed her anger that way was scary enough. She also expressed it in other ways, like pulling me along by the hair (literally), hitting me, and sometimes even teasing me. The hitting wasn't major, just a smack on the arm usually. What hurt me most was how my mom constantly called me a "b**ch", "worthless," etc. and even in my 20s & 30s she said it. She'd occasionally say how I'd never get or keep a job, that it's no wonder I have no friends, etc. My dad would occasionally chime in on her side, but not usually. He tried to defend me but she had no part of it.

I am absolutely certain I have AvPD, diagnosis or not. Peer rejection is one of the main causes of it, and I experienced that on a mass scale. In fact, I had to go to a different school after 7th grade, because I was teased so much that I was going to the principal's office just about every day. I even had to have a special guidance counselor come in and talk with me. At that point I just did not care what I looked like, whether my hair was in place or not....I just wanted to stop going to school and dealing with the nonsense. 7the grade was the worst school year because:
1. Every morning (or thereabout) a thumbtack was on my seat, placed by one of the boys (I know his name).
2. Another boy made "dog tails" out of notebook paper, and would tape it to my butt unbeknownst to me. Sometimes I discovered and sometimes not.
3. Another boy (named Frank) poured ink all over my schoolbooks, and also ripped the cover off one...the school made my parents pay for new ones.
4. A native american boy in my class named Turhan disliked me, and if I turned around to look at him for even a second, he'd say rudely, "TURN AROUND!" I tried to be polite to him and he mocked me.
5. Yet another boy called me "sewage" and "sewer" because either they asked me my middle name (Sue) or found out.
6. We had boys at my bus stop call me "retard" and said it over and over while the other kids ignored me.
7. Anyone who made friends with me was eventually told not to remain my friend, and all of them eventually joined in the teasing.
8. Lastly, I also experienced teasing in the form of spitballs, chewing gum, sawdust, Comet cleanser, and other things thrown in my hair (because I only washed my hair once a week). Like I say, I just DID NOT CARE how I dressed or what I looked like, because I knew I'd be teased regardless.
All of these things and more led to my getting poor grades and the school even said I was retarded, and should go to a school for retarded children.
I ended up going to a parochial school where the kids there weren't much better. The teasing dwindled down, but I still got it.

And of course I got teased in my own neighborhood, but that's another long story. All because of my poor coordination, looks, and so on. ADHD caused me to develop AvPD and I have social anxiety because of it. I try to avoid people as much as I can. I rarely go out with others. On and on.

sarahsweets
09-15-16, 03:07 AM
Well about the card, it was a store bought one, so it wasn't like I made it. Just the fact that she expressed her anger that way was scary enough.
The time you took to select the card is just as valuable as if you made one for her. Dont discount that fact.

She also expressed it in other ways, like pulling me along by the hair (literally), hitting me, and sometimes even teasing me. The hitting wasn't major, just a smack on the arm usually. What hurt me most was how my mom constantly called me a "b**ch", "worthless," etc. and even in my 20s & 30s she said it. She'd occasionally say how I'd never get or keep a job, that it's no wonder I have no friends, etc. My dad would occasionally chime in on her side, but not usually. He tried to defend me but she had no part of it.

Its bad being abused by a parent. Its equally as bad to be abused by a parent while the other one looks away and lets it happen. IMO they are just as guilty.

I am absolutely certain I have AvPD, diagnosis or not. Peer rejection is one of the main causes of it, and I experienced that on a mass scale. In fact, I had to go to a different school after 7th grade, because I was teased so much that I was going to the principal's office just about every day. I even had to have a special guidance counselor come in and talk with me. At that point I just did not care what I looked like, whether my hair was in place or not....I just wanted to stop going to school and dealing with the nonsense. 7the grade was the worst school year because:
1. Every morning (or thereabout) a thumbtack was on my seat, placed by one of the boys (I know his name).
2. Another boy made "dog tails" out of notebook paper, and would tape it to my butt unbeknownst to me. Sometimes I discovered and sometimes not.
3. Another boy (named Frank) poured ink all over my schoolbooks, and also ripped the cover off one...the school made my parents pay for new ones.
4. A native american boy in my class named Turhan disliked me, and if I turned around to look at him for even a second, he'd say rudely, "TURN AROUND!" I tried to be polite to him and he mocked me.
5. Yet another boy called me "sewage" and "sewer" because either they asked me my middle name (Sue) or found out.
6. We had boys at my bus stop call me "retard" and said it over and over while the other kids ignored me.
7. Anyone who made friends with me was eventually told not to remain my friend, and all of them eventually joined in the teasing.
8. Lastly, I also experienced teasing in the form of spitballs, chewing gum, sawdust, Comet cleanser, and other things thrown in my hair (because I only washed my hair once a week). Like I say, I just DID NOT CARE how I dressed or what I looked like, because I knew I'd be teased regardless.
All of these things and more led to my getting poor grades and the school even said I was retarded, and should go to a school for retarded children.
I ended up going to a parochial school where the kids there weren't much better. The teasing dwindled down, but I still got it.

I am so sorry for this. You were bullied and sexually harrassed by your peers.

And of course I got teased in my own neighborhood, but that's another long story. All because of my poor coordination, looks, and so on. ADHD caused me to develop AvPD and I have social anxiety because of it. I try to avoid people as much as I can. I rarely go out with others. On and on.
I am not saying you dont have avpd but I am wondering if some of the issues you have could actually be related to the constant abuse you endured as a kid. Have you ever tried therapy? I went to a women's trauma program outpatient that was very valuable.

Wuvmy3kitties
09-16-16, 08:38 AM
No, I really do not want to go to a therapy group. Anything where I'd have to deal with other sufferers in real life is scary for an AvPDer like myself.

I do belong to online forums like this one.

hollyhock
10-24-16, 07:14 PM
Found this forum today looking for other ladies dealing with ADD.

I relate w/this post quite a bit. I was also bullied badly in school.

And I may tend toward AvPD.

I hate to whine and be all poor poor me, but I did experience abuse as a kid and had such stress that a psych at the time pretty much told me that most people that have that much crap kill themselves fast, or slow.

My spouse doesn't understand. He is very frustrated by my ADD and I'm very hurt by his harsh criticism.

We have been together 15 years. We are talking divorce.

What does that have to do with this topic?

One of the things stressing me out about it is that I don't know that I can put myself out there again and risk being hurt, but I also don't really want to be alone.

sarahsweets
10-25-16, 04:49 AM
I hate to whine and be all poor poor me, but I did experience abuse as a kid and had such stress that a psych at the time pretty much told me that most people that have that much crap kill themselves fast, or slow.
I am so sorry. Its horrible. By sharing this with your spouse you are not playing the 'poor me' game- you are stating facts that have shaped you.

My spouse doesn't understand. He is very frustrated by my ADD and I'm very hurt by his harsh criticism.


We have been together 15 years. We are talking divorce.

This is hard. I dont feel its fair for your spouse to be unwilling to bend and understand you. As horrible as it is, maybe divorce id the way to go. You cant make someone offer you compassion, its supposed to come naturally.


What does that have to do with this topic?

One of the things stressing me out about it is that I don't know that I can put myself out there again and risk being hurt, but I also don't really want to be alone.

Dont think so much now. You arent even divorced yet so you do not need to worry about dating or meeting someone else. Just learn to live and stay within your own skin.

Joker_Girl
10-25-16, 07:23 AM
I am so very sorry out went through this.
The stuff your mother did is nasty emotional/psych abuse.
It is no wonder that it caused you issues.
It is no wonder you became anxious and withdrawn, which of course then other kids picked up on, and started picking at you.

I am so sorry. I want to believe adults don't purposely set out to emotionally harm a child, they just don't know how to relate to kids and are crappy parents. Unfortunately, sometimes, I think they do know, but get off on it.

aeon
10-25-16, 01:32 PM
I think they do know, but get off on it.

Yes, some of them do...seen it myself...the eyes...it reveals the state within...the excitement. :faint:


Nowhere to run and hide,
Ian

Wuvmy3kitties
10-31-16, 11:05 AM
Yes, some of them do...seen it myself...the eyes...it reveals the state within...the excitement. :faint:

Absolutely agree. I really do believe my mom (kinda?) enjoyed being mean to me and my dad. My dad had undx'ed ADHD...he had all the symptoms and came from an abusive home. He didn't know how to treat my mom like a lady (or so mom says), because his own mom treated him like dirt, even kicking him out of the house at age 16. Then to marry a woman who IMO was (and may still be) mildly sadistic at times, very quick to anger, manipulative, and abusive verbally and emotionally....he did not deserve that. I tried to encourage him whenever I could, because I felt for him. Once I found out his childhood, I could relate with him. My poor dad never had any self-esteem, he always saw himself as no good, worthless, etc. and then my mom's treatment toward him didn't help any. The only reason my parents stayed together was for the sake of us kids.

I actually have a secretly recorded conversation of her and I while she was driving me somewhere, and when I told her I was sorry she was like "I know you...you're not sorry..." and when I tried to tell her she needed to calm down, she laughed and laughed, saying "that's funny, that is so funny."

Nowadays, mom says she made a lot of mistakes, and has SOMEWHAT apologized but has never actually said anything like "I should never have treated you like that. I'm sorry that I called you worthless." OTOH, she did recently apologize to me after I accidentally upset her and she called me a F ing b****. She can still be manipulative at times - I've witnessed her trying to manipulate her boyfriend - so it's hard to tell how much she's changed.