View Full Version : Not being attentive enough to my newborn


Fuzzy12
09-22-16, 10:36 AM
Not sure where to post this (it's so shameful that it shouldn't go anywhere in public I guess :umm1:). Anyway, anyone's inputs, advice, opinions, judgments, etc are welcome.

I'm really struggling to pay enough attention to little fuzz especially when breastfeeding her. I should be watching her and talking to her, I guess, to bond with her, keep her stimulated and watch for feeding cues (eg I need to keep rousing her because she falls asleep whe feeding nut I miss the stage at which I can still rouse her before she falls into deep sleep) but I keep drifting off. I'm either on my mobile or if I keep my mobile far away I either fall asleep or start day dreaming.

It's not even that I don't want to or get bored. I just forget somehow. Every tiMw I start my app and then before I know it I'm checking addf.( At night I browse on purpose to keep awake though.)

The best compromise I've found is to read to her from the book I'm just reading. At least she hears my voice but I still miss all the cues.

Also, I need to burp her after every feed but I keep forgetting. My thoughts just wander off. Or I forget to pat/rub her back while trying to burp her and most of the time I don't notice when she's come off my breast. I can never even remember which breast she's supposed to feed on next. I use an app on my mobile for that now but that again is increasing the temptation to go online while nursing. I also worry about the radiation exposure as I read that babies are more vulnerable as their skulls ar thinner. The study was sort of inconclusive but who knows? ??

Everyone seems to rely on mother's instincts. Apparently I'm just supposed to.know what she needs or when something is wrong but I'm really worried I'll miss it. I miss everything. Hubby thankfully is much more clued in to her needs.

The sleep deprivation and constant stress don't help either I guess but I wonder how other people do this. I feel so guilty about this. Today morning I kept.forgetting to change her diaper.

I've just convinced myself as well over the last 9 months that I really don't have adhd as I was doing ok without meds so I'm not sure why I'm finding this so hard now.

Sigh. ..any advice???

midnightstar
09-22-16, 11:32 AM
Don't beat yourself up, Fuzzy :grouphug: You are doing your absolute best for Fuzzling :grouphug: Could your OH help out more with Fuzzling so you can rest more? :grouphug:

Fuzzy12
09-22-16, 11:39 AM
Don't beat yourself up, Fuzzy :grouphug: You are doing your absolute best for Fuzzling :grouphug: Could your OH help out more with Fuzzling so you can rest more? :grouphug:

He does everything he can as do.my parents but st the moment she just wants to feed non stop... :lol:

Hubs is quite keen for me to express milk so he can take 9ber dome feeding session but I'm hesitant. Not sure why. Maybe I'm
Worried that feeding is the only thing she re
ally needs me for so I don't want to share
That

stef
09-22-16, 11:42 AM
Hi, I'll try and reply here when I get home from work tonight.
You are doing a WONDERFUL job. I did this in 1990, so no apps :)
"Apparently I'm just supposed to know what she needs or when something is wrong": :lol: that is totally not true. for any parent, ever.

sarahsweets
09-22-16, 11:57 AM
Fuzzy- This is just my opinion- go to formula and get back on meds. Seriously. Its not the end of the world. I know breast is best, and that there are many moms who will act like formula is poison for your baby-but mental health combined with any kind of baby blues trumps it all. I had a doc tell me when I had my Ella to stop taking meds. So I stopped all meds for bipolar. Talk about problems! I had her in August and was breastfeeding and had such a tough time I ended up inpatient for 4 days. They got me back on meds and I was so much more able to be the mom I knew I was on the inside.
Your baby is so tuned into you on a deep level. You may think not much matters but it all matters. Its better to have a healthy baby who has the right kind of attachments and feels love than to have a baby who's mom is down and detached just because she wants to breast feed.

Fuzzy12
09-22-16, 12:34 PM
Hi, I'll try and reply here when I get home from work tonight.
You are doing a WONDERFUL job. I did this in 1990, so no apps :)
"Apparently I'm just supposed to know what she needs or when something is wrong": :lol: that is totally not true. for any parent, ever.

Sigh...thanks. I'm not sure though I am
She's fairly healthy in general. Good weight gain, good colour, very alert, etc but she also suffers from wind and I suspect she's on the road to becoming colicky. I think.if I was more attentive while nursing and burping her st least the wing problem might not be so bad.

Fuzzy- This is just my opinion- go to formula and get back on meds. Seriously. Its not the end of the world. I know breast is best, and that there are many moms who will act like formula is poison for your baby-but mental health combined with any kind of baby blues trumps it all. I had a doc tell me when I had my Ella to stop taking meds. So I stopped all meds for bipolar. Talk about problems! I had her in August and was breastfeeding and had such a tough time I ended up inpatient for 4 days. They got me back on meds and I was so much more able to be the mom I knew I was on the inside.
Your baby is so tuned into you on a deep level. You may think not much matters but it all matters. Its better to have a healthy baby who has the right kind of attachments and feels love than to have a baby who's mom is down and detached just because she wants to breast feed.

I don't yhink.I'm depressed 9r even detached. I'm just inattentive and highly distractable. The usual. Also I highly doubt I have adhd so I'm not sure I should go back on meds

I totally agree with you that being attached and responsive to her needs is more important than breast feeding. I'll have to consider it but as I said I'm not sure I should start taking meds again.

Little Missy
09-22-16, 12:51 PM
Fuzzy- This is just my opinion- go to formula and get back on meds. Seriously. Its not the end of the world. I know breast is best, and that there are many moms who will act like formula is poison for your baby-but mental health combined with any kind of baby blues trumps it all. I had a doc tell me when I had my Ella to stop taking meds. So I stopped all meds for bipolar. Talk about problems! I had her in August and was breastfeeding and had such a tough time I ended up inpatient for 4 days. They got me back on meds and I was so much more able to be the mom I knew I was on the inside.
Your baby is so tuned into you on a deep level. You may think not much matters but it all matters. Its better to have a healthy baby who has the right kind of attachments and feels love than to have a baby who's mom is down and detached just because she wants to breast feed.

:goodpost:

It doesn't get much better than this Fuzz. Period.

Corina86
09-22-16, 01:10 PM
I think you worry too much. My sister-in-law, mother of two, said that with babies you always know if something is wrong, because they start screaming louder and louder until you have to want to make it stop by any means possible! Basically, if the kid looks healthy, breaths fine, the doctor says she's healthy and she's not yelling, you're doing a good job. Whether or not you continue breastfeeding or go back on meds it's your choice, but you seem to be doing fine.

Also, congrats on the baby! I haven't been around here for a while and I didn't even know you have one...

Little Missy
09-22-16, 01:11 PM
Not being attentive enough to my newborn. :eek:

Dex for you and formula for her = happy Dragonette and a mum who will be attentive.

Are the same persons that did not discover a breach presentation offering breast milk advice for you? Please don't tell me that they are. Please.

Fuzzy12
09-22-16, 02:19 PM
I think you worry too much. My sister-in-law, mother of two, said that with babies you always know if something is wrong, because they start screaming louder and louder until you have to want to make it stop by any means possible! Basically, if the kid looks healthy, breaths fine, the doctor says she's healthy and she's not yelling, you're doing a good job. Whether or not you continue breastfeeding or go back on meds it's your choice, but you seem to be doing fine.

Also, congrats on the baby! I haven't been around here for a while and I didn't even know you have one...

Me and worrying too much?? Never!! ;)

It's just this huge responsibility. I mean I chose to bring this tiny little innocent being into this world. I owe it to her to do my absolute best, I think, and I'm not even.close to that. I mean maybe I'm close to MY best but that's not very good. I tried really hard paying her more attention during the last feed and she did seem to feed better.

Lunacie
09-22-16, 03:30 PM
The way we used to remember which breast to offer first was to put a small safety pin on that side of the bra. When you switch breasts you switch the safety pin to the other side. When you're not getting enough sleep I don't see how any mom could remember something like that.


Failing to burp baby properly does not cause colic. My daughter and her youngest daughter (my grandbaby) both had colic. But her oldest daughter didn't. I think it's part of temperament, genetic or something. There is nothing more frustrating than a baby who is crying and you can't figure out why. I hope Lil Fuzz doesn't get it.


How old is Lil Fuzz? Not even a month right? And you're supposed to be perfect (the best you can be) immediately? Cut yourself some slack. You haven't had enough practice yet. It will get better. You're learning how to be a mom and she's learning how to be a person. As long as you both keep practicing you will get better. I promise.

Oh, and as she gets older, she'll be practicing new things and so will you. You don't have to be perfect. It's too hard and it's not worth it. And if you manage, then someday your daughter will feel like a failure if she's not as perfect as you were. Why would you do THAT to her?

Fuzzy12
09-22-16, 03:42 PM
Not being attentive enough to my newborn. :eek:

Dex for you and formula for her = happy Dragonette and a mum who will be attentive.

Are the same persons that did not discover a breach presentation offering breast milk advice for you? Please don't tell me that they are. Please.

She wasn't breech. She was head down but back to back or back to front (keep forgetting which way round is the wrong one).

Lol..anyway no the midwives who delivered her are different to the ones I meet now..

Cyllya
09-22-16, 03:53 PM
Have you heard of the continuum concept? I don't have much time to write right now, so I'm just gonna put forth this article (http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/whosInControl.html). (This should be seen as a clarification of "attachment parenting," not an opposing idea.)

Lunacie
09-22-16, 04:06 PM
She wasn't breech. She was head down but back to back or back to front (keep forgetting which way round is the wrong one).

Lol..anyway no the midwives who delivered her are different to the ones I meet now..

I think that's what happened with my daughter, but no one realized it. It made it very tricky to find her heartbeat during labour.

The doctors and nurses and midwives have learned a lot in the last 40 years, you wouldn't think that would still happen. When they know baby is facing the wrong way (up or down) they try to turn baby before delivery.

Fuzzy12
09-22-16, 04:25 PM
Yes they really struggled finding her heartbeat. They had to check it every 15min or so and each time it took them about 10 min. .:lol:

I don't know why they can't just scan you when you go into labour. Then they could have induced me right away rather than waiting for nearly 2 days. I'm definitely not doing that again.. :lol:

Fuzzy12
09-22-16, 04:27 PM
The way we used to remember which breast to offer first was to put a small safety pin on that side of the bra. When you switch breasts you switch the safety pin to the other side. When you're not getting enough sleep I don't see how any mom could remember something like that.


Failing to burp baby properly does not cause colic. My daughter and her youngest daughter (my grandbaby) both had colic. But her oldest daughter didn't. I think it's part of temperament, genetic or something. There is nothing more frustrating than a baby who is crying and you can't figure out why. I hope Lil Fuzz doesn't get it.


How old is Lil Fuzz? Not even a month right? And you're supposed to be perfect (the best you can be) immediately? Cut yourself some slack. You haven't had enough practice yet. It will get better. You're learning how to be a mom and she's learning how to be a person. As long as you both keep practicing you will get better. I promise.

Oh, and as she gets older, she'll be practicing new things and so will you. You don't have to be perfect. It's too hard and it's not worth it. And if you manage, then someday your daughter will feel like a failure if she's not as perfect as you were. Why would you do THAT to her?

Yes thanks but I'm not a perfectionist. I think..I just don't want to.screw her up by being completely crappy.

I think if I don't nip the in attentiveness and distractibilty in the bud it will just get worse. Not better.

Fuzzy12
09-22-16, 04:27 PM
Have you heard of the continuum concept? I don't have much time to write right now, so I'm just gonna put forth this article (http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/whosInControl.html). (This should be seen as a clarification of "attachment parenting," not an opposing idea.)

Never heard of it. Will have a look at that link. Thanks.

midnightstar
09-22-16, 04:28 PM
Yes thanks but I'm not a perfectionist. I think..I just don't want to.screw her up by being completely crappy.

I think if I don't nip the in attentiveness and distractibilty in the bud it will just get worse. Not better.

You're not crappy :grouphug:

Lunacie
09-22-16, 04:51 PM
You're not crappy :grouphug:

Fuzzy said "completely crappy." And she's not completely crappy. ;) We all have our problems and our bad days, eh?

And like some have said, it may not get much better until she can get back on meds again. And that's not her fault either.

salleh
09-22-16, 05:20 PM
Fuzzy ..my Mom was in labor with me for 3 days, as I got old enough ( oh say 30 or so) to realize what that meant, I was surprised she even spoke to me !..I was transverse. ( butt first ) with the baby's skull pressing down, you never go into transition, so you don't dilate to where you need to get to have that baby ...major owies ( my dad was an Ob-Gyn ! but still in medical school when I was born)

...I didn't know you had a baby this is delightful news ....and yeah for you ! and her ....

This is the biggest adventure in the world you've undertaken .....and the first months are the scariest .....if you haven't already, and frankly I'd be flabbergasted if you haven't, go and get yourself a couple of good books on the subject of new babies and motherhood....h*** get a half dozen .....you're a scholar...you know research is always a good idea ...and a few books will give you a broader outlook on what to expect as little Fuzzy grows .....

...If she's a month or so old now, those first harrowing weeks are past ....you haven't broken her ...she's doing fine .....now, you can start to relax and enjoy her a little ....I was amazed at how well even young babies can communicate their needs .....

..The thing about formula is .....almost all of my generation was raised on formula ...it was the modern thing to do ....and we grew up a pretty healthy group ....and she has a good several weeks on breast milk to give her a strong start on immunities from the mom thing .....don't let anyone guilt trip you into staying with breast feeding if you know you can be more yourself taking the meds you are used to ....

...As a matter of fact, don't let anyone guilt trip you into anything you do when you know it's the right thing for you and lil Fuzzy ......you are the only person walking in your shoes.....outsiders cannot possibly know what is best for you ....you're a smart person, trust yourself to do the right thing .....consider all the angles and then follow the path that is right for you .....hey and no one is nailing your feet to that decision ....you can always change your mind .....I know you to be a very caring and consientious person ....you don't barrel off thinking ....damn the torpedos full speed ahead ....you check out every possibility before you decide anything ....

...KInda repeating myself there....but it's an important thing for you to remember ....


....Just remember this ....this beginning time of your lives, ( all 3 of you) together, it is a rare and precious time .....life will never bee the same from here on out ....treasure the moments that will never come again, even if you have more children, your first is your first .....take lots of photos .....write stuff down as her personality starts to assert itself ....things that you think you'll never forget ....you probably will, especially 30, 40 years down the line .....having written down the little things that mark the beginning of her life, when you re-read them years from now, memories will come flooding back ....ones that might have been lost in the mist of time.....


......You can do this girl ....

Fuzzy12
09-24-16, 11:30 PM
Have you heard of the continuum concept? I don't have much time to write right now, so I'm just gonna put forth this article (http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/whosInControl.html). (This should be seen as a clarification of "attachment parenting," not an opposing idea.)

Interesting article and I think it makes a lot of good points. If I underatand correctly it advises to include your baby in your daily activities rather than centering all your attention km the baby. I can see this working well if your activities are fairly active or social so there is something for the baby to observe and learn from.

However if I'm just browsing on my mobile I doubt bit will work as there is nothing really got the baby to.observe or be a natural part of.

We've ordered a sling though so hopefully I can soon resume some activities by just carrying her around with me. .

20thcenturyfox
10-13-16, 02:29 AM
Yes thanks but I'm not a perfectionist. I think..I just don't want to.screw her up by being completely crappy.

I think if I don't nip the in attentiveness and distractibilty in the bud it will just get worse. Not better.

Whoa, think about what you are saying here...while obviously true, what does this possibly have to do with the teeny, tiny momentary inattention you are describing? How reckless and irresponsible would another mother's actions have to be before you would come up with the same harsh comments about her?

I think you are right to want to be attentive, maybe even to monitor yourself in this regard, as we would say in talking about executive function. I would even say that the fact you are noticing your occasional inattention, and thinking about how to reduce it, thinking about what you want to be available to notice, shows insight as well as caring.

But here is the danger that you might be courting by "overfocussing," and building a mountain out of a molehill. Somewhere there is a line between realistically monitoring our behaviour to see that it aligns with our goals (and making small adjustments as needed before going back to focus on the present moment), and obsessively noticing some yawning gap between Some Unsatisfactory Present State of Affairs and Some Really Undefined Ideal State of Affairs and starting to dwell self-critically on the gap between them.

If you cross that line you will no longer be focussing on your daughter, or on picking up the small signals she is sending, let alone on the positive signals you want to send out to her about acceptance, approval, and contentment. Instead you risk setting yourself up to focus negatively on a presumed gap, and on your fear and discontent that such a gap exists.

You can see how this could take you in the opposite direction of what you really want to achieve, takes your attention away from your daughter, and undermines your confidence in yourself and your willingness to just "be" with your daughter...as she is, and as you are.

I've never heard of a mindfulness breastfeeding meditation, but I can easily imagine using the same principles of stepping back and noticing that your mind is wandering, and ever so gently--and without any self-criticism-- repeatedly bringing your attention back to the present moment, whether to your own breathing, to your daughter's, or to the sensations of the moment.

Do not let these worries you have deprive you of enjoying and fully experiencing what you already have with your daughter. Sleep-deprived as you may be, and whatever you may ultimately have to do for your own health, I hope you can at least have these few minutes each day to revel in the deliciousness of breastfeeding while you can. Pick a time other than breastfeeding to beat yourself up about your inattentiveness and distractibility!

Lunacie
10-13-16, 11:54 AM
:goodpost: Thank you for that insightful post 20thcenturyfox. :)