View Full Version : New-need help


sweetmary
09-23-16, 12:37 PM
I met my undiagnosed ADHD partner 2 months ago. She was so sweet and loving and still is many times. She has a good soul and is a good person, I feel in deep in my heart. I just don't know if I have the strength to handle a relationship like this.

Her life is a wreck. Her home is filthy dirty, yard is filled with projects that have rotted and rusted, broken down cars, lawnmowers everywhere. She has a business, but her finances are a wreck. She is always broke. Every week. Almost foreclosed on home, but saved it last minute. Hasn't paid business taxes to IRS in 6 years. Always late and rarely fulfills small promises. Something always happens that prevents things from going right. If it is something she wants to do or is excited to do, she will make it happen. Talks about doing things that never get accomplished. Distracted most of the time.Forgets what I am telling her. Has slept with many many people. Says she has not slept with anyone for 5 years. Part of me believes it. Talks about her sexual indiscretions frequently. I asked her to quit talking about her past. Flirts without even realizing it and says inappropriate things.

Recently, she started snapping, getting angry, and taking out her frustration on me. It is very hurtful. She never takes responsibility for anything nor does she realize any of her behavior. She has no aware. I can be slightly jealous, but with her it is really exacerbated now. She overreacts about the slightest perceived slight....like falling asleep on the couch means that I don't love or care about her. I also overreact at times so it's not easy. I have a lot of pride so when I am disrespected I shut down. When I'm not frustrated myself with her behavior, I deal with it very well and tell her I don't want to discuss it now when we are both upset. She doesn't let it go, she keeps going and going, and then i eventually snap

When I want to discuss anything about our relationship and the emotions, she changes the subject or gets frustrated. She wants to ignore it. It just can't be ignored or minimized.

I just don't know what to do. I care about her and believe that she is a good person and has potential to be an amazing partner. but right now she is not. I feel like our life is wrapped around her problems and held back by her problems. I don't want to get to the point where I am resentful. I'm getting there. And I need to know there is an end in sight to the chaos.

I need help. What should I do? Should I stay and try to work it out or run?

I mentioned that she might have adhd and she doesn't want to talk about it.

ToneTone
09-23-16, 09:27 PM
Dude,

I've been there in a different context. You write, "I believe she is a good person" ... well, being a good person has almost no correlation with whether or not you should date the person and very little correlation with whether you should marry the person. There are a billion randomly "good" people in the world. Doesn't mean you would be smart to date them.

You also write that she "has the potential to be an amazing partner." Uh ... based on what evidence are you making that claim? Or let me say it like this, technically everyone has the ability to be an amazing partner ... if they change and work on themselves ... Don't take this as an insult ...because I had to learn this as well ... But I remember one day reading an interview with a woman who used to date guys who basically lived on the street ... until she learned better. She said her transforming moment came when she realized that if she saw that she needed to view the people she dated AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW. Not as she fantasized they could be through some magical transformation.

Whether or not she has ADHD is not really relevant in my mind. What's relevant is that you are unhappy with her, that her life seems like a mess ... and you don't think she listens to you ... and everything is chaotic ... So what's the "potential" you're talking about? ... Now you can stay with her, but it doesn't seem you're going to be very happy.

I'm sure this person has a lovely heart and you have some wonderful moments with her despite the chaos. But again "having a lovely heart" is not a key criteria for dating someone. There are lots of people who have lovely hearts who would make us thoroughly miserable if we dated them. My ex had a lovely heart sometimes! ... and she drove me to the brink of a breakdown ... That's the way I used to see things. Now I would say I allowed her to drive me to the brink of madness because I didn't know I could say no and I had a misunderstanding of what was required in a relationship. She had no gun to my head. I chose to be with her.

You want to date someone to adds to your life, who inspires you, loves you, encourages you, helps you feel relaxed and more whole, who makes you laugh, whose life effort you admire and are inspired by ... someone who has friends you like and who has great honesty and integrity. Someone who has the skill and courage to look after you if you turn ill ... And we all have flaws, but you want to date someone who strengths clearly outweigh their flaws in your view.

Anyway, dude, of course the answer is you need to run ... But that can be hard because you probably have some kind of attachment to her. That's why I say it's OK to acknowledge that she's a good person, that she has some great qualities ...

There are plenty of people with ADHD who make wonderful partners and who are worth dating. I'm not quite seeing that from what you describe here.

Good luck.

Tone

sarahsweets
09-24-16, 06:38 AM
Has slept with many many people. Says she has not slept with anyone for 5 years. Part of me believes it. Talks about her sexual indiscretions frequently. I asked her to quit talking about her past. Flirts without even realizing it and says inappropriate things.

I get it that you dont want her talking about her previous sex life or flirting with people. Just be careful not to judge her on how many people she slept with in the past, we all have our demons, and that one specific piece doesnt deserve judgement. Now, you are totally in the right for getting upset by her saying inappropriate things while flirting, but just be mindful that her past sex life should be in the past.

Recently, she started snapping, getting angry, and taking out her frustration on me. It is very hurtful. She never takes responsibility for anything nor does she realize any of her behavior. She has no aware. I can be slightly jealous, but with her it is really exacerbated now.
Jealousy is a dangerous emotion. It can drive people mad. Its never a good thing. Even though she is adding fuel to your jealousy, it is you who has control over feeling it. I would never stay with someone if I was constantly worrying about them and feeling jealous.


She overreacts about the slightest perceived slight....like falling asleep on the couch means that I don't love or care about her. I also overreact at times so it's not easy. I have a lot of pride so when I am disrespected I shut down. When I'm not frustrated myself with her behavior, I deal with it very well and tell her I don't want to discuss it now when we are both upset. She doesn't let it go, she keeps going and going, and then i eventually snap
This sounds very co-dependent. The intensity of her need to be the center of your attention, of feeling unloved for the little things leads me to believe that she has other psychological issues at play.


When I want to discuss anything about our relationship and the emotions, she changes the subject or gets frustrated. She wants to ignore it. It just can't be ignored or minimized.
Deflection and projection are very harmful in any relationship. You will end up staying angry and upset because she is unwilling to work on herself or the relationship.

I just don't know what to do. I care about her and believe that she is a good person and has potential to be an amazing partner. but right now she is not. I feel like our life is wrapped around her problems and held back by her problems. I don't want to get to the point where I am resentful. I'm getting there. And I need to know there is an end in sight to the chaos.
I am not saying this is how she is but...has she ever talked about narcissism?
Or any other psychological issues?

I need help. What should I do? Should I stay and try to work it out or run?
I mentioned that she might have adhd and she doesn't want to talk about it.
I think you already know what to do. Re-read what you posted.There is like one or two good things you mentioned and the rest are all the negatives that you are bothered by. Not to mention its been two months and already you are getting a taste of how difficult life could be with her in the long term. Cut your losses and protect your heart and mental health. I think its time to let it go.

Pilgrim
09-29-16, 12:39 PM
The one thing I would find hard to get past is talking out things, you don't have to be good at it but you have to do it.

I also agree with Sarah, your over reading a bit of what's occurring. Flirting , number of partners. Just my take.

Also I can handle messy, cause I am, dirty (no).

I really believe if you get that feeling and you can run with it give it a shot. Also handy if you can pay your bills.

Just my 2 cents.

InvitroCanibal
10-05-16, 04:07 AM
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/invalidation

Invalidation (http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/invalidation)

Definition:
Invalidation - The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.


You have to just take a second and consider if you are allowed to feel what you feel without her judging you and if she is allowed to feel what she feels without you judging her.

When you accept what the other feels, then *poof* those feelings exist and you can start to talk about your relationship. But you can't have a conversation about your feelings and relationship as a whole until you know what those feelings are.

That requires that you validate eachothers emotions. It's a difficult thing. You may see a problem but she may not. You have to ask "Does she even see a problem?" "Does she like the way things are? With you? With Her? With Her life?" etc.

Is she happy overall?

You need to have open communication but first you have to build trust, that you can share your feelings without being disregarded/invalidated.

If this is too overwhelming to handle by yourself (understandably so) then I'd suggest talking to a counselor about these issues.

hope that helps?

sweetmary
10-05-16, 10:47 PM
Yes. You are right about all of the above. I have to do something about it. That's the difficult part.

sweetmary
10-05-16, 10:52 PM
Dude,

I've been there in a different context. You write, "I believe she is a good person" ... well, being a good person has almost no correlation with whether or not you should date the person and very little correlation with whether you should marry the person. There are a billion randomly "good" people in the world. Doesn't mean you would be smart to date them.

You also write that she "has the potential to be an amazing partner." Uh ... based on what evidence are you making that claim? Or let me say it like this, technically everyone has the ability to be an amazing partner ... if they change and work on themselves ... Don't take this as an insult ...because I had to learn this as well ... But I remember one day reading an interview with a woman who used to date guys who basically lived on the street ... until she learned better. She said her transforming moment came when she realized that if she saw that she needed to view the people she dated AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW. Not as she fantasized they could be through some magical transformation.

Whether or not she has ADHD is not really relevant in my mind. What's relevant is that you are unhappy with her, that her life seems like a mess ... and you don't think she listens to you ... and everything is chaotic ... So what's the "potential" you're talking about? ... Now you can stay with her, but it doesn't seem you're going to be very happy.

I'm sure this person has a lovely heart and you have some wonderful moments with her despite the chaos. But again "having a lovely heart" is not a key criteria for dating someone. There are lots of people who have lovely hearts who would make us thoroughly miserable if we dated them. My ex had a lovely heart sometimes! ... and she drove me to the brink of a breakdown ... That's the way I used to see things. Now I would say I allowed her to drive me to the brink of madness because I didn't know I could say no and I had a misunderstanding of what was required in a relationship. She had no gun to my head. I chose to be with her.

You want to date someone to adds to your life, who inspires you, loves you, encourages you, helps you feel relaxed and more whole, who makes you laugh, whose life effort you admire and are inspired by ... someone who has friends you like and who has great honesty and integrity. Someone who has the skill and courage to look after you if you turn ill ... And we all have flaws, but you want to date someone who strengths clearly outweigh their flaws in your view.

Anyway, dude, of course the answer is you need to run ... But that can be hard because you probably have some kind of attachment to her. That's why I say it's OK to acknowledge that she's a good person, that she has some great qualities ...

There are plenty of people with ADHD who make wonderful partners and who are worth dating. I'm not quite seeing that from what you describe here.

Good luck.

Tone


Still getting the hang of this website. Thank you for all your advice. It's solid and makes perfect sense. I have to pull back and make myself and my feelings a priority. I realize that her needs are typically more important. That's going to stop. Like not cleaning the house, but going out drinking. Not paying cable, but buying weed. Man, I need to set my standards higher.

InvitroCanibal
10-06-16, 11:26 PM
Still getting the hang of this website. Thank you for all your advice. It's solid and makes perfect sense. I have to pull back and make myself and my feelings a priority. I realize that her needs are typically more important. That's going to stop. Like not cleaning the house, but going out drinking. Not paying cable, but buying weed. Man, I need to set my standards higher.

Setting your standards higher is the only way to be happy in life. The secret to being happy, as I've found it, is to not make compromises.

What I wonder though, is if she feels like you made a compromise by being with her because she doesn't value herself.

If that is the case then you do need to take steps back.

You also need to not try to rescue her from herself. Trust is critical and if you try to rescue someone, you are saying that you don't trust them to rescue themselves and they feel feeble and incapable because of it.

Because of that they resent their rescuer, they may "rebel."

Also If they never trust themselves then they bounce from relationship to relationship never really working on themselves.

You also need to ask yourself if you are looking for someone to rescue because that is what you see love as or because you don't value yourself?

Again, that may or may not be the situation, but it's something to consider before you take your next step.

aeon
10-07-16, 12:10 AM
poor self-care
disregard for the law
does not live up to her word
projects blame, does not accept responsibility
self-focused and -driven
does not listen
impulse control issues
emotional dysregulation
lack of self-awareness
cognitive distortions
codependency issues
unwillingness to communicate
drug abuse


Should I stay and try to work it out or run?

The fact you cannot answer this question for yourself informs my next two answers.

I need help.

Yes, you do, just like all of us at some point in our lives.

What should I do?

This is just my opinion, so it isn’t worth much, and you can do what you like with it.

End this relationship as soon as possible. Once done, seek out a therapist to help understand why you cannot answer your own question “Should I stay and try to work it out or run?,” as well as to understand what you experienced before this, which then informed your current choice of relationship and partner.

The first part of that can be done very quickly, and for your own well-being, I would recommend it be done quickly.

The second part will take a significantly longer time, but it might give you the insight, tools, and resources necessary to not make such a choice in the future.

Worry only about standards you set for yourself, based on your own well-being, needs, and love for your person, and work to meet those needs. Do that well, and you will have prepared yourself to enjoy a mutually-beneficial, reciprocal, and engaged relationship.


Well-Wishes,
Ian

Tetrahedra
10-14-16, 03:25 PM
I don't know if you're still checking in on this topic, but I just thought I'd reply in case you are:

Run.

You've known her for two months (probably 3 by now). You have successfully provided us with a list of negative traits about her . . . that's a lot to accumulate in just two months. And, most importantly, I think there is something going on that can't be attributed to ADHD.

Many of us ADHD folk reach our limits early and can be a bit snappy. But she's invalidating your feelings, denying talking about important topics which are crucial to your relationship, and is applying bizarre "reasons" for your actions. (You fell asleep, so you don't care about me.) That isn't healthy and she sounds mentally unbalanced well outside of the bounds of normal ADHD.

Honestly, it sounds more like a personality disorder than anything else. Between invalidating your opinions, twisting your actions against you, and flaunting her sexual past in your face, she has a whole lot of traits that you need to be careful about because they could really hurt you.

You need to take care of yourself. Don't think that because you're in a relationship that her needs come first, because it sounds like she isn't going to be able to return the favor to you. She can't get her life together, she isn't taking responsibility for her actions, AND she's causing chaos for you. People who love making chaos for others are dangerous folk.

sweetmary
10-21-16, 07:07 PM
Tetrahedra...
Oh my. You are so right. I'm pretty sure it is borderline personality disorder and add. I am ending this. Yes, the sex is good, but the bad far outweighs any good. It is crazy. There is always an excuse, easily overwhelmed about little things, bills not paid on time, always broke.
The worst thing is she tests me. She tests me so I fail. I have told her, no one could ever do enough for you. The intense mood swings about minor things are debilitating. I walk around saying I'm confused most of the time. Literally, I tell her "I'm confused. I'm not sure what's going on here".
Luckily she lives a few hours away so we see each other only on the weekend.
We have a cruise next week and I have taken that time off. After the cruise, that's it. I hope that I can enjoy myself....

ToneTone
10-21-16, 09:08 PM
Are you sure you don't want to cancel the cruise?

In my experience, I always get deeper into the relationship when I say to myself, "I'll break up after X." ... X comes and the partner always acts better than usual. And I would get sucked into the relationship for much longer.

I think it's good to end things and stop seeing the person when you know you want to end it. Period. No setup, no final outings. Just end it.

Maybe you're different than me ... but I always found it really hard to say, "Oh, I had a great weekend. That was lovely, and I enjoyed being with you. And now I want to break up." I would lose my conviction and end up extending the pain and misery. Worse, my body language (the trip) didn't prepare the person for the breakup .. and really, it didn't prepare ME for the breakup!

YMMV of course.

Good luck.

Tone

Tetrahedra
10-21-16, 09:36 PM
Please be aware that if she is uncontrolled borderline, she's very well may try to manipulate you into staying. Threats of self harm, suicide, etc. are not uncommon. She might try to hold you responsible for something that's not your responsibility. Sometimes it might be something completely illogical that you can spot a mile away, but other times it might be more subtle that makes you feel like you were wrong. Manipulation is very challenging to deal with. Please show her compassion, but don't neglect yourself and your needs. In a relationship like that, you need to think about yourself and not be drawn into whatever she wants you to believe.

sweetmary
10-21-16, 11:19 PM
Yes. She does the manipulation thing already. "I feel awful", "I haven't felt like this since the last time I was depressed", "I can't eat"....
I am totally aware of it and call her out on it. To which she sometimes is ok, other times " I can't believe you think that about me". It's sick really.
What tugs at me, is that I know she was a neglected child that grew up in a very permissive and crazy home. I grew up in a very strict and abusive home. I understand what it is like to be in pain. I had a very difficult time in my 20s. I had a major life shift and change of perspective where I stopped feeling sorry for myself and did the work to change. But, I can emphasize.
Nevertheless, I feel like I am at a different energy level than her. Sounds very hokey, but I believe it.