View Full Version : I Am Afraid I'm Going To Go Off On A Coworker If She Doesn't Shut Up


Joker_Girl
09-27-16, 12:01 AM
OK so generally, I am pretty good at getting along with everyone. I am pretty low key as far as being friendly, doing what I need to do, helping everyone else, and whatnot. In fact, I do alot of extra work usually on account of i can't sit still.

Supposedly, I am considered bright enough as well; despite feeling like a failure at everything, I deep down know that I am not unintelligent. I did well in college in spite of myself. Also, I have several certifications and accomplishments that should mean that I have some knowledge and skills. I have been an RN for twenty years now. I do not think I am bad at my job, and others seem to like working with me. Probably this is partly due to that I will try to do everything if I am allowed.

As a rule, I am somewhat standoffish and will not get into it with people. I do have a dry sense of humor that people apparently enjoy. If someone tries to start something with me, my first instinct is to get away, but if they keep at me long enough, eventually I will fight back, and if I'm cornered, I can get nasty. This has not happened for a long time, though; it's been years and years.

My coworkers SHOULD be able to handle themselves, and for the most part, they do. We kid around, do our stuff, try to do what we need to and do a good job. Usually there are 2 or 3 RNs, either a PA or Nurse practitioner, and/or a doctor. I guess I'm saying that there's not a lot of us at a time, we are generally pretty tight knit, and you would home no one would be stupid. In fact, at night, it really is just us, none of the management or other departments, unless we need lab done or something, x-rays etc.

So a couple months ago this new lady started, she is a PA and probably 10 years older than me. And she has been doing this for about 10 years. And I feel like I have been good to her, like when she was new I was always trying to help her if she had trouble with the computer or whatever, and I felt like she was catching on quickly and doing good. So I thought, good deal, another positive addition!

Well, here about a month ago or so, she has started having a mouth on her, and I don't much like it. Just making weird comments. Like she was talking to this one patient, and telling them she went to college in the neighboring state or something, I think the patient was from there or something. And she says, to me, "where did you go to college?" So I was typing a thing up for the patient to take home, and I kind of offhand said, " such and such university," not even really paying attention, and she cracked some kind of a joke, about how I shouldn't tell anyone that, and basically that such and such university is pretty much a bunch of redneck inbred losers. I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention until she said it, and then she laughed and went on about whatever. I thought, "wtf?" But then wrote it off as a bizarre attempt at humor that I just didn't get.

So since then there have been several things she has said that I thought were weird. Like she told me that, "it's a good thing she's a mathematical genius". Um, okay. She is always saying something and then claiming she said something different. About nothing! Like this one guy I had put an IV in him and was running fluid in and he got cold, so I went and got him a blanket. I went back in and was putting it on him and he was like, "oh thank you." Right then she come in, in the middle of this brief conversation he and I were having, and says, "why are you thanking her, you should be thanking me. She just does what I tell her to do." What???

Is this weird stuff she says like some kind of a joke that I just don't understand, or do I need to wait until she is by herself and confront her?

I mean there is more stuff she has said, I can't even remember all of it. She is always trying to tell me how she is so much smarter than me, and how I am dumb basically. Or she will try to make stuff I am doing like it was her idea. And it doesn't have to be about anything that matters. I don't see her doing it to other people. Or like she thinks I'm too stupid to do anything. One night she kept calling one of the other nurses to tell her to tell me to put something in the computer. The other night she told me these two drugs I was supposed to give IV, "if those aren't compatible, flush the iv in between them." You think?!?! But she was the one who asked me if they're compatible! And some other thing, I mentioned offhand that it was a good idea, and she was like, "do you Think? I'm glad you thought about this. I'm glad it meets your satisfaction. "

So I don't know what any of this is about, but she is relatively discreet about it, so if I say anything I will look stupid probably. This is not a thing I've had with anyone else there at all, and I think she hasn't been there very long to be having all this snarky mouth and attitude out of wherever. Oh, and I'm getting tired of her drinking all my damn tea and Pop if she isn't going to bring any.

I just don't know what this is about at all but it's to where I try to schedule myself when she is off, because she stresses me out.

anonymouslyadd
09-27-16, 12:06 AM
She never should have had a conversation like that with you with a patient around. It would have been rude in the lounge away from patients. She needs to be confronted by herself, even though she doesn't deserve it.

Joker_Girl
09-27-16, 12:14 AM
I think I am going to, but I will do it when I am in a good mood. I do not want to go off on her.

I suspect she will either go off on me, or get all emotional. Either way, it's whatever. It's not like she can do anything to me. At least she can understand that her behavior is inappropriate, rude, and that I'm not going to have her draining me mentally with her mess.

It comes across like she is trying to show me that she is the "alpha female" or something, which is ridiculous because if she is, that's fine, I'm the least alpha person I know. She can be the best, she can be the pretty one, the funny one, the smart one, the best one....whatever she wants. I don't care. If she has to prove to me (and somehow, it's me) that she is better than me, that's fine. You win! I'm not even in the competition! I didn't know there was one going on, even.

You know, I feel like I'm just not good at being a girl. And as I get older, I'm getting worse at it.

Pilgrim
09-27-16, 01:56 AM
Sometimes not buying into the situation is best. Recently I was working with ( and still am ) and this guy was making certain comments. What made it hard was I was learning new stuff. Luckily I wasn't with him that much. The only thing about a confrontation with this guy is that it could cost me my job.

What I didn't tell anybody was that I was starting to get anxious about it. I asked certain people what I should do, and we agreed the harassment wouldn't end.

I ended up going to management and just saying this guys behaviour changes when you guys are gone.

Well, that sort of worked. I got the message across I wasn't going to take his ****. And also he's a bit of a soft cock.

I saw my new doctor and he said, your buying into it to much and normally when one person is singled out there is other tensions in the workplace. I thought this was interesting.

InvitroCanibal
09-27-16, 03:48 AM
It's a power struggle.

She is gaslighting you.

Talking to her rewards her.

Make it all about her.

If she asks about your degree or gives you a hostile question, just answer with "Oh, why do you ask?"

Deflect by treating her like a visiting alien that is telling you about how they see the world.

When she makes a statement like the boss one, you then reflect and summarize it as an observation about her.

"Oh you are the Ambitious type aren't you?"

If she throws you curve balls you just say "Ah, thank you for your opinion." "Interesting idea."

For example,

If she says you are boring or insults you just say

"Ah thank you for your opinion."

I worked in the healthcare industry as a Peer. A lot of people believed that I was unqualified and they tried to gaslight me. I just deflected it back to them, made it about them, because it is about them.

Oddly it seemed to cause them to yell at me, then they quit or got fired shortly thereafter. I usually just listened and if all else failed and I didn't know what to say, I just looked at them and smiled and said

"Thank you for your criticism."

That is all you can do with someone like that. But if you take away their reward then they run out of steam.

Last thing is that if she does boss you around later on, then do not be afraid to smile and say "No, sorry I can't do that right now."

stef
09-27-16, 04:09 AM
There is a strange category of people who are ambitious and jealous; but if it "logically" seems that the other person is "better" at their job they will defer. IE if you had gone to a better ranked school than she did, her mind would work in a way that, ok Jokergirl is a good nurse because she has a diploma from XY Nursing School.

But I'm assuming, you of course have all of the qualifications AND you are also "naturally" and instinctively, good at what you do, and without trying or thinking about it, you have a good rapport with your patients. You're not trying to be competitve or look good for your colleagues or management. The helping others, she will take in her twisted way of seeing things, as you "trying to look better" by doing extra work or just kindly and naturally helping out a busy colleague.

this happened when I was translating, i dont have a diploma and of course i couldnt do anything too technical, etc. but i was just quite good at it and this proofreader guy, was so jealous. Yet he "deferred" to another colleague bc she had a Masters or whatever and got some stellar grade on a thesis.

also here at the firm now, i have the lovliest colleague, super efficient and kind and funny. Of course the partners like her because she doesnt care and is so naturally friendly. we used to share an office we had so much fun. they moved her department upstairs and she said once, I mean astonished, "stef, they're jealous of me!"

I wish i had some advice for you but realize, SHE is the one with a problem.

Joker_Girl
09-27-16, 12:46 PM
She is certainly a strange one.

I don't think her college or mine, that either were necessarily better than the other. They are both just state universities. I don't know that much about PAs, if it takes a bachelor's degree or if it is longer, like you have to go back for it or something. I think one of my PA friends had a bachelor's degree from the state University and went back for a year, so it's either like an extra thing, or she had to go longer because she went back. If you are a nurse practitioner you have to have at least a masters degree, and the primary care physicians we have went to get a bachelor's and then you have to go to med school, which our guys I work with went to the state University Medical school, so like another 3 years plus 1 or so as a resident or something. I'm not sure. I just have a bachelor's degree. Actually I have 2 degrees. But I did not go to any grad school. None of us went anywhere prestigious like Harvard or anything, so we shouldn't have anyone who is "better" or whatever.

Regardless, I SHOULD be able to defer to her, she should know as much as I do if not more. If I contact her with a concern, she should be able to make an order without micromanaging me. She doesn't have to tell me to flush an IV between two incompatible drugs. She needs to understand that I will. She doesn't need to ask me if two drugs are compatible or not. It doesn't matter. I am going to look it up, always, and I'm always going to err on the side of caution. If she tells me she put in an order for a medication such as Valium for a person who may have seizures, she doesn't need to spell out to me, "if he has a seizure, you need to give it to him." Yes, I got that already. You can bet I'm going to be watching him pretty close. You don't need to tell me to keep an eye on him. You don't have to call me in fifteen minutes to see if he had a seizure. You can just go ahead and plan on that if he does, I'm going to manage it with that IV Valium, and I'm going to call you about it.

No one else seems to feel like they need to be all up in my business. I don't do that to people.

I talked to one of my coworkers about it and she suggested I stop with the self depreciation humor when she is around. To be careful not to say, "I can't believe I did that, I'm so stupid" etc when she is around.

She hasn't thrown me under the bus or anything like that at this point, but I don't feel like she has my back, and I feel everyone else does.

I suppose it's possible she actually thinks I'm stupid. But I don't think that's it.

I'm not good at this interpersonal relation thing. I just wish we could work and do what we need to without a bunch of games. I wish whatever issues people have they could either pretend not to have, or we could just get it all out there and then be normal.

I'm terrible at being a female, though.

Pilgrim
09-27-16, 01:40 PM
I know the feeling and I know mentally where it can take you. The place I work there are no Rhode Scholars.
I just wanted to do my work and get out. I think excellent advice above.

One thing I noticed, that I had to change is what you say around people.

I luckily chose the right people at work where I could be myself and do my thing.

To be honest I've been through to many of these little bullying situations in the workplace to not deal with it.

To be bothered by it, I wouldn't . I can understand your frustration, I was prepared to walk but glad I didn't.

Hope this and other comments help.

kilted_scotsman
09-27-16, 02:41 PM
I'd be careful about confronting the person....

What you are describing is a disconnect between the "content" and the "process" in a meeting.... the content is what is said.... the process is the "why now", "why that", "why to me/us/them" of that content.

It's the "why" that is important and the thing that you are unsettled by.

In this situation I've found that hanging back a bit and observing closely.... the unsettled feeling is the cue to really pay attention to the person's interactions, not just with me, but with other people..... because, over time small incidents build into a picture.....

Also.... this behaviour is often an invitation into an interpersonal dynamic.... the person is looking for someone else to "hook" into playing a game that they like to play..... the fact that they are already unsettling you is possibly an indication that subconsciously "know" that you are susceptible to their "hook".

For example they may subconsciously wind someone up in order to get a reaction, then they play the "wronged party" to other people in order to get support and empathy..... and create a us/them.scapegoating dynamic in which the individual can play a leader role.

In this type of dynamic, feeling into what the person is trying to hook you into... and avoid doing that like the plague.... the key is to be sure of what the subconscious "process" is before making a move.

My sense is that you are not yet sure of the process and therefore my advice is to REALLY pay attention to this persons interactions with yourself and others, paying particular attention to the feelings they trigger in you, and use those as a guide.... not as to what to do, but as a guide to what you should be VERY careful before doing!

I would reiterate the importance of observing interactions with others..... not becoming involved in them, but just being aware of them and asking, why that comment, why to that person, why then, what's the big picture here??

kilted

Joker_Girl
09-27-16, 04:56 PM
I just HATE this kind of thing. It's stupid, and I don't like it because it has no place in work, of all things.

But some of it is subtle enough that if we had known each other longer, if we were FRIENDS, or even just WORK FRIENDS (this probably describes most of my work relationships, we are friendly enough to joke around, maybe a group of us goes out a few times a year, we know basic details of each other's lives etc, but we are not close enough that we hang out or text frequently, or know intimate details on one another).

I mean, like the University thing, we could have had fun with that, if it was just us, in the break room or something......she could have said, "I went to A university, but I heard you went to B university. What's it like there? I heard everyone there is a stupid inbred piece of crap!" I would have immediately recognized this as we are kidding and said, "oh, you would definitely have fit right in," maybe adding, "well, my mom and dad WERE related, but they didn't know it then. They actually met when they were going to college at A university. "

And we keep it up til we get bored of it. That kind of thing. And now, we have a joke we can bring up again and again, that both of us know is BS, but we can play with it off and on. Anything can be a topic for a joke. One night, it was the song, "Push It". One night it was people who have sex with farm animals. One night, it was Eminem. It's all just silliness, to relieve tension. I'm known to frequently come up with bizarre silly statements which obviously I don't believe, and everyone GETS that, but it's fun to play argue about it. One night, it was, "Bill Clinton is the Antichrist." We were about dying over it. Another time it was, "Insane Clown Posse is the greatest band to ever exist." Lmao. It's just funny, silly stuff that breaks the tension, is stupid, and passes the time while we are waiting for this or that to get done. All the patients are resting, but one is getting a CT, so we are waiting around? Perfect. Let's talk about what we are going to do if we win the lottery. I'm buying an island, naming it Doucheland, and legalizing pot. Hahaha! Just goofy stuff, something to say. One of my work friends looks like a much more attractive version of the lady who says, "ain't nobody got time for that!" So this is our little joke. We tell each other that all the time. It's funny. Another one of them is addicted to the Walking Dead, and this has become an inside joke.

The thing is, there is a place and time for these things, and anytime we are caring for a patient is NOT the time. And it's DIFFERENT, but it's subtle enough that if I responded aggressively, she could say, "omg, I was kidding, why are you being such a b****?" And then go whine to everyone how mean I am.

And sometimes, I am just not in the mood, and if I don't engage, and say something like, "Um yeah ok" and walk off, people know I'm just not feeling it, so they leave me alone. If I'm in the storage room cleaning the counter, it's either a holy disaster, or I'm just not in the mood. Same with everyone else. I don't keep pestering someone who is tired, preoccupied, busy, or stressed. I let them know I'm here if they need me, or want me to do something, and then I let them be.

It's like, just let me do my stuff and stop it.

If she wants to just be the boss of me, that's fine, she can be. I mean, she isn't actually my boss, but if she just wants to be bossy at me, or yell at me, or whatever, she should understand that she can. I won't fight her. Some people, she wouldn't dare, but me? Of course she can. I don't care. Everyone is the boss of me, and I will do anything anyone tells me to do, as long as it's not going to hurt anyone. Literally. I am always taking out trash, cleaning up some mess someone left, making everyone coffee, making beds, restocking stuff. It gives me something to be doing, and moving around, and it needs done by someone. But don't come and interrupt me from what I'm doing and tell me you flooded the toilet and I need to go clean it up. That's rude.

kilted_scotsman
09-27-16, 05:08 PM
but it's subtle enough that if I responded aggressively, she could say, "omg, I was kidding, why are you being such a b****?" And then go whine to everyone how mean I am.

This is exactly the "game" I mentioned above..... it's a classic bully tactic. sometimes it's done consciously, but often unconsciously....

THere's a whole psychological theory behind it.... but the upshot is.... don't feed the troll.

salleh
09-27-16, 05:21 PM
I take it you're in a hospital rather than an office right ? .....or an urgent care thingy .....

....I get it though ...those kind of stupid games are why I don't even try to work for someone else anymore ....I am continually blindsided by this kind of **** .....it even takes me a while to get when someone is pulling this on me ....uh what ???

...you got some good ideas from folks here .....but wanted you to know I agree with you totally on the this doesn't belong at work angle ......especially since lives and health are at stake ....bad enough in a business office ....but in health care .....not at all .....

...I think kilted scotsman has the idea though ....check out how she handles other people ......and I like the deflecting ideas too ....not sure I could do either one ....I'm not quick on my feet with comebacks if I am unpleasantly surprised by someones comments ....I do take it personally and my Irish rears it's tempetuous head .....

...I'm proud of you for holding your temper ! good work there !

Joker_Girl
09-27-16, 05:57 PM
Thanks.
It's a little hospital.
I just wanted to be sure that this is actually a "thing", and that I'm not imaginating it.
Because I felt like if it was normal, I wouldn't get this weird feeling about it.
I'm going to keep an eye on her, and proceed when the time is right.
Fortunately, I don't have to deal with her craziness tonight, it's all normal people on.

Little Missy
09-27-16, 06:50 PM
Don't dignify what she says or does to you with a response! Just smile.

sarahsweets
09-28-16, 04:35 AM
I hate feeling this way. For me, the resentment keeps building and I start to watch the offender like a hawk-waiting to move in for the kill-its so distracting.

jhope1
09-28-16, 06:36 PM
Good for you for showing so much self restraint in this frustrating work relationship. It appears that the kindness you showed the PA when she first started her employment at your hospital was seen not as coming from a genuinely kind person but someone she could “lord” it over which is what she seems to be doing in your interactions with her. She is not what you would call “a safe person” but one who takes advantage when she comes across a “weaker person” according to her perception.
Now it seems that you will have to re assert yourself into a person that she realizes isn’t going to put up with her bossiness and ridicule. You have received some good advice from others who have commented on your post. Especially the coworker who advised you to not make self-deprecating remarks (which are accepted with friends) but not around the PA who uses that information to continue her bullying. Also I am wondering if your need to be busy and doing many of the odd jobs of others in order to stay active may be sending a message to personality types such as the PA that you are “needy” and easy prey.
Try to make your interactions with her minimal and deflect her comments as suggested on another post. A little “eye rolling” might not hurt when she makes an unnecessary, obvious comment on how you should do a normal procedure. Usually when someone like PA realizes that they can’t “get to you anymore” they stop the behavior because they realize that you refuse to be to their target/ victim any longer. Just keep in mind that this isn’t about you but about her and that not everyone needs to like you. A smooth working relationship is your goal. Looking forward to hearing how this is resolved.

InvitroCanibal
09-30-16, 01:52 AM
"Why does it bother you?" and "why should you even care?"

Those are two questions to ask yourself before you participate or escalate in any conflict.

I understand how you feel. I've been bullied for many years until I asked myself those questions.

I used to think in terms of warfare but then I started asking myself, why did they care so much? What did they even want or need?

There is something empowering in finding peace with conflict and not letting others disrupt or hurt you.

You don't have to hurt them back to feel relief. You can stand up to a person like that through questions. She uses indirect conflict, so the solution is not in her game. It is in direct conflict through open questions.

I also realized that I didn't believe this person was actually understanding me as a person. I usually took the time to understand them.

When you truly understand a person, you can know a lot of ways to resolve the conflict but sometimes just understanding them can help you let it go.

Joker_Girl
10-02-16, 12:13 AM
To be honest, I am not sure why it bothers me so much if people don't like me. It just does, and I hate that about myself.

I am always trying to make everyone happy, cater to everyone, and keep the peace, and I have no idea why. Even if it's something I don't even need to be involved in, I have some deeply ingrained desire to smooth things over, and keep the atmosphere calm and happy. If someone is tangling with someone else (not at work, but it could be at work, it could be anywhere), I will try to get them to make peace, by making such statements as
"I'm sure he didn't mean it that way," "She has been under so much stress lately, don't take it personally, "
"I am pretty sure he was just joking," "She really likes and respects you," or "No, I've only heard good things about that!" Or my favorites, "Don't worry, it will all work out." "You always do a great job!" "I'll help you, we'll get it done together!" Or "You just go and take a break, I've got this!"

Any tension in the air makes me feel crazy, sick to my stomach, and full of dread.
Then my buried insecurity starts nagging at me.....it is all my fault....if I wasn't so stupid....if I wasn't such a failure.....yadda yadda.

I wish if there was going to be a fight, it could just happen and people could move on. I don't like to fight, but I'd prefer it to letting tension build and build. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I want everyone to be happy. I feel like it's a dominance issue, which if she wants to be dominant over me, it's fine....I don't care....I don't want to be the alpha female....she can definitely be it....or someone else can be.....ANYONE else can be. I will gladly accept anyone and everyone else's leadership, as long as it's not hurting anything. If I don't like the way something is, I'm good about subtly suggesting things so that my leader can "discover" a solution to my liking. Or putting it out there and giving them the credit. I prefer to fly under the radar, I don't need to be "the smart one" or "the innovator". Or at least, I don't need to be seen that way. I would rather be hard working, friendly, and industrious, and let the others tell me what to do. Even if it was my idea. Then things can be smooth and peaceful, and I can just be a peon or whatever.

Somehow this really makes me sound like a bad, evil, manipulative creature that I don't mean to be, and don't want to be. But maybe I am. Maybe I see myself in her behavior, but I'm not sure how. I would never speak to anyone that way, like she does.

I think she is kind of like this to everyone maybe. I had to deal with her the other day because she switched days. I did little talking and lots of watching. She spends a lot of time seeking praise from everyone.

sarahsweets
10-02-16, 06:04 AM
To be honest, I am not sure why it bothers me so much if people don't like me. It just does, and I hate that about myself.
Dont hate yourself for being human.:)


I am always trying to make everyone happy, cater to everyone, and keep the peace, and I have no idea why. Even if it's something I don't even need to be involved in, I have some deeply ingrained desire to smooth things over, and keep the atmosphere calm and happy. If someone is tangling with someone else (not at work, but it could be at work, it could be anywhere), I will try to get them to make peace, by making such statements as
"I'm sure he didn't mean it that way," "She has been under so much stress lately, don't take it personally, "
"I am pretty sure he was just joking," "She really likes and respects you," or "No, I've only heard good things about that!" Or my favorites, "Don't worry, it will all work out." "You always do a great job!" "I'll help you, we'll get it done together!" Or "You just go and take a break, I've got this!"

This isnt necessarily a bad thing unless you are letting people cross your own personal boundary by down-playing their passive aggressiveness.
Keeping the peace can bring harmony but also as you mentioned,it can also make the tension worse.

Any tension in the air makes me feel crazy, sick to my stomach, and full of dread.
Then my buried insecurity starts nagging at me.....it is all my fault....if I wasn't so stupid....if I wasn't such a failure.....yadda yadda.

You have to rewind these tapes and put them under a steam roller! They are not good for you and the world's happiness does not rest on your shoulder.

I wish if there was going to be a fight, it could just happen and people could move on. I don't like to fight, but I'd prefer it to letting tension build and build. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I want everyone to be happy.

I agree, if a fight is gonna happen then get on with it!

Somehow this really makes me sound like a bad, evil, manipulative creature that I don't mean to be, and don't want to be. But maybe I am. Maybe I see myself in her behavior, but I'm not sure how. I would never speak to anyone that way, like she does.
/
How does this make you manipulative?

Pilgrim
10-02-16, 08:19 PM
Joker girl there is nothing wrong with the way you feel.

It's hard to feel motivated when someone behaves this way.

I think Invitro said it well ' being comfortable in conflict '

I find these situations challenging in terms of wondering why there's a problem.

I think it's normally down to a form of jealousy.

I'm still working on people coming into my zone.

Ultimately there behaviour is a form of weakness.

'Why does it bother you' 'why should you even care' ,never a truer word spoken.

My 2 cents.

InvitroCanibal
10-05-16, 03:02 AM
To be honest, I am not sure why it bothers me so much if people don't like me. It just does, and I hate that about myself.

1) I am always trying to make everyone happy, cater to everyone, and keep the peace, and I have no idea why. Even if it's something I don't even need to be involved in, I have some deeply ingrained desire to smooth things over, and keep the atmosphere calm and happy. If someone is tangling with someone else (not at work, but it could be at work, it could be anywhere), I will try to get them to make peace, by making such statements as
"I'm sure he didn't mean it that way," "She has been under so much stress lately, don't take it personally, "
"I am pretty sure he was just joking," "She really likes and respects you," or "No, I've only heard good things about that!" Or my favorites, "Don't worry, it will all work out." "You always do a great job!" "I'll help you, we'll get it done together!" Or "You just go and take a break, I've got this!"

Any tension in the air makes me feel crazy, sick to my stomach, and full of dread.
Then my buried insecurity starts nagging at me.....it is all my fault....if I wasn't so stupid....if I wasn't such a failure.....yadda yadda.

I wish if there was going to be a fight, it could just happen and people could move on. I don't like to fight, but I'd prefer it to letting tension build and build. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I want everyone to be happy. 2) I feel like it's a dominance issue, which if she wants to be dominant over me, it's fine....I don't care....I don't want to be the alpha female....she can definitely be it....or someone else can be.....ANYONE else can be. I will gladly accept anyone and everyone else's leadership, as long as it's not hurting anything. If I don't like the way something is, I'm good about subtly suggesting things so that my leader can "discover" a solution to my liking. Or putting it out there and giving them the credit. I prefer to fly under the radar, I don't need to be "the smart one" or "the innovator". Or at least, I don't need to be seen that way. I would rather be hard working, friendly, and industrious, and let the others tell me what to do. Even if it was my idea. Then things can be smooth and peaceful, and I can just be a peon or whatever.

3) Somehow this really makes me sound like a bad, evil, manipulative creature that I don't mean to be, and don't want to be. But maybe I am. Maybe I see myself in her behavior, but I'm not sure how. I would never speak to anyone that way, like she does.

4)I think she is kind of like this to everyone maybe. I had to deal with her the other day because she switched days. I did little talking and lots of watching. She spends a lot of time seeking praise from everyone.

Only you can tell the world who you are. If you let her tell you who you are then you are invalidating your own emotions and right to feel.

The way to stand up to verbal assaults is to simply disagree. No excuses or explanations, just disagree.

Look at criticizing in your mind or openly the words of that person that criticizes you unfairly.

Don't let other people define your values.

Beyond that, if you want to know what probably caused this conflict...


In order to be at peace with the conflict, you have to understand where the conflict first occurred. Only when you are at peace with it, can you actually find the solution.

Being at peace with conflict doesn't mean to ignore it. It means to understand the conflict, what it is that you need, what it is that they want, and what is reasonable to ask of her vs yourself.

First off, you are looking at invalidation and disqualification dynamics. As I understand the main problem to be is that, it seems that you are being disregarded and in response you are disregarding your own emotions/feelings about it.

(I bolded the parts that indicated that to me)

Why invalidation occurred:

Someone that invalidates you is doing it because they invalidate themselves. They then look to invalidate others which starts the process all over again.

How does conflict happen?

The main aspect of conflict is when there are give and take dynamics at play. One person asks the other to be a giver or taker.

Most of the time it is actually the taker that resents the giver first. The taker resents the giver because of the rules of dependency. The taker is dependent upon the giver for a moment and this causes the feelings of being controlled.

When you trained her, helped her out at first, it may have seemed like things were kool, but the seeds of resentment happened when she felt dependent upon you for what you knew. She then had to disqualify these feelings by invalidating your knowledge.

You being the giver, want to smooth over the conflict, but now there is resentment in that as she knows what she is doing. Now that she feels like the bad guy, she then has to invalidate how you feel and even continue the behaviors.

This left you bewildered as to why it even continued.

So what do you do?

1) challenging her statements with questions
2)Diffusing and challenging her statements with humor

(If those aren't options)

Beyond that:

Unfortunately, as I said, it is all about her. Her ego, her feelings, and her spiteful behavior.

Because of this, you may feel powerless because the solution rests with her not you. It isn't your responsibility to fix this. It's hers.

What that means is that you have to set boundaries, and ask her to focus on her work and not you.

If she continues then you talk to your boss and ask that your boss talk to her about disrupting your work. Tell your boss that you had already told her in a respectful and clear manner what was not okay with you.

If she respects your boundaries from there on out, then let it go and move on. Smile be friendly, but don't let time passing make it okay for her to do anything like that again.

Tell her your boundaries.

This is the best approach, when you find yourself up against a wall, to stand your ground, set clear boundaries.

People typically don't always intend to bully or harass, but when they do they look for easy targets, so you can't invalidate how you feel because it makes you an easy target.

Recognize that as a giver, you are going to **** people off and be on the look out for how someone responds to that. It wasn't your fault for helping her out and you aren't in control of that or responsible for how she responds but some people do get hostile when you help them.


Realize though, that she will probably be an enemy for a while and that isn't likely to change. This is where the being comfortable with conflict is important. You want to have respect for her as a person while being able to disregard her words, and not her as a person.

The hopeful resolution of any conflict is to move away from the "give/take" dynamic and move to negotiation and open communication. This requires mutual respect, a willingness to listen, and a willingness to speak your needs. That's a hard one, that requires trust. So it's difficult to reach that point, even with a friend or close loved one it can be difficult.

Joker_Girl
10-06-16, 09:08 PM
Interestingly, she seems to be kind of like this with some other people as well.
Some people just won't tolerate it, and will not allow this behavior from anyone to any degree.
Some people, like me, will allow a bit of this behavior, but at some point, will get upset about it.

It seems to me that she feels inferior or something and like she has something to prove. She has to prove that she is at least intellectually, or experience wise, equal to, or superior to, all the rest of us. That is silly, because I believe she is competent and intelligent. The only time she screws up is when she is being cocky, and I've never seen her make a major screw up anyways.

No one I work with is incompetent, stupid, or lazy. Everyone has off days, where they're a little lazy, but for the most part, it's not like that. This is not a huge group of people. There are 2 primary care MDs, 1 nurse practitioner, 4 PAs, and about 12 RNs. Most of us are in our 30s-50s. Everyone has at least 5 or 6 years experience, and some, as much as 30. As far as being intelligent, I would guess that is pretty much level and within 10 iq points of each other imo. None of us are super geniuses or dumb.

She doesn't need to be thinking she is some elite shining star, nor should she be ashamed. It is what it is, and it is okay. We are all just fine as we are.

I don't know if she even knows she is acting this way. Or at least, not consciously. I don't think she plans it up. And I can be brusque at times, and not think about how I come across. I can be loud, and spazzy.

I think that she thinks we are friends. She was showing me pictures on her phone the other day. And I get on Facebook the other day, and lo and behold, she wants to be my friend. Well crap. There's nothing on there that can be used against me, and everyone else is on there, so why not. So we are friends on there now.

I'm still keeping my mouth shut around everyone as much as that is possible for me. Trying to observe. The past 3 days have been pretty good. And now, I'm off for a while, so even better lol.

sarahsweets
10-07-16, 05:58 AM
I don't know if she even knows she is acting this way. Or at least, not consciously. I don't think she plans it up. And I can be brusque at times, and not think about how I come across. I can be loud, and spazzy.

Some people really are that oblivious.My in laws are like this. Very waspy and they dont realize how condescending they can sound.

I think that she thinks we are friends. She was showing me pictures on her phone the other day. And I get on Facebook the other day, and lo and behold, she wants to be my friend. Well crap. There's nothing on there that can be used against me, and everyone else is on there, so why not. So we are friends on there now.

Personally I wouldnt have work friends on facebook. Or at least her.

20thcenturyfox
10-14-16, 09:01 PM
Sometimes not buying into the situation is best....
I saw my new doctor and he said, your buying into it to much and normally when one person is singled out there is other tensions in the workplace. I thought this was interesting.
I'd be careful about confronting the person....

What you are describing is a disconnect between the "content" and the "process" in a meeting.... the content is what is said.... the process is the "why now", "why that", "why to me/us/them" of that content.

It's the "why" that is important and the thing that you are unsettled by.

In this situation I've found that hanging back a bit and observing closely.... the unsettled feeling is the cue to really pay attention to the person's interactions, not just with me, but with other people..... because, over time small incidents build into a picture.....

Also.... this behaviour is often an invitation into an interpersonal dynamic.... the person is looking for someone else to "hook" into playing a game that they like to play..... the fact that they are already unsettling you is possibly an indication that subconsciously "know" that you are susceptible to their "hook".

For example they may subconsciously wind someone up in order to get a reaction, then they play the "wronged party" to other people in order to get support and empathy..... and create a us/them.scapegoating dynamic in which the individual can play a leader role.

In this type of dynamic, feeling into what the person is trying to hook you into... and avoid doing that like the plague.... the key is to be sure of what the subconscious "process" is before making a move.

My sense is that you are not yet sure of the process and therefore my advice is to REALLY pay attention to this persons interactions with yourself and others, paying particular attention to the feelings they trigger in you, and use those as a guide.... not as to what to do, but as a guide to what you should be VERY careful before doing!

I would reiterate the importance of observing interactions with others..... not becoming involved in them, but just being aware of them and asking, why that comment, why to that person, why then, what's the big picture here??kilted
^^^Bingo! As an old corporate warhorse myself, I would say here is some good guesswork and brilliant observations.^^^

To be honest, I am not sure why it bothers me so much if people don't like me. It just does, and I hate that about myself....
Then my buried insecurity starts nagging at me.....it is all my fault....if I wasn't so stupid....if I wasn't such a failure.....yadda yadda....
^^^Oh, please don't start banging on yourself just because someone else does it, and it rattles you. You're human, you have "soft spots," and you are compassionate and decent enough to try not to walk on other peoples' soft spots. You don't need to be smarter or more successful. IMO you just need an "emotional raincoat" to put on when around one of these BICS (bull-in-china-shop). Besides, it's a distraction when you should keep your eye on the ball.

I think she is kind of like this to everyone maybe. I had to deal with her the other day because she switched days. I did little talking and lots of watching. She spends a lot of time seeking praise from everyone.
Ha! See? And you're a quick learner, too. Just a couple of suggestions from others to watch carefully and not be drawn in, and already you are catching on! Well done, and keep going! (I agree with those who say "don't confront,"--because I see little chance of any upside, and it is likely to increase your sense of vulnerability and may hand her something she can use against you. I also agree this is a good time to dial back on your self-deprecating remarks.) Just keep on being yourself, just a little more detached and observant than usual. There's no guarantee she will self-destruct, but you don't want to do anything to delay the process!