View Full Version : Definition of Suicidal


hyper-not
09-29-16, 08:58 AM
I think that I play some kind of suicidal thought game with myself. As I tell any healthcare professional who asks if I have any suicidal ideation, I say that I do, but these thoughts are merely on an intellectual level, thus indicating that I would never actually commit the deed. But I do feel hopeless a lot of the time, and thinking about aspects of suicide does provide some weird kind of solace. And I donít really think about the process of committing suicide. That seems repellant to me. But I do think of a rationale behind it; the reasons that I would consider doing it, and an attempt at an explanation that is directed to others in my life, i.e., any remaining friends and relatives, as well as my partner; people that would actually care. So, it starts to take the form of a hypothetical suicide letter, in which I absolve them of any responsibility, and explain to them that this is simply the best choice for me, given my situation, who I am, my temperament, the expectations I have, my future prospectsÖ. In truth, there are some family members, including my partner, that I would never consider Ďdepartingí before them. I just feel too much responsibility towards them. And I wonder how many people just stay alive for another person, rather than holding on due to hope that they may get better themselves.
So, I wonder if this game is some kind of obsessive thought process that is just making things worse. Iím certain that itís a symptom of depression and anger about being in a situation that I canít get out of. And writing about and disclosing it seems to relieve some stress around it.
And in imagining someone reading this, they might think that this person needs help. To that Iíd have to say that Iíve been looking for help, on and off, all of my life. And Iíve received some help, which is why I am alive today. But my dysfunctional behaviors which, are related to my currently diagnosed ADHD, havenít exactly helped me to find a real solution. I think that there are probably great treatments out there, but due to my distracted nature and the complexity of financing, and insurance companies, etc, just makes it prohibitive right now. Itís funny that I can do our taxes each year, no problem, but feel like I need a lawyer to figure out our health insurance. Can't seem to find anyone to help me with this.

Unmanagable
09-29-16, 10:20 AM
The system made available to some can hinder more than it helps, unfortunately. And more and more have no absolutely access as of late, not of any quality, at least. How cruel is that?

We luckily live in an area that has a time exchange through a time bank, folks that like to barter, and community events that bring many healers and feelers together making it possible to make connections.

If it weren't for that, I may have already checked out by now. I love many things about this existence, but I'm not heavily attached, so to speak. I'm ready to head on home whenever it's time.

I could never follow through with the process of taking myself out, though, so here I am, just trying my best. Wishing you, and everyone, moments of peace every chance you get.

Some of the most helpful things I've experienced are massage therapy, nature, acupuncture, music, breathing techniques, sound healing (tibetan singing bowls and gongs), drumming, hula hooping, gardening, chiropractor, iridology, neuroptimal neurofeedback, smudging with sage and such, spend time with kids and animals, making time for self in sacred spaces, hot epsom salt baths, herbal tinctures and infusions, wild crafting and foraging, and getting to know my local farmer folks. Some have a price tag, some are open to bartering, and some simply enjoy teaching you while having an extra set of hands to help them out.

I'll never forget the heartache I felt in the state facility I used to work in whenever a student would slightly hint at the topic of suicide. Staff were instructed to call on campus police when that happened, "for their safety", and I felt that was so wrong and did nothing but create more trauma. Chances of them asking for help again were greatly lessened. :(

Were someone in the act of it, I could see, perhaps. But not when they just needed someone to listen. I was advised to keep my opinions to myself in these matters, and often.

hyper-not
10-02-16, 10:50 AM
Thanks Unmanagable for the the reply and candor. The one time I 'visited' a state facility, it was self-imposed. But I didn't know what I was getting myself into. So much of our mental health system, when it exists, is merely about keeping people alive and not really about quality of life. It sounds like you are in a good community and that you by nature have the facility to connect with people. I do need to find more of that for myself. I'm thinking that it may involve selling the house and moving. Any ideas where?

Unmanagable
10-02-16, 11:12 AM
For me, the ideal community is one that embraces a permaculture lifestyle, or at least has areas of opportunity to do so, if you wish to partake. Look for the things that pull your heart strings and ignite your passions, they'll likely be the ones to get you out of your shell a lot easier than total strangeness and unfamiliarity in a new place, or even the current space.

"Alternative" methods of healing, like Chinese medicine options such as acupuncture have proven to be incredibly helpful in my journey, as well, so I often seek workshops, like minds, and bartering opportunities.

Hour economy/time bank options are a thing to look for, too. Co-operatives of food and such are another bonus. Seek out local organic farmers to get to know and possibly help in some way in exchange for food. Priceless wisdom to be soaked up when sharing space like that.

We have all of that in bits and pieces, but I hope to see it grow and catch on like wildfire sooner rather than later. The less it's made available, and the less people are ever exposed to it, the less credibility it will continue to have, regardless of the ancient, or current, successes of individuals who choose to partake.

We're in the beautiful mountains of Virginia where we experience all four seasons, and I dearly love three of the four, albeit the weird and manufactured weather conditions have really messed with that, too.

But if I had the chance to pick anywhere in the world, and I could just blink my eyes and go w/o having to board a plane and such, I'd choose a tropical island where much fruit grows and the sunshine is limitless. Costa Rica is the first one that comes to mind.

hyper-not
10-02-16, 05:02 PM
All of those locations sounds great. I think the issue for myself and my partner is that we don't have the time and energy we used to have to seek out communities of like-minded people. I have to believe it does exist here, even in the Phoenix area. But when we moved here from the San Francisco area ten years ago, away from our network of friends, we didn't realize how hard it would be to reconnect in a very different culture. We kinda regret it now, although we had little choice but to move away.