View Full Version : I want a relationship but at the same time am afraid of it


castalia
10-02-16, 12:30 PM
Story of my dating life. I desire a stable relationship and marriage, but when someone is interested or I get into one with someone, I am afraid of it and become restless and impulsive. I often yearn for people who are not all into a relationship with me.
I am by nature monogamous but I think to me relationships are associated with lack of control. It also doesn't help that I feel I can't trust anyone.

Is this what a lot of ADD people feel or am I perhaps ambivalent-avoidant?

Hermus
10-02-16, 01:01 PM
What causes your fear in relationships? Are you afraid someone will leave you? Are you afraid they are coming too close?

I have somewhat the same thing. In a relationship I can be very clingy and demanding, yet I become unstable and I'm looking for other women at the same time. Especially when I don't feel completely secure I will think someone will leave me and I will look for attention elsewhere. It's very double and so far has obstructed a lot of nice things.

midnightstar
10-02-16, 01:17 PM
I'm similar to this, I tend to push people away to prevent myself getting too close to someone then having them abandon me :grouphug:

kilted_scotsman
10-02-16, 01:22 PM
I was at a workshop about relationships a while ago.....

One exercise we did was about attachment style.

We all divided up on two axes.... though we didn't know it when we divided up, one was anxiousness one was "avoidance".

Most people were in the anxious quadrant (they were there because they were anxious about their relationships!)..... there were a few in the "stable" quadrant (these people form stable attachments and go to relationship workshops when they're with an anxious partner), there was no one in the "avoidant" quadrant (these people would prefer a poke in the eye with a sharp stick to a workshop on relationships).

What I found interesting was that the couple of people I'd clocked as ADHD joined me in the "anxious/avoidant" quadrant.....

This means that we want relationship, but have difficulty with boundaries, often going all in then getting cold feet and backing out.

The underlying theory comes from Bowlby I think.... he looked at how the parental bond forms..... anxious avoidant comes from insecure attachment to the parent figure...

To me this seems logical.... as ADDers we're likely to have parents with ADDery tendencies...... who had problems relating to kids......

The good news is this can be changed through psychotherapy... but it takes work and time.

castalia
10-02-16, 04:07 PM
I was at a workshop about relationships a while ago.....

One exercise we did was about attachment style.

We all divided up on two axes.... though we didn't know it when we divided up, one was anxiousness one was "avoidance".

Most people were in the anxious quadrant (they were there because they were anxious about their relationships!)..... there were a few in the "stable" quadrant (these people form stable attachments and go to relationship workshops when they're with an anxious partner), there was no one in the "avoidant" quadrant (these people would prefer a poke in the eye with a sharp stick to a workshop on relationships).

What I found interesting was that the couple of people I'd clocked as ADHD joined me in the "anxious/avoidant" quadrant.....

This means that we want relationship, but have difficulty with boundaries, often going all in then getting cold feet and backing out.

The underlying theory comes from Bowlby I think.... he looked at how the parental bond forms..... anxious avoidant comes from insecure attachment to the parent figure...

To me this seems logical.... as ADDers we're likely to have parents with ADDery tendencies...... who had problems relating to kids......

The good news is this can be changed through psychotherapy... but it takes work and time.

Yes, sounds about right. I am an only child and although I had great parents, the fact that we moved around so much when I was a kid contributed to my anxiety.
After my dad passed away a few years ago, I had a relationship with an older man who was also seeing another woman all throughout the one year we were involved. Big mistake! He had emotional issues and may be ADD himself but after things ended with him I became anxious for attention and needy over every guy I've dated. Basically he ruined my trust in men and I have this subconscious belief that they are all in it to get their needs met and eventually drop me. I am not a jealous person, but I keep thinking that men always have one eye on the next couple conquest.

Bluechoo
10-03-16, 09:17 AM
I enjoy the hermit's life, and it is directly at odds with the concept of a committed relationship. I have only ever been in one committed relationship, and it was actually sort of an affair.

I am slowly finding my way back to the dating scene... I might experiment with some casual online dating... I suppose I have to meet a lot of people and maybe I will find more people who are interested in dating but not taking all of the other person's free time up... I don't want to give up my life to be with anyone...

castalia
10-03-16, 01:01 PM
The problem is that I have constant anxiety about wanting to be in a relationship. I know the thoughts are irrational yet I have trouble making them go away. And when I do date someone, I become too attached too quickly. If things don't work out, it takes a while for my feelings to diminish but once I decide it is over, I don't budge.

The interesting part is that every single guy who has found me too overwhelming and rejected me because of this came back later and wanted to either hook up again or to be in a relationship (and by that time I had moved on and was no longer interested). I guess this is the part that makes me nervous: people tend to want what they can't have it seems.

Danny'sMom
10-04-16, 06:29 AM
With me, too, it is happening now. I very much want to fall in love, go on a date, and build a good relationship ... But those who would be interested in me, so I'm not interested.

Socaljaxs
10-04-16, 10:39 AM
I have been single and completely dateless or even attempted too or have been putting myself out there for quite a while now. At this point I'm just lost in my own bubble...

This year especially, i have been even less open or willing or even considering the idea of being with someone or dating.... but I know that as of right now I'm not emotionally stable enough to truly put myself out there.

I have a horrible track record of dating the same type of guy over and over again. Instead of trying to break that habit I just stopped even attempting to look...

This year, While I'm still healing and most likely will never fully recover from the events of this year, I do have an issue with the fact my dad is getting set up constantly(granted,over the weekend he went on his first official date with someone new since my mom and his first date In 1974) but still that thought just saddens me.

castalia
10-04-16, 11:36 AM
In my case, I tend to be attracted to introverted, shy nerds who are good-looking. Unfortunately, the big problem is communication. They just don't communicate as much as I like, which makes me feel insecure.

I also tend to attract nerds myself, but I just find the ones who like me repulsive. I don't want an ugly or short nerd as I am quite good-looking myself. Sorry if it sounds superficial but I can't help being attracted to good-looking guys (not models, just above average in looks).

Delilah
10-05-16, 11:11 PM
YES, I can so relate here. I also want a stable, long-term relationship, but everything I've been involved with in the last 10+ years has been more or less the antithesis of what I want. Put simply, I have sabotaged myself in several ways. I at least know the how's and why's finally, and I think I know how to better navigate and conduct myself.. but I'm still very single, so I can't offer much in the way of advice lol, but I can definitely relate.

One thing you said, though, it's interesting... almost everyone I've been involved with over the years has come out of the woodwork at some point and either wanted to try again or otherwise said he regretted not staying with me. It's happened so many times it's almost comical, albeit frustrating.

I'm not so adept with the whole dating thing to begin with, and now I'm in my mid-thirties living in a relatively small area. It's not easy. I've taken a break from actively looking right now... on a Wednesday night I'm drinking a glass of wine at my kitchen island reading this forum in my sweatpants, music cranked, and very probably I should be in bed. It's not an unusual circumstance in my house. I'm very comfortable left to my own devices, but it's not really what I want for the long term.

castalia
10-06-16, 12:24 AM
Wow, another New Yorker relating to my posts! Frankly, I think there are many of us who can relate.



One thing you said, though, it's interesting... almost everyone I've been involved with over the years has come out of the woodwork at some point and either wanted to try again or otherwise said he regretted not staying with me. It's happened so many times it's almost comical, albeit frustrating.


Can you or someone else explain this? I can't fathom the reason other than that men probably want what they can't have or that they are tired searching for the one and look fondly at the times they spent with their exes. I don't have any desire to go back to my exes. Once the door is shut, it is shut for good.

Lloyd_
10-09-16, 08:59 PM
Story of my dating life. I desire a stable relationship and marriage, but when someone is interested or I get into one with someone, I am afraid of it and become restless and impulsive. I often yearn for people who are not all into a relationship with me.
I am by nature monogamous but I think to me relationships are associated with lack of control. It also doesn't help that I feel I can't trust anyone.

Is this what a lot of ADD people feel or am I perhaps ambivalent-avoidant?


I used to feel that same exact way until I've reached a point where I don't care either way whether it be a relationship or friendship if a person stays around or not. It really doesn't bother me.

Now my biggest issue is that not being in a relationship for a number of years my self image has gone way down hill to where I feel like I have nothing of substance to offer a woman, work and school has really sucked the life out of me. I cannot imagine ever seeing myself having fun and enjoying the little things that I did when I was younger and dating other women.

Lloyd_
10-09-16, 09:05 PM
In my case, I tend to be attracted to introverted, shy nerds who are good-looking. Unfortunately, the big problem is communication. They just don't communicate as much as I like, which makes me feel insecure.

I also tend to attract nerds myself, but I just find the ones who like me repulsive. I don't want an ugly or short nerd as I am quite good-looking myself. Sorry if it sounds superficial but I can't help being attracted to good-looking guys (not models, just above average in looks).

I'm one of those introverted nerds, the reason maybe some of us such as myself don't communicate as much as you'd like is because I tend to be self conscious of my attention span so I really do try to make the effort to listen to the other person and give them insight when they are speaking.

Also maybe introverted nerds don't say as much because they don't want to bore you with the details of their nerdy hobbies such as talking to you for hours about ham radio or whatnot. :D

castalia
10-10-16, 08:01 PM
I'm one of those introverted nerds, the reason maybe some of us such as myself don't communicate as much as you'd like is because I tend to be self conscious of my attention span so I really do try to make the effort to listen to the other person and give them insight when they are speaking.

Also maybe introverted nerds don't say as much because they don't want to bore you with the details of their nerdy hobbies such as talking to you for hours about ham radio or whatnot. :D

Do you have social anxiety?

solost
01-13-17, 01:19 AM
Story of my dating life. I desire a stable relationship and marriage, but when someone is interested or I get into one with someone, I am afraid of it and become restless and impulsive. I often yearn for people who are not all into a relationship with me.
I am by nature monogamous but I think to me relationships are associated with lack of control. It also doesn't help that I feel I can't trust anyone.

Is this what a lot of ADD people feel or am I perhaps ambivalent-avoidant?

WOW!! Basically my dating/relationship history. I desire that human connection the foreverness but if someone shows they are interested I generally friendzone them or run away, yet I always seem to fal for the guys on the rebound (unknowingly to me) who basically use and abuse and throw me away, usually these guys come back some time down the track saying how they made a mistake I am awesome and they want to give things another try and again like you once i am done i am done so I usually play them about a bit and make them think i am interested and then tell them i am not (think its my own little revenge its not something i intentionally do but always seems to happen)

I have taken past partners advice on things and worked on changing such as being told im too clingy and now i am so unclingy they mistake it as uninterested (cant win right). I am also very independent I have never relied on anyone for anything and apparently this is intimidating to men.

I don't know. Only recently diagnosed at 31 which gave me a lot of ahhhhuh moments for basically my whole life. I am though having trouble determining what is ADHD caused and whats caused from a pretty ****ty childhood...

The longest relationship i ever had was just short of 2 years and it was only that long due to me falling pregnant and trying to make it work for the babies sake... needless to say it didn't work out. and I have been single since which is 4 years...

sarahsweets
01-13-17, 07:00 AM
WOW!! Basically my dating/relationship history. I desire that human connection the foreverness but if someone shows they are interested I generally friendzone them or run away, yet I always seem to fal for the guys on the rebound (unknowingly to me) who basically use and abuse and throw me away, usually these guys come back some time down the track saying how they made a mistake I am awesome and they want to give things another try and again like you once i am done i am done so I usually play them about a bit and make them think i am interested and then tell them i am not (think its my own little revenge its not something i intentionally do but always seems to happen)
For personal growth's sake its important to take a look at this and why it happens just so you can move forward positively. A lot of times we say things happen unbeknownst to us, when subconsciously we are seeking certain things.

Fraser_0762
01-13-17, 07:04 AM
26, realizing my age is never going to go backwards. Have never been in a relationship. I want to be in one, but like everything else, i'm terrified of commitment. Relationships seem so complex and overwhelming. I see people who hold down relationships, jobs and healthy social lives and they are like magicians to me.