View Full Version : ADHD is Ruining Everything


Justine2
10-02-16, 10:37 PM
Hello!

So I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now and he is a wonderful person. Very supportive and loving and emotionally intelligent. He essentially is a very organized, planning type and well, I am COMPLETELY opposite. I am chronically late to our dates (as with everything else) and at first he let it slide but now it is really starting to annoy/upset him.

He thinks my chronic lateness is a reflection of me not valuing him enough to make the effort to be on time.... but I DO make the effort! I set multiple alarms, reminders you name it but my time management is ****. I give myself 3 hours to get ready sometimes but even so I still am late... my sense of time is very bad. I might judge it will take me 15 mins to drive to the restaurant but really it was 35 mins bc I forgot to take into account rush hour traffic etc etc.

My forgetfulness/distractibility is also upsetting him. I get to classes and everyone is talking about the assignment due that day (which i miraculously had done) and then my friend points out that I forget to answer part b) and c) to question 4 and I had left question 7 half answered. Thankfully I had an hour before it was due to finish it up but in doing so I had to cancel on my boyfriend whom I had promised to drop by and make some soup because he was as sick as a dog.

I felt so bad and apologized profusely but he was upset with me. And the thing is he had every right to be upset with me! All I can do is apologize like a ******* and then the next day the exact same thing will happen :/

I'm a mess and I don't know what to do.

I'm not on any meds for adhd, I dont even have my official diagnosis yet due to some co-morbid illnesses that need to get sorted out first.

There are a million examples like the ones I just mentioned and it is putting a real strain on the relationship and its all my fault but I have no clue how to fix this right now. I dont want to lose him...

castalia
10-02-16, 11:19 PM
Yeah, if you don't fix yourself you will lose him for sure. If someone was constantly late and cancelled on me most of the time (like the ADHD guy I have been seeing), I would also assume that the person wasn't interested enough and didn't want to make the effort.

Please get yourself sorted out.

Hermus
10-03-16, 03:14 AM
It sounds indeed like you have a problem and that that problem might be ADHD (however that can only be diagnosed by a proper doctor). In your case it sounds like it's worth it to make work of the diagnosis and subsequent treatment with meds or otherwise.

Yet, it takes two to tango. While your tardiness might be difficult to your boyfriend, if it is something that you are seriously struggling with your boyfriend to a certain degree needs to be understanding and accepting and support you in this. If he is not able to he might not be the ideal guy for you after all, since this will probably always be a problem. Even while treatment can make a serious difference, it isn't going to change you from a disorganized into an extremely well-organized person all of a sudden.

TheFitFatty
10-03-16, 05:54 AM
I have to agree with Hermes, he needs to understand that this is just the way you are. Meds and counseling may help somewhat, but they aren't a cure all. You may have to accept that you aren't compatible in the long run.

sarahsweets
10-04-16, 04:02 AM
Yeah, if you don't fix yourself you will lose him for sure. If someone was constantly late and cancelled on me most of the time (like the ADHD guy I have been seeing), I would also assume that the person wasn't interested enough and didn't want to make the effort.

Please get yourself sorted out.

I dont think anyone needs to look at things like "fixing themselves" in order not to lose a partner.

sarahsweets
10-04-16, 04:07 AM
My forgetfulness/distractibility is also upsetting him. I get to classes and everyone is talking about the assignment due that day (which i miraculously had done) and then my friend points out that I forget to answer part b) and c) to question 4 and I had left question 7 half answered. Thankfully I had an hour before it was due to finish it up but in doing so I had to cancel on my boyfriend whom I had promised to drop by and make some soup because he was as sick as a dog.
Of being distracted or forgetful is something that directly affects the relationship, I get it but if it has to do with your work and assignments for school I think thats your business to worry about.


I felt so bad and apologized profusely but he was upset with me. And the thing is he had every right to be upset with me! All I can do is apologize like a ******* and then the next day the exact same thing will happen :/

Why do you feel so bad? This is not something that you should feel so awful about. I get it that you want to say sorry but you should not feel like the worst person in the world over it. You are human.

I'm a mess and I don't know what to do.

I'm not on any meds for adhd, I dont even have my official diagnosis yet due to some co-morbid illnesses that need to get sorted out first.

You are not officially diagnosed yet your partner wants you to be able to get your act together? You are not being treated yet, but he wants you to suck it up and fix yourself? How perfect is he?

There are a million examples like the ones I just mentioned and it is putting a real strain on the relationship and its all my fault but I have no clue how to fix this right now. I dont want to lose him...
Nothing is all your fault- I dont care if you have adhd or not.

ToneTone
10-07-16, 02:00 PM
First of all, you're trying hard. That's half of all we can do: try! ... So credit yourself.

The other half of what we can do is solve problems or make strategies is to try out multiple strategies ... to be creative ...

Ok, so maybe I should started with "thirds" instead of "haves." Because the third thing we can do ... which is connected to the second and the first ... is to share our issues with others.

So first step for you: talk to whoever your doctor is ... about this problem of lateness and forgetting ... Discuss the possibility that you have ADHD and may need treatment.

Second, you have got to be easy on yourself. "Yelling" at yourself doesn't work. Trust me, I tried it for many decades. One of the worst (and possibly the most frequent) destructive dynamics people with ADHD get into ... is treating the other person as superior because the other person is more organized. That does not work either.

You may ultimately need to find another boyfriend, somebody who is willing to encourage you and love you as you are--as long as you're working towards good goals.

You know this is going to sound weird: but to tell you the truth, I used to get into the same problems in relationships that you report here. Lord knows this was painful and confusing and stressful. But looking back, those relationships gave me important feedback and information about my coping. if people hadn't complained, I would not have been able to figure out at some point that I had ADHD and needed to get it treated.

You can only do your best. You're working hard ... then from there, you can add creativity and multiple strategies. I think a first step for you is to report this problem to a doctor ... and to find a therapist, for weekly meetings to work on these issues and work on your esteem.

I struggle with lateness. This week I was late to work several days in a row. What helps me (though I often forget to do this) is to think NOT of the time I'm due somewhere. But think instead of the Time I MUST BE OUT OF MY HOUSE. If I have a 10 a.m. appointment and I'm thinking 10 a.m. in my mind, I will be late. I have to think I NEED TO LEAVE BY 9:15 OR WHATEVER.

I use a trick for appointments and this really works. First of all, probably time of you to get a planner, even if you have failed at using one in the past. i write down appointments not with the real time ... but by adding in 15 minutes ... So if I have an 11 a.m. appointment, I write down 10:45. Totally true: I ALWAYS forget that I have changed the time. I always forget. And so I end up arriving to doctor's appointments pretty much on time.

Good luck. Go easy on yourself.

Tone