View Full Version : Purpose, depression and understanding

10-03-16, 05:38 PM
Sometimes I realize some things... Life seems unendingly painful and hollow. I've been in this place as an adolescent, when developing anorexia nervosa, and again as a relapsed bulimic 4 years after initial recovery. Now again, I've felt these deep, agonizing painful things in waves.

Medication for depression, Adderall XR and therapy helped together, and stopped the pain, but now that I'm off medication, for the majority of the last year, it's as it was, though I've developed a different perspective. I feel we live in this paridigm of self-proclaimed purpose.. Things seem moot and menial at the end of the day, or our lives.. As i've been enduring the pain and allowing the emotions to flow, coinciding with almost endless flashbacks spawned by smells, people resembling those of my past, etc. etc., most of which never hurt before but do now, I'm thinking maybe I need to just live this way.. Maybe it's normal or right.

I force myself to do most everything, and have zero reward from doing things other than it's done, and my memory is scattered. I cannot say I have any dreams, goals, interests, hobbies, ambitions or substance. Everyday is a sore reminder of what was when I felt well a few years ago, albeit on a number of medications.

As i've lived in this pain I'm thinking it's right, and that the majority of this world lives in illusion and is numbed down by the controlling sway of our society through alcohol, cigarettes, various medications and addictions to stop the hurt from living a fake life... One that is entirely unnatural, thus causing such grieving and hurt for so many... Working jobs that mean nothing and serve no purpose than perpetuating this dysfunctional dollar-worship system, leaving our souls empty, serving corporations rather than people's inner needs... Neverending slaves to the system of "things.."

Maybe I'm just severely depressed, which I won't deny, as while the realizations are likely as they were before, merit worthy, It's tough to believe that living as I am now is as it's supposed to be, struggling to find a reason to exist or force through days just because it's what I have to do.. I appreciate things but cannot feel the good of them, nor do I care to study, nor could I really to much efficacy like this. I am trying to do this without Anti Depressants or Stimulant meds as I did before, as I feel they harm our energy bodies and prevent spiritual development/contribute to suppressing energy that needs to be released, but really, truly hate living like this. I am close to going back on some medication to want things again... Something..

Anyone have any thoughts? I meditate regularly, eat well and exercise 5-7 days a week to help.

I know this post is scattered, and I apologize for that... It covers a good portion of what I wanted to say... To see what others think...

Thank you for reading

10-03-16, 05:44 PM
you know you're depressed but depression doesn't change facts. People anaesthatize themselves in many ways. Shopping, golfing, drugs, and even success.

Existential pain is real, depression may be a lens that brings it into sharper focus. it seems to me that most of the pain is caused by trying to force the illusion to be real. Resisting what is which is really just tilting at windmills.

That said, meaning can be found and with in meaning there is joy and replenishment to vivify your life

10-03-16, 06:12 PM
Thank you ginniebean.

I've realized it most of my life, well, since adolescence, however it seems to be to an extreme, to where getting through my days takes most everything I feel I have inside me. A few years ago, in the time I mentioned, my solice was volunteering, giving, helping and being of service; Since my personal changes I've found it increasingly difficult to stay afloat emotionally, and struggle to even help others anymore. There are epiphanies within the hurt, and I find it half of the time empathy based and the other half I feel cold. There too have been moments after enduring the pain where harmony exists, though it's an absent one, where nothing matters as I become used to the experience during it's passing. Part of me says to endure and see if it gets better, while part says to try medication to help regain direction, desire or reason to go forward and set goals or wants... Though, perhaps in the suffrage direction will be gained..?

10-07-16, 12:59 PM
Feels unending.. I don't see a point in anything, and it's getting old being mentally tormented randomly and consecutively every day. Hopefully someday it goes away, as life feels miserable.. Everything that was good feels bad, and memories of the past that were good hurt just as painful ones do. That and I'm super tired and laying in bed is most tempting. I guess time may help...

10-09-16, 01:44 PM
If the medications helped you a lot, why did you decide to stop the medications?

Just speaking of myself, I know I would feel absolutely awful and a deep loss of purpose if I were to stop taking my medications.


10-09-16, 05:22 PM
I think meds may be the way to go. Alternatively, check out a book called "In search of the Miraculous by P.D. Ouspenski. I rarely would suggest a book to anyone and i don't know why I am now but i have a feeling.

10-09-16, 05:54 PM
Feels unending.. I don't see a point in anything, and it's getting old being mentally tormented randomly and consecutively every day. Hopefully someday it goes away, as life feels miserable.. Everything that was good feels bad, and memories of the past that were good hurt just as painful ones do. That and I'm super tired and laying in bed is most tempting. I guess time may help...

You don't say what treatments you have tried or are receiving, but it would appear they are not working very effectively at the moment. I have certainly been in the same position, and felt life's cost-benefit calculation slipping into negative territory for longer than I was prepared to tolerate.

But almost anything you try to do for yourself is likely to have more of a payoff if you are also receiving the best outside care and support you can find to help you through this crisis. I hope you are getting some.

Speaking for myself, I started seeing some small improvements 10 or 11 months ago, and through some combination of meds, anger, luck, friends, and unremitting effort I've experienced a series of tiny incremental improvements since then. I definitely still have a way to go before I will be sure life is worth continuing, but at least I can see a path worth pursuing here.

One of the most transformative ideas I found on this site recently was a link to a book on Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy, by Rebecca Crane. While I have had "mindfulness" pushed at me many times, I had never before been able to see it as offering any more than a momentary respite from my feelings. Somehow this time was different. Of course there is no telling if it would offer you some relief, but I gladly share it in case it may. ce&source=bl&ots=FTXt7d94tk&sig=TkEr7R7bDlo7RmILz-1oFOeWSzk&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjx5qLi1M7PAhVF6YMKHSd0DM4Q6AEINzAE#v=on epage&q=MBCT%20depression%20rumination%20experiential%20 avoidance&f=false

This google book excerpt found by googling "MBCT rumination experiential avoidance" probably leaves out much of the "how" (so you won't necessarily be able to practice it after only reading the excerpt). But it contained enough of the "why" to convince me this is important information for anyone vulnerable to recurring depression, AND that applying the basic ideas--boring and counter-intuitive as they may be--will offer both momentary and longer-term relief, and free up some of my very limited energy for better things. I've added it to my list of "self-rescue" activities to do when things seem bleak.

I realize everyone is different, so all anyone can offer besides their heartfelt empathy is the one or 2 things that have helped them find their way. I wish you the very best as you suffer through this.