View Full Version : One of the best books Ive read


ADHDWife&Mom
10-04-16, 10:51 PM
I just wanted to share. I have been checking out just about every ADHD book from my library system and going through so many of them. I ended up finding one that had a lot of info that really helped me. It was one that was not on most of those "best adhd books" lists so I wanted to share in case anyone else was looking.

What I loved about it was the section on dealing with the ADHD child's behavior. It has a lot of real ideas and examples which many other books didnt give. We have been using the work for play and making amends method and it has really helped a lot with our ADHD/ODD son.

Also they gave some great info on basic nutrition strategies. It was not a HUGE diet change like the feingold diet but it gave some helpful suggestions like protein loading at breakfast and lunch.

Ive been reading the 2nd edition version from the library so Im not sure if the first edition is that much different but I really found this book helpful.

Its called Parenting Children with ADHD 10 Lessons that Medicine Cannot Teach.

(FYI its not anti ADHD meds, the title kind of sounds like it might be but its more to be used with meds)

ToneTone
10-08-16, 08:18 PM
I'd love to hear some of the ideas from the book that you found most powerful and most helpful.

Tone

ADHDWife&Mom
10-11-16, 10:26 AM
really the biggest thing I liked was the discipline section for children. We have struggled with this with my son because he is beyond the age where things like time outs help.
They suggest that if a child does not obey you have them do practice at obeying and you have them make amends if they throw a fit. An example they gave was if you ask your child to take the trash out to the trash can and he gets upset and complains or refuses to do it. Basically he is not allowed to do anything he wants to do until he does what you told him to do and then you add on extra work (in the example they had the child go collect ALL of the trash from all cans in the house and take them out too) then the child must do something for the adult to make up for the stress of them throwing a fit (an example they gave was making the adult a snack or a drink).

We have had issues with punishments because we have a way of doing things in our home that doesnt allow for us to change things around easily for punishments. We dont allow screen time during the week at all (except the occasional school work). So if we wanted to punish him by taking away screen time it would have to wait for the weekend and immediate consequences work so much better. This method just really worked so much better for him. And its really simple because you dont have to keep track of anything like a chart.

ginniebean
10-11-16, 04:49 PM
It sounds like punishing a child for having a disability. If a child with a physical condition was asked to make up for inconveniencing a parent it would be rightly called abusive. One day understanding of this condition will get there. Sadly, we are not there.

Next time you get the flu make sure to make amends.

ADHDWife&Mom
10-12-16, 11:20 PM
It sounds like punishing a child for having a disability. If a child with a physical condition was asked to make up for inconveniencing a parent it would be rightly called abusive. One day understanding of this condition will get there. Sadly, we are not there.

Next time you get the flu make sure to make amends.

um.....seriously?

this board can be really great sometimes but there are some nasty people here too it seems. Lets all jump to abuse when someone is talking about discipline.
ADHD does not compare to a physical disability. A person can not learn to walk if they are paralyzed but a child with ADHD CAN learn to control his behaviors. Also, the flu doesnt compare because again you cant really control your flu symptoms by learning to not vomit.
ADHD kids are very much encouraged to modify their behaviors and learn to do better. Im not talking about abusing a child here. Im not asking him to do some horrible things. I was talking about a book that gave some examples. Yes, a child that has ADHD and blows up when asked to do a chore can learn from a lesson of not being allowed to move on with fun until following the directions. He can also learn from being given extra work to make up for it. And he can learn good social behaviors by doing something to make up for having a poor initial reaction. Telling a child that he has a free pass to do whatever he wants because its hard for him to control himself is just a way of never letting him grow in my opinion. That is not to say that a child will not be given help or will be treated poorly for having trouble. We have lots of things in place to help him remember to do his chores. He is given reminders. He is not allowed to throw things and scream and refuse to obey simply because it is hard for him though.

Im not sure why there have to be nasty comments left. I really thought this board was for encouraging other parents and helping each other out. I was simply sharing a book that I thought was helpful to me and might be helpful to others.

peripatetic
10-13-16, 01:23 PM
please be reminded of our etiquette guidelines : http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15843

there is nothing in violation here, but i am reminding folks so that it stays that way.

cheers,
-peri

Lunacie
10-13-16, 04:33 PM
um.....seriously?

this board can be really great sometimes but there are some nasty people here too it seems. Lets all jump to abuse when someone is talking about discipline.
ADHD does not compare to a physical disability. A person can not learn to walk if they are paralyzed but a child with ADHD CAN learn to control his behaviors. Also, the flu doesnt compare because again you cant really control your flu symptoms by learning to not vomit.
ADHD kids are very much encouraged to modify their behaviors and learn to do better. Im not talking about abusing a child here. Im not asking him to do some horrible things. I was talking about a book that gave some examples. Yes, a child that has ADHD and blows up when asked to do a chore can learn from a lesson of not being allowed to move on with fun until following the directions. He can also learn from being given extra work to make up for it. And he can learn good social behaviors by doing something to make up for having a poor initial reaction. Telling a child that he has a free pass to do whatever he wants because its hard for him to control himself is just a way of never letting him grow in my opinion. That is not to say that a child will not be given help or will be treated poorly for having trouble. We have lots of things in place to help him remember to do his chores. He is given reminders. He is not allowed to throw things and scream and refuse to obey simply because it is hard for him though.

Im not sure why there have to be nasty comments left. I really thought this board was for encouraging other parents and helping each other out. I was simply sharing a book that I thought was helpful to me and might be helpful to others.

Not being allowed to do something fun until a chore has been done can be a good teaching tool.

But adding on more chores because he or she didn't do the first chore without whining or dragging of feet does seem like it could be punishment.

And is it a two way street in terms of making amends? Parents aren't perfect either.

BellaVita
10-13-16, 10:15 PM
When I was a child, the times I'd whine or complain about doing a chore (which honestly wasn't very often - but that wasn't necessarily a good thing but I won't go into why) were when I had run out of executive functioning and found the task extremely difficult. It felt mentally painful to perform the task.

Getting more chores added on while I was already struggling with the current one would ultimately lead to meltdown. (Keep in mind ADHD children or ADHD children who are also autistic can experience these too - and they aren't tantrums but a physiological reaction to too much stress/information/overload. It might be the fits that you believe your son is having - and there is a big difference between a meltdown and a fit)

I think kids with ADHD often don't understand what's going on in their own brains, and they don't know how to articulate their feelings, and then emotional dysregulation comes in and they start whining and complaining because they don't know how else to express themselves.

I can't speak for all kids with ADHD, but for me as a child, I never whined/complained/"threw a fit"(meltdown) for no reason - and definitely wasn't doing it to be a brat or because I wanted to disobey - it was because there was a real reason each time and I didn't know how to form my thoughts into proper words and had trouble expressing myself.

Maybe I was overloaded and needed a 15 minute break from chores, maybe I was too exhausted and needed a time-extension to get them done tomorrow, maybe I was so hungry that my blood sugar was low and I couldn't function well mentally, maybe a body part of mine hurt and doing the chore made it hurt worse.

Whining/complaining/throwing a fit might be the only way a child with ADHD knows how to communicate distress - especially when they don't understand what they themselves are feeling.

Lunacie
10-13-16, 11:18 PM
:goodpost:

The adult almost has to be a detective at times to figure out what the child is feeling, what the child needs (time, food, tylenol).

I know when I am hurting or getting sick all my energy goes out the window, and I've learned to read that in my granddaughter.

Being sick or in pain also messes with my appetite, and if I'm not taking in energy I don't have any energy to spend on doing chores.

None of this is an excuse for not being a contributing family member, but it can be a reason for needing food, or more time.

Kids with ADHD (and autism) find it difficult to prioritize all the sensory information flooding them all the time, and so all if it can overwhelm and tire the kiddo. And the effort of trying to figure out which thing to focus on and try to ignore all the rest is very tiring. Many of us retreat to our "hideouts" where we can let go of all the chaos.

A trip to the grocery store wears me out ... all the noise, all the light, all the colors and odors, the people blocking the aisles, the too-loud beeper at the checkout scanner, making extra trips across the store because I forgot something in another aisle.

I really don't know how kids handle school, echoing hallways, squeaky rubber soled shoes, dozens or hundreds of kids talking at the same time, loud bells or buzzers signaling classes, sudden interruptions on the intercom, a kid at the next table sniffing or bouncing his leg or humming to herself, just as you focus on your worksheet the kid on the other side gets up to use the pencil sharpener and the noise of that!

When they get home, they need some quiet "hideout" time and a snack and a chance to let go of all the chaos. If you ask them to take out the trash the minute they walk in the door, of course they're going to grumble or whine.

Exhaustedmom
10-30-16, 07:53 AM
An example they gave was if you ask your child to take the trash out to the trash can and he gets upset and complains or refuses to do it. Basically he is not allowed to do anything he wants to do until he does what you told him to do and then you add on extra work (in the example they had the child go collect ALL of the trash from all cans in the house and take them out too) then the child must do something for the adult to make up for the stress of them throwing a fit (an example they gave was making the adult a snack or a drink).

I actually learned the first part from the "Empowered Parents" articles you can find online (for the Total Transformation Program, but they offer lots of free advice). I have been doing this, I don't get upset when my son refuses to do something (or at least I don't show it :)) but I just tell him that he won't get his ipad until it is done. Another thing that helps is to not make him do it right that second but let him finish what he's doing, or I'll tell him to do it within 10 minutes (or longer if it's a big task). I have learned that power struggles get us nowhere and he simply will not learn his lesson as far as "If I just do it now, it'll be over with, why procrastinate all day". Plus I remember how much I hated it when my mom made me do something right NOW and insisted that it was right NOW just because she could. I think letting them choose a time (within reason) helps.

However, I personally don't punish him further if he doesn't do it. I just follow up with the consequence and leave it at that. If I made him do additional things, he would think I'm just doing it to because I can make him do it. He'd get resentful, angry, and it would solve nothing. For some kids that might work and teach a lesson, but it wouldn't for mine. He is so stubborn and very easy to anger.

Another thing I'd like to add is that "putting my foot down and being super strict" has always backfired for me. In the past, when he got suspended from school, I would make him clean the house all day. I wanted him to understand that suspension doesn't equal a fun day at home. But that was before I knew he had ADHD. I would also tell him that I am very disappointed over and over. Basically, I sent him back to school in a worse mood than before and that's never a good thing :doh:

Now I tell him that during the time he would be at school, there is no ipad, and for example last time he was suspended for yelling and cussing, I found articles for him to read on anger management, dealing with criticism, etc. I don't show anger and I TRY to not show disappointment (it's very hard) and tell him we need to work together to find his triggers and try to show him other ways to react next time, or explain why he might have overreacted or misunderstood what someone said to him.

I can't say any of this is working but punishing him didn't work either and at least this sends him back to school confident and willing to try again, versus already starting out resentful.

It's hard...

mildadhd
10-30-16, 12:33 PM
I always found it good to do help do the chore with my son together when he was having difficulty getting the chore done.

I learned in reading "Scattered", by Dr. Mate that it is important to keep attunement relationship first and foremost.

No need to make things worse.

When we can actually have fun together and promote our brains' development, at the same time.


G

Tetrahedra
10-30-16, 03:18 PM
Thank you for the book suggestion.

Like the others, I'm not keen on adding extra work or making him "make amends" for inconveniencing you. You're right that he needs to be taught cause and effect and how to better his ability to handle these sorts of situations, but the route the book suggests doesn't seem very positive. What bothers me the most is that he might grow up resenting you and your parenting method. You're trying to be sensitive to his needs and to the fact that he needs an alternate parenting method to help him learn important life lessons. But this book isn't taking into account that he's really struggling with performing chores. It's approaching it as though he just doesn't care, or that he has the ability but he just doesn't want to.

Can you sit down and talk with him about what he thinks would be the best method to get his tasks completed? Maybe he will be better able to articulate why he struggles so much, and from there you and your family could come up with a plan.

What I fear is that requiring children to "make amends" for inconveniencing the parent is incredibly narcissistic. Not to say that you are by any means, but I can see how it could be warped and twisted so easily by a selfish parent, and that, quite frankly, makes me a little sick to my stomach. Essentially it's saying, "I don't care about your struggles. It bothers me, so you need to make it up to me." It makes it less about the kid's inability to handle the situation and more about how the parent feels. This is an incredibly narcissistic approach to parenting. And that's the part that's going to make your kid resent you.