View Full Version : Medication helped me see I was in a dysfunctional marriage


RussProspect
10-18-16, 10:29 AM
I see so much media and topics on how ADD/ADHD and associated medications ruin families and marriages. But I wanted to share another view on this. Undoubtedly it certainly can. I was only diagnosed and began medication for ADD approx 4 years ago at the age of 33. I had been married to my wife for 4 years, and dated her for 2 years before that.

She's undiagnosed by exhibits traits representative of a covert narcissist, with avoidant personality aspects. I won't go into detail but what one experiences when with a partner like this is that they are absolutely perfect in the beginning, they idolize you and mirror your wants and passions. Then they abruptly do a 180 and the person you knew is suddenly gone. You're constantly trying to understand what happened, what you did, and you're blamed for this transformation. This puts you in the position of trying your best to be a better partner, parent, etc. You doubt your perception, and I believe my ADD really exacerbated this.

When I was diagnosed, and prescribed (Adderall in my case), I was so much more patient, and could see the world around me with such clarity. I could also see that I was constantly being blamed for everything, and none of my needs were being met. The clarity helped me see what was really happening in my relationship, and how selfish, disrespectful and cruel my wife was acting towards me. I stopped doubting myself, stood up for my needs, asserting myself. At the same time, I realized that I did really love her, and wanted real intimacy, and to work on "us". But no effort could fix the issues you face when you deal with someone with these characteristics. She was able to exert alot of control before, and when that began to slip, it seemed like the frequency and intensity of issues escalated rapidly, and repeatedly. It was obvious to me now...I stopped blaming myself. I owned my behaviors and expected her to own her part on "us".

She didn't, and will not...And I've since filed for divorce which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. So yes, ADD medication led to my divorce, but not for the reasons most like to rant about.

sarahsweets
10-20-16, 04:30 AM
I see so much media and topics on how ADD/ADHD and associated medications ruin families and marriages. But I wanted to share another view on this. Undoubtedly it certainly can. I was only diagnosed and began medication for ADD approx 4 years ago at the age of 33. I had been married to my wife for 4 years, and dated her for 2 years before that.

She's undiagnosed by exhibits traits representative of a covert narcissist, with avoidant personality aspects. I won't go into detail but what one experiences when with a partner like this is that they are absolutely perfect in the beginning, they idolize you and mirror your wants and passions. Then they abruptly do a 180 and the person you knew is suddenly gone. You're constantly trying to understand what happened, what you did, and you're blamed for this transformation. This puts you in the position of trying your best to be a better partner, parent, etc. You doubt your perception, and I believe my ADD really exacerbated this.

When I was diagnosed, and prescribed (Adderall in my case), I was so much more patient, and could see the world around me with such clarity. I could also see that I was constantly being blamed for everything, and none of my needs were being met. The clarity helped me see what was really happening in my relationship, and how selfish, disrespectful and cruel my wife was acting towards me. I stopped doubting myself, stood up for my needs, asserting myself. At the same time, I realized that I did really love her, and wanted real intimacy, and to work on "us". But no effort could fix the issues you face when you deal with someone with these characteristics. She was able to exert alot of control before, and when that began to slip, it seemed like the frequency and intensity of issues escalated rapidly, and repeatedly. It was obvious to me now...I stopped blaming myself. I owned my behaviors and expected her to own her part on "us".

She didn't, and will not...And I've since filed for divorce which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. So yes, ADD medication led to my divorce, but not for the reasons most like to rant about.

Thanks for sharing this. I think alot of people with adhd who were unmedicated, undermedicated or never medicated felt like they were always wrong and living under the fog of adhd. Once medicated with a clear mind they were able to make their own changes and own their part and found that their partners wouldnt own theirs.

BellaVita
10-20-16, 05:17 AM
Thank you for sharing - I wish you healing, peace, and a life of clarity and surrounding yourself with people who are kind.

Dachshund
10-20-16, 10:34 AM
Thank you for sharing, and I wish you the best. I'm glad that you found what you needed for yourself.

While not as dramatic, I also found that becoming medicated changed my marriage, although it ended up for the better. I was able to see that my husband had some terrible argument habits which usually ended up making me feel guilty. It was because he's never been comfortable with talking about feelings, so he'd flip the conversation and pile on me. And, for almost a decade, I had allowed this.

I still remember our first heated argument after I was put on meds. I stood up for myself, I wouldn't let him deflect or change topics. I wouldn't let him off the hook because "I did such-and-such last year." I won't lie, it got nasty. I had never stood up to him in the way before, it caught him off guard, and he kept digging that hole. But, thankfully, the end result was positive. He started to see what he had been doing, how it wasn't acceptable, and he's doing his best to change that.

No doubt though, ADD and marriage is hard. When a person changes within a marriage (either from medication, illness, insight, or just time), it can change the marriage itself, for better or for worse.

33Forward
11-01-16, 08:09 PM
I am going through the same situation myself now. My wife was the same, a narcissist, going through similar behavioral patterns.
When I first met her, things were great. Somewhere along the line, my doctors changed my medications I was taking for anxiety, and I had a job change. The job change alone made (what I didn't know was ADHD then) so much worse. But those changes allowed my wife's narcissistic personality to come to the front and start controlling everything. I blamed myself for everything, I felt worthless, felt like the whole worlds problems were my fault. The verbal and emotional abuse was constant, but somehow I was convinced I deserved it.
The breaking point was when she got physical, and I finally got into therapy, and back on some medication. Once I was back on some medication, its like the fog cleared out of my head, and I saw for the first time how she had been controlling me the whole time.
Currently separated, looking into my options for divorce as well. Just trying to heal myself enough to get some fight back into me, as I think I'm going to need it. Fortunately, no kids to involve... I guess thats probably the only good part.
Its a long road, but at least the journey isn't as bad when you know you're not the only one walking it.