View Full Version : Need help:ADD Mom raising two monsters


pynkicecream
10-19-16, 08:21 AM
I am 32 and a mother of two boys ages 5 and 7 yo, has a full time job, married to a working husband who thinks ADHD non-existent . I was diagnosed with ADD 2 years ago and taking Concerta since then.

My problem is my rage/anger, due to my inability to control my emotions and say/do things without thinking it through. I am short tempered most especially in dealing with my children. I'm afraid that parenting is not my thing and the way I act and discipline them, will damage the very foundation of their childhood and will destroy their spirit.

Forgive me, as I cannot get my thoughts in order and I cannot describe it clearly but allow me to list down the situation or actions that I do to them that make me a terrible abusive mother

-Got overwhelmed easily when both of them talks to me at the same time
- I yell at them often (most of the times with threats) when they don't do the things I want to them to do
- When they commit mistakes, its a big deal for me to that point that I called them careless, sometimes stupid, oh yes, I do a lot of name calling.

- It is very difficult to teach them with their schoolworks , most especially Maths (my dreaded subject and the one that makes me cry). I want to teach them Math concepts but getting my thoughts across is very difficult. Even hired a tutor to lessen my load.

I yell and get impatient if my Son cannot get the correct answer. For example, I am teaching Multiplication to my eldest son; for me it was easy to solve it but when he cannot answer correctly the first time, I feel too frustrated that I tell him its very easy why he cannot do it right. Makes him think that he's dumb because I tell those things to him. Now I am feeling that his self -esteem has gotten low already, and all because of me.

- I just can't seem to control myself in dealing with my 5 year old. He gets too frustrated easily,throw tantrums, and when I cannot control or calm him down, I get angry and hit him with a belt just to make him stop. I am raising a monster I know, but I do not know how to control myself.

- When I am angry to them, calling them names or saying horrible things makes me feel better, its like letting it out all my frustrations to them. But after that I felt guilty, I explained why I hit them (bad behavior) but never did I apologize to them. And the more I do harsh discipline, the more they become hard headed.

Now they are starting to grow up like me- impatient, saying terrible things with no regard or remorse, more aggressive, easily frustrated. I don't know how to end this cycle, I love them and I want them to grow as a loving , caring adult who knows how to control their emotions . When they went past the foundation years, whatever the behaviors they have will be carried on to adulthood. I do not want them to be like me.

I grew up in a normal family, not abusive. I was the eldest of four siblings, well loved by my parents. Want to give the same love to them but every time they push that button, I transform into a monster.

Need to control my emotions and my anger but HOW? :(:(

Little Missy
10-19-16, 09:29 AM
You desperately need some help because what you are doing is called Child Abuse.

sarahsweets
10-19-16, 09:58 AM
-Got overwhelmed easily when both of them talks to me at the same time
- I yell at them often (most of the times with threats) when they don't do the things I want to them to do
- When they commit mistakes, its a big deal for me to that point that I called them careless, sometimes stupid, oh yes, I do a lot of name calling.

I yell and get impatient if my Son cannot get the correct answer. For example, I am teaching Multiplication to my eldest son; for me it was easy to solve it but when he cannot answer correctly the first time, I feel too frustrated that I tell him its very easy why he cannot do it right. Makes him think that he's dumb because I tell those things to him. Now I am feeling that his self -esteem has gotten low already, and all because of me.

Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse, a lot of times more-so. You are setting your children up to have no self esteem and to hate themselves. The scars of physical abuse will heal but the emotional scars will leave an imprint that will follow them forever.


- I just can't seem to control myself in dealing with my 5 year old. He gets too frustrated easily,throw tantrums, and when I cannot control or calm him down, I get angry and hit him with a belt just to make him stop. I am raising a monster I know, but I do not know how to control myself.

I was going to try and validate your frustration until I saw this. This is NOT ok. You need to ask for help, have your husband take over and remove yourself from the home until you get some help. I dont know where 'sat' is but in the US the kids would either be out of the home or the abusive parent would be until the authorities were satisfied that there was no danger.
Why do you say he is a monster? He is five.

- When I am angry to them, calling them names or saying horrible things makes me feel better, its like letting it out all my frustrations to them. But after that I felt guilty, I explained why I hit them (bad behavior) but never did I apologize to them. And the more I do harsh discipline, the more they become hard headed.

This is no different then a domestic violence situation where the man beats up the woman (or vice versa) and then apologizes to the abused one, explaining why they did it and how it wont happen again. Until it does happen again. Its a very sick cycle.

Now they are starting to grow up like me- impatient, saying terrible things with no regard or remorse, more aggressive, easily frustrated. I don't know how to end this cycle, I love them and I want them to grow as a loving , caring adult who knows how to control their emotions . When they went past the foundation years, whatever the behaviors they have will be carried on to adulthood. I do not want them to be like me.

Then you need to remove yourself from being their caregiver until you get some help. If you love them, you will do this.

I grew up in a normal family, not abusive. I was the eldest of four siblings, well loved by my parents. Want to give the same love to them but every time they push that button, I transform into a monster.

Need to control my emotions and my anger but HOW? :(:(
You may have a condition other than adhd going on and until you change this behavior by removing yourself from the home and getting help, the kids will suffer.

Flory
10-19-16, 10:05 AM
You need to get in contact with social services immediately this cannot go on I'm so sorry to be so blunt but you need to for your and your children's sake. This is completely unacceptable regardless of any circumstance

peripatetic
10-19-16, 10:26 AM
Need to control my emotions and my anger but HOW? :(:(

thank you for being brave and honest in posting this. i doubt you are the only person to read this forum who's in this position or a similar one...or has been at some point.

do you have a therapist or psychiatrist? i think a good first step would be to talk to a professional about how you can approach your children differently. there may also be social services available for anger management and child rearing classes.

i think what you're struggling with warrants some immediate help. you see this in your children and i appreciate that you don't want them to exhibit the same behavior and i'm glad you see that you need to get your own responses under control.

you need to talk to some professionals to do that. please seek some input and get into some treatment/classes to work through this. you might also consider some therapy for your children as they mature so they can process these experiences now. it's in everyone's best interest that this is nipped as quickly as possible and i feel like you know that. don't wait...make some phone calls today.

best wishes to you,
-peri

sarahsweets
10-19-16, 02:01 PM
The only reason I have stressed removal from the home is because its the only way I think you can gain insight and perspective and still keep the children safe.

Lunacie
10-19-16, 02:12 PM
I was so awful for awhile that my daughter wasn't sure whether to leave the kids with me while she went to work. She convinced me to start seeing a therapist for CBT and a psychiatrist for meds to treat my anxiety. Much better now for all of us. PLEASE get some help ASAP. :grouphug:


Oh, and your hubby needs some education and therapy himself to accept the very real medical condition that you have. You need his support.

It sounds like you work full time and are also home-schooling your children? I can't imagine being able to do all of that. Especially if you're not getting any support and understanding from your husband.

ginniebean
10-19-16, 05:05 PM
it is good that you recognise you have a problem you need help. Your children need you to get help. i can tell you my heart stopped at times reading what for you and your children is daily life. If you have adhd it does not mayter what others believe. You go get help for it, get medication get therapy. My children are in their thirties now and i assure you the pain of the guilt you feel never goes because they pay for our mistakes.

I do not want to condemn you ir judge you. You came here knowing already you need help, and your children need and deserve help too. Get it, you owe it to yourself and them. If you need encouragement come back.. We can help you get thru the process, we have lots of ideas. We have bih hearts. Peer support may help more than you can ever know.

good luck.

Cyllya
10-20-16, 03:41 AM
Were you like this prior to starting the Concerta? If these symptoms are new, stop taking the Concerta. You can try a different ADHD med.

Here's a concern: Depending on your jurisdiction, the way you're treating your children (hitting with a belt) may be illegal, and mental health providers are likely to be mandated reporters. Getting reported for child abuse could actually make it easier to get help, but it could also make things more difficult for you. The ideal tactic would be to talk to a lawyer ahead of time, but if that's not an option, don't let it hold you back from getting help. Your situation sounds extreme enough even if you don't tell the mental health provider about the illegal parts.

Got overwhelmed easily when both of them talks to me at the same time
He gets too frustrated easily,throw tantrums, and when I cannot control or calm him down, I get angry and hit him with a belt just to make him stop.
every time they push that button, I transform into a monster.

These parts of your post hit home for me because I've had similar problems in the past. I don't have kids, but I used to have severe rage problems, sometimes to the point of physically attacking my vulnerable loved ones. In my case, the problem turned out to be hypersensitivity. (It's not a recognized symptom, but a lot of people with ADHD have sensory issues.) Here is everything I know about coping with hypersensitivity in case that helps (http://cyllyathoughts.blogspot.com/2015/06/about-sensory-issues.html). Unfortunately, most of my coping techniques revolve around avoiding triggers, which is easier said than done. Still, it has been a big help to understand those problems: I believe it has been 19 months since I last felt enough rage to hit anything, and that one was an inanimate object.

Do you have impulse-control issues whenever you're not angry? If not, that's probably good news, because it means you have ONLY emotion problems rather than emotion problems AND impulse-control problems. (Pretty much anyone would have trouble controlling impulses if they were enraged enough; the difference is that most people don't get that angry in normal situations.) Despite the connection to sensory issues, ADHD itself doesn't normally have that kind of emotional unbalance, although ADHD symptoms could be causing stress that exacerbates the issue.

Whoever prescribed your Concerta may be able to provide medical help for impulse control or emotion problems. But besides that, psychotherapy (talk therapy, e.g. cognitive behavioral therapy) is likely to provide some assistance. A person's emotional health and your life experience can cause them to have some weird beliefs and misconceptions that they don't even recognize, and a therapist could help you recognize those and adjust your priorities. It's possible you are accidentally caring too much about things that you don't need to care about and it's causing you unnecessary stress. Some possible examples that came to mind from your post:

Why are you trying to teach your seven-year-old multiplication even when it's so miserable for both of you? A seven-year-old has zero need to know how to multiply. If the school you have him enrolled in wants him to learn how to multiply right now, the school should teach him. That is what school is for. If the school fails to teach him, that's the school's failure, but that's still okay, because he's seven years old.
It doesn't matter if your five-year-old has a tantrum and screams. You don't need to make him stop. (You may need to adjust the situation so that he doesn't damage objects or hurt himself or others, but it's okay if he makes a ton of noise, flails on the floor, hits things that won't be damaged, etc.) If the sound is physically painful for you, wear earplugs.


EDIT: I checked out some of your old posts (including the reply to this topic (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=165459)), which fuels my suspicion that Concerta may be causing or exacerbating your issues. Many people can take Concerta without any problems like that, but it's not for everyone. If you're not taking it every day, that could be the problem, rather than the med itself. If you got benefits without rage issues while you were at a lower dose, going back to the lower dose may be the solution. There are other ADHD treatments, so don't feel like your options are Concerta or nothing.

BellaVita
10-20-16, 04:50 AM
First: I want to say thank you for your honesty and for reaching out, not many people are willing to admit and talk about the things you did in your post or have the self-awareness that you have. The fact that you realize this needs to change is a big deal.

My parents did many of the things you wrote about in your post - I experienced pretty much all of that and more for 19 1/2 years of my life.

It became very dangerous for me to continue living there - and I had to escape miles and miles away - I am no contact with my parents.

I developed nightmares every night for 2 years straight after I moved out(still experience them just not every day), flashbacks of the abuse, near-constant hypervigilant state for quite a while after moving out(still experience it just not as strong), massive anxiety, depression, and more.

The more time that goes by, the more I realize just how harmful that environment was for me and I believe it has caused damage to my developing brain. I am healing, but it's a long journey. That stuff doesn't just reverse or go away overnight - especially since that all happened during my development years so it has left a huge impact.

Please - for the sake of your children growing up to not have to live with the things I've described in my post - get help asap. Even if it's the hardest thing you've ever done - it might not be too late to make sure your kids don't have permanent damage done to them.

They need to see a therapist and heal, while you get help separately.

Maybe even send them away to live with other non-abusive family for a year or two while you get the help you need.

If you want to have a relationship with your kids when they are old enough to realize how you treated them - then get help now. They might end up moving far away from you and never speaking to you again once they're adults if this doesn't get fixed immediately.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm just trying to emphasize how important it is to get this dealt with now before it's too late.

Caco3girl
10-20-16, 09:20 AM
It is a great thing to ask for help, it is not a great thing to be told by people on here to give up your kids. I mean come on...like it would be SOOO much better for the kids to be shuffled around "the system", come on people.

Removal from the home is not a good plan....neither is social services. My ex husband is much like you pynk, it isn't that you WANT to talk like this, it isn't with the intention of harming, it is a glitch within your brain that doesn't allow a stop between brain and mouth and at the time you think what you are saying is justified...it is only later that you realize what you have done.

I am not a doctor but what my ex husband realized was that he had several issues, ADHD just being one of them. What worked for him was a combination of ADHD drugs with anti-depressants. I won't say he's perfect now, he still comes off as not realizing what he just said is either harmful or insulting...but that is part of the social cues he is missing in his brain.

The best advice I can give is to ask your doctor about adding on a social anxiety medication, because what you are saying and doing isn't out of a cruel personality it is out of social cues being missing in your brain. The medicine doesn't stop that but it does give you an extra second to decide if you really want to say what you are thinking.

sarahsweets
10-20-16, 10:32 AM
It is a great thing to ask for help, it is not a great thing to be told by people on here to give up your kids. I mean come on...like it would be SOOO much better for the kids to be shuffled around "the system", come on people.
I know when I said removal from the home, I didnt mean social services or the "system".


Removal from the home is not a good plan....neither is social services. My ex husband is much like you pynk, it isn't that you WANT to talk like this, it isn't with the intention of harming, it is a glitch within your brain that doesn't allow a stop between brain and mouth and at the time you think what you are saying is justified...it is only later that you realize what you have done.
Im sorry but I respectfully disagree. What I meant by removal from the home, I meant she should willingly find someplace to reside, even if temporary while finding therapy, help, medical care, or even just a place to chill out. Its clear the Op struggles and its clear that being the caretaker is overwhelming for now. I dont mean she shouldnt see her kids or spend time with them, or be legally barred from them, or having some kind of supervision- I just mean that she has said she abuses them, whether or not she understands what she is doing or means it isnt the issue. The issue is the safety and wellbeing of the kids.
If an adult treated another adult in this exact way, it wouldnt matter if there was a good reason behind it. It would be domestic abuse. Letting the abuser remain with the victim, even while seeking help just isnt a healthy atmosphere.

I am not a doctor but what my ex husband realized was that he had several issues, ADHD just being one of them. What worked for him was a combination of ADHD drugs with anti-depressants. I won't say he's perfect now, he still comes off as not realizing what he just said is either harmful or insulting...but that is part of the social cues he is missing in his brain.

The best advice I can give is to ask your doctor about adding on a social anxiety medication, because what you are saying and doing isn't out of a cruel personality it is out of social cues being missing in your brain. The medicine doesn't stop that but it does give you an extra second to decide if you really want to say what you are thinking.

Fuzzy12
10-20-16, 10:56 AM
Nvm :)

Stevuke79
10-20-16, 11:36 AM
Pinky, as a fellow parent I think you are very brave and must love your children a whole lot to be strong enough to seek help.

I also am very impressed with how self aware you are. Many parents make the kinds of mistakes you are making. They are potentially very damaging to children, and most parents justify saying horrible things and name calling by calling it 'discipline'. Being able to see that you do it bc it makes you feel better is uncommon, impressive and a great start.

And the people who have said that you need to remove yourself from the situation, call child services or otherwise distance yourself from your children are completely out of their #/^%!@## minds!!! No one here is qualified to make that call. Nor do some of our members here seem to inderstand how traumatic that would ne for your children.

The very first thing you need to do, which is very hard for most parents, is talk to your therapist. I would also talk to your pediatrician. The goal speaking to them is to get a referal to a therapist who can help you deal with these things. A therapist for you and perhaps one for your children.

I think your children are very lucky to have such a self aware mom! Please keep us posted.

Good luck!!

Stevuke79
10-20-16, 01:17 PM
Also... sometimes i lose my temper and say or do things that i know i shouldnt. I yell, say hurtful things and I've even grabbed DD arm. I also twice gave her a rough push to move her along.

These things are abuse. They are wrong. But I don't think that DD would be better off if she were seperated from me.

BUT - I think the best part of how I handle those situations is I apologize. I say that I got frustrated but that doesn't make it right. (I don't want to teach her that someone elses 'behavior' is an excuse for being hurtful.)

And I know I'm doing a good job bc that time i grabbed her arm, she looked at me like "wt* are you doing dad??" ... she knew that me getting physical was f****ed up... so even if i dont always do the right thing, overall I'm teaching her the right message.

Tetrahedra
10-20-16, 08:21 PM
Thank you so much for seeking help! I grew up with a parent who behaved similarly to you (minus the belt), but the parent never saw the behavior as a problem. It's damaging to children to be in a situation such as this, and emotional abuse leaves hidden scars that last for years or perhaps lifetimes.

You need to find professional help immediately, and you and your husband both need therapy. He needs to recognize that ADHD is a real thing that affects you in horrible ways, and he needs to understand that some of this is beyond your immediate control and will take years of therapy to tackle. He needs to be supportive and similarly he needs to be supported as well. Watching his wife behave that way towards his children must be pretty tough on him, too.

If you cannot stop yourself from behaving in this way to your children while you wait for therapy, you need to temporarily remove yourself from the home. I know it might be awkward or uncomfortable, but for the sake of your children, put them out of harm's way. If you ever feel like you are going to hurt your children, please call 911.

Expect that your children may need a therapist now or in the future for themselves, even if you are able to successfully receive help for yourself. They're at an age where they're still figuring out who they are and how the world works, and they don't understand that mom is fighting demons she can't control.

sarahsweets
10-21-16, 02:15 AM
And the people who have said that you need to remove yourself from the situation, call child services or otherwise distance yourself from your children are completely out of their #/^%!@## minds!!! No one here is qualified to make that call. Nor do some of our members here seem to inderstand how traumatic that would ne for your children.
When someone is getting help for a problem, it is expected that they will have success and troubles implementing strategies while learning new behaviors-I believe thats normal. The OP might not be able to control herself during this process and in turn, the kids will still be exposed to the behaviors.
I am not advocating that any authorities get involved, or that contact be cut off. The is very overwhelmed and needs some time to herself and a break. Sleeping somewhere else without the burden of the kids 24/7 may help her overcome the abuse.

If the OP follows advice and talks to a doc or therapist, that will most definitely be involving authorities and the legal system will be forced to get involved.

OP-I see that you keep changing your location? Are you in the US?

Flory
10-21-16, 03:58 AM
No I'm Not "out of my f#Ä{Ä~^{!|^{?! mind" just concerned about all involved. My suggestion wasn't for children to be removed but at least here in the uk social services can help and put support systems in place for mothers/fathers having difficulties like this.

Something pretty urgent needs to happen as all seem to be at a breaking point.
The impact on both can be devastating ....f**k me though hey:)

Stevuke79
10-21-16, 08:58 AM
If the OP follows advice and talks to a doc or therapist, that will most definitely be involving authorities and the legal system will be forced to get involved.

No. Just no.

And even if it were the case, she needs to go to a therapist to make that call. Not an internet forum and not you.

And saying ridiculous things like that wont make someone feel inclined to get the help they need.

Flory
10-21-16, 10:15 AM
if no-one here is "qualified to make that call" I guess we just pretend it didn't happen right ? And that there isn't a mother and children in crisis? it shouldn't be a surprise that we are concerned about what is emotional and physical abuse of two young children and a clearly distressed and struggling mother some of us particularly are more reactive to that it doesn't make any of us out of our mind, just intolerant of abuse.

OP I wasn't wishing to be unkind I just think for all concerned you need to reach out to somebody and get some help. That you've acknowledged there's a problem is the first step and you're very brave for bringing it up here. Wish you the best

Stevuke79
10-21-16, 10:32 AM
I know you're concerned. So is the OP. Neither the OP nor anyone here is pretending it didnt happen. But to perscribe specidic drasti steps is ridiculous and arrogant.

I dont mean to be rude to you or to anyone, but we all get so workes up we forget there's a real person here... it's crazy to suggest they live apart from their child.. that's not our place.

The only responsible advice we can give her is to talk to a therapist about next steps.

I hope she does that.

Flory
10-21-16, 10:46 AM
I'll bite my tongue over the arrogant remark , righteous etc as I don't think I'm any of those things and I don't know if name calling at this stage is particularly helpful.

For Myself at least I was just reacting to what seems to be a very serious situation and meeting it with an equally serious solution. I didn't suggest abandoning her children or giving them away but certain services offer programmes to struggling families to get things right ....at least here in the UK anyway. (Wherever possible they try to keep biological families together and work with them through difficulties)

What do I know though I don't have kids :')

Stevuke79
10-21-16, 11:06 AM
I'll bite my tongue over the arrogant remark , righteous etc as I don't think I'm any of those things

I dont think u r either.
You also did not suggest she live away from her child, which was the suggestion that I thought was drastic and ridiculous.

For Myself at least I was just reacting to what seems to be a very serious situation and meeting it with an equally serious solution. I didn't suggest abandoning her children or giving them away but certain services offer programmes to struggling families to get things right ....at least here in the UK anyway. (Wherever possible they try to keep biological families together and work with them through difficulties)

What do I know though I don't have kids :')

I thought your suggestion was fine... though in the US i wouldnt suggest that a parent go right to protective services except in very particular circumstances. In the US, depending on what state, once CPS is involves they almost HAVE to do something to CYA, ... and since they only have certain solutions at their disposal... well.. you're denying yourself a broader array of solutions. I know in my area CPS acts kind of like a broad sword... one trick ponies.

A therapist will contact CPS if neccessary, but will also prepare the parent if that's also neccessary. And frankly, I think telling a parent that you need to be seperated from your child, in addition to being unlikely also makes it unlikely that they will seek help anywhere for fear of losing their children.

Which is why a therapist os likely to guide you through a slew of other options and only take drastic measures as a last resort.

I dont mean to criticize u... and the righteous remark wasnt directed at you. And i took it out, bc ur right, it helped nothing.

aeon
10-21-16, 01:34 PM
And the people who have said that you need to remove yourself from the situation, call child services or otherwise distance yourself from your children are completely out of their #/^%!@## minds!!!

Steve, my sense is that you didnít value what they said, but why did you choose to judge them?

I found it ironic given the subject of the thread.


Wondering,
Ian

Stevuke79
10-21-16, 02:04 PM
Steve, my sense is that you didnít value what they said, but why did you choose to judge them?

I found it ironic given the subject of the thread.

Wondering,
Ian

If the goal is for the OP to seek help for her and her child (people whom we presumably care for) the last thing you want to do is give the OP reasons to not get help or to fear getting help.

And once people in their suggestions give the OP reasons to fear getting help (CPS, seperation from children), if those suggestions are misguided and said not from a place of knowledge and concern but from righteousness and arrogance, there is value in letting the OP know just how ridiculous and unfounded those suggestions are.

Defusing the unfounded barriers to help is worthwhile.

aeon
10-21-16, 02:17 PM
If the goal is for the OP to seek help for her and her child (people whom we presumably care for) the last thing you want to do is give the OP reasons to not get help or to fear getting help.

And once people in their suggestions give the OP reasons to fear getting help (CPS, seperation from children), if those suggestions are misguided and said not from a place of knowledge and concern but from righteousness and arrogance, there is value in letting the OP know just how ridiculous and unfounded those suggestions are.

Defusing the unfounded barriers to help is worthwhile.

I agree with all of that, but you didnít answer my question.

And you have no obligation to do so...I am curious though.


Thanks,
Ian

Stevuke79
10-21-16, 02:38 PM
....why did you choose to judge them?

What i said actually was the answer, but i see how it was unclear.

My judgment was to argue and provide context for the OP to understand that they are wrong and that she may seek help without fear of somehow being told or forces to seperate from her family.

Little Missy
10-21-16, 03:03 PM
What i said actually was the answer, but i see how it was unclear.

My judgment was to argue and provide context for the OP to understand that they are wrong and that she may seek help without fear of somehow being told or forces to seperate from her family.

Whom are "they?"

The kind of help available other than immediate family would most probably separate them. You can't just go to a professional whomever and say outright what you are or have been doing to someone or anyone or any animal even without there being some serious intervention.

I am not aware of any privacy laws in this instance. In fact, I am almost certain that it must be reported.

Little Missy
10-21-16, 03:12 PM
There are what I call The Big Three and they are three questions asked by any mental health care professional or doctor when they believe there is something wrong going on.

If you answer "yes" to any of them you will be removed from anywhere at any time and quite unceremoniously.

Do you want to or have you harmed yourself?
Do you want to or have you harmed others?
Do you believe that you may harm yourself or others?

The other option is someone- either professional or family member- that can have you committed to the care of the state.

The OP is from another country and has changed her location three times now.
I believe that she most assuredly has understood the answers. I hope.

Stevuke79
10-21-16, 03:13 PM
Whom are "they?"

The people who said she shouldn't be living with her child.

The kind of help available other than immediate family would most probably separate them.

And now you're one of them. But like "them" you are wrong.

You can't just go to a professional whomever and say outright what you are or have been doing to someone or anyone or any animal even without there being some serious intervention.
I am not aware of any privacy laws in this instance. In fact, I am almost certain that it must be reported.

Then in those extreme cases (not likely here) let the professional report it.

Dont make her afraid to talk to someone.

Facepalm!!

Little Missy
10-21-16, 03:17 PM
The people who said she shouldn't be living with her child.



And now you're one of them. But like "them" you are wrong.



Then in those extreme cases (not likely here) let the professional report it.

Dont make her afraid to talk to someone.

Facepalm!!

Oh God, now I don't know if I'm wrong or not...:eek:

peripatetic
10-21-16, 03:19 PM
moderator more:

this thread is getting close to etiquette violations. i am not going to close it or cite anyone at this point, but be reminded to be respectful to each other and the thread starter.

also keep this thread on her topic. we have a member asking for advice, not side conversations or bickering. you can start your own thread to have ancillary discussions.

message me if you have questions. cheers, -peri

Stevuke79
10-21-16, 03:20 PM
I think some people here have scared the ever living %^$/ų◊# out of her.

Hence the change.

Good job guys!

There are what I call The Big Three and they are three questions asked by any mental health care professional or doctor when they believe there is something wrong going on.

If you answer "yes" to any of them you will be removed from anywhere at any time and quite unceremoniously.

Do you want to or have you harmed yourself?
Do you want to or have you harmed others?
Do you believe that you may harm yourself or others?

The other option is someone- either professional or family member- that can have you committed to the care of the state.

The OP is from another country and has changed her location three times now.
I believe that she most assuredly has understood the answers. I hope.

Little Missy
10-21-16, 03:24 PM
I think some people here have scared the ever living %^$/ų◊# out of her.

Hence the change.

Good job guys!

:( My first initial answer was ambiguously simple back on page one.

I'm sorry if I gave out too much information long afterward.

peripatetic
10-21-16, 03:27 PM
lets try this again.

Read my note above and if future posts arent in line with it this thread will be permanently closed and infractions issued. For now I'm closing it for an hour so people can take a step back.


alright folks, i'm re opening. please keep this to the thread starter's topic and be kind to one another. cheers, -peri

BellaVita
10-21-16, 10:59 PM
For what it's worth, I calculated the last possible post the OP would've read based on the time she logged off, and the last post she would've been able to read is ginniebean's post.
(Post #8)

So that means she hasn't even read most of the posts on this thread, hopefully she hasn't been scared off or anything.

OP - if you read this, know that this community is a supportive one and we hope you come back to vent/talk/ask questions etc.

ToneTone
10-23-16, 04:47 PM
Definitely time to get quickly to a therapist, a good one.

You say you grew up in a home without "abuse." Well, a lot of people can't see abuse in their own household ... and it doesn't take abuse to create a sense of rage. Frankly, all you need is a family that doesn't respect your feelings or puts enormous and unreasonable pressure on you and people can act out. Indeed I was reading not too long ago the neglect, emotional neglect, can be as bad as abuse.

There also may have been some abuse you suffered later in life that you are trying, most likely unconsciously, to ignore or cover up. Something like sexual assault or some deep grief.

Talk to your prescribing doctor--share all the you share here--and get to a therapist. The good news is that you have identified your issues here, which means working on them will be so much easier. Just my view, I don't think you need to remove yourself from your home immediately, but you do need to tell your children at some point that you're going to get help about your temper and your language. Trust me: they will respect you a lot and feel relieved and safe.

The trick is to acknowledge your problems without feeling such shame that you feel worthless as human being. The good news is that once you get to the source of all that anger, there is probably a ton of good and creative energy that you can start to unleash constructively in the world. It could be that someone talked to you the way you talk to your children ... and you're minimizing it.

One question you might consider: why haven't you given yourself the gift of counseling so far? To me, that suggests that you neglect yourself and neglect your own pain and your own feelings, which suggests some real issues in your family growing up--despite how "normal" they may seem. And BTW: lots of us grow up in homes that neglect us, ignore us, ignore our struggles and needs--and that neglect can be as devastating as abuse.

And yes, there was a great question about whether this all started after you began to take Concerta. I would have a bit of aggressiveness when I was taking Concerta, when the dose was high. It later declined, but the bottom line is to share this with your doctors. Don't worry about them trying to take your kids. They will try to help you.

Hang in there. Courage to you for sharing You've taken a huge huge positive step!

Tone

Stevuke79
10-23-16, 07:01 PM
^^^^^ This

pynkicecream
10-24-16, 05:48 AM
Dear All,

First, I want to thank all of you for the kind words most especially all your concern and worry about my well being and my children's. I am very grateful that I have found this community where I can share my similar sentiments and learn many things not just about my condition but others as well. And to all the members who responded to my post with their opinions, advices, encouragements, thank you. I didn't expect it will lead to some not so nice discussion that had caught moderator Peri's attention. Whether your views or advices are nice or harsh, that's fine, I respect that.

As there are a lot of post in this thread, it is kind of hard for me to reply one by one to you fellow members so I'll try to sum it up in one reply.

Here it goes:

Sarahsweets- I didn't mean calling my 5yo a monster because he is a horrible child, I am calling him that because I am a terrible mother and my treatment to him will make him a "monster" someday. Im sorry if you misunderstood it; it is hard for me to explain things most esp english is not my first language.

Moderator Peri- thank you for your concern and sharing your views and not closing this thread as this is very helpful.

Cyllya- I was also thinking that Concerta may have something to do with my issues. That med helps me with my impulse control most of the time but not "all the time".

So this few more information about me:

My geographical location is ofcourse, not in the US.

I am far away from my family, so separating from my children would mean sending them to my parents and give them the responsibility that I am supposed to be doing.

I am an expatriate of this country where the law against child abuse is not well developed yet and the healthcare services are commercialized. You have good health insurance (provided by employer), you get good health coverage in fancy hospitals. It is hard to find a doctor who is patient oriented, sincere in helping you and who would really listen to my symptoms and not ditch me easily by prescribing anti-depressants/ anxiety because his next patient is waiting already. I met one, a good doctor actually specializing in ADD but had to wait for 4 months or so to see her since she also has her clinic in Europe. For now, I am seeing one who continuously prescribing me this med and indirectly implying that there is no other cure/ therapy that can help me, except this drug.

I have a full time office job and have a house helper to look after my children who goes to school everyday. Leaving for work at 6am and arrives at around 630pm, I take my Concerta everyday at 9am and skip it during the weekends. There is not much stimuli in the office that annoys me or very seldom that I feel rage or be grumpy during this time.

Upon arriving home from a tiring commute, I do my mommy duties that includes making sure that they finish their dinner, do their homeworks and should sleep on time. Some little things that they cannot follow in between, or do, I get really upset. I cannot seem to accept things that happens beyond my control most especially when my kids know my do's and don'ts and yet they slip. Another observation of mine is whenever I get upset from the mistakes from my household (including the helper), I take it to my kids, that explains why sometimes, I say ugly things to them. These instances happens even during the weekends when I am off from Concerta.

Also, having a failing marriage adds up to my burdens. My husband doesn't and CANNOT accept (he said that clearly) my condition. That means, he will not go or will not be interested to try therapy or go in a session to know more about ADD.
Because of my impulsivity and lack of self-control, my inability to perform the duties that he expected from me as a wife and a mother plus a lot of careless mistakes in the past, he had lost respect on me. We (with no interest in common) started wrong in the first place and got married for the wrong reason and now with this ADD, I don't know how am I going to last.

Having said, with the way my husband deals with me, makes me feel inadequate, guilty, stupid and very angry. He seldom talks to me, and when he does, he only points out and criticize me for my mistakes. That, hurts me a lot and fuels my anger that I vent it to my kids. Instead of confronting him and tell what I feel, I let it out to the kids (whenever they upset me too) and made sure he sees it. It's like taking revenge to the wrong person. =( Am I making any sense here?

After I read some of your posts, I became a little calm in dealing with my kids. Trying this "See the JOY" in every little things around me and accept some that is beyond my control.

I also tried some parenting tactics to control them by making a deal such as finish your dinner quickly and will give you more time allowance in playing videogames and so far its working. Whenever they do silly mistakes, I correct them in a calmly manner,still raised my voice but atleast, the sudden rage or outburst is minimized. These are my observations for the past few days and hoping it will last a long time.

My search for the right doctor still continues, but for now, I am doing little affirmations and reading some mommy blogs that gives help and inspiration to struggling mothers like me and will (I guess) need to reconnect with my faith. I know my problems is more of a physiological or neurological , but those mentioned somehow helps me get by.

I positively hope that I get to find the right doctor who will help me manage my condition and uncover other issues associated with ADD., And I was thinking of getting off from Concerta because I do not want to be dependent on drugs for a long time., We all know that although those drugs helps us with our symptoms, it is still after all, a poison to our body.

Thank you all once again for being there..

pynkicecream
10-24-16, 06:47 AM
If you want to have a relationship with your kids when they are old enough to realize how you treated them - then get help now. They might end up moving far away from you and never speaking to you again once they're adults if this doesn't get fixed immediately.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm just trying to emphasize how important it is to get this dealt with now before it's too late.

My heart breaks while reading your post, it gives me a realistic picture of what my kids can become when they grow up if I continue these terrible treatments to them. And it is very possible that I might receive the same treatment when I get old and being taken care of by the same person I mistreated when they were younger. :(

ToneTone
10-24-16, 12:31 PM
Just a quick note on a smaller issue.

I reject categorically the claim that medications for ADHD are poison for our bodies. Are allergy medications poisons for our bodies? ... Are heart medications that keep people's hearts beating poison for their bodies? Are the eye drops I take for allergies poison to our bodies? Is toothpaste poison to our bodies?

I am worried that you are making such a claim in the middle of a crisis. It seems to me that your task right now is to use all the support you can get--emotional and medical--to get through this painful and difficult period. You describe a crisis. You want to get through this crisis without destroying yourself and destroying your family.

On the other hand, chronic stress IS poison for the body. The release of high levels of cortisol brought on by stres is poison for our bodies and our minds.

Impulsiveness brought on by ADHD is bad four our bodies and minds whether in car accidents or falls of various kinds.

Addictions that ADHD people are vulnerable to ... can be quite poisonous for the body and spirit.

Your partner's seeming dismissal of your condition is actually devastating to the spirit and the body. The stress and tension from being in a relationship like that can be horrible for the body and the brain.

Maybe some day research will show that stimulants produce some long-term damage ... even so, that damage has to be weighed against the long-term damage of ADHD and anxiety and depression and so forth.

Do you really need to do some extensive search for a doctor? Seems to me there is urgency here. Pick a doctor who is good enough and start there. If the doctor is bad, go find another. And get a reference for a counselor. This behavior seems more based on deeper issues that you to be deeply discussed in counseling than in ADHD per se.

Good luck.

Tone

Tetrahedra
10-24-16, 12:52 PM
Thanks for providing more information.

It sounds like you have issues going on outside of ADHD. Your unhealthy marriage is also impacting you significantly. If your husband can't accept that you have ADHD, would he still at least be willing to go to a marriage counselor? And if not, is divorce something that you two have talked about? Not saying it's an either-or thing, but what you just wrote about how he treats you is awful and I'd hate for you to continue to subject yourself to his emotional abuse if he's not willing to fix it. It's obviously impacting your children, too, because then you turn around and are mean to them. Plus they see the interaction between you and your husband, and they might get into their heads that that's the way they're supposed to behave when they become husbands later in life.

I highly suggest that you do research on emotional abuse. It sounds like you're in a tough spot with your therapy, so extra reading might be able to help you out. Maybe researching it will give you the power and confidence to take control of some of the finer details in life, which in turn will allow you to have a better relationship with your children. Unfortunately many people overlook emotional abuse as though it doesn't matter because it doesn't leave the same sort of scars as physical and sexual abuse. But it's still a dreadful thing, and you would benefit from learning more about how it impacts you and what you can change and what you can't.

Lunacie
10-24-16, 01:12 PM
Just a quick note on a smaller issue.

I reject categorically the claim that medications for ADHD are poison for our bodies. Are allergy medications poisons for our bodies? ... Are heart medications that keep people's hearts beating poison for their bodies? Are the eye drops I take for allergies poison to our bodies? Is toothpaste poison to our bodies?

I am worried that you are making such a claim in the middle of a crisis. It seems to me that your task right now is to use all the support you can get--emotional and medical--to get through this painful and difficult period. You describe a crisis. You want to get through this crisis without destroying yourself and destroying your family.

On the other hand, chronic stress IS poison for the body. The release of high levels of cortisol brought on by stres is poison for our bodies and our minds.

Impulsiveness brought on by ADHD is bad four our bodies and minds whether in car accidents or falls of various kinds.

Addictions that ADHD people are vulnerable to ... can be quite poisonous for the body and spirit.

Your partner's seeming dismissal of your condition is actually devastating to the spirit and the body. The stress and tension from being in a relationship like that can be horrible for the body and the brain.

Maybe some day research will show that stimulants produce some long-term damage ... even so, that damage has to be weighed against the long-term damage of ADHD and anxiety and depression and so forth.

Do you really need to do some extensive search for a doctor? Seems to me there is urgency here. Pick a doctor who is good enough and start there. If the doctor is bad, go find another. And get a reference for a counselor. This behavior seems more based on deeper issues that you to be deeply discussed in counseling than in ADHD per se.

Good luck.

Tone

:thankyou:

I was going to say the same thing about meds, but you beat me to it. ;)

And you picked up on something I missed, wasting time looking for the best doctor instead of getting started as soon as possible.

Something I did notice though, is the weekend medication breaks. Life isn't just work, work, work. It's just as important how things are going at home in the evenings and on weekends, and it sounds like the OP is making some very good changes there. Meds can help with making changes stick and making new skills last.

acdc01
10-25-16, 04:55 AM
Do you think divorcing your husband would help?

My mom had rage. Her rage only slipped to us on some occasions but when it did, the rage wasn't truly because of what trivial thing we were doing.. it was actually because of how my dad made her feel.

She didn't leave my father until we were adults. But still, her rage dropped sharply almost immediately after she left my dad and got anxiety medication.

I so wish she had done this earlier in life. People always say they stayed with the husband for the kids. Personally, I think kids are often better off when parents separate. You can always try a trial separation first if you wanted. As a warning, you might lose your kids to your husband though if you divorce so I'd contact a lawyer 1st.

sarahsweets
10-25-16, 05:55 AM
I want to say something before I comment further. OP, when I kept stressing removal from the home I did not mean you should be forced to leave, lose your children, be prevented from seeing them or anything like that. It was my fault for not explaining myself better. I meant removing yourself would be similar to sort of taking 'me' time. Not time as in massage or something, but a way to disengage and relieve some of the stress when dealing with the kids while you re-center and restructure so you can have more patience and tolerance. I thought it would be safer if you had family you could stay with, not all day or night, but for periods of time while you seek help. This was under the assumption that your husband could take over your work in caring for the kids.
I did NOT mean you deserve to lose your kids or be around them but I guess I wasnt clear and admittedly fired up over my concern for those kids.

Now that you gave shed light on the husband situation, I can see that this is not possible. I agree with the others that he is emotionally abusive, disconnected, uninvolved and a toxic person to live with. Your kids will definitely pick up on the underhanded criticism that you get from your husband, and the tension and they can internalize this as if it is their fault. Especially because you turn to them when you are upset with him. This can lead to self blame and feeling responsible for mom and dad not getting along.

it seems like your husband is not interested in taking an active role in your marriage and childcare. I think its time to separate if you want my opinion, but only you can decide if this is right for the family. I can tell you that emotional abuse scars just as much as physical abuse, sometimes more so. I was able to get past some of the physical stuff for myself but it was the emotional and mental stuff that became my purple heart badge.