View Full Version : I need to rant a bit about my inability to choose a career


adhdseeker
10-28-16, 04:49 AM
Ever since I was young I feared having to choose a direction or career in life. I had passions that I thought I wanted to do but there was this scary feeling of being independent that I still have to this day that prevented/s me from ever pursuing one.

I don't feel like I know how to rise the ranks and be somebody. Do I want to do that? Do I want to strive and stress? I don't know, I don't think so, but I also know I almost have a masters and I'm almost 30 and I'm working as a cashier at a grocery store for $9.90 an hour. Someone was advising me and was asking if I had considered getting a PhD to become a university professor and teach Buddhist philosophy (yes that is an interest of mine). I love philosophy and Buddhism, too, but I said no. Because I am afraid of the work and commitment. And while I loved the learning aspect of school, a part of me felt disconnected while doing it and Iím tired now.

I want to be apart of a community, I want to be a part of something LARGE. I feel like I am going to watch my friends start their passions and I will be left behind because I haven't chosen anything. I so often feel adrift. I want to be a part of some large cause so I can transcend my alone-ness and merge with something bigger. If I had "big responsibilities" that required serving others in a big way (a professor I think would fall under this category), maybe it would take away that feeling? Or am I fooling myself? Maybe I really am contented working my small job and having less pressure.

I just donít want to be passed by and regret later. Iím so good at postponing important decisions and making do with some inner world facsimile. Maybe if I was willing to work hard I'd get a PhD but I am tired of going through the school system. At this point I just want a break, do the least amount possible so I can rest and work on other aspects of myself. Will I regret not having made a definite path when I am 40?

Not making a choice IS making a choice, and that freaks me out. I just take it day by day, and day by day I donít consider long term but only short term and day by day my future remains unplanned and passing. I donít like that I have felt this ever since I was young. Itís never changed and I fear it never will.

If anyone happened to read all of this, can you relate?

*Long ramble* I wanted to vent somewhere so I appreciate that this place exists. Thanks.

adhdseeker
10-28-16, 04:52 AM
I take my life too seriously. Other people are more relaxed and chill and have fun with what they choose but I continually think and question and ponder. Thinking practically is so hard for me. It's like my concentration can't take it. I don't know how to explain it. I'm more comfortable in the abstract. Bleh.

john2100
10-28-16, 07:32 AM
Maybe you already have an answer in you , you just need to find a way to get it out. If someone came to you because they knew that you have knowledge of Buddhism and philosophy , and the person asking for help had identical problems to yours ,what would you advice them based on your extensive knowledge of Buddhism and philosophy?

adhdseeker
10-29-16, 07:28 AM
Who said "extensive knowledge"? Honestly, if I thought they were built like me (personality wise, tendencies, whathaveyou) then I wouldn't know. I really wouldn't know what to say. I'd stand there and try to say something that wouldn't make my inner cynicism come out and sound like an ***.

adhdseeker
10-29-16, 08:21 AM
This might not be contributing, but I just read this blurb on type 4 (my personality type) and I think it fits: I don't want to commit to a bunch of years of school or any other "just focus on this" kind of work because it feels cramping. But who knows if that cramping is a dawdling dream-word or something worthy fighting for (something that actually contributes).


LeaderType 4: The Seeker (Under Stress: The Hermit)

As the names suggest, when at their best, and at their worst (in “shadow”), this Leader is a lone wolf. They are driven by the need to seek greater insights (about themselves, others, and the world), to turn them into something tangible, and to feel their feelings along the way. The Type 4 leader counts on their intuition and what their heart tells them as readily as other types might refer to a spreadsheet or business plan. If a proposal or project doesn’t “feel” right to them, give it up, dude, because it’s not going to happen.

Typically a Type 4 leader is in the corner office when the organization sprung from their own vision / need to create or reinvent something. As is said about artists, they don’t make art because they’re satisfied with the world as is—rather, they create from their dissatisfaction with the status quo, which they resolve by delivering their unique vision or creation to the world.

While in positions of leadership, do not ask the Type 4 to be steady-hand-on-the-tiller managers. Indeed, if they land in a non-creative role for any length of time, they will tend toward isolation and depression.

More often than not, this type of leader is better suited to create vision and to build something than they are to running it. Create it, and move on, please. Many are great artists, composers, filmmakers, and the like—struggling to minimize the need to fit themselves into someone else’s idea or vision of how things should be. They are fiercely individualistic.

The Seeker becomes the Hermit when stressed in specific ways. For example, a very negative work environment, a failure of their vision to be realized, having to be in an uncreative role, or forced into the mold of another. I say “hermit” because they will hunker and bunker, becoming paralyzed / angry /disappointed /ashamed / depressed and isolated – and much of that will be focused on themselves. In such situations they need time to “figure things out” and will do whatever they can to make that happen, whether it’s an hour, a month, or years.

At his or her best, a Type 4 leader brings to the table tremendous creativity, vision, integrity, emotional intelligence, humor, and a deeply intuitive gift for what’s needed to make the world – or an organization – a better place. They tend toward greater self-awareness than others, which means they learn, and are true to themselves and what’s meaningful to them. Most importantly, at their best, the Seeker can translate a vision into something that we can all value, which feeds their soul, even as it gives something to all of us.

adhdseeker
10-29-16, 08:26 AM
Okay last post for today, but... I just came across this post from 2012 that someone else wrote. What do you think of it? Does this fit you?

There isn't a book that'll tell you what to do...

Maybe the first thing to do is forget the idea of having a conventional "career"

the second is to really try and complete whatever training it is you do.

Life is full of things which are a grind for a while.... and sometimes what looks like the perfect job becomes hell because there's a bully for a boss.

I think that people who appear to have careers don't realise that luck has played a huge part in it.... coupled with their ability to do the same thing day in day out for 20 year and be nice to nasty people.

If you have ADD get relaxed to the idea you might not have a conventional career. Best to go out there and ask friends for a job... try a few.... I'd say it's a myth that people can choose a career in their 20's that will suit them until their 60's.... particularly if you're ADD.

I've found 5 year "careers" suit me... and within those 5 years there are often 2 themes running, one in summer, the other in winter.

For me things fell apart when I became a father and tried to have a "normal" career (in financial IT)....

24 is young... go out and do things that look fun, work hard for short periods.... and see what happens... success is often borne of chance meetings.

kilted

Little Missy
10-29-16, 09:01 AM
Do you feel an extreme urgency to do so?

adhdseeker
10-31-16, 04:37 AM
Do you feel an extreme urgency to do so?
Not really, but that's what's worries me. I'm not sure I ever have and fear I never will. I'll just drift along and miss my chance because I wasn't aware of the conventional signs telling me I ought to be concerned. Is this just anxiety talking? How does one know?
And thanks for responding. Also, thanks for your active presence on here. I see you comment on many peoples' posts and I guess I interpret that as rather caring of you. :)

FinallyDxed!
11-07-16, 10:28 PM
Ever since I was young I feared having to choose a direction or career in life. I had passions that I thought I wanted to do but there was this scary feeling of being independent that I still have to this day that prevented/s me from ever pursuing one.

I don't feel like I know how to rise the ranks and be somebody. Do I want to do that? Do I want to strive and stress? I don't know, I don't think so, but I also know I almost have a masters and I'm almost 30 and I'm working as a cashier at a grocery store for $9.90 an hour. Someone was advising me and was asking if I had considered getting a PhD to become a university professor and teach Buddhist philosophy (yes that is an interest of mine). I love philosophy and Buddhism, too, but I said no. Because I am afraid of the work and commitment. And while I loved the learning aspect of school, a part of me felt disconnected while doing it and Iím tired now.

I want to be apart of a community, I want to be a part of something LARGE. I feel like I am going to watch my friends start their passions and I will be left behind because I haven't chosen anything. I so often feel adrift. I want to be a part of some large cause so I can transcend my alone-ness and merge with something bigger. If I had "big responsibilities" that required serving others in a big way (a professor I think would fall under this category), maybe it would take away that feeling? Or am I fooling myself? Maybe I really am contented working my small job and having less pressure.

I just donít want to be passed by and regret later. Iím so good at postponing important decisions and making do with some inner world facsimile. Maybe if I was willing to work hard I'd get a PhD but I am tired of going through the school system. At this point I just want a break, do the least amount possible so I can rest and work on other aspects of myself. Will I regret not having made a definite path when I am 40?

Not making a choice IS making a choice, and that freaks me out. I just take it day by day, and day by day I donít consider long term but only short term and day by day my future remains unplanned and passing. I donít like that I have felt this ever since I was young. Itís never changed and I fear it never will.

If anyone happened to read all of this, can you relate?

*Long ramble* I wanted to vent somewhere so I appreciate that this place exists. Thanks.


I ABSOLUTELY relate.:grouphug:

ginniebean
11-07-16, 11:51 PM
What area is your masters in? If you mentioned it I missed it. If it's in the social sciences. Google up what the potential jobs might be.

dvdnvwls
11-08-16, 02:18 AM
You already are somebody.

There's no such thing as being left behind.

Whatever you end up doing, it will probably be hard, so don't judge just by that. - In what ways will it be hard? - Will it be worth it?

anonymouslyadd
11-11-16, 10:46 PM
I can feel your pain. I have a full-time job that requires much of my attention but have my eyes set elsewhere in a different field.

I cannot do both. The learning curve for the new job seems great, and if I want to improve, I'll have to spend extra time learning about the industry.

We really need to figure out our strengths and then move into that direction. We won't get everything we want, but we can get many things.