View Full Version : ADD...and Depression?


silentknifez
10-31-16, 04:23 PM
Never thought I would ever make an account on a forum like this and post about my feelings. I guess it's the ritalin working. No, I know it's the ritalin.

I wanted to write a short post but I ended up typing a whole freaking essay. I hope some people can give me further insight into my ****** up self. Please pardon me for the profanity I use but it's the way I talk and it just comes across better in my opinion.

Backstory:

Due to repeatedly bad grades at my university I got myself checked for ADD. They used some methods which included neurotic feedback therapy and QEEG to determine whether I had ADD or not. The psychiatrist told me it was clear I had ADD. This made sense as I'm a pretty smart person (Not trying to sound arrogant here) but I was struggling to focus on studying. All my years through school up to university were easy and I passed without studying much or at all because my memory is really good and I'm a quick learner. The schools I went to were pretty good aswell. When I was a kid they told me to take IQ tests to check if I had 'Intellectual giftedness'.

When I graduated from high school I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I don't have much interests in life so I chose civil engineering at the KUL because it would give me a broad education so I could still take a lot of routes in my future life. However my grades were absolutely ****. I literally did nothing throughout the year and then tried to study all of it for the first time in the exams period. Dumb, I know. I would go to classes the first semester but I don't remember anything from it, which is weird because I have a really good memory. The results didn't bother me too much because I don't know really... I just didn't give a **** about school anymore since I was 16. I just did what I had to do and get a diploma because that's what everyone expects you to do and I understand it's necessary. Like I said, nothing really interests me much (anymore).

The second semester I only went to a few classes because I already understood now that I couldn't focus for **** in class. I just wanted to study my subject material by myself because I couldn't pay attention in class anyway. This didn't change anything because I ended up just procrastinating again till the exam period came and I failed miserably once again.

In the meanwhile throughout the year I did nothing. I was bored as **** all day long. Even when I didn't go to class for weeks I just didn't end up doing anything else. I would just NOT study but not do anything 'fun' instead. I barely came outside either. People mostly fail their courses because they went partying to much or because they weren't capable enough to do it but for me that was not even the case. I just didn't do **** all day long. I didn't have much energy to do anything either. I did my year over again with only the courses that I didn't pass (Which was all of them except 4). The same thing just happened again, while my friends saw it happening because that year I lived in a student house with them because I thought it would motivate me. I failed miserably once more. However for the 2nd semester I felt like I did quite alright but still failed everything. My grades were better but still not good enough.

A friend told me to get me checked for ADD, which I did. So it turned out
I have a quite severe form of ADD. The first time on ritalin I could literally cry because I've never been able to study and focus properly ever in my life. It just so happened that I was smart enough to pass high school without studying much so I didn't have any problems.

My re-examination period was ALOT better and I passed 3 out of the 7 exams I took and I only BARELY failed the other 4. The main reason for that is because I didn't get the extra time to fill in my exam which people with ADD normally get. I didn't get it because I only knew about my ADD right before the exams started and you have to 'apply' months on beforehand to get the 'benefits' as a 'student with a limitation'.

However one of the side effects is suicidal thoughts. When I went to sleep after I took ritalin that day I started to really think about some dark things. The thing is I've actually had suicidal thoughts in the past, but I guess the ritalin triggered the thoughts even more. I would never ever ACTUALLY commit but I just think about it alot. My mother told me I should always tell her if there were side effects so we could tell that to the psychiatrist. One evening I just felt really bad after not taking my 2nd dose for the day so that night I told my mother about the suicidal thoughts and I cried my eyeballs out while telling her because I was so scared of the reaction.

My mother told me she suffers from chronic depression (Dysthymia) and has been on medication for several years now. She doesn't know much about it but she was just prescribed sertraline by her doctor and she says she feels alot better ever since.

Now to the actual point of this thread...


Like I said at the beginning of this post the ritalin has some effects which make me feel really good about myself. I feel less 'scared' and 'watched' in public, I talk more to people and I am more open. On top of that I feel like I actually WANT to do things for the first time in a long *** time. I actually have the energy to go outside and get **** done or do stuff. I actually WANT to study and pass my courses. I want to play video games again and they excite me again (It used to be pretty much my only interest in life). I also start thinking about things that I've always wanted to do but never bothered with. Like skateboarding. I always wanted to try and learn how to skate but I just couldn't be bothered. When I took my ritalin I was literally on the verge of purchasing a skateboard. Life suddenly becomes really fun and not as 'useless' as I always think it is.

Normally I don't really go outside that much because I don't see the point and because it costs me alot of energy. My friends always tell me to go outside more but I just laugh it off all the time because they don't understand how much energy it takes for me to do that. I just feel really tired all the time. Doesn't matter how much sleep I get. Being tired all the time can be caused by a lot of things. I've taken blood tests for thyroid levels and other possible causes. I've changed beds. I had a deviated septum which caused me to be barely able to breathe through my nose which I got fixed but it didn't fix my tiredness. I bought an 'air purifier' for dust etc because I'm allergic. Didn't do anything either.

I'm pretty much self diagnosing myself right now but I was curious whether the effects from ritalin are normal or that I may infact have an underlying problem that is 'fixed' when I take my ritalin (so by that I mean depression). Even though my mother is suffering she doesn't really think I have the same thing, although it's generally well known for depression to run in families, so I haven't told the psychiatrist about this (yet). But like I said she doesn't know much about it so it's not like she is not allowing me to get myself checked, she would definitely tell me to get it checked if I really wanted to.

I'm just kind of scared that my psychiatrist will just write it off as a side effect of the ritalin. My mom has tried to tell our 'regular' doctor about it (they aren't specialised in mental disorders like a psychiatrist is) but the doctor just kind of ignored it. I know the dark thoughts are indeed a side effect but when I was thinking about the past years I also had them when I wasn't even taking it yet and when I wasn't even diagnosed with ADD.

I never even had the thought of me having 'ADD' or 'depression'. I just kind of knew since I was a child I was different than other people. Like I knew something was wrong with me, but I just didn't really know what was.
It wasn't ever really a problem up until now. I'm quite often looking up information about mental disorders and it just really seems like I fit into some of them. It's not like I base this off of one 'situation'. I told you the story about my 'university career' but the 2 years before that I was already kind of like that. It's not the grades that are doing this to me. It's just life in general.

Now I came to the end of this essay I don't really remember why I'm writing this. Like what am I trying to achieve here exactly. It's the ritalin wearing off again. I guess I just pretty much want someone to tell me to get myself checked for depression. I became so curious about the medication due to ritalin having these effects on me. If ritalin is doing that then what would antidepressants do for me if I do infact have depression?


I'm done writing for now but I could add so much more to my story. I just don't know if anyone really cares lol

Greyhound1
10-31-16, 08:28 PM
Many times untreated ADHD can lead to depression, anxiety and other comorbid conditions. In my case treating my ADHD has been the best treatment for my anxiety and OCD as well.

I tried anti-depressants and anti-anxiety for over 12 years and they provided no benefit and only side effects. I gave up and stopped all medication and doctors for 3 years and just planned on having to live this way. Years of trial and error treatments hadn't helped at all.

Finally, I decided to go back to a Dr. just for a check up. We talked about my failed past medical treatment and her first question was if I had ever been evaluated for ADHD.

I was shocked but got evaluated and then diagnosed with ADHD. Adderall greatly improved my anxiety greatly by slowing down my racing mind.

Hopefully, by treating your ADHD your depression will improve as well.

Welcome to the forum and best wishes!

Pilgrim
10-31-16, 11:09 PM
This is just my experience,

Depression was prevelant in my family and it affected everyone in my family to one degree or another.
I was ok till I left home went to uni and the wheels fell off.

I was almost phobic of going outside because I was depressed, fair skinned, vain and just plain scared
Get into the habbit of having a regular exercise program , and if you want to succeed , stick to it, that's what I think.
The meds will not permanently change anything, but while there working you will be able to focus and concentrate longer.
It has been described to me that ADD ' is a bit like a loose guitar string '.
If you can, some type of therapy might be the way to go, good luck on your studies.

sleepingsea
11-03-16, 11:29 PM
I am going through a similar phase. I had ADHD in my childhood. I had therapy and was able to control, but I had the problems of depressions. Now, I am in a latter stage of depression. I don't know whether any therapies can help. I going to undergo a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) from next week. I hope this can help. The main problem with depression is that we will never know we are in one until it's late. Wish you all the best.