View Full Version : Help! Boyfriend lost his hyperfocus on me after I've been initiating texts & invites


PizzaPastaCoke
11-04-16, 12:57 AM
My boyfriend(with ADHD) and I (non-ADHD) have been seeing each other for several months. At the beginning, he would always text me and sometimes ask me what I'm up to, tells me that he misses me, etc. Soon, I began texting him first and would initiate meeting up. That's when the text conversations from him stopped but when we would see each other everything seems to be fine. Then one day he snapped at me and told me that he feels suffocated and needs his space. So I stopped texting him first and eventually he started to text me first again and he apologized for getting mad at me. He told me he's been having rough days. I decided to stop texting him first and when that happened, he would text me first but inconsistently.... things weren't the same when it comes to texting.
However, when we're together, everything seems to be just fine. We have fun, everything is great. But when we're not together, he seems distant so I worry.

I hope someone can shed some light into this and give me some advice on what to do. Thank you.

Jeftheginger
11-04-16, 01:06 AM
Mood swings and stuff
so it is
better talking in person
Less sense of identity on phone
Talking in person is always better but especially in ADD stuff.
Sounds like a good solution is to get closer to him so that you can see him more.

sarahsweets
11-04-16, 04:49 AM
I think the problem is you are putting too much faith in texting.

PizzaPastaCoke
11-04-16, 05:26 AM
I think the problem is you are putting too much faith in texting.


I think you are correct. I should not equate his interest for me by his number of text messages.

However, I still do not know whether I should initiate contact or let him do it instead :(

Fuzzy12
11-04-16, 07:17 AM
I think you are correct. I should not equate his interest for me by his number of text messages.

However, I still do not know whether I should initiate contact or let him do it instead :(

I think.if you want to text him you should be able to do so. Just don't expect a reply text at least not immediately. I'm notorious for not replying or not returning calls. it doesn't necessarily mean I don'tike the person or am not interested in them. it's just something I'm bad at.

Anyway I think. When you feel.like texting him go.ahead and let him text when he feels.like texting you..

dvdnvwls
11-04-16, 09:34 AM
Get used to him the way he really is instead of how you think things are supposed to go. In any relationship with a person who has ADHD, you have to start by throwing away your expectations and learning who this person really is. If you turn out to be happy with that, good.

If you start out with standard expectations, he will break them all.

If you're one of the people who really needs the standard expectations met and can't live with anything else, then don't get involved with anyone who has ADHD.

BellaVita
11-04-16, 11:34 AM
Get used to him the way he really is instead of how you think things are supposed to go. In any relationship with a person who has ADHD, you have to start by throwing away your expectations and learning who this person really is. If you turn out to be happy with that, good.

If you start out with standard expectations, he will break them all.

If you're one of the people who really needs the standard expectations met and can't live with anything else, then don't get involved with anyone who has ADHD.

This is brilliant. :goodpost:

sarahsweets
11-04-16, 02:05 PM
I should have clarified my texting answer before. What I meant more was relying on text messages as a main way of communicating IMO is not the way to have meaningful, back and forth communication. People dont always pay attention to texting, (how many times have you done it while doing something else?), people can ignore the texts and put them off, and people can misread and get the wrong idea from things in writing then via conversation. And I am not anti-smart phone- I love mine. This is just how I feel about relationships of importance and texting.

Daydreamin22
11-04-16, 02:33 PM
Breathe. Stay calm outwardly and stay in control of your emotions. Guys like when girls can stay in control of their emotions. Focus on doing positive productive things in your life. Keep doing all the things that he likes and being a good gf and just keep telling yourself he's not on his way out the door.

Aside from that, communicate and go to helpguide.org for help on ADHD relationships. It's a Harvard/NIMH site that is really helpful/ethical.

marygates
12-07-16, 02:48 PM
I think you are correct. I should not equate his interest for me by his number of text messages.

However, I still do not know whether I should initiate contact or let him do it instead :(

Hey girl I feel you!!, My bf is the exact same, sometimes I don't even feel loved by him, he also can seem distant at times, and the insecurity starts to bite me in!

I also have the same issues with text messages, I prefer him to initiate text , but sometimes I don't know whether I should initiate,

What characteristics do you see in him, just to check if my bf and me and in a similar situation!?

Socaljaxs
12-07-16, 07:13 PM
My boyfriend(with ADHD) and I (non-ADHD) have been seeing each other for several months. how long have you known him? Also several months =How long exactly 2 months 3 months,4 months?

At the beginning, he would always text me and sometimes ask me what I'm up to, tells me that he misses me, etc. Soon, I began texting him first and would initiate meeting up. That's when the text conversations from him stopped but when we would see each other everything seems to be fine. Then one day he snapped at me and told me that he feels suffocated and needs his space. So I stopped texting him first and eventually he started to text me first again and he apologized for getting mad at me. He told me he's been having rough days. I decided to stop texting him first and when that happened, he would text me first but inconsistently.... things weren't the same when it comes to texting.
However, when we're together, everything seems to be just fine. We have fun, everything is great. But when we're not together, he seems distant so I worry.
I bolded and underlined the part that I'm my opinions is really the most important part... which is his actions and interaction when you are together. When you're together it's good and you two are connected and I'm assuming when you two get together, you aren't questioning his interest. Correct?

Is it possible that a past relationship or even several past relationships, may be what is causing this fear, doubt and concerns in your current relationship?

I know for myself and many others, (which includes all genders and types of relationships, not just limited to romantic type relationships), it's very common to have issues come up, that stem from a person's pasts(examples of just a few common issues=fears,doubts, trust issues, over-analyzing, negative body/self image etc). That get transferred and placed in current relationships. Sometimes it is easy to see this pattern sometimes not so much. If for example (just throwing an idea out there) the lack of text started shortly before an ending of a relationship it can be Something that is causing this fear for you.

Get used to him the way he really is instead of how you think things are supposed to go. In any relationship with a person who has ADHD, you have to start by throwing away your expectations and learning who this person really is. If you turn out to be happy with that, good.

If you start out with standard expectations, he will break them all.

If you're one of the people who really needs the standard expectations met and can't live with anything else, then don't get involved with anyone who has ADHD.
:goodpost::thankyou: I can't rep you I tried, but if I could I would :) this is wonderful advice! I would just include that it is not limited to a person with ADHD but to everyone. Placing expectations onto another person can and often will results in getting let down and hurt.

Lunacie
12-07-16, 08:07 PM
Breathe. Stay calm outwardly and stay in control of your emotions. Guys like when girls can stay in control of their emotions. Focus on doing positive productive things in your life. Keep doing all the things that he likes and being a good gf and just keep telling yourself he's not on his way out the door.

Aside from that, communicate and go to helpguide.org for help on ADHD relationships. It's a Harvard/NIMH site that is really helpful/ethical.

I'm not sure how to say this ... but this sounds like advice from those social films
we used to watch in school back in the 50's and 60's. :faint:

If guys don't like to date people who have emotional reactions, they should be
dating other guys. ;)

How about finding things they can enjoy together, or sharing their interests:
this week she'll do what he enjoys and next week he'll do what she likes.
She doesn't have to sublimate her own interests to maintain the relationship.
:eyebrow:

Little Missy
12-07-16, 09:57 PM
Nobody loves a Klingon.

Little Nut
12-13-16, 08:17 PM
May not be ADHD. May just be personality type.....just a thought.

...btw Thank God for women. They put up with guys that are clueless when it comes to communicating their emotions.

Writergirl
03-25-17, 11:43 AM
I know I'm resurrecting this but my question is, can this change over time? So in the beginning, we texted all the time. This was before either of us knew he had ADHD. He initiated, I initiated, it was a great flow. Not too much during the day to where it was overkill, but enough to know what was going on in each other's lives. (we didn't see each other much during the week because I have kids). Of course he would still disappear occasionally.

So fast forward to me moving 3 hours away, and both of us dealing with that. Neither of us are huge phone talkers, we only called if something cool happened. He started filling his time with friends and social activities, he said it was his way of dealing with me being gone. But with that the texting subsided a bit. Then he was diagnosed with ADHD and all of a sudden it was super hard for him to text me. Since we only see each other once a month, it was a our main form of communication. Calling happens only when something cool happened. Like I said, neither of us like to talk on the phone.

We've talked about it here and there, and I just don't understand why his behavior would be different from the beginning. He always had ADHD, we just didn't know what it was. He did tell me he's just in his head, trying to deal with this (I mentioned that in the other post), and the other day I mentioned he was more quiet. He said now that he knows what it is, and has experienced the meds, the ADHD feels ten times worse and he's really struggling. This week has been the worst and I asked about him being so quiet, and he said he ran out of meds.

But it's still hard for me to comprehend that he was attentive and engaged back before he was diagnosed without the meds, but now that he knows, he's worse?He's still the same person... Does it have to do what the hyper focus thing and not being hyper focused on me anymore? Maybe he's hyper focused on his diagnosis and it's consuming his brain? Is it more to do with him conscious of it now and sort of freaking a bit still? And I hate that I keep bringing it up because I don't want to annoy him. I know he's struggling, it's just hard for me to understand that change. My anxiety brain tells me when there is a significant change in the amount of communication he's about to break up with me (because that is what has happened in the past). I really don't think thats the case but I honestly don't know what to think anymore.

And then I just wonder, does he think about me during the day? Before, it seemed he did. He would send me pictures, memes, tell me about his day, what he told his parents, thoughts on whats going on in the world etc...and I would too. But now it's almost nothing. Just replies to what I send him, and those are hours apart. So is this type of change common when one finds out about ADHD and all? I feel like I should be patient and just let him work through it with his therapist and hope that he will come back to me. If he never communicated through text, it would be one thing. But that's not how it was. And I definitely expect a certain amount of disappearing since he's always done that. And I know I have to throw expectations out the door, it just throws me off since there's been a change...

dvdnvwls
03-25-17, 04:18 PM
Yes, it can change like that.

In your particular situation, I'm with the people who are saying please give up trying to text about relationship things, and replace it with talking in real life.

His mind does not work the way yours does. You aren't going to know his thoughts like you're expecting - it's not going to happen. You said you get it about giving up your expectations, but that shows you don't get it yet. Really drop all expectations, don't think that because you're in a relationship with him that he should do certain things or think certain things. Don't expect him to initiate, not even sometimes. Don't expect consistency. Don't expect ANYTHING. Just learn him, and let him learn you, and see if you're both happy.

The thing about ADHD is that we do not make sense. That is very difficult for some people to deal with. If you keep on trying to get him and his ADHD to make sense, you will just fail, over and over. Some women will never be happy with a guy who doesn't make sense and never will, and if you might feel that way, then it's important for you to do some soul-searching.

dvdnvwls
03-25-17, 05:47 PM
I neglected the fact that you live three hours away - sorry.

I do get stuck inside myself, especially under stress. And when someone is not "in my face" (perhaps because they're three hours away), I easily lose contact.

Stress is more... stressful, for me - or so it seems. I've heard it said that people without ADHD have stress levels ranging from 0 to 100, where 0 is nothing and 75 is getting pretty hard to deal with, while those of us with ADHD pretty much have a base level of 95, and what you see as him looking "stressed out" is more like a 99.5, which you have probably not experienced more than a few times in your life.

Writergirl
03-25-17, 07:14 PM
Thank you, thank you dvdnvwls! Yes I think you're right. I think I need to learn more about him and the ADHD and about the expectation thing. I think I just don't understand it. But I want to. But I'm not there yet. Change is extremely difficult for me so that's an added thing. And it's hard because you go along this routine of it being this one way, and then it does a complete 180 and it messes with you. (me). I messaged my therapist back home and she does Skype sessions. She knows me so I think i'll go with that. I think I need that as well.

So should I just keep doing what I'm doing? Talk to him like usual (even tho its sometimes like talking to a brick wall)? Should we try to talk more on the phone or FaceTime? I really feel like dealing with this would be so much easier if i was still down here. We DID talk more in real life before I moved. We both preferred that. But we only get to see each other about once a month now.

dvdnvwls
03-25-17, 07:46 PM
Why talk to a brick wall?

I don't know him, but if I don't answer you, it's because I'm not ready to participate in a conversation. If anybody thinks I'm ignoring them, well, they're exactly right.

That's not the problem. The problem is that the next thing people do is make up reasons why I might be ignoring them. Expectations. Expectations that if I ignore your text then I must not like you; expectations that if I ignore your call then I don't want you to call tomorrow; expectations that I DO want you to call tomorrow; just, expectations. Stop with the expectations. Stop knowing why he did things. Stop knowing what he wants. Stop knowing how he feels. Stop knowing what to do next.

Instead, explore. Ask him questions. Be curious. Be extremely gentle too, because despite how things may appear, he's very sensitive.


Maybe a better way to phrase the expectations thing:
Everything you have ever known about relationships doesn't count anymore. This is completely new territory. All the advice in relationship books is wrong. All the relationships you've experienced before, mean nothing to this one.

Writergirl
03-25-17, 07:59 PM
Why talk to a brick wall?

I don't know him, but if I don't answer you, it's because I'm not ready to participate in a conversation. If anybody thinks I'm ignoring them, well, they're exactly right.

That's not the problem. The problem is that the next thing people do is make up reasons why I might be ignoring them. Expectations. Expectations that if I ignore your text then I must not like you; expectations that if I ignore your call then I don't want you to call tomorrow; expectations that I DO want you to call tomorrow; just, expectations. Stop with the expectations. Stop knowing why he did things. Stop knowing what he wants. Stop knowing how he feels. Stop knowing what to do next.

Instead, explore. Ask him questions. Be curious. Be extremely gentle too, because despite how things may appear, he's very sensitive.

I never thought of it that way. Thanks. I never know what to do next though but I am guilty of assuming. I do ask questions which helps our serious talks when we have them. Its just the every day communication that is tripping me up. Just the mundane stuff we used to talk to each other about.

sarahsweets
03-26-17, 11:29 AM
So fast forward to me moving 3 hours away, and both of us dealing with that. Neither of us are huge phone talkers, we only called if something cool happened. He started filling his time with friends and social activities, he said it was his way of dealing with me being gone.
This is very important. LDR's are really hard and major almost daily communication is key to maintain that connection. Without that its like a friend you visit every now and then. He is spending time out because he needs people and obviously he needs people in person and the phone isnt cutting it.


But with that the texting subsided a bit. Then he was diagnosed with ADHD and all of a sudden it was super hard for him to text me. Since we only see each other once a month, it was a our main form of communication. Calling happens only when something cool happened. Like I said, neither of us like to talk on the phone.

We've talked about it here and there, and I just don't understand why his behavior would be different from the beginning. He always had ADHD, we just didn't know what it was. He did tell me he's just in his head, trying to deal with this (I mentioned that in the other post), and the other day I mentioned he was more quiet. He said now that he knows what it is, and has experienced the meds, the ADHD feels ten times worse and he's really struggling.
Im going to sound blunt but, I dont think this has to do with adhd. I think maybe a little bit because its new, and meds can make you feel so good that your perspective in life changes- but I really think he feels like you guys are growing apart and is sort of saying its the adhd because he is confused. Maybe he is afraid of making his own needs a priority or that he will hurt you, and is trying to make it easier for you two to grow apart.


And I hate that I keep bringing it up because I don't want to annoy him. I know he's struggling, it's just hard for me to understand that change. My anxiety brain tells me when there is a significant change in the amount of communication he's about to break up with me (because that is what has happened in the past). I really don't think thats the case but I honestly don't know what to think anymore.

Just as he is allowed to have his needs met, so do you. You are allowed to ask for a reason but whatever he says is the reason, whether its true or not, you must take at face value. It does nobody any good to second guess what someone else said. If its not the truth, the truth always prevails.

Writergirl
03-28-17, 08:32 AM
Thanks for the advice guys!