View Full Version : I think my mom's developing dementia...and I'm not handling it well at all :*(


psychopathetic
11-06-16, 11:56 PM
So I had yet another explosion with my mom tonight. In anger. Happens every 2-4 weeks it seems.

Thing is...is I think she's developing dementia, and instead of being understanding of it and accepting of it...I react in anger and frustration.

She's becoming increasingly bitter and angry as time goes on. She's always had anger issues, but they're definitely getting worse.
She's so often in a foul mood and grumpy with an attitude. I love her to death...but god dang it her attitude can be so gross.
And she's always going on and on about how miserable she is. I've never in my life met someone so loud about it. She's always deeply sighing, always saying things like "ouch ouch ouch", wincing and making noises like she's in great distress...I'm able to ignore this for the most part, but it gets old fast.
I once counted how often she makes comments of her misery, or makes noises...and in a 5 minute period, she did this 35 times. It makes it hard to want to be around her.
It's embarrassing now too cause she's started to become loud in public too...it's like she just doesn't care.

She forgets things. A LOT. And this can really tick me off to no end. Just for an example...about a month ago I made a comment about someone running for president (keeping it vague here so I don't break the rule about discussing politics on these boards)...and she flipped out on me going on and on how much she wanted that person to become the president.
A couple of weeks later I made another comment...and she was in complete agreement with me. And I reacted in anger because why in the heck did she bite my head off a couple weeks prior...but now she acted like that never happened. She of course says she doesn't remember getting into with me and she said she'd never ever in her life defend the person like I said she did.
But she does this kind of thing all the time! Every couple of days at least. Where she completely changes her mind on strong opinions she has had. And it makes me feel like she's calling my a liar or something.

And it's her nit picking. This isn't anything new...this is something she's done my entire life...but man...she doesn't pick and choose her battles. She chooses ALL the battles. Even the small stuff that just shouldn't be turned into an argument. I think she does it just to fight. Like she actively seeks out to start fights and arguments...only the second anyone argues back at her, she explodes and instantly starts playing a big massive victim.

She often makes plans...then changes her mind (often with a very poor/negative attitude) the day of the event. Like we were going to play a board game the other night...we had made plans on it a couple days earlier...but when I asked her if she was ready to play a game on that day, she got all angry at me like I was being overly demanding and pushy or something and she didn't want to.
And this has been happening more and more frequently with her as her mental heath has continued to go down hill.
And again...I react with anger. I can't stand when people change plans on me at the last minute...it's like having the rug pulled beneath my feet and it bugs the absolute crud out of me.

And she's getting meaner and meaner to people in the public as well. If a worker at the store makes a mistake or something, my mom will develop a really snotty, demanding attitude.
Just the other day we were checking out at a grocery store, and as the clerk was scanning items my mom got all snotty and told the poor clerk that a coupon didn't get taken off and how she's sick of going to this store and her coupons didn't work...and the clerk tried to explain that the coupon wouldn't show as being taken off till all the groceries were scanned...but my mom didn't understand and was angry and said something like "fine, if I have to I'll go over to customer service and make them give me my money back if you can't help me."
And I wanted to die on the spot. I was so upset at my mom. It was so f'ing embarrassing I just wanted to stop existing in that moment. Be invisible. Unrelated to my mom.
And of course the clerk scanned the rest of our stuff...and showed my mom on the computer monitor where the coupon was taken off...and all was okay and worked out.
It's like she's having more and more difficulties biting her tongue though.

There's lots of other things with her...she's losing the ability to do math (it's a big struggle for her to do even simple calculations anymore), she has a very hard time comprehending what she reads, she's starting to lose things...and to forget bring things to places she needs to go.

But it's her mean attitude, her acting like she's a big victim and everyone else in the world is in the wrong...when really...it's her that brings a lot of it on to herself...and it's her getting upset about things with me and my dad...only to turn around on a later day at have the exact opposite opinion on whatever it was she was upset about...and her dang near constant moaning and groaning she does...
It's all driving me nuts...and I freaking explode with anger. I call her names and curse and really revert back to when I was a child and had some major anger issues with her.

I don't know how to deal with this. Her dementia...at least that's what me and my dad are assuming. She refuses to talk about it. The second someone says something to her she throws a massive fit over it and becomes VERY angry. She can't handle the truth one bit.

What do I do?
I mean, I guess I could avoid her...but that's not really an option atm because I rely so heavily on her and my dad for food and financial support.

I'm suppose to understand that this is a disease...and beyond my mom's control. That it's not her fault...not her choice...so I should be open and accepting to her...instead of being so closed and angry with her.

But I just get so angry with her and I don't understand it. I want to freaking strangle her sometimes. It bottles up...and her negative vibes...and then I just explode.

What do I do? How do you handle stuff like this? Her mental health has taken a serious dive over this past year, and it seems to only keep going down hill.

I guess I just needed to vent.

I was at a fast food restaurant with her today and she made an order but the clerk gave her a choice of sides...and somehow my mom got confused and developed a snotty attitude and started to make demands at him...which made him really nervous and he asked my mom again about the sides cause she made him all sorts of confused...but she just further made demands and was further confused by it all. And again...I was angry at her for not only getting something so simple confused and mixed up...but especially for becoming so freaking mean about it to the clerk.
And she started to go off on the clerk to me when we got into the car to head home...and I very frankly told her that it's because SHE made him confused...and my mom did NOT like me telling her that at all and just went off on me.
And so I exploded. Bad. I wanted to take all her food and throw it on her. I was so frustrated and discussed with her :mad: :mad: :mad:.

And I can't quite figure out how horrible of a person I am for being so angry.
I'm just very frustrated.

I don't typically have anger issues. It takes a TON for anyone else to get me angry...but my mom? Man...I've got some serious deep rooted anger issues going on with her.

...
I know this was stupidly long. I just needed to vent. I'm quite upset and I just needed to talk.
This is probably the wrong location for this post...and I know I could've put it in the 'what's bothering me" thread.
But I don't know...I just needed to vent dang it lol.

How do I learn to cope with my mom's declining mental abilities...and declining attitude and behaviors in a more positive, accepting way? I'm having a hell of a time with it :*(

Fuzzy12
11-07-16, 03:48 AM
Just very quickly: first of all accept that you will gave a reaction to it and it's normal to feel upset and angry. not only is her behaviour directly upsetting go you but it's also worry g and scary because you care fir your mom abd can't just distance yourself from the situation.

Second could you get her to see a doctor? I can imagine she might not take kindly to the idea of dementia byt I think early intervention can make a difference if I remember right.

I've started wondering if my parents are developing dementia as well. I know it hurts. ....and it's still infuriating.

stef
11-07-16, 04:33 AM
Psycho, it may "just" be clinical depression
This exact same thing happened to my Mom, maybe late 60's it was embarassing to go out with her and she was just mean and defensive. (my mom had always had a bit of a nasty streak and temper, but it was out of character).

whatever chemical inbalance, also made her forgetful. she went on some trip to Costa Rica with some friends and forgot her reading glasses (she never forgot anything), and was absolutely horrible and unreasonable with everyone. Not long after that she went for her annual physical and the GP put her immediately on antidepressants and she was soon her bright, and only slightly annoying, self again.

Is she on antidepressants? Can you bring her to see a good GP?

PS: edit
is she forgetting items, that she usually wouldnt forget and becoming vague?
I ask this bc of my aunt, who really does have dementia;
in the beginning she well had NO filter; then very uncharacteristically losing and forgetting things
it was different from how my mom had been acting

sarahsweets
11-07-16, 06:24 AM
Thats so hard. Are you sure its a dementia issue? Like how do you know its not just an "older" person issue? To me, it sounds like (forgive me) a 'crotch-e-ty' type of elder issue. And when people are sad on the inside sometimes they lash out at things in an inappropriate way- like a store clerk or over a game.
You must protect yourself. A way to do that would be to change your expectations. If you do not expect things out of her, you cant get that disappointed. Its sounds easy but I know its not.

psychopathetic
11-07-16, 01:52 PM
First of all...thank you guys for the replies! haha this was a VERY wordy rant and I didn't really think anyone would actually slog through the read!

I don't know if it's dementia. I don't know what the heck is going on. Nor does my mom or my dad...nor do the doctors.
It's been VERY frustrating for my mother as you can imagine.

Something happened...but no one knows what or why.
It started about 5 years ago I think...it's like one day my mom just woke up and started to have difficulties with her speech and memory. At the same time she started to have breathing issues where it's really difficult for her to take a deep breath.
But she'd start talking and mix up her words a lot. She'd start saying stuff like "Before we go to the store I need to stop at the fridge to take some cash out of my checking account." Or "Did you say you wanted some couch for dinner?"...it sounds funny, but it's been extremely frustrating for my mom. She mixes up words a lot.
And her memory got all shot. Short term mainly. She start to forget entire conversations she had just days before, or even events. Dates and times became hard for her to remember too.
Math became incredibly difficult for her as well at that time...just simple things like 55+45 can take her quite a bit of time and effort to work out. She's not had this issue before.
There's other things I'm forgetting on the spot as well. It's just crazy how it all came on all the sudden for her.

And she did go to a doctor...but none of the doctors around here could figure anything out...so they sent her to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota...one of the best hospitals with some of the absolute best doctors and experts in their fields on the entire earth.
And they did EXTENSIVE tests on her. I mean...they checked everything.
But...they could find nothing wrong with her. I mean it's VERY clear there's something wrong...she can't hold a conversation anymore without mixing up her words...and there's no way I think she's 'faking' it either...but even the best of the best couldn't figure out the whats and the whys. I think it crushed my mom a bit...she was so hopeful they'd tell her exactly what was wrong so they could help make her better again.
but they couldn't :*(

I've always maintained that it's got to do with her physical health, anxiety, stress and depression. My mom is so freaking uptight so much (so bitter and angry often at such petty things)...and so out of shape.
But the one time I mentioned that to her doctor here in town...he immediately dismissed it and told me that if it was those things, the doctors would've known...and that it had to be something much more.
And anytime I try to talk to my mom about it...she flips out and gets very upset and shuts down. It's like she refuses to hear the truth...and she's always had an incredibly difficult time owning up to her own self. She's always been a big massive victim in life and nothing is ever her own fault.
She wont listen to me or my dad...or even her doctor.

So I don't know what to do for her...and I don't know wtf is wrong with her. I just know that it's gotten worse over the years and I get so upset over it. So upset directly at her...and I feel guilty about it because I know full well that a lot of this is out of her control and she can't help it, so I shouldn't get so angry with her...shouldn't explode like I do.
But dang it...it builds up in me. All the negativity...all the bickering...all the denial...all the forgetting...all her moaning and groaning all the time. It creates tension in me and I just go freaking off after awhile. I can't hold it all in.

I wonder if my doctor would let me talk about my mom for our next session instead of me...and see what he thinks. But is he even allowed to do that without my mom present? Doesn't that break confidentiality or something?

We're all just frustrated. I feel terrible for my mom cause she absolutely knows she's losing it...but know one can do a dang thing for her...and my poor dad...he gets the brunt of my mom's anger usually. He's become the black sheep in the family every since me and my sister have moved out...and dang it, I rely on them so much...that it's hard for me to break away for long enough periods of time to give me and my mom a break from each other so we're not driving each other crazy.
It's been tough.

:grouphug:
Thanks for giving me a space to ramble and rant about this. I bottle it up and it's hard to carry in silence.