View Full Version : mysterious injuries


peripatetic
11-10-16, 12:33 PM
hello all,

all who read this, that is. i haven't been around in a bit. i'm hanging in there mostly.

anyway, i increasingly wake up with mystery injuries. cuts, bruises. a lump. m says i'm not knocking around in my sleep or anything. i don't know why this is happening.

in times past it would be because they're experimenting on me. but i know that they cannot be right now. i'm tempted to put a video camera in my room, but then, for obvious reasons i'm also thinking no ******* way because the mere thought of being imder surveillance, even if only my own, makes my skin crawl.

today i have a new cut on my arm. it looks like not a scratch. i'm reluctant to march into my psych appointment and demand answers because i'm semi fearful of what the answers might be despite not knowing what they are.

what the ****?! why am i getting these mysterious injuries? historically i've had an explanation for them but i'm pretty stable right now and i am baffled.

cheers for any help,
-peri

midnightstar
11-10-16, 12:49 PM
Is there anything you could be accidentally catching yourself on in your sleep, peri? :grouphug:

Fuzzy12
11-10-16, 12:55 PM
Could you be scratching yourself while sleeping, is your skin dry? The cold weather and heating ( I assume it's cold wh34r3v3r you are) leans thst skin csn get very easily bruised and cut.

Unmanagable
11-10-16, 12:56 PM
Not sure if you're like this ,too, or not, but I'm a very not-so-graceful person in my daily happenings, bumping into things, trying to carry too much stuff at once, dropping things, etc. and often wake up with random bumps, knicks, and bruises that I don't remember getting. I always think to myself, "Damn, you'd think someone would remember that!"

Fuzzy12
11-10-16, 12:58 PM
Not sure if you're like this ,too, or not, but I'm a very not-so-graceful person in my daily happenings, bumping into things, trying to carry too much stuff at once, dropping things, etc. and often wake up with random bumps, knicks, and bruises that I don't remember getting. I always think to myself, "Damn, you'd think someone would remember that!"

Me too. Supper xlumsy and normally I dont even notice.

stef
11-10-16, 01:05 PM
I think possible you bumped into something etc, in the afternoon
but it really isnt visible until the next morning; I had this enormous mystery bruise on my left hip well it was because I was hurrying to the big color printer and hit the door handle of my office, the day before; i had completely forgotten.

peripatetic
11-10-16, 01:10 PM
i'm clumsy, yes...

it's not super cold here...i'm in sf and our cold times tend to be summer. it's actually quite temperate. but it isn't humid.

nothing i could catch myself on whilst sleeping that would leave the marks. the cuts are too uniform...too...frankly, it looks like i took a knife to myself but didn't press very hard. just enough to draw blood.

but i don't have a sleepwalking history and m says he hasn't seen me doing anything. and he would stop me. i mean, i have a history of doing things to myself when i'm unwell, but they're much more graphic things. these are "minor" overall...no bandages required or anything. but it's worrying. like...why is this happening? *IS* there something being done to me? if i did it to myself, why and why don't i remember? it's all very confusing...

and i have quite considerable issues with intrusive thoughts and the obsessive parts of my OCD really lend themselves to worrying that i'm enacting intrusive thoughts i have. but that's not how that's supposed to work. and why in the **** is this happening when i'm taking all of my meds? that's probably what's most disturbing. i'm taking everything and it's like there's some side of me that might be slipping into psychosis without the me that's typing this right now being able to see it. and i've lost insight before, but this is different. i don't know how to explain it, but this is different.

i really appreciate your replies. xx

Little Missy
11-10-16, 01:14 PM
If my fingernails get too long I'm always clipping a lip or somewhere with them. :confused:

I really hope they have not taken you off of the Xanax yet.

midnightstar
11-10-16, 01:20 PM
Could you get a appointment with your psych if you're worried about it, peri? :grouphug:

dvdnvwls
11-10-16, 02:51 PM
Scratches that happen very quickly are often very straight, making them "look like not a scratch" when in fact they are.

dvdnvwls
11-10-16, 02:57 PM
It can seem logical to attribute mysterious injuries to mysterious forces or mysterious actors, but it isn't logical. Extraordinary claims require an extraordinary level of proof that they occurred (not just possibility or circumstantial evidence but actual proof); if there's no proof, then ordinary causes become the only logical possibility.

BellaVita
11-10-16, 03:01 PM
You mentioned that in your pregnancy you needed to take extra iron....do you think maybe you could have a deficiency again? Iron, or something else?

If so, you could you be more prone to bruises and slow wound healing. Even if you don't remember getting the bruises/lumps etc - they could be forming more easily and taking longer to disappear.

So it makes them more obvious.

Just a thought. Hope you figure out the cause. :)

peripatetic
11-11-16, 10:15 AM
I'm very tempted to post a photo but I can't do that from my phone, I think. Maybe I'll work on that.

They're little cuts though that are far too close together for fingernails. Which I keep super short and filed because otherwise I'll chew them/rip them until the nail beds bleed. I have a problem with anxiety that causes this, so they're kept short.

The iron I haven't had checked in awhile, that's not causing me fatigue but I should have it rechecked.

The Xanax is prn but I still have it. I take daily Ativan along with my other meds. I don't think it's a medication problem but I would happily blame one of them for most anything. That's probably not very healthy for me though. Maybe I'll try taking my Xanax tonight and see if I wake without injury.

Speaking of, I did today. Wake without injury, that is. So that's positive.

With making an appointment, I had one yesterday but we didn't discuss it and I wore long sleeves. My biggest fear is that I'm doing this to myself somehow and can't contain it and whatever happens at night will start leaking into the day or onto others, like my little e. I've never been one to self harm but that's seriously what it looks like. I found scissors out of place once and that could cause this. I just don't see how I could have the dexterity without any memory and WHY would this be happening and why now? And just generally, what the ****?!!

All of that would incline one to think I would tell my psychiatrist but I really am not into another inpatient stay right now and my head feels mostly together apart from this at the moment.

Soz for typos...on phone.

Very grateful for everyone's input; thank you so much xx

EDIT: I added a photo. It's in my album entitled "peri". I think you might have to be on my "friends" list to see it but I think everyone here is...? If not just let me know. I'm happy to add anyone I know, I just don't want internet strangers seeing it because the only appropriate album to use was one that also shows my face. Anyway, you'll know what's what if you go to that album since it's an extreme close up of my wrist/lower arm.

Fuzzy12
11-11-16, 10:55 AM
Peru looks like scratches to me. :scratch:

Unmanagable
11-11-16, 11:02 AM
Looks like a "burn" up towards the top and scratches to me. The burn meaning like a rug burn or scrape of some sort. Did you move any boxes or big things that day that could have scraped across that area? I wish I could do more to help you figure it out.

peripatetic
11-11-16, 12:06 PM
Ok, because I'm now obsessed with figuring it out it occurred to me that photo wasn't in natural light, so I uploaded one that is. If you guys really think it's scratches then I'll tell my psychiatrist I need to deal with my OCD/anxiety more. And hopefully not deal with my psychosis more, which would maybe be a positive that at least the worst thing I'm fearing happening again isn't.

Fuzzy12
11-11-16, 12:10 PM
Had another look. To me it looks very much like scratched skin. I mean like a scrape like unsi said. Like you scratched it against a rough surface or a box again like unsi said.

Unmanagable
11-11-16, 12:19 PM
Still looks like scrapes/scratches to me, too, in the brighter light.

ginniebean
11-11-16, 12:25 PM
I don't know if you recall but I have had unexplained skin issues now for years. i no longer mention it to any professionals. One thing for me that brought it down to .. Almost livable is removing caffeine and all stimulants. It didn't fix the problem but i'm no longer crawling out of my skin. i'm not saying you may have the same thing, not at all. i do know that there has to be a rational explanation i just haven't fully found it. My suggestion to you is that this is also the case. (that there is a rational explanation in your own case) I can fully understand your fears and what might be considered wild guesses. Occams razor has to be applied. i hope that helps.

midnightstar
11-11-16, 02:05 PM
It does look like scratches, peri :grouphug:

Fortune
11-11-16, 07:50 PM
Yes, it looks like scratches to me.

TygerSan
11-11-16, 08:36 PM
Agree that they look like scratches of some kind. Were you wearing a bracelet watch or thick shirt? Maybe something like that irritated your arm.

peripatetic
11-14-16, 12:04 PM
thank you everyone.

i've filed all nails on my left hand down to the nail bed. it's impossible for me to scratch myself with them now. i don't think it was truly possible before, but i am trying very hard to hear what people are saying it looks like and not see you all as simply "in on it".

i'm not trying to be accusatory, and i so very much appreciate the help. i just, in my head...it's really hard. it's hard for me to explain, but there's a rational part of me that really believes you all and then there's another part of me that deep down "knows" it's not just scratches.

that i see those two sides is sorta positive insofar as it indicates i've not lost insight. i think. well, i am going to hold onto that as i really do know that when that can be said of me i'm not doing well at all. and i think i'm hanging in there. metaphorically speaking.

i don't wear jewelry though. i have a very strong aversion to it. so definitely not a bracelet or anything. i feel very lost on the subject. it's healing though. it hasn't recurred.

i've taken xanax twice before sleeping and i don't appear to be restless in the night. from what m says, that is.

i just don't know. my head's a-swirl over it all. thinking about it, overthinking it, trying not to think about it...

ugh. ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. those are my conclusions thus far. i'm just fatigued by it all.

xx

Greyhound1
11-14-16, 12:42 PM
Peri,
Any chance you had an allergic reaction? I get a lot of reactions that occur on my skin.

I have had many similar reactions to your photos. For me, it could be a reaction from touching or accidentally rubbing against a certain type of plant, certain fabrics, detergents and even solvent exposure thru inhalation.

I have no idea if I am on the right track with your issue. Perhaps you had a weird immune response to something in your environment? That's what I usually attribute mine to.

Wearing wool for me seems to cause many strange marks and skin reactions.

peripatetic
11-14-16, 05:11 PM
to your question, hound...it's only on my right wrist/arm, so i don't know what could be an allergic reaction that could happen only with my off hand and appear on multiple days.

midnightstar
11-14-16, 05:28 PM
I hope you can work out what's happening soon peri and that you feel better soon, if there's any way I can help (even just by listening) I'm happy to help in any way I can :grouphug: My inbox is there if you need anything :)

sarahsweets
11-15-16, 05:44 AM
Lets look at two worst case scenarios:
A- something or someone is toying with you while you sleep or
B- you are doing this to yourself subconsciously but still with some level of intent whether it be dreams, irritation, anxiety...
I think option A is not something to worry about because I'd like to think that 'm' would have noticed something, even a tiny thing that would be out of place.
I think option B makes more sense and the issue is to figure out why.
I had a sleep study and I am a very restless/sleepwalker/sleeper. I would never have known this carried into my adulthood without that study. I had the study due to issues with insomnia- but that info about the physical stuff was priceless to learn about. I was able to see-on video- that they took how active physically I am. I was able to explain some unexplained bruises and other injuries and I also found that its related to when I am in either REM or extreme stage 4 sleep and heavily influenced by how much anxiety I have going on. So basically, active dreaming causes super-active, danger to herself Sarah OR Deep stage 4 causes the sleepwalking Sarah, of which i have no knowledge of or am even aware of. Only my husband notices this.

How do I treat it?
A good nazi-like sleep routine.
Antipsychotics
loose fitting clothing that is a little less warm than you would need. Like in the winter while its butt cold out I wont where heavy fleece pj's I will wear light tshirts and sleep pants. I dont know what but a lower body temp seems to keep me at bay.
Anti-anxiety meds/behavior modifications to reduce anxiety (easier said then done)
Lastly- I try not to have obstacles like cords, heavy furniture, out of place crap I could kick, step on or bump into, in my path. (ha who am I kidding, my bedroom is chaos but at least its familiar chaos.)

ginniebean
11-17-16, 02:34 AM
One looks like it could be a reaction but that does not explain the other two. They look like cuts to me. Resist going there. I'm sorry you're going thru this.

Fuzzy12
11-17-16, 04:53 AM
Could e have accidently scratched you? Fuzzling has got seriously sharp claws even after clipping them and scratches me all the time.

mildadhd
11-20-16, 10:25 PM
Have you been wearing gloves gardening or something? Sometimes I wear loose gloves when I work with sand (concrete), and sometimes the inside back edge rim of the glove and sand rubs/scratches against my skin, especially my right hand/arm, when I am working/reaching above my head and the water/sand runs down my arms, and then into my gloves when I reach down again, gives me similar looking scratches/scars?

G

peripatetic
12-04-16, 09:46 PM
I'm back around again. Sorry for the delayed response. This ended up happening again but much more prominently. I'm not good with euphemisms but feel like ones prolly socially appropriate there.

Anyway, I'll try to write more later maybe, but I hear what you're all saying. It's definitely me though. That's established at this point. I'm not disputing or ...it got ugly so it's evident though still don't know exactly how or what prompted the stuff from the photos, basically. What I will say is that I had a really good justified reason and I'm not going to explain it because I *get* that it'll sound bad, but I know what I know and what's been done to me in the past and I'm zero percent convinced that "mental illness" explains it all and ****.

Anyway, I got a medication adjustment. And I'm trying really hard to be a good sport about it all, but if you could read my mind you'd be shocked (given how balanced the tone of this post is in comparison. Really pretty much anytime e is asleep, I'm screaming expletives and spitting resentment and outrage and being super defensive (though I've kinda figured out why and that's happening outside my head, too, and I'm working on eliminating it).

I know what all of the rights things are to say and I'm just going to move along, but it's exceedingly difficult. I kept it together when my psychiatrist told me on Friday that I'm less agitated than I was. That I appear so. Which, I can connect the dots and he's saying I'm less symptomatic and, in this case, the symptom is being delusional. More insight. Less immersed in solving something. And I'm so offended because to say I appear less still means that I do appear at least somewhat so.

Ugh. I can't get into it right now. But I think I've figured out why I ever get defensive. It's because of how discredited I feel in every way by my main mental illness diagnosis. (NB I'm not saying ADHD is or isn't mental illness...I think of it as neurological/behavioral difference. But not trying to debate that). It affects, my aggressive defensiveness, everything interpersonal in my life. It's amazing I have friends. But then I'm not great at maintaining always/consistently...

Blah. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just feeling like I'm tired and I get the "accept that you're mentally ill " mantra, but I just am so angry that I will necessarily not win against them because they've discredited me so I have to try and prove myself and be extra whatever (reliable, good as a mum, and loads of other things) than someone who hasn't been discredited and it sucks.

This is quite long. So enough from me. Thank you everyone and hope this finds you well xx

ginniebean
12-05-16, 12:25 AM
Having felt the fear/terror/rage/disgust over feeling so completely discredited, I completely understand. This alone is traumatizing and makes being healthy seem like a distant goal. Have you told your councellor how discredited you feel? How this feeling interferes with your functioning? One thing I am sure of is that your feelings are on target, I have no solution tho.

peripatetic
12-05-16, 12:29 AM
Having felt the fear/terror/rage/disgust over feeling so completely discredited, I completely understand. This alone is traumatizing and makes being healthy seem like a distant goal. Have you told your councellor how discredited you feel? How this feeling interferes with your functioning? One thing I am sure of is that your feelings are on target, I have no solution tho.

ohmygod! you totally do get it...i remember our conversations. yes! there is that and it's the most bitter of all the pills they try to get me to swallow...

i know you can relate. thank you for jogging my memory. xx

yeah, i've told therapists how discredited i feel by my diagnostic label. the one, at least. they know it. it's also, like, the more i argue the more ... it never ends up in my favor because they don't ******* LISTEN and start from a position of believing me that my experiences and my explanations are as real and true as anything else is. so if you start from disbelief, then you'll end up at delusion, right? i get where they're coming from in a way, but it's so demoralizing to be always on this end

ginniebean
12-05-16, 05:26 PM
What aas most terrifying to me was it goes beyond the psychiatric symptoms and bleeds into their prejudices view in ALL medical issues. i figured I could die before they would help me. That alone is so terrifying.

Stigma in the medical system is real and does disadvantage us.

midnightstar
12-05-16, 05:48 PM
Leaving you some hugs in this thread for you peri, if you want them :grouphug:

Little Missy
12-05-16, 05:54 PM
Did you say "they" and really mean "they" as in more than one doctor or therapist or both?

I will never, ever, let myself get into any type of treatment from more than one person only ever again.

It always turned me into a frustrated, indignant mess.

I am worried that feel the way you do may be because of that.

peripatetic
12-05-16, 06:05 PM
Did you say "they" and really mean "they" as in more than one doctor or therapist or both?

I will never, ever, let myself get into any type of treatment from more than one person only ever again.

It always turned me into a frustrated, indignant mess.

I am worried that feel the way you do may be because of that.

since my twenties multiple mental health professionals have diagnosed me with the same flavour of psychotic disorder. so there's that "they"...

when in hospital they're all on the same page, too.

i'm hoping when i said "they" i meant mental health professionals and not the THEM. that's different.

anyway, i see, currently, my main outpatient psychiatrist, a main outpatient therapist, i go to two groups...i'm part of three but i don't tend to go to the crisis management aftercare one very often.

i hope i answered your question. bit discombobulated here. :o

Little Missy
12-05-16, 06:14 PM
since my twenties multiple mental health professionals have diagnosed me with the same flavour of psychotic disorder. so there's that "they"...

when in hospital they're all on the same page, too.

i'm hoping when i said "they" i meant mental health professionals and not the THEM. that's different.

anyway, i see, currently, my main outpatient psychiatrist, a main outpatient therapist, i go to two groups...i'm part of three but i don't tend to go to the crisis management aftercare one very often.

i hope i answered your question. bit discombobulated here. :o

That makes me so uncomfortable I'll have to think about an answer. :eek:

Greyhound1
12-05-16, 07:09 PM
yeah, i've told therapists how discredited i feel by my diagnostic label. the one, at least. they know it. it's also, like, the more i argue the more ... it never ends up in my favor because they don't ******* LISTEN and start from a position of believing me that my experiences and my explanations are as real and true as anything else is. so if you start from disbelief, then you'll end up at delusion, right? i get where they're coming from in a way, but it's so demoralizing to be always on this end

That's terrible Peri! Why do they even bother discussing your experiences if they start from a point of view of disbelief?

I don't see the point if they are going to automatically discredit your feelings and experiences. Having a predetermined point of view makes a discussion seem futile to me and harmful for you.

What do they get out of denying and discrediting everything you say besides their fee?

How can a Dr learn anything about a patient if everything is going to be discredited simply due to a diagnosis? I guess you might as well remain mute rather than be demoralized and not believed.

You are so smart and sharp that must be so damn frustrating!:grouphug:

peripatetic
12-05-16, 11:55 PM
ok, so first off i want to apologise if my venting/ranting about my mental health and how i perceive interactions and my conclusions and so forth...

i apologise if i've upset anyone. i also think reading missy and hound's posts and ...... i think i've given you only bits of the picture and, at least subconsciously, that's probably on purpose, i think i'm coming off as throwing my mental healthcare team under the bus.

individually, yes, there are/have been over the years so real ******* pieces of work. people say dumb ****, including professionals. and some are completely not suited to work with people who think differently. and some just give off this energy that you know they don't really see you as more than a potentially volatile meatsack that their job is to do what's necessary to keep contained restrained complacent and compliant.

that's not all of them, though, and that's not my primary outpatient psychiatrist. he's actually on my side. he's advocated for me in the courts even. he's also ******* sectioned me, but i do respect him and i know he really is a good one. he doesn't mean to discredit me. he just does by saying things like "you appear less agitated than last week"...which concludes with "you're less out of your head/insane (delusional) than you were last week." i know that wasn't his intention. he was probably saying that as a positive. i'm sure he was. he was sincere and smiling.

but *I* have an enormous chip on my shoulder about this **** and when i hear certain words used to describe me, it just sends me on this reflex arc that *IS* justified, but then at the same time might be misplaced if you guys are thinking that everyone on my care team believes i'm untrustworthy. quite the opposite. in many things i'm very trusted. which, they may as well because i speak the truth as i know it. always. the thing is, sometimes the truth is something others don't think is possible or can't appreciate.

i do feel discredited. because i feel like my diagnosis and certain elements of me or "symptoms" are always met with this... "that's your mental illness" and not "holy ****, i can't believe that happened to you?! let's definitely figure out how to fix it"

but i digress. i also evade. that thread about "coming clean".... that's a great example of how i convinced myself prima facie that a person i adore and have been friends with for years was taking a total dig at me. but then, fortunately not having gotten confrontational or weird, i re read it and it wasn't about me at all. or not necessarily.

anyway, that thread... here's the thing about "coming clean": i don't want to be associated with all of my diagnoses and there are times i truly disbelieve it and literally can't perceive it (such is the nature of the thing) and there are times that i do and i mentally can't process or reconcile that i'm that person, but i am that person as much as the person who earns such high praise from a friend (thank you, hound:)). it's like, on paper, if you look at certain things...i look GREAT! if you look at others...EEP!

this **** has taken a serious toll on my life and yet i can't always see these things as explainable as a number in the DSM. one that's associated with really, seriously negative things in our culture. and in many cultures. but then also, it's the reason i've been in hospital so much and why i have interacted with the courts and why i bombed out of my academic career. when i see it as illness, i can see all of that. and regardless of whether i'm in possession of "insight" or not, or in some ways or to some extent...blah blah blah...however i objectively "am" right as i'm typing this... i *DO* get that if you accept the medical model of disease and mental illness and you reject that there could be things not subject to standard empirical observation/replication, and anyone who explains experiences that sound impossible... then i'm mentally ill.

but here's the thing: i lived through these things happening to me. i know that there are things inside me. i know it as surely as i know i'm typing this right now.

sometimes i get angry that experience isn't accepted as reality. but then, i do get that it's really a question of functionality.

and looping back to my discussion of my psychiatrist...he employs a method called LEAP which basically is an approach where you set goals and set aside ...i don't know how to put it... set aside what isn't consensus reality and agree to try to work within that to improve functioning. and when i'm medicated i can do that, for the most part. i can set aside. especially if the medication is short circuiting things that compel me to become obsessed with figuring things out and ...all of that will reduce my functioning. you simply cannot spend all of your time fixated on the types of ideas i have and executing the means to try and resolve them...you cannot both do that AND be a functioning person. and by functioning, i mean basic ****...like, GAF stuff.

i agree that my functioning is maladaptive due to "something"...i just disagree that it's "mental illness" at times, but i know that's what it is according to the DSM and so forth. anyway, my psychiatrist focuses on the functioning. so he doesn't say "i disbelieve you" because when i'm medicated i'm not compelled to fixate on it so much and i, instead, try to figure out how to cope with things so i can achieve my goals. and he's good with that.

he also is rather compassionate. he could've justifiably discharged me as a patient a hundred times, but he is always doing his best to keep me functional and alive and i didn't really mean to suggest he sucks or that he's a bad person.

anyway, hope that clarifies, though i think i got a bit sidetracked up there...

oh! and with "coming clean": i don't think there's a social obligation to allow yourself to be the poster child (person someone knows with) for a label. i think, if one has the ability and stability and desire to be part of the destigmatisation of mental illness, then i applaud those who stand up and be counted and advocate for others. but you have to put on your own oxygen mask first and self-identifying maybe is more complicated than that.

ok, now i've defo gotten sidetracked. bottom line: my psychiatrist rocks. i've had some less awesome ones in the past, but a lot of good ones. and i don't think they treat me poorly...most of them. i admit that sometimes i'm suspicious and that i feel wronged, but i can also admit at times i feel like i'm being a brat. at other times, i mean, i know what it is to suffer. i've suffered this for a long time. but my psychiatrist is a bright spot really. and there are some people who maybe don't "believe me"...but they respect me and believe in me. even there are people on here who've been through some of my worst times with me and managed not to make me feel like they didn't believe me. and a couple of them could totally vouch for my psychiatrist being really compassionate and sincerely trying to work with me. well, retro doesn't come on here anymore...but there's a person who does. maybe i'll message her.

ok...i'm babbling now. cheers for reading if you waded...made it...through. xx

ginniebean
12-06-16, 12:01 AM
"that's your mental illness" and not "holy ****, i can't believe that happened to you?! let's definitely figure out how to fix it"

This was my exact experience. Trying to fix it myself I scared the crap out of myself, I even think i have ptsd from all the reading, not all of it healthy ****, in fact the stuff of nightmares.

Thank goodness I can be a bulldog. (with myself)

peripatetic
12-06-16, 04:24 AM
This was my exact experience. Trying to fix it myself I scared the crap out of myself, I even think i have ptsd from all the reading, not all of it healthy ****, in fact the stuff of nightmares.

Thank goodness I can be a bulldog. (with myself)

for ****'s sake, bean...i'm so glad you're here because i know you really do know. and most who do are no longer here. it's such a relief to be remembered or, be understood because of history. i have such a hard time making that afresh with people nowadays for me. i don't have any room left. but then there are those forever unfilled now vacancies.

you contribute to my being glad i made it through this far. xx

peripatetic
12-06-16, 04:31 AM
It can seem logical to attribute mysterious injuries to mysterious forces or mysterious actors, but it isn't logical. Extraordinary claims require an extraordinary level of proof that they occurred (not just possibility or circumstantial evidence but actual proof); if there's no proof, then ordinary causes become the only logical possibility.

i have proof; i have firsthand experience and memories.

i'm not going to debate this, but i don't want to let it be uncontested (your claim) that i lack proof. i know what's inside me and it's not up for discussion.

i can't believe i'm going to say this, but i need to colour in my books and go to sleep. i can't think on this **** anymore tonight. and i have a small girl. i can't even believe i'm up this late. but then, i can...because i maybe am a bit...sucked under...but not. not really. it's all ...yeah.

night. x

Little Missy
12-06-16, 08:14 AM
This is the best I have, and what I believe.

Too many cooks in the kitchen.

peripatetic
12-07-16, 01:37 AM
Maybe there are too many people involved in my mental health. My only real reason for accepting my treatment plan, to the extent I do, which I'd say I'm at least 75% or more follow through on for at least six months.

1. I have often rejected it in the past and if I reject treatment (meds, individual counseling/therapy, and at least one diagnosis-symptom related group), if I bail on one or more of those for long enough (*how* long depends on which of those I discontinue and how entirely) and just the way things fall into place, that ALWAYS ends with me becoming a. very "low functioning"; e.g. under twenty GAF, and/or b. in trouble with the law somehow, and then that leads to c. in the hospital.

2. I have a small girl

3. #2 is incompatible with a, b, and c above.

I also have an incredible partner and, when I can connect with it, a life I could love. And I do like my freedom. But more than anything really i can admit to myself at this point in life with a small girl in it...

I know things have gone poorly when I am left accountable only to myself and/or unmediated. If I don't have some outlet for my thoughts and accountability for goal setting, I can't keep it together. Things go wrong and I don't appreciate the potential for life threatening or risky to be life ending increases. Or I don't think life is a relevant value to the question at hand. and to have lived so many times despite things going really wrong from a conventional thinking perspective, is remarkable when I really stop to consider it. I don't know how many times I can push that envelope before it ends me.

I feel very obligated to do my best to endure and improve my functioning and perhaps, one day, to flourish again. Maybe I'll write again to or resume my annual reading of the first critique and then feel compelled to read all of the great "phenomenologies" (Hegel (most ambitious and richly conceived), Husserl (most technical), Sartre (most interrelations/socio-politically motivated, and ending with the least beautifully written, but best collapse of the cogito/interactionism/dualism: Merleau ponty's phenemonology of perception.

Maybe I'll do crossword puzzles again. Or travel again. Show Estelle places I've been, or explore new ones with her and my M. Or maybe colouring books and reading up on child development and losing my mind for the spaces that aren't filled in my days and nights with something...maybe this is as good as it gets.

Maybe I'll never garden again but maybe I'll never do that irritating clanging that devolved into word salad/formal thought disorder **** again. Maybe I'll never teach again but I won't accidentally-in-a-way-but-also-totally-intentionally-doing-life-threatening-things end up creating a scene.

I need to work through all of this stuff and I need to keep my functioning high enough. That's why there are so many cooks in the kitchen. Does that clarify? Or even make sense :o

Fortune
12-07-16, 08:03 PM
I don't have much to add. I can totally identify with getting so preoccupied with certain kinds of issues that I lose the ability to care for myself, though you know that. Mostly just saying I'm here and reading what you're saying.

You're doing great, so don't sell yourself short.

midnightstar
12-08-16, 06:09 AM
Peri I'm glad you're on this forum, talking about your experiences and I wish all the professionals would take you seriously :grouphug:

Andi
12-08-16, 09:22 AM
That's terrible Peri! Why do they even bother discussing your experiences if they start from a point of view of disbelief?


Yeah, everything that Hound said...wtf. You and I have talked at length about this before but holy smokes, even if it's crazy, if it sounds crazy, if you can't believe it's true, that's still MY experience. It's what I believe. That's how "I" feel. This is what my mind and my heart are telling me. Deal with that and not discrediting; ask me the why, walk me through my experience. That bs of saying that it's illogical or that I'm wrong...I shut down. I'm not there for you to tell me I'm crazy. I get that there may be something wrong and I get that my pov may be skewed; deal with me and my feelings. Tell me how I can get through how I feel without melting down. Give me breathing exercises or refocus techniques. Tell me to go back to journaling. Recognize and acknowledge my feelings damnit.

Much love and many hugs to you.

peripatetic
12-14-16, 11:30 PM
I don't have much to add. I can totally identify with getting so preoccupied with certain kinds of issues that I lose the ability to care for myself, though you know that. Mostly just saying I'm here and reading what you're saying.

You're doing great, so don't sell yourself short.

i appreciate you posting xx and appreciate the camaraderie.

most of all, thank you for that last line...i don't think .... no, scratch that. i DO think that i feel very...pressed, maybe, to be extra good as a mum and just as a person in general because i've been identified as mentally ill and, in particular, slapped with the label i have. you know the one. i feel at times like i have to be *that much* better to outweigh being so defective or deficient. i definitely do perceive self as being held to a different standard that is in some ways "less" is expected of me, but then at the same time "more" is required of me, if that makes sense.

Yeah, everything that Hound said...wtf. You and I have talked at length about this before but holy smokes, even if it's crazy, if it sounds crazy, if you can't believe it's true, that's still MY experience. It's what I believe. That's how "I" feel. This is what my mind and my heart are telling me. Deal with that and not discrediting; ask me the why, walk me through my experience. That bs of saying that it's illogical or that I'm wrong...I shut down. I'm not there for you to tell me I'm crazy. I get that there may be something wrong and I get that my pov may be skewed; deal with me and my feelings. Tell me how I can get through how I feel without melting down. Give me breathing exercises or refocus techniques. Tell me to go back to journaling. Recognize and acknowledge my feelings damnit.

Much love and many hugs to you.

thank you so much xx

you know the ****ty thing? i probably was still agitated. but it still feels like an accusation to be, even casually, told i'm "less agitated than i was" indicating that there's that ...well, that's how i view it, you know? it's an accusation...an allegation... it's very difficult for me to perceive it being even noticed as a neutral or "objective" fact or observation.

i'm defensive about it is what i'm saying, i guess. and that defensiveness is justified to some extent, but it's not doing me any favors. i'm so outraged by some things that i get more stuck on what i see as a discrediting or dismissal than on the overall positive thing being said.

i ended up telling him last friday that i was peeved at it. he was, i think sincerely, surprised and apologized. and not that ******** apologizing where the person says "i'm sorry you felt that way", but a real apology.

but it's just as you said: there's still my experience and even if it is straight loopy (sounding) it's still real insofar as it's my experience.

much love back to you and cheers for understanding where i'm coming from xx

Little Missy
12-15-16, 08:39 AM
It is NOT loopy sounding and I think it admirable that you called him out on that.
I will not tolerate a doctor telling me those kind of things because I believe they are attributing their labelling to how their prescribing for a patient is going along in their own heads.

I believe my insistence on these types of matters is why I was always mysteriously sent home rather quick from any place I ended up in. No matter how much or how many types of medications I was placed on that somehow never actually pertained to what I really needed at the time, I could never be made compliant during my stay.

Never just accept that you are what they say.

I'm sorry if I was too bold here.

sarahsweets
12-15-16, 09:13 AM
Peri- I dont have any feel-good words or wisdom. I want you to know that I identify, relate and empathize with you. Not having your feelings validated no matter how "outlandish" they may seem is brutal. Feelings may not be facts but they are real and the person experiencing them can find them debilitating.

peripatetic
12-15-16, 11:23 AM
Never just accept that you are what they say.

I'm sorry if I was too bold here.

thank you for this and, no...not too bold... too bold would be me in a bikini at a formal dinner party ;)