Hi everyone I am new to this forum. I found out about it through PTO (prison talk online).I am married to a man that has ADHD.My husband was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in high school (I have all of his medical mental health records) and his mother "didnt really think anything was wrong with him" so she didnt feel it was necessary that he be medicated.Well, my husband grew up in a home where his father abused his mother.He abused me and I had him arrested and he's now doing 4 yrs in prison.When he was home he seemed like he could never stay still.He always had to be on the go 24/7.He always wanted to take rides in the car.He would make excuses to go to the store, just so he could get out and go,go,go.Mind u he never brought anything back from the store.I would always have to stay on him about doing things,he would start projects and never finish them.Sometimes he would seem really happy,some times he would get moody and not want to talk.At times he out of the blue just said really hurtful things to me for no reason at all.I know a little bit about ADHD and need to know more, thats why I am here.In addition to growing up in an abusive environment, I think his ADHD has to do with his anger too.He would do really foolish things with money.Example,he would cash his whole paycheck and give it to me,yet he would go out and use his debit card(knowing theres no money in his acct because he gave it to me) to buy a beer or something.So he'd end up with like 20 charges for 1.05 on his acct and have to pay an overdraft fee for each and everyone of them.He would be so sorry later, but when hes doing things he wasnt thinking about it.He would write checks on a closed acct., i mean just blatantly do things without thought.People would always ask me if he was on drugs or something, because people knew the way that he behaved was not "normal".So do men with ADHD usually have problems being players in a relationship,due to the fact that they always want to bounce from place to place, is that a part of having ADHD, them being cheaters? He would get phone numbers and I would find them in his wallet or in the car, and confront him about it and he would say I got the numbers, but i never called them.I just got the numbers just to see if I still "had it".And are ADHD folks known to have a problem with telling the truth? I am not sure about the infidelity and lying thats why I am asking if those are things that they are known for in addition to the impulsiveness,violence,mood swings,not being able to focus or complete tasks and blurting out the first things that come to their minds.As i said before he is now in prison, and I dont think in prison he will get the proper treatment for his ADHD.But as a spouse, what can I do to understand him better or is there a support group for spouses out there? Sometimes the things that he would do would make me want to slap his head clean off of his shoulders, but i realize now that this is an illness and these are things he cant help.What can I do to get help for him once he is released from prison?Any feedback from anyone would be great,thanks!!

The state of your spouse seems to be really severe.

YES some ADDers lie compulsively, as do some persons with borderline personality disorders.
YES many ADDers have issues with relationships. Things like cheating and intamacy are big problems for some.
YES, ADDers can sometimes be very annoying and frustrating to deal with.

There are forums for spouses of those with ADD in this forum.

You described somthing that seems like severe ADD/ADHD/Bipolar run amok, and maybe some other issues too.

You really need to evaluate wether this person is going to be a hazard to you when he gets out of prison (IE: is the relationship safe?).

You need to face the possibility that there is nothing you can do.

He needs to want to get help for himself. If he does, you need to make sure the help is made available to him. Psyciatric care in prisons can be poor to absent, so you might have to followup to be sure he is getting proper care.

It is possible that his judgment is so impaired he is unable to seek help, and in that case help should be found for him. Obviously, if he is doing harm to people he clearly has unattended issues...

You need to talk to a doctor and to a lawyer about your spouse. It is really difficult to get someone declared mentally incompetent. It can also hard to get proper psychiatric care for someone in prison. He needs to get evaluated, diagnosed, and some proper medical and psyciatric care as soon as possible.

It is entirely possible that he is still capable of judging for himself and does not want any help, and does not want things to be any different. In that case, there is nothing you can do except stay clear of this person.

Me



Hi everyone I am new to this forum. I found out about it through PTO (prison talk online).I am married to a man that has ADHD.My husband was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in high school (I have all of his medical mental health records) and his mother "didnt really think anything was wrong with him" so she didnt feel it was necessary that he be medicated.Well, my husband grew up in a home where his father abused his mother.He abused me and I had him arrested and he's now doing 4 yrs in prison.When he was home he seemed like he could never stay still.He always had to be on the go 24/7.He always wanted to take rides in the car.He would make excuses to go to the store, just so he could get out and go,go,go.Mind u he never brought anything back from the store.I would always have to stay on him about doing things,he would start projects and never finish them.Sometimes he would seem really happy,some times he would get moody and not want to talk.At times he out of the blue just said really hurtful things to me for no reason at all.I know a little bit about ADHD and need to know more, thats why I am here.In addition to growing up in an abusive environment, I think his ADHD has to do with his anger too.He would do really foolish things with money.Example,he would cash his whole paycheck and give it to me,yet he would go out and use his debit card(knowing theres no money in his acct because he gave it to me) to buy a beer or something.So he'd end up with like 20 charges for 1.05 on his acct and have to pay an overdraft fee for each and everyone of them.He would be so sorry later, but when hes doing things he wasnt thinking about it.He would write checks on a closed acct., i mean just blatantly do things without thought.People would always ask me if he was on drugs or something, because people knew the way that he behaved was not "normal".So do men with ADHD usually have problems being players in a relationship,due to the fact that they always want to bounce from place to place, is that a part of having ADHD, them being cheaters? He would get phone numbers and I would find them in his wallet or in the car, and confront him about it and he would say I got the numbers, but i never called them.I just got the numbers just to see if I still "had it".And are ADHD folks known to have a problem with telling the truth? I am not sure about the infidelity and lying thats why I am asking if those are things that they are known for in addition to the impulsiveness,violence,mood swings,not being able to focus or complete tasks and blurting out the first things that come to their minds.As i said before he is now in prison, and I dont think in prison he will get the proper treatment for his ADHD.But as a spouse, what can I do to understand him better or is there a support group for spouses out there? Sometimes the things that he would do would make me want to slap his head clean off of his shoulders, but i realize now that this is an illness and these are things he cant help.What can I do to get help for him once he is released from prison?Any feedback from anyone would be great,thanks!!

Well, I wrote an incredibly long-winded post but deleted it after re-reading and re-writing it for the 3rd time. :p

Some of the things you've mentioned in this post, sound undeniably within the boundaries of ADD. However, I believe a lot of the information you've provided deal more with your partners level of honesty. In my personal opinion, if you do not trust your partner then you have a lifetime of questionable acts to witness, and will indeed question them.

On the go 24/7, Going to the store and returning with nothing, Making excuses to go for rides, etc... You can more than likely sum this up in the "player" label you provided for him. If you believe he's cheating, or know he is, then consider the fact that he has to make time to do this. I've had ADD all of my life, and can't say I do any of the above or ever have (aside from when I first got my license).

I would strongly suggest reading some of the material suggested on these forums, and some other members can give you great reading suggestions. Knowledge is the best power you can hold against the effects of ADD, in a relationship. He should read these as well, and with luck he will use them to better himself, and not as an excuse for his actions.

My opinions above are just that, opinions. I doubt I helped any, but I have faith that others will chime in and undoubtedly give you an oscar worthy explanation and way of help. I wish you both the best...



P.S. Something to keep in mind. I don't know if it's me personally, or my ADD but I had to re-read and then imagine paragraphs to sort this post out. If it is indeed ADD, then it might help next time to just throw us a paragraph or two next time. If it's just me, then laugh my way and ignore this. lol

i am sorry about the long post.my husband has to read and re-read things, he said sometimes it seems like the words just run together.and he cant focus on it, so he gets frustrated and says to heck with it.thanks for responding.. :o)

I may not be an expert on these things, but I have read a lot of materials because of my husband and my son. I would have to agree with the moderator that what you are dealing with is very extreme and may be more than just ADHD. It sounds like there may be some bipolar in there too, which makes things very complicated. He needs serious help, but if he refuses it, you must consider whether you want to continue to place yourself at risk. Please think carefully about what you must do for your own personal safety. Clearly, you have some hard decisions to make, but you have this forum for support and help.

I think you really have to think of your personal safety first. Abuse is definitely not on, and it is not excused by a firm diagnosis of ADHD. :(

My best friend has anger management issues now and then, but he has never abused anyone.

While is in prison, why not get some counselling for yourself and see how you really feel about remaining in a relationship where there is potential for repeated abuse. I really worry for your safety in this BuTTaFlyy, you seem like a very sweet person.

Please take the opportunity to read some of the great lit. that people have suggessted, and by all means keep asking questions.:)

cs