View Full Version : pushing people away


fosterthehuman
11-13-16, 12:45 PM
Default pushing people away
I've posted something like this before, i brought up how difficult it is to have my adhd and socialize with other people at times for certain reasons. Recently i've been extremely reluctant on making new friends or talking to others that i would have usually talked to. there's many reasons cause of this, i've been feeling overwhelmed and have been loosing a lot if self confidence in myself but blah blah whatever. also, a huge reason

i've been acting like this is because i've just been feeling inadequate to others. i feel like my best isn't really goo enough, and ik that i'm doing a lot of begative thinking and not puting myself out there so let people get to know me, but it's just been really difficult. especially when you have put yourself out there in the past, only to be put down or humilated.

also, i struggle with social anxiety, and i'm not diagnosed for this but i might also have an avoidance disorder cause i tend to have many of those symptoms as well.

i tend to use examples alot of things that have happend to me, it just helps me vent and try to get over things. but there was this one time when i was camping at with a youth group I regularly went to in senior high school. when we had areived to the campsite, i had accidently grabbed only one of my suicases instead of both and when i got to the cabin, i told one of the girls living with me that i forgot a bag.

i asked one of them if they could come to the bus and walk with me or at least let me know how i can get back to the bus area. i remember them kind of awkwardly looking at me (they never were mean to me, it just seemed like they were suprised or like "that sucks" look idk).

we eventually found a counselor to tell us how to get to the bus, and said that we had to take a 2 min ride from this other counselor cause it would be faster. and were riding with them to the bus and i tried making conversation "aren't you guys cold? i aee you're only wearing a shirt and shorts" cause it was winter camp and there was snow everywhere. but the counselor's response was "well you're the one who forgot their suitcase" i keep losing my confidence, especially when i yar up the day to think about what people have said about me or when i was negatively judged due to my adhd. i don't know how to exactly move foward

idk, im venting but i aslo wonder if this is all just me. i'm open to socializing and i want to make friends, advice would be nice, i just want to feel like i'm not a screwup

dvdnvwls
11-13-16, 01:09 PM
People are not judging you nearly as much as you think they are. They're too busy trying to figure out what all the others think of them.

fosterthehuman
11-15-16, 03:51 PM
People are not judging you nearly as much as you think they are. They're too busy trying to figure out what all the others think of them.

I agree with you and I believe that to be true, I try to be positive and think that people aren't always judging me. but when people make comments like the one that youth group counselor made, it makes me second guess myself cause I really understand why anyone would make a comment like that unless they were mad or didn't like me. That's just how I see it, like am I supposed to just ignore comments like that? Or gain insight from it? cause if he were to have said something like, you're ugly" I probably would have ignored it and thought it was stupid. But when I get comments similar to the one he made, I don't know how I'm supposed to react or feel about it

Tetrahedra
11-15-16, 04:33 PM
When I was a little younger, I had this problem, too. I always pushed people away from me because I just felt like a loser and something was wrong with me. I always felt like people were judging me, and I tended to avoid everyone that I didn't absolutely need to interact with.

Part of what helped me was, well, finding myself in situations in which I was REQUIRED to work with people. I ended up with a job where I had to interact with customers, some of whom said mean things to me. I made it a goal to better my interaction skills and ability to diffuse tense situations. It took me YEARS to get to a point where I was comfortable hanging around people.

Sometimes you have to take people's comments with a grain of salt and let them roll off you. I don't know what the heck your camp counselor was talking about. Maybe it was a joke he botched up that you didn't understand. I found that me having a good sense of humor helps to make tense situations like this less so.

20thcenturyfox
11-15-16, 11:39 PM
On bad days I totally relate to just wanting to not feel like a screw-up. That just kicks all the sociability right out of me.

On better days I know Tetrahedra is right, you have to take people's comments with a grain of salt and let them roll off you. What people say is nearly ALWAYS about them. Even if they want you to think otherwise.

And definitely resorting to a sense of humour, however warped, can help make the best of a bad situation...or sometimes even turn it around. (If this is hard to muster in the stress of the moment, you could try writing "laugh" on one of your fingers as a reminder when you are going to be around people.)

Here's my take on the counsellor's comment:
...we eventually found a counselor to tell us how to get to the bus, and said that we had to take a 2 min ride from this other counselor cause it would be faster. and were riding with them to the bus and i tried making conversation "aren't you guys cold? i aee you're only wearing a shirt and shorts" cause it was winter camp and there was snow everywhere. but the counselor's response was "well you're the one who forgot their suitcase" i keep losing my confidence, especially when i yar up the day to think about what people have said about me or when i was negatively judged due to my adhd. i don't know how to exactly move foward....

He was actually a little mad about being dragged out into the cold night to rescue some little dweeb who left a suitcase on the bus. And he wasn't keen on being jollied into some small talk by said dweeb. But he was also a little mad at himself for being so underdressed, and let's face it, unprepared for what was an obvious and predictable part of his job. So your attempt at small talk, empathy even, hit a raw nerve and he lobbed a jab back at you. But, hey, no big deal, he's just a bit crabby and uncomfortable, nothing to dwell on. Not even all that judgemental, he's just blowing off steam, I'd say.

At that point I think all your best options involve either taking it lightly as a joke at your expense ("Ha ha, I guess you're right about that! And I sure appreciate your dragging yourself away to help me out.), or lobbing back a further joke at his ("Hey I guess if it wasn't one thing it would be another. I just forgot a suitcase, I'm not responsible for the weather or how people dress. I can't help it if you were hoping for cozier assignment in the girls' dorm," etc.)

Finally, I do think there is a significant minority of people out there who do try to make themselves feel better by putting others down, and making judgemental or snarky remarks. If you think someone (who doesn't know you) is mad or doesn't like you, these are very good reasons to ignore their comments. Laugh them off if you can, but do NOT take them to heart or try to gain insight from them. Throw them (the comments, that is) in the garbage, and look for better company!

fosterthehuman
11-17-16, 01:03 AM
thanks for the advice you guys. I think I thanked him when I left the van but I wish I would have said something else.

i've been bullied when i was younger up until high school. it would be for so many different reasons, so my confidence is quite non existent.

Also, when I was a part of that youth group, I hung out with some kids that the "popular kids" didn't like and those people were friends with the counselors. So basically some people there would be nice to me and others would avoid me or be rude to me cause of who I hung out with.

It just sucks, I hate when people are like this. And I hate when someone takes something I say the wrong way and then lashes out or snaps at me. That's happened countless times to me, and the people have usually never said sorry for their actions or only apologized cause they were forced to.

sorry, i just realized how sensitive this is for me. plus having not that many friends has caused me to believe in these rude individuals' comments instead of working on heightening on my self-esteem.