View Full Version : Do you resent society for changing you?

11-16-16, 08:26 PM
I have ADHD and that is part of me.
Society tells you to be who you are.
Be yourself!
So you do just that.
And people get hurt and you get mad, and you become a problem.
Then they say
That there is something wrong whith you
And they change you.
Who are we if we are not who we are?
My medication changes me
my friends are no friends of me
they are friends of a warped changed me.
Maybe a I am selfish and society knows what is best for me but I question society as Socraties, Martin Luther King, Gandhi,and Malala did.
Do you resent society for changing you?
Who are you if you are not who you are?

11-16-16, 09:15 PM
Everyone changes with each new person they meet or each different social group
they are part of. It's natural for everyone.

Is there more pressure put on those who are different than "the norm"? Sure.

Never thought about being angry because of it. Racial profiling, gender bias,
religious discrimination ... those make me angry.

My meds and supplements do change me, for the better. Fish oil lets me write
a whole paragraph without going blank and searching for the right word. SSRI's
let me drive without doing something impulsive like pulling out into traffic and
not panic when my family is 10 freaking minutes late getting home.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your perspective, only that I don't
share it.

11-16-16, 10:07 PM
Have you tried various medications? Because many of us feel more like ourselve with the right medication.

The "be yourself" motto is figurative and comes with 20 different warnings and qualifiers. We don't want the abuser to "be himself" ... or the violent person to "be himself" or the psychopath to "be himself" or the person prone to addiction to be himself and on and on ... There are ten ways I could be thoroughly unhealthy and self-destructive if I just sat back and allowed myself to "be me." I am, for example, very vulnerable to addictions/compulsions and have to pay attention to those addictive-compulsive impulses pretty much every day of my life, and that's fine! ... Because avoiding addiction is so much better than being swallowed by addiction.

BTW: most of us are different depending on the situation and not just different because we're kissing up and compromising, but different because different contexts allow us to explore different sides of ourselves.

There are aspects of myself that I didn't even know about until I tried them on ... and went down a certain path and found out, "OMG, I like this" or "I'm interested in that."

Now, what's not good is to consciously hide parts of ourselves to conform to expectations that we don't even embrace. I am wondering if you could share with your friends your sense that you are not authentic when you are being treated. There may more of the "real you" coming through with your friends than you think.

Have you shared this feeling with your psychiatrist?

I also think you can reflect on your goals and your deepest values and I don't know that "being yourself" (as in untreated) is the deepest value. I'm betting you might have goals for relationships and career and education and hobbies and fun ... Is it possible that getting treated can help you reach those goals?

But if you're feeling phony on the med, definitely talk to your doctor.

Good luck.


11-16-16, 11:54 PM
I've never been very upset about the "Be Yourself" thing. I guess because I am myself, and I might need some restraint here or there, but it's not like I have to truly change. I tried to suppress all my ADHD symptoms, and I wasn't happy, so now I allow some of them to be present as they wish.

Another thing about "Be Yourself" is that it doesn't mean that someone can be a total ******* and say "Too bad, I'm being myself." It means to be true to who you are, not that you have total freedom to do whatever you want or behave however you want. For example, if you're in a library, you still keep your voice down because that's common courtesy for the others around you. But you "Be Yourself" by reading books of whatever topic you want, or choosing to play on the computer instead of reading, or volunteering, etc.

The other thing about "Be Yourself" is that it's not quite true. There's a very narrow range of where "yourself" is acceptable in modern society. I guess I either don't care about the range, or I recognize that society doesn't really care who your true self is.

But we have a lot of statements like that, don't we? The one that's always got me is "When you grow up, you can be anything!" Like "Be Yourself," it offers a positive way to encourage people to be individuals and pursue their life's goals. But we all know that's not true. I'll never be a doctor, for example. Yes I COULD be a doctor technically speaking, but the amount of work and effort that would go into getting me there isn't worth it. So "When you grow up, you can be anything!" is technically true, but for most of us, the benefit of 'being anything' doesn't outweigh the cost of time, money, and heartache that 'being anything' requires.

I know for me, people encouraged me--and still do--that "you can be anything!" without realizing that there are limitations. I grew to despise that mindset because it's just not realistic. I have someone encouraging me to be a teacher, for example, and I know that I could--technically--be a teacher. But the anxiety, the type of work, etc. is just not for me. So it's not practical to become a teacher, but they're trying to push me in that direction anyhow because, technically, I "can be anything!".

Don't be discouraged by it. I think they're rather fascinating statements because we're actively encouraging people not to close doors on themselves. Yes, they aren't realistic statements. But I'd rather my kid be told "Be Yourself" than "Follow the Crowd."

Would it be beneficial to you to list ways that you're "Being Yourself" and compare them to what local laws/rules and societal norms say? Don't give up on being who you truly are. It's miserable and it isn't worth it. But there might be ways that you can better express your individuality. For example, if you really love to yodel, standing up in the middle of class and starting to yodel is disruptive and disrespectful to your classmates. But starting a yodeling club or performing at the talent show would be better ways to express your individuality and awesome yodeling skills. Does that make sense?

11-17-16, 01:56 AM
This world says "be yourself" to mean.. Be relaxed and confident... They don't mean unvarnished.

None of us not those with adhd or those without have the luxury of being ourselves. This is understood and part of adulting.

The only exception is intelligent efforts to discover the self so you even know who you are to begin with and that's a dedicated and conscious effort.

11-17-16, 02:43 AM
Nah. I resent society for a few things, but this isn't one of them.

11-17-16, 04:58 AM
I see meds as a tool to help me with a deficit I've got so that my life can be more fulfilling, easier and more fun. They are like wearing glasses if you've got impaired vision or hearing aids. I'm not taking them for society but for my own benefit.

I do resent society expecting me to be extroverted when I'm not but I don't think that's got snything to do with adhd. I also don't resent wider society for that but just the people around me.:scratch:

11-17-16, 09:03 AM
I used to, and it still rears its ugly head on occasion. But mainly because that same society never really taught me how to get to know myself on the most basic healthful and nurturing levels, beyond how I could be productive on their terms, and beyond what is allowed to be taught in schools.

Once I took time to unlearn and make room for some massive self-discovery, things started looking a bit more manageable in my world. Granted, it only took a half a century, years of significant grief, and a medical emergency to accomplish this.

You can't be yourself very well in a world that doesn't actively encourage knowing and nurturing self.

Medication didn't help me be myself, it helped me be more of what I felt I was expected to be in certain scenarios under pressure. Had it not been for those societal pressures, I wouldn't have realized I needed their "help".

All the while, I discovered their "help" was also steadily changing and chipping away critical pieces of self that I need to healthily maintain to achieve any resemblance of self in the first place.

So now I guess I'm more grateful than I am resentful. It was a b**** to figure it out, and I'm still actively figuring things out daily, but it eventually led me to the healthiest version of me that I've met yet.

11-17-16, 10:49 AM
I wont allow society to change me. I am too cool for society- society can go f**k itself. (;))
That said,I do resent the artificial parameters and expectations that society seems to lay out for me as a person with a disability, a woman and a mother.

11-17-16, 11:41 AM
I resent society for not accepting us the way we were born. I resent having to change, fake it or be medicated just to fit in.

11-17-16, 01:44 PM
I don’t really do resentment or grudges.

I’d like to say it is because of some high-minded reason, like life sucks a little more when you add those things to it...and there is a bit of truth in that for me.

But honestly, I don’t do those things because my memory for those things is complete and utter rubbish. I forget who I am supposed to be cross with.

And then there is the fact that given the opportunity, I’m about the lulz. Why be cranky when I could be playing?


11-17-16, 02:09 PM
I think that society tries to change us but it can't and that's where we get in trouble:

Arrive on time.....

Pay your bills.....

Return library books.....

Keep track of your belongings.....

Society expects- and runs better- when my examples happen but many of us have extreme difficulty with them and we suffer the most when they don't occur.

If society could really change me to conform to their "standards" then I would be all for it since meds, therapy, prayer and willpower sure hasn't.

11-17-16, 06:53 PM
What I find challenging is society changes and you have to change with it.

11-29-16, 02:20 AM
I don't feel resentment. I understand that most people have a need for things to fit inside of a box that makes sense to them. My problem is that I don't fit well inside boxes. I never have. At this point I'm just used to being defiant, and in some ways embrace it. I just look at it that I'm going to do what I do, and if I don't fit in other people's world view, that's not my problem. People who won't accept me for who I am don't belong in my life.

I admit it does get frustrating when the world is telling you that things are just supposed to be 'this' way, and I don't accept that it has to be that way. Sometimes I just want to be left alone without judgement. The most frustrating is dealing with my family. No matter what, they will always be my family, and they will always be trying to tell me what I 'should' be doing.

11-29-16, 09:54 AM
Nope! I refuse to conform (although i am disguised as an executive assistant in a law firm) ;)

Little Missy
11-29-16, 10:11 AM
Honestly, I do not understand the topic here. :confused:

11-29-16, 10:12 AM
for holding you to Earth?

11-29-16, 10:19 AM
for holding you to Earth?

Very rarely.
Flying sounds cool but it's not a big problem. Like Douglas Adams in thr hitch hikers guide to the galaxy says: flying is just learning how to throw yourself at the ground and missing. :)

Little Missy
11-29-16, 10:20 AM
oh God, maybe my problem is that I have not changed! :eek:

11-29-16, 10:22 AM
oh God, maybe my problem is that I have not changed! :eek:

Same here!!

Little Missy
11-29-16, 10:25 AM
Same here!!

Oh God, we may be...The Incorrigables! :eek:

11-29-16, 10:27 AM
Oh God, we may be...The Incorrigables! :eek:

That's my super power. The power to remain stagnant. In 38 years I've not even learnt to close bottle lids..:cool:.

Little Missy
11-29-16, 10:29 AM
That's my super power. The power to remain stagnant. In 38 years I've not even learnt to close bottle lids..:cool:.

No shaking the bottle at YOUR house. :eek:

11-29-16, 10:46 AM
No shaking the bottle at YOUR house. :eek:

Don't worry. I don't put the lid back on bottles at all so you would notice it's open...I hope :D