View Full Version : Why can't I stay in relationships?


ADDandConfused
11-17-16, 07:44 PM
I don't know why I kinda look for long term relationships yet either provoke fights or get tired quickly of routines in relationships and want to leave. It's not I want short flings, I just feel I'm sabotaging or looking for fault to add something missing for me. Bit of tension/ excitement but I know it's exhausting too much.

Can anyone relate?

sarahsweets
11-18-16, 06:56 AM
I don't know why I kinda look for long term relationships yet either provoke fights or get tired quickly of routines in relationships and want to leave. It's not I want short flings, I just feel I'm sabotaging or looking for fault to add something missing for me. Bit of tension/ excitement but I know it's exhausting too much.

Can anyone relate?

This is by no means an expert opinion--- I can identify because back in the day with untreated adhd I thrived on drama and conflict. Combine that with poor self esteem and a history of trauma and not feeling deserving and I was a huge self sabotaging type of person with romantic relationships. It was almost like I needed to test my relationships to see if they "really loved me" or if they would leave me, or argue and fight for stimulation. I didnt know then that the stimulation I was looking for was like self medicating.

ADDandConfused
11-18-16, 01:40 PM
Thanks Sarah, yep totally agree. My girlfriend is very sensitive and has had trouble with her boss...I feel like I'm sitting on a barrel of gunpowder trying to light the fuse. I seem to be attracted to sensitive women because they think about things, know what it feels to be low, to feel high and love deeply. But with a slightly provoking personality my relationships are never easy.

I don't know how things will go with my girlfriend and me. We fought all last week to breaking point. I feel differently towards her this week but hoping this will pass. I know she's shaken too.

I don't know if I should date sensitive women, but there are so many amazing things about them.

dvdnvwls
11-18-16, 05:05 PM
Not all with ADHD have this tendency, but I think there are a lot who do. I have a feeling that the best people to talk to are in a pretty specific group: those who used to do it and who have found better ways. I feel like if I tried to help I would say a bunch of useless things because I don't truly "get where you're coming from" on this topic.

ADDandConfused
11-18-16, 07:29 PM
Thanks for message, I agree there are ways I'm sure to change things or make things easier. I'm trying to take a moment to be a bit more compassionate rather than react. Take ownership of how I react rather than just getting upset with her whoever did whatever. It's hard because have to keep second guessing my reactions to things but I want my relationship to work :-\

dvdnvwls
11-18-16, 07:57 PM
One thing that happens with almost all of us who have ADHD is that very early in life we get blamed for tons of stuff that we didn't cause and can't fix and isn't our fault.

If we are blamed far too much and far too often as kids, or if we are just highly sensitive to more normal blame, we can develop a habitual attitude of "F you, this is not my fault" that starts to cover everything in our lives, even at times when it's not useful and not wanted. Do you suspect that thing could form one part of what you're talking about? Or am I far off?

ADDandConfused
11-19-16, 09:33 AM
Yep you perfectly sum this up.

There are our internal/external influences (i.e. I act in a certain way because I want to and because other people have shaped how I react). People have bullied me to be more how they want all my life, to be honest who are they to judge. Sometimes people say useful things, most the time they don't. I work for myself now because I hated the office politics and I am a lot happier for it. I choose my friendships based on who I can be myself with and my relationships are well a work in progress.

But saying F you to my girlfriend (even in my head) feels an overreaction. Yes she says some bad things sometimes but only when we argue. Everyone says crazy things and have at least a few crazy beliefs.

I easily feel pushed around by others. I believe there are ways to push back without feeling threatened. It's totally understandable why I feel threatened, I've had a lot of awful behaviour from others particularly as a kid. But I don't want that to run my life.

I do believe that my relationships should enhance my life rather than be a struggle. We'll see whether my current relationship does...

ADDandConfused
11-19-16, 05:23 PM
Things are getting better between us...hopefully we can be happy together...thanks for your advice!

sarahsweets
11-20-16, 06:58 AM
But saying F you to my girlfriend (even in my head) feels an overreaction. Yes she says some bad things sometimes but only when we argue. Everyone says crazy things and have at least a few crazy beliefs.

My understanding of what DVD meant was that the FU attitude becomes our thick skin and then sometimes it filters over into the wrong situations- like how you mention you wouldnt say FU to her. I think he meant thats when that attitude WOULDNT work out.


I easily feel pushed around by others. I believe there are ways to push back without feeling threatened. It's totally understandable why I feel threatened, I've had a lot of awful behaviour from others particularly as a kid. But I don't want that to run my life.

I will say this though- learning to say f**k off, or go f**k yourself in many situations has been the most freeing thing I have ever learned. Try it in a safe way- like when you get unsolicited advice from a moron.

ADDandConfused
11-23-16, 11:38 AM
Yep too true, it's important to recognise people can be jerks as all too easy to internalise things and self-doubt. My mantra is often "F it" it's amazing how often this applies and can get on with living, turning my back on the annoyances of this world!

dvdnvwls
11-24-16, 02:32 PM
Yes - we end up having to ignore (for our own sanity) a great deal of well-meaning advice that turns out to be wrong, along with obviously having to try to shut out the effects of the a-holes of the world.

And then we are in a relationship with someone and they give some well-meaning advice... Problems ensue. :(