View Full Version : Sex, boredom and marriage


Crazylove2002
11-18-16, 09:35 PM
Hello, first post and a bit overwhelmed.

I'm not officially diagnosed but am 98.7% positive I have inattentive ADHD. I'm 33 and have been married for 13 years. Sounds like conflicting statements, right? I will spare you the details but I have lived in a perfect world that has masked my ADHD this entire time. I have been learning and researching everything related to ADHD and have learned a lot over the past month.

One huge concern I have currently is within my marriage. I have been married to my wife for 13 years. We have always had a tumultuous relationship but presently I'm struggling with something else, boredom.

We have lived with a new, more exciting circumstance each year since we were married. Our life has been crazy to say the least. We have 6 kids, moved out of state away from family, filled bankruptcy, bought a huge historic house and are trying to rehab it along with several job changes and starting two business.

My wife thought I was having a mid life crisis starting around two years ago. What I have come to realize is that I stopped having that next high/rush to look forward to. I am totally bored in our relationship, mainly on the sexual side of things. We have always had sexul issues but there has always been something to distract me from them. We have both been very sexual with each other, mainly me pushing her for new things but she's mostly been willing.

So I'm trying to put all this stuff together and what I have found is suggestions that I need to have a large list of positions, activities and fetishes to keep me happy. Problem is that we have done so freaking much and rotate it often that I'm bored with that also. Basically, I need more excitement in the form of contact with others. She's not on board with swinging or opening our relationship and I completely understand that. Shes also supper ****** that im having this issue and im afraid its leading toward divorce. My problem is that I don't know how to deal with this. I feel like I'm set up to fail with my desire for the next high.

I love my wife but feel like I'm stuck. I will not leave her nor will I have an affair but at the same time I feel like I need something more.

Anyone else been in a similar situation?
How have you delt with it?
Am I just an ******* and need to suck it up?

BellaVita
11-19-16, 12:31 AM
Hello and welcome to the forums.

At least you are being honest with yourself and her, those are important things.

My first suggestion would be to go and get diagnosed with ADHD and start stimulant medication treatment. You might find your boredom evaporate and you will find a new rush in life once you feel more in control and satisfied with yourself.

Have you and your wife been to counseling? Either separate or together?

Your wife might be super starstarstarstar that you're "having this issue" because she might be hurt and afraid that you might leave her, or hurt that you're not satisfied, and feeling hurt about the suggestion of an open marriage or swinging.

It seems like she is willing to try new things.

Sounds like she really does care.

It also sounds like you are aware of the issues and ways you're feeling.

I again want to say how important and life-changing treatment can be for ADHD. Please just make an appointment with a psychiatrist and tell them every symptom you've been having. Maybe bring in a written list of symptoms, that is what helped me. That way you won't forget anything.

Best of luck! :)

sarahsweets
11-19-16, 02:47 AM
I wish I had more to say. You seem like a good guy at least because you have been honest about how you feel. I am sure you know you cant blame your wife for not wanting to swing. I agree with Bella- get diagnosed. What kinds of symptoms have you had? How long have you had them?
It could be depression, anxiety or pressure from your busy life. I would be overwhelmed with all you have going on. 6 kids is a lot to handle as well.
How is parenting together? Do you both agree on how to do that? Are the kids ok?

dvdnvwls
11-19-16, 12:19 PM
IMO, swinging is something that is far enough outside the lines of marriage expectations that no one should be asked for it during an existing marriage - I think it's something that people need to have known they were signing up for since before the wedding, so that they have a chance to say no without feeling any pressure. (I would say the same thing about intentional long-term abstinence - not OK unless it was part of the deal from the very beginning.)

Obviously just one person's opinion.

Joker_Girl
11-19-16, 03:50 PM
Have you considered trying adhd meds? They really may help so that you are not randomly seeking out new ways of trying to stimulate.

You have a lot on your plate, and I know the more stuff I have going on, the more nutty I am in absolutely every way, I am all over the place, and meds help,

Congrats on your old house btw. :) I am a huge fan of old houses and have a big old house myself, that is about 150 years old.

Try to continue to have open communication with your wife. However I can see the wife swapping idea shaking her to the core. I would personally be distressed if my husband came at me with that. If she is a good woman, a good wife and mom, you do not want to lose this. It is unlikely sex with a different person would really be that much different, and it's not worth the risk to your family.

Can you take a little holiday together? Vacations always are a good time to connect with each other, renew your friendship, and have some sexy fun time.

I know there are people who make the open marriage thing work, but just speaking for my own self, I would get jealous. I think a lot of women are like that. And men, too.

Maybe try to seduce her in every room of your big old house? ;)

SB1985
11-19-16, 04:12 PM
Hey man - I love this thread. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I've literally never had a relationship in which I didn't get bored having sex with her. I know a lot of men say they need variety, but to me it comes across as more of a "luxury" than anything else. I look at long term marriages and relationships and truly have no idea how they stay faithful to each other. I don't think it makes you an *******, unless it makes me one too. I would love to see if, and how, anyone has ever overcome this

dvdnvwls
11-19-16, 05:42 PM
Being bored certainly doesn't make you a bad person.

Your wife or GF could be bored right now too, or have some other dissatisfaction - doesn't make her a bad person either.

How you solve that boredom, or how she might solve her own dissatisfaction, requires more than that type of simplistic justification though. The fact that nobody is a bad person for not being totally satisfied doesn't make it OK for them to do just any old thing to solve it - there are a lot of things to consider.

sarahsweets
11-20-16, 06:45 AM
Hey man - I love this thread. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I've literally never had a relationship in which I didn't get bored having sex with her. I know a lot of men say they need variety, but to me it comes across as more of a "luxury" than anything else. I look at long term marriages and relationships and truly have no idea how they stay faithful to each other. I don't think it makes you an *******, unless it makes me one too. I would love to see if, and how, anyone has ever overcome this

I have been married for over 21 years now and still have amazing sex a few times a week.

dvdnvwls
11-20-16, 12:26 PM
I look at long term marriages and relationships and truly have no idea how they stay faithful to each other. I don't think it makes you an *******, unless it makes me one too. I would love to see if, and how, anyone has ever overcome this
I think this seemingly simple question has many many different answers that are based on a lot of different aspects of life, and different points of view. For example, why do people find sex to be good in the first place? There are different answers to that, many of them perfectly legitimate answers, but each of them may lead the conversation in quite different directions.

Some people may give you "The Answer" (ha!) based on their experience, but they might be far off track according to your own experience.

One answer that you can try, and it's a left-field answer for sure: Maybe you never liked sex much anyway; maybe you've been in it just for the thrilling exciting quality of new situations.

Crazylove2002
11-20-16, 02:30 PM
Thanks to all for the responses!

To bring you all up to date with where I'm at, I just realized what I'm dealing with about 2 months ago. Like I stated before, my wife thought I was having a midlife crisis about 2 years ago. I went to the doctor and discussed my problems with him and immediately was prescribed Zoloft, I had depression. This totally made sense at the time. It started kicking in and I stopped worrying about things in life. Thought I was fixed! What Zoloft did was take away my motivating factor in life which was a fear of conflict and need for approval. I quickly started having major issues at work. I had been on Zoloft for about a year and just stopped it about 45 days ago. I am so glad to be done with that stuff. I asked my doc about ADHD and he gave me a referral for testing since he want comfortable with making a dignosis. I waited a month for my appointment just to have them call the day before and cancel, sounded like they unexpectedly lost their ADHD doc. Now I have an apt in February with another place. Seriously annoyed by this.

The reason I got off zoloft was I started to research why I was struggling so much and I stumbled across inattentive ADHD. I never would have considered ADHD, I wasn't hyper at all! But when I started getting into the details it was a perfect fit for me. I took all the online tests I could find, learned about the symptoms and generally tried to disprove it as my issue. I didn't believe I had it for a while and was really only convinced after talking to my mom. I asked her how I was when I was young and explained what I thought might be my issue and she's was like "bingo you got it". Then she explains that she just recently saw a doc about her issues, went through testing and she now has an inattentive adhd diagnosis, at 60 years old! I asked her to send me my report cards and she did. What I found was really interesting, consistent comments of not trying hard enough, not paying attention, grade achieved with help from teacher and inattentive in class. One of my favorites was a note given to me by my teacher telling me that she thought I was bored as I often had a blank expression on my face. The same things I'm struggling with now were always there.

I was able to list issues i have that might be related to adhd and it was amazing to see the connections. I have pages of how I'm affected in my personal life and in my professional life. It's absolutely amazing, I don't have enough room to connect all the dots here.

At this point I'm just trying not to dwell on the things that could have been easier in life and focus on realizing how this affects others in my life. My wife should have left me long ago with all the BS I put her through. We parent well together and I have a great relationship with my kids.

The issue at hand with sex in my marriage is crazy. I don't understand the feelings I have and have really screwed up with how I have explained them to her. We have lots of sex and it is exciting. Most men would die for the sex life I have and yet I'm bored? The thing that interests me most and also comforts me is that I want more exciting expirences together and not separately. I guess this makes me feel less like an a hole. I have always been a thrill seeker and am always pushing for that next rush.

She keeps saying she just wants that 18 year old boy back that was maddly in love with her. Hearing this kills me inside.

dvdnvwls
11-20-16, 06:32 PM
She is saying those words because she has no idea how else to say what she means. She doesn't realize it might hurt to hear it that way, or she feels that it's so urgent that she has to say it some way instead of staying silent.

Gently ask what she means and try to find out how that can translate into reality for the two of you. Obviously you'll never be 18 again and neither will she - but that doesn't matter. What matters is that together you two find out how to make the situation turn out well for both of you.

sarahsweets
11-21-16, 05:52 AM
The issue at hand with sex in my marriage is crazy. I don't understand the feelings I have and have really screwed up with how I have explained them to her. We have lots of sex and it is exciting. Most men would die for the sex life I have and yet I'm bored? The thing that interests me most and also comforts me is that I want more exciting expirences together and not separately. I guess this makes me feel less like an a hole. I have always been a thrill seeker and am always pushing for that next rush.



This is something that therapy can help you with because it has nothing to do with her.
The sex issues are all you- and my guess is that for years it has grounded you emotionally in certain ways, and now its not doing what it used to do, so you are looking for ways to make it work the way it used to for you again.
I dont think this is at all about sex. If that was the case then more sex or different sex would have helped fix the problem.
I am not sure I believe its about being bored either.
I believe its emotional at the root and only you will be able to address it.
The best way to change your circumstances are to first change your expectations.

ToneTone
11-21-16, 10:08 PM
You have the feeling of boredom. It is what it is. No use blaming yourself for that feeling any more than it makes sense to give yourself wild praise for the desire you used to feel.

I had a previous therapist who was amazing with issues like this ... She had a speciality in sex and sexuality ... And she would share some of her insights with me because I was so terrible at intimacy with women ... And her view was that a lot of sexual problems are rooted in intimacy problems and fears and unrealistic expectations.

See if you can take that feeling of boredom not as a sign that you're a bad partner and all of that ... but rather as as a clue that something else is up. That something else could be anything from you are secretly mad at your spouse (but don't want to admit it) to you're feeling really scared and vulnerable with the sex (because the newness is now out of the picture) to many other things.
The feeling of boredom has to be investigated. And don't assume that investigating the feeling means trouble. The opposite is most likely true: not investigating the feeling (with real compassion) will cause trouble with the marriage.

This therapist would also say to not think so much about reviving the old feelings and desire. Think instead about having new and powerful feelings emerge that meet your needs as the person you are right now!

There's some part of you that needs to be expressed and it's not just "excitement." And you're probably not used to investigating your emotional needs very well. The quick panic and guilt (which are my reflexes as well) tell me you're scared, scared that you are a bad person, scared that you might want out of the marriage or that you might want other women sexually. But don't go there.
Assume that you can get your desires met in the marriage.

You sound like a sensitive and thoughtful person and here you are apologizing for not having exciting sex. For now, connect with your goodness and assume there is something "wholesome" to be discovered by this lack of interest on your part. Trust me: this "boredom" didn't just randomly arrive. Something is going on that you're not in touch with. And that's OK!

I'd get to a therapist on this. Someone with a sexuality focus could be good, but not necessarily. Just someone good on relationships. And it might not even take that long get to what's going on. What you might find (and this was a recurring theme with this old therapist) is that you are too much in performance mode not just in the bedroom but in other parts of the marriage as well. You're probably really self-critical and maybe all the pressure you're feeling is showing up through this "boredom."

Hope this helps. I may be off track ... But I have experienced feelings like this and what I've learned is that the feelings don't make you are bad person. They are indicators, alarms sort of going off and it's up to us to pay attention to the alarms and figure out what adjustments we need to make. (Most likely these alarms were going off earlier and you just didn't pay attention to them because you're not used to doing so.) The ultimate result on nonjudgmentally investigating these feelings will be a deeper intimacy with your wife--and with yourself! I know that sounds corny, but seriously, that's my thinking.

Good luck.

Tone

sarahsweets
11-22-16, 09:42 AM
Alot of people not diagnosed but that need to be, "self medicate". By that I dont necessarily mean drugs and alcohol but stimulation. This can be played out as a hobbie, sports, but IME its stuff like sex or even arguing- when i wasnt on meds or married, I would sometimes pick a fight- because it stimulated me mentally. I suggest seeing a doctor pronto, and if diagnosed meds.

Crazylove2002
11-22-16, 09:09 PM
Great insight from everyone! Some really deep stuff.

I considered looking into therapy, both for me alone and couples/marriage counselling. I wish I had the diagnosis already just so I would know for sure what I already believe. Taking meds seems to be life changing for many and I cant hardly wait to move on. Im hopeful that I will see some significant changes.

I think the comment about self medicating really makes sense with me. I can see a pattern of using several different methods to help deal with certain areas in my life.

Something I just really started thinking about is how my actions have affected her. Currently she is living in my disaster that I have created. I have a huge house and not a single room that is fully complete. I know she's not happy with my decisions and where we are at in life. Im starting to think if I could just start completing things and making her life more comfortable than this would all sort itself out.

dvdnvwls
11-24-16, 02:42 PM
I get what you're saying. To "start completing things" (doesn't that sound ridiculous when you compare the first two words?) :) - that would be great. However, with ADHD, you know that is not going to happen the way you hope.

In the "completing things game", it's time to cheat. It's time to hire someone, or get friends who are good at that stuff to help, or whatever. If you haven't completed those things, assume that you never will until you have help.

You're not stupid. You want to complete those projects. If you could, you would have done it already. The fact it isn't done proves either you're stupid or you need help. You're smart. Therefore you must need help.

finallyfound10
11-26-16, 12:16 PM
Could you look into finding a place that could take you before February so you could get your formal diagnosis earlier and perhaps get started on meds? I was tested through a private psychologist and paid out of pocket but maybe you could find one that is covered by your insurance.