View Full Version : Losing myself, Losing my mind, Wish someone would tell me I'm fine...


tom12983
11-20-16, 09:52 PM
I joined this forum a long time ago. I have great difficulty in writing this... I got married 12 years and 5 children ago. Flash forward and I'm not the same person. "Well that changes everyone silly!" No. I mean REALLY not the same person. My mental illness(es) have changed me. I am beginning to REALLY notice. I am always angry with my children and wife, unless I really try with a great deal of focus and effort and it only lasts for a short while. I am causing permanent damage somehow I fear. I never want to be home because of my anxiety. I am always trying to escape. There sooo much I could say.
But it all comes down... I have no hope left. I am only getting worse. I take my meds. Are they healing me or are they making my symptoms worse?

I am increasingly thinking that things might actually and truly be better for everyone including myself if I was to disappear. I have zero friends and I wish that was an exaggeration but it's the cold hard truth.

I spontaneously cry more frequently. The pain is so powerful that I go alone in my house to sob so my wife and children won't hear... They don't know. "I'm sick of this life, I just want to SCREAM! How can this happen to me??? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxZ2KWCi3SE)"

I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of myself. I am afraid of my thoughts. I am afraid that I am losing my fear of checking out. I can see a scenario where I could actually cause less damage by not existing than actually passing all of this stuff on to my children and being unkind to my wife. I hate what I have become.

Greyhound1
11-21-16, 02:17 AM
I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. Please try to remain strong and seek out more effective treatment.:grouphug:

BellaVita
11-21-16, 02:56 AM
:grouphug:

I'm so sorry you have so much pain. No one should have to feel like that.

Do you mind me asking what medications you're taking?

I definitely think it is a good idea to call your psychiatrist and make an appointment ASAP, tell him/her what you've written here, maybe a medication adjustment or switching medications entirely is something that needs done.

Please don't give up, things might be dark now but it doesn't always have to be this bad.

Please keep coming back here, we are here to support you. :grouphug:

sarahsweets
11-21-16, 05:15 AM
I also am curious as to what meds you take and if you are in therapy?

InvitroCanibal
11-29-16, 03:21 AM
1-800-273-8255 national crisis hotline

I suppose you may wonder what or who is on the other end of that number but it doesn't matter. What matters is that they care. People care Tom. I care if you get better and I have not met you.

You can't lose yourself, but you can lose sight over what matters most to you in life. Most of the time we spend our whole life not knowing what matters most to us until we lose it or we feel it slipping away. You have to face what matters to you now because you don't want to lose it, because once you jnow what it is that you are afraid of losing, you'll find so much more meaning in your life. This is a chance to figure out what life is about for you. Don't squander it.

Fuzzy12
11-29-16, 04:17 AM
I'm so sorry you are struggling. Please get help. Maybe your needs need tweaking or maybe talking it out in therapy will help but don't try and sort this on your own. Good luck.:grouphug:

Meadd
03-30-17, 04:04 PM
I am sorry you're feeling this way my friend...
No you are not crazy! or loosing it... just the fact that you took the time to write your post here tells me (us) you are way ahead of the game...

My quick thoughts:
Does your wife know of your dxs and what about your children?
It took a lot of courage to be fully honest at home, let alone the outside world.
You are safe posting here, even tho I disappeared from the forums for years, I've found myself coming back, as I too have felt lately I loose my cool easily... I am restless irritable and discontent, and know I cannot self medicate with alcohol or drugs to escape...

Sharing with a trusted face to face friend helps... Going for brisk walks work for me...I have other issues as well for which I work 12 steps in AA, Alanon, and EA...

HANG IN THERE! ONE DAY AT A TIME!
PEACE

BloopLoops
10-18-17, 05:52 PM
I can relate to some of what you are saying here. I feel like I am holding back my wife from finding a guy that would be better for her. I have been knocked on my *** by my mood disorders more times than I can count at this point. I now have a child and a wife, house, two cars and so on. On disability and ends are not meeting. Good times. It is a great way to feel like you are not the best choice for your family.

I am often angry. Always all over the place. And now trying to figure out what the hell I can do for a living. Stacking on the meds on top of meds on top of meds to make it through the days.

Make sure you talk to someone. Even if you just start by reaching out to a support hotline. Seek out a mood disorders support group. Talk to other people. The bottom line is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Never forget this. You say that you have no friends, I am the same way. I have many acquaintances but no close friends that I see on an ongoing basis. Here and there. But I know that I am not alone.

Take care!