View Full Version : Thinking about children!


Dancer6210
11-21-16, 10:33 PM
Hello everyone! My boyfriend and I are seriously considering a future together and going to the next step in our relationship which would be marriage. Some background information -- he was born a preemie at 27 weeks and had bleeding on his brain at birth. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child (wondering if it was due to his problems as a preemie) and currently does not take medicine. For the most part he is fine except being distracted and forgetting to do things here and there. My family has no history of ADHD/ADD.

Although not a deal breaker by any means, I am curious how many people have had children with someone when one partner has ADHD and whether or not their children were diagnosed as well?

sarahsweets
11-22-16, 09:38 AM
My husband and I both have adhd. All three of our kids have it. Some people note a genetic or layman's pattern of families having adhd. I wonder if our kids have it because both of their parents do.

Fuzzy12
11-22-16, 10:01 AM
I think if adhd was caused by trauma to the brain as kight uave been in your boyfriend's case if I understand correctly then it's probably not inheritable. In most other cases the likelihood of inheritance seems quite large.

ToneTone
11-22-16, 09:17 PM
This might help ... ADHD, as others have said, is highly inheritable. So here's a question for you ... Take a look at his family: does his mother or father or a sibling seem to have ADHD?

That's obviously not definitive. But for example, my mother was from a generation not diagnosed, but she clearly would meet the symptoms of the condition today as did both of my brothers. My father--no, totally organized guy.

Is there a reason he's not taking medication?

Just know this ... parenting will add a huge load and set of responsibilities. Partly think of ADHD as this way ... symtoms of ADHD are likely to increase with an increase in demands and responsibilities ... In other words, I could handle my life in high school. The day was highly structured. I also played basketball, which meant I HAD to go to bed on time or else the coach would yell at me ... Once I moved away to college, my cognitive load increased and things started to fall apart.

Raising children is of course, the ultimate responsibility. So I'm asking about why he isn't taking medication just to see if he's open to doing so down the load with marriage and children. He may need a stimulant then. And I would set GET THAT ON THE TABLE NOW. You don't wanna be arguing about him getting treated later. Get an agreement on that now.

Just my two cents.

Tone

kilted_scotsman
11-23-16, 01:21 PM
Having kids can have a bog impact on an ADDer.

for me it knocked out almost all my coping strategies and I went from someone who thought life was grand to meltdown in the space of a few years.

I feel that families where one or both parents have ADHD cope successfully if they don't seek to conform to cultural expectations around being a parent, are resilient and ave found ways of living that are ADHD friendly.

what this means for you is almost impossible to predict. If you consider that you can survive OK on your own and anything your partner brings is a bonus, that's a good place to start.

As sarahsweets says, trying meds now, before they might be needed is a good start, likewise putting in place solid support networks that can be accessed if things get wobbly is also important.....

THere's a recent study that indicates kids are influenced more by the fathers positivity around parenting rather than the amount of actual parenting activity they do.....An interesting result that has implications for the male ADDer and their partners !

It can be difficult to resist acting on the parental conditioning we received in our family.... even someone who is adamant they will parent in a different way can get sucked into copying the parenting style of their own parents..... which can cause conflict between partners if they are incompatible.

Fathers in particular can get sucked into the role of "provider" even if it goes against their previous way of being.... the societal pressure is heavy on both partners and often pulls in different directions.

In my view if ADHD is present int he relationship, it's important for both partners to have a really good understanding of themselves and the ability to communicate openly and candidly before having kids. ADHD relationships are unique, the condition means that partners have to ditch most assumptions about relationship and work out what's important for them...... the same applies to parenting.

It can work wonderfully, but it takes work!

sarahsweets
11-24-16, 04:27 AM
It can be difficult to resist acting on the parental conditioning we received in our family.... even someone who is adamant they will parent in a different way can get sucked into copying the parenting style of their own parents..... which can cause conflict between partners if they are incompatible.

My husband and I swore we would never parent like our parents parented us. Its worked out well- but there are always those 'trigger moments' where you have to hit the pause button so you dont react in knee jerk fashion, the way your parents would have reacted. Its very important to be consistent.
An example would be- we have always told the kids, no matter where you are or what you are doing- if someone has been drinking or using drugs OR if my kids had been drinking or using drugs to call us day or night and we will come get them and they wont be in trouble. The idea is to not end up with dead kids just because they were too afraid of being grounded to ask for help.My son is 20 and we had to go get him from a friends house because they had all been smoking pot and my son rode with other people and left his car in town.
He called us at 1am and we went to get him. We kept our word,thanked him for making the right decision and had a talk about drugs and alcohol and all that. I think he kept waiting for us to turn on him. We had to fight the urge to get all angry and parental on him but we knew if that happened,he would never trust us or believe us again.

This hasnt encouraged him to get drunk and call us for a ride like Uber, it actually caused him to be a better self evaluator. Its sooo important to keep your word and be consistent as parents.

casper
11-24-16, 10:17 AM
Sarah sweets, my parents always did the same thing when we were younger. No question , call us anytime and we will pick you up. Hell they prob would still do it o this day and we're all in our 30s

Jeftheginger
11-24-16, 11:04 AM
ADD is caused by many things and no one can be blamed or thanked for that. However the chances of a child having ADD when his parents did is much greater than not. I have ADHD, my dad had ADHD, his dad had ADHD, wins brother had ADHD, his father. You get the idea?

Dancer6210
11-27-16, 11:13 PM
Thank you everyone for all the helpful tips! My boyfriend did take Ritalin from age 5 to age 12 then they stopped it because he was having bad side effects. He was okay without it all through high school. He is a volunteer firefighter and a paramedic and is amazing at both. It was a good point to bring up, about whether or not he'd be willing to take medicine in the future and he definitely would (we had a long discussion about it, thanks to you guys!) I'm getting ready to graduate with my masters in Speech Pathology in a few months, so I am hoping my training and background will help if anything!

One thing I would like to add is that he was diagnosed at age 3 which seems a bit odd to me because I was under the impression it is usually diagnosed later, around 4 or 5. Considering he was born very premature, in the ICU for months with so many complications, the early diagnose seemed suprising to me! Does anyone agree with that?
I asked him what he was like as a kid and he said he was just really active and was bored a lot (only child with very overweight parents). He said he always did really well in school.

Very interesting study about the father'a positivity towards parenting having a stronger impact as well, I liked that!

When I look at his family, he is an only child so I have nothing to go off of there. His parents are both hoarders but his dad shows no signs of ADHD. His mom is a little "out there" and gets distracted during conversation sometimes but she's just socially little weird so it is hard for me to tell. His uncle mentioned one time that he has ADHD as well but none of his cousins do. That is all I know of from the family history.

Thank you for all of the advice :)

sarahsweets
11-28-16, 06:02 AM
One thing I would like to add is that he was diagnosed at age 3 which seems a bit odd to me because I was under the impression it is usually diagnosed later, around 4 or 5. Considering he was born very premature, in the ICU for months with so many complications, the early diagnose seemed suprising to me! Does anyone agree with that?
My son was diagnosed at age 3.5 and began meds at age 4. Its something I would say is more rare, but not unheard of. If memory serves, is it true that preemies can have issues later in life like adhd?(someone chime in on that unless Im correct)

I asked him what he was like as a kid and he said he was just really active and was bored a lot (only child with very overweight parents). He said he always did really well in school.

That can be hard on any kid, adhd or not. Be aware though, we are notoriously poor self evaluators- so his evaluation of his childhood might not be as objective as he thinks it is.

Dancer6210
11-28-16, 06:58 PM
Thanks for the feedback about your son, I haven't heard of anyone else being diagnosed so young. It is definitely true that preemies are more likely to develop ADHD later in life. It is especially true about preemies with head injuries, which my boyfriend also had.

I agree with you about being poor self evaluators so I can't be sure on what he says about his childhood. I do know he had a poor diet and two obese parents who are hoarders as well. He never once had a friend over his house, very sad :(