View Full Version : Nothing works out for me


madmax988
11-22-16, 01:59 PM
Speaking only from the point of dating/love
No one.Simply NO ONE seems to stick with me or get particularly attracted to me for reasons unknown. Im not a repulsive guy in the least,fun to talk to with a good personality. I've over the recent years come out of the shell and started asking out girls for dates or to just plain hang out,but it seems like cupid has a personal vendetta against me. Im not awkward and reasonably confident plus a patient listener.

I'd recently been involved with a very wonderful girl,though it was long distance she seemed really charmed and interested at first but since pursuing her doctorate she's busy with exam preps and still trying to get over a recent breakup. I do like her a lot,but it seems cupid just came down and said "you're on your own buddy" and disappeared. All the women either want to be just friends or are already seeing someone. The girl I liked,it seems she led me on and just makes out with her male besties randomly and it punched a hole in my heart with an exit wound.(though I didn't want that to happen)She reasons its just a 'physical thing' and Im the one who actually melts her but I'm not buying any of it.Needless to say being a virgin at 28 is downright depressing and I feel as though I'll continue to be so till I'm 40 or something. I'm not desperate,but I don't appreciate the fact that Im just sickly unlucky,in EVERY aspect of life and it's just grinding me down. Any sort of a romantic relationship ends up in the dirt or just derails quickly.Is this really the end of the road for me?

Then there was an another one who did like me,and I liked her a lot,she was really gorgeous but she was a divorcee with a kid:scratch: That's just a cruel joke fate played on me,I'm simply not ready or able to take that kind of a responsibility but she got hitched recently so good for her.I'm officially always friend-zoned and it seems if you're a reasonably good person,has adhd and talks politely you're automatically put in the good guys finish last category.I'd really need help with some advice on how to cope with all this,instead of the "everyone goes through it" rhetoric my ex seems to come up with.

Jeftheginger
11-22-16, 08:40 PM
Hugs lots of hugs.
:grouphug::grouphug:
:grouphug::grouphug:
:grouphug::grouphug:

BellaVita
11-22-16, 10:31 PM
Sorry you're going through this.

Have you tried online dating?

Or joining a group hobby where you could meet people?

I hope your heart heals. :grouphug:

madmax988
11-23-16, 10:52 AM
Sorry you're going through this.

Have you tried online dating?

Or joining a group hobby where you could meet people?

I hope your heart heals. :grouphug:

Na I don't trust it too much.Always a risk of wasting time with trolls
More of an old school guy.Would rather meet and socialize.Would give it a try if I'm convinced enough of its authenticity..
I process aspects like love/romance differently.Love can NEVER be a one way traffic.I hit a dead end all the time,its that volatile
Healing will take lots of time,its not that easy...but I do have a few close buddies I share stuff with and they don't judge.

madmax988
11-23-16, 10:56 AM
Hugs lots of hugs.
:grouphug::grouphug:
:grouphug::grouphug:
:grouphug::grouphug:
i need em :'-(

Fuzzy12
11-23-16, 11:15 AM
Na I don't trust it too much.Always a risk of wasting time with trolls
More of an old school guy.Would rather meet and socialize.Would give it a try if I'm convinced enough of its authenticity..
I process aspects like love/romance differently.Love can NEVER be a one way traffic.I hit a dead end all the time,its that volatile
Healing will take lots of time,its not that easy...but I do have a few close buddies I share stuff with and they don't judge.

There is thst risk but still it's worth trying. In the worst case you'll waste a bit of time but you might meet someone great. Just stay safe.

Also have you considered asking your buddies if they know someone? Or maybe your relatives do?

Also do you live with or close to your parents or other relatives? Try snd attend as many functions as possible. Weddings, etc are good places to meet girls or just people in general.

sarahsweets
11-23-16, 11:34 AM
The girl I liked,it seems she led me on and just makes out with her male besties randomly and it punched a hole in my heart with an exit wound.(though I didn't want that to happen)She reasons its just a 'physical thing' and Im the one who actually melts her but I'm not buying any of it
What makes you think she "led you on?" Dont you think its more like...she was just being herself and you had expectations that were not met?



Then there was an another one who did like me,and I liked her a lot,she was really gorgeous but she was a divorcee with a kid:scratch: That's just a cruel joke fate played on me
So, you liked her but the joke was on you- just because she was a mother?

.I'm officially always friend-zoned and it seems if you're a reasonably good person,has adhd and talks politely you're automatically put in the good guys finish last category.I'd really need help with some advice on how to cope with all this,instead of the "everyone goes through it" rhetoric my ex seems to come up with.

Well, you seem to have the idea that things keep happening to you- as if its a woman's problem for wanting to be friends with you [which I think is a greater compliment) and that you are owed better than that.
I am not trying t rail you btw just weighing in on why things are like this: it all comes down to expectations. You have them-and get dissappointed when it doesnt play out the way you wanted it to. Where are you going to meet women? Do you have hobbies or other interests?

I can tell you that we women can sense things about guys- and the negativity can be toxic for your self esteem. Have you ever tried therapy?It could help you work through some things so that all the good stuff I know is in there, will shine through. A good guy friend is very attractive, and I am not saying you are doing this- but it sounds like you are in blame mode. And I can see why for sure-but subconsciously it can turn women off if their 'spidey sense' tells them that you want something to happen in a specific way, when you want it.

I think there is good in you, you just need to find a way to shine from within.

madmax988
11-23-16, 05:03 PM
What makes you think she "led you on?" Dont you think its more like...she was just being herself and you had expectations that were not met?
Let me clarify.Sure,she was being herself but we were deeply involved.Maybe not in a relationship yet,but at the stage it started to look pretty serious.Where does one draw a line? Its weird,idk..stopped thinking about it much.Anyway its her life.I'm not blaming anyone.Nor myself.But its over now for good.




So, you liked her but the joke was on you- just because she was a mother?

No but because there's a kid involved.Its not easy and am not ready for that kind of a commitment, and certainly NOT a family sort of a guy.I'm really good friends with her though,like I said things have worked for her,Im truly happy for that.
These 2 were just random examples excluding many a



Well, you seem to have the idea that things keep happening to you- as if its a woman's problem for wanting to be friends with you [which I think is a greater compliment) and that you are owed better than that.
That escalated quickly.

look,I think its better to try and find some workable way rather than pointing fingers as its gonna lead nowhere.There's some good in all of us..maybe let's get that out of the way coz it still doesn't address the core issue.
There's noone to blame except maybe luck,and its more than disappointing,and its OK for me to be;when more than half my friends are easily getting hitched.I know cribbing won't help,but probably a l-o-n-g hiatus will. Its just a hard reality of life.some sail through,some struggle.maybe Im destined for the latter.

madmax988
11-23-16, 05:13 PM
Also have you considered asking your buddies if they know someone? Or maybe your relatives do?

Also do you live with or close to your parents or other relatives? Try snd attend as many functions as possible. Weddings, etc are good places to meet girls or just people in general.

I live with my dad,yes. Thing is,I don't get along too well with my immediate family or relatives in the least.But yeah I do socialize,its really important and its always great to meet new people and have an open mind..

Fuzzy12
11-23-16, 08:13 PM
Is arranged marriage an option at all? A few of my friends have arranged marriages and are really happy now. Two of my friends were really against it and wanted to find someone on their own but nothing worked out and they got so lonely and frustrated. One of them met someone through a sort of marriage website like shaadi.com I think and the other one met someone through their parents and they have both great marriages now and are really happy.

I hope this isn't offensive. I just mean even if that's not what tyou are looking for if the option exists it might not be the worst thing to Consider.

madmax988
11-24-16, 05:58 AM
Is arranged marriage an option at all? A few of my friends have arranged marriages and are really happy now. Two of my friends were really against it and wanted to find someone on their own but nothing worked out and they got so lonely and frustrated. One of them met someone through a sort of marriage website like shaadi.com I think and the other one met someone through their parents and they have both great marriages now and are really happy.

I hope this isn't offensive. I just mean even if that's not what tyou are looking for if the option exists it might not be the worst thing to Consider.

Arranged marriages are more of a norm where I'm from.But I'm surely not considering marriage for now.gotta sort far too many issues first.And call me crazy I'm not a marriage/family material.Im more open to live-in's,and that's only possible when I get to live separately. Yeah,that's quite a stretch..but that's how I roll.I'm total anti-establishment:p

No mate you've been helpful all along,and I truly appreciate it. LOL I know the site.We have far too many jokes here ending with "....let's search shaadi.com for you".It's many a times viewed as a last bastion for wimps who can't get hitched/laid. I'm not one,I still choose to fight with the mantra 'earn the woman you like' Who knows what the future holds..
Slight O.T
This song pretty much sums up the story of my life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYE4CVhVkhw
(seen em live last year):o

madmax988
11-24-16, 08:58 AM
No but because there's a kid involved.Its not easy and am not ready for that kind of a commitment, and certainly NOT a family sort of a guy.I'm really good friends with her though,like I said things have worked for her,Im truly happy for that.
These 2 were just random examples excluding many a




Pardon I left that last sentence
Meant to say these 2 are the latest cases but things were worse,there had been quite a few spiteful women who have blocked me for no reason,patronizing and with a puffed up superiority complex possibly hiding their own insecurities. I've nothing to do with such sad excuse of humans anymore.I've had a share of such females,when I tried to be reasonable friendly with mild flirting(they weren't in any relationship) they had their friends calling me to 'back off' and 'mind my own business'
That's so polite of them right? Like its my fault I was conversing with em. This is the sorta stuff I had to deal with for a long time.Nothing romantic about it i guess,no?

Little Missy
11-24-16, 12:56 PM
Maybe you could meet Lloyd. You and him have a lot in common on here and could probably help one another. :)

madmax988
12-01-16, 12:58 PM
Maybe you could meet Lloyd. You and him have a lot in common on here and could probably help one another. :)

Sure and thanks so much

I'd been purposely out of touch for quite a while with the girl I mentioned. She then pinged me up asking if I was Ok,I later replied and inquired how her exams were going on but also explained how hard it was for me to get over my stupid feelings and feeling shattered.I think I shouldn't have said that because she'd been dealing with her own issues and hearing this, just burst out crying and scolded me a LOT:umm1:
My stupid a** ADD brain can't deal with attachment and I end up screwing up everything. I get attached quite fast and understandably this may become awkward and silly to the other person. And I take the bait;end up hurting myself REALLY bad. No doubt I was involved with this girl but she may have the magic ability to keep an emotional distance that I lack.

For now my soul's at peace ONLY when 1)sleeping 2)am high 3)listening to my metal music 4)work 5)Weekend bike rides

I honestly gave it my best to be a better person/companion but noone's interested.I came across some old text messages where this "good friend" I met at local gigs,(she and her friend) whom we hit it off quite well,common interests and everything; later on told me,over a very petty and nonsensical argument that she or her friend is "simply not interested in me or my useless crap" Well I don't care anymore but it did hurt bad back then. That's how its always been rolling. I truly have nothing to say right now :/

Fuzzy12
12-01-16, 01:17 PM
:grouphug::grouphug:

Invest in yourself and your interest for now then. That's never time wasted and you might meet some nice people on the way.

madmax988
12-04-16, 07:37 AM
<rant>
I could call this an 'accomplishment' which might sound hilarious to you,but I had broken away from my shell and made an effort to strike up a conversation with an old college crush who's now a successful entrepreneur.I even asked her out for a beer to which she readily agreed but never came:p Over a period of time say 2 months we had been chatted up regularly and I once asked if we could date.I'm generally open about my feelings and tell someone that I like them(without sounding desperate,swear) Her answer was simple but shattering.Something on the likes of "no there's no attraction"
I thought I was a fairly decent guy and dont exactly look like a pig.Anyway today she's happily dating someone who's a doctor with fancy degrees and what not.Good for them. And I'm here clapping and congratulating people getting hitched. Of course I've been seeing other women that I've already mentioned but never had any luck except heartbreaks. I come across people my age dating beautiful women so easily,and I wonder why was I destined to suck so much like I do in all other aspects of life.Its beyond depressing.
Am I a textbook definition of a loser? I might as well laminate a wallpaper with the words 'here lives a successful record breaking loser' or something. I mean over my late teenage years it was all fun and games and no hard feelings but as you grow you mature enough to understand the subtlety of life.
You could be the best person you possibly can be but still you cannot force attraction at gunpoint.At best you could take the horse to the water and just hope it drinks you know.I now more than realize this truth.I think I was much more happier when I wasn't seeing anyone and all the efforts put in was just absolute bull**** and has had me on a breaking point.Im disturbed enough that if a maiden were to suddenly appear out of thin air I might tell her to buzz off and let me be.IMO if I take a gun and try to off myself Id fail at that too. </rant>

Lloyd_
12-14-16, 06:13 PM
Speaking only from the point of dating/love
No one.Simply NO ONE seems to stick with me or get particularly attracted to me for reasons unknown. Im not a repulsive guy in the least,fun to talk to with a good personality. I've over the recent years come out of the shell and started asking out girls for dates or to just plain hang out,but it seems like cupid has a personal vendetta against me. Im not awkward and reasonably confident plus a patient listener.

I'd recently been involved with a very wonderful girl,though it was long distance she seemed really charmed and interested at first but since pursuing her doctorate she's busy with exam preps and still trying to get over a recent breakup. I do like her a lot,but it seems cupid just came down and said "you're on your own buddy" and disappeared. All the women either want to be just friends or are already seeing someone. The girl I liked,it seems she led me on and just makes out with her male besties randomly and it punched a hole in my heart with an exit wound.(though I didn't want that to happen)She reasons its just a 'physical thing' and Im the one who actually melts her but I'm not buying any of it.Needless to say being a virgin at 28 is downright depressing and I feel as though I'll continue to be so till I'm 40 or something. I'm not desperate,but I don't appreciate the fact that Im just sickly unlucky,in EVERY aspect of life and it's just grinding me down. Any sort of a romantic relationship ends up in the dirt or just derails quickly.Is this really the end of the road for me?

Then there was an another one who did like me,and I liked her a lot,she was really gorgeous but she was a divorcee with a kid:scratch: That's just a cruel joke fate played on me,I'm simply not ready or able to take that kind of a responsibility but she got hitched recently so good for her.I'm officially always friend-zoned and it seems if you're a reasonably good person,has adhd and talks politely you're automatically put in the good guys finish last category.I'd really need help with some advice on how to cope with all this,instead of the "everyone goes through it" rhetoric my ex seems to come up with.

Maybe you're going after the wrong type of women? Idk, one reoccurring theme I've noticed from my personal 'love life' and from reading posts on this subforum is that we tend to attract quite the toxic individuals into our lives, manipulators tend to seek us out because we (both men and women adders) tend to be waaaay too trusting and forgiving of people that are undeserving of it.

Also if you're looking for 'quality women' at your local sports bar then that could be part of your problem, I'm starting to believe that quality people in general you will not find in the city, people who live out in flyoverville still have those wholesome and innocent qualities.

There was an article that came out not too recently about being young and single in Manhattan, in summary that city is only for those who wish to live the hedonistic lifestyle.

Popular culture will have you convinced if it feels good then "do it" in the streets, it's perfectly ok to still act like a 20 yr old even in your 50's. ;)

madmax988
12-15-16, 11:34 AM
Maybe you're going after the wrong type of women? Idk, one reoccurring theme I've noticed from my personal 'love life' and from reading posts on this subforum is that we tend to attract quite the toxic individuals into our lives, manipulators tend to seek us out because we (both men and women adders) tend to be waaaay too trusting and forgiving of people that are undeserving of it.

Hi,I totally agree man.Yes we do have this vulnerability to attract people who often aren't exactly concerned with the best of our interest.I'm very wary of this and try to be careful.but then I've no other choice but to keep my mind open and receptive to new people.Except for a few rotten apples here and there(as in very spiteful people)the women I'd seen have generally been kind and understanding but still 'elusive' as in no vibe,no sense of attraction or charm.I've worked around my anxiety issues a lot though.I do get a sense of "missing the bus" sometimes. But on the flipside I've been seeing a lot of my buddies either breaking up or remaining single suddenly.Idk things are a little difficult to grasp in my head for now. Stopped thinking too much about it.

aeon
12-15-16, 12:16 PM
madmax988 (http://addforums.com/forums/member.php?u=79303), a number of your posts in this thread, including your opening post, display a clear tendency toward a black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking style.

In my experience, this kind of approach is of no benefit in any area of life, but nowhere is its detriment more apparent than in the area of personal relationships, romantic and otherwise.


Cheers,
Ian

Miscon
12-15-16, 06:50 PM
Long distance dating isn't dating, build some social energy. Take care of yourself and start going out. Get out of scarcity or you'll come off as needy, no one wants to date someone whos needy.

madmax988
12-16-16, 09:11 AM
yeap have been told this numerous times before. trust me to over-analyze and dissect every little thing(which is of no particular help in the end) it gets difficult to just 'go with the flow' and keep turning back. I could definitely do with a break from this pattern

icantbelive93
01-16-17, 12:27 PM
I'm sorry you're going through this. Try and just be friends with girls without expecting anything. My boyfriend and I were just friends for a little over a year before it became romantic. Have you tried asking friends or family you know well if you're sending some "off-turning" vibes? If you do ask this don't get defensive if they mention something. Sometimes we don't see things we are doing that others around us see. If you can maybe seek out a good therapist. Maybe you have some issues that need dealing with before you can attract someone. I hope things get better for you:)

icantbelive93
01-16-17, 12:36 PM
yeap have been told this numerous times before. trust me to over-analyze and dissect every little thing(which is of no particular help in the end) it gets difficult to just 'go with the flow' and keep turning back. I could definitely do with a break from this pattern

Over-analyzing can be both a good and bad thing. I know this easy to say and way harder to do but try and not over-analyze so much. I'm not saying stop completely. Give yourself 10 minutes (or more) a day to analyze the situation (without judging yourself) and the rest of the time don't let your brain overthink stuff. It might take a lot of practice but just keep trying.

madmax988
02-05-17, 10:02 AM
Try and just be friends with girls without expecting anything. My boyfriend and I were just friends for a little over a year before it became romantic. Have you tried asking friends or family you know well if you're sending some "off-turning" vibes? If you do ask this don't get defensive if they mention something. Sometimes we don't see things we are doing that others around us see.

Yes there are women I hang out with as friends,no doubt they are good friends. The problem is it doesn't develop into anything more than that.I struggle with depression a LOT and lately it has worsened including nasty mood swings(Im seeing my doc again soon)

Regarding off -turning vibes.. well I carry myself quite well with a good posture,genuineness.Infact women enjoy my company and are have told me they felt comfortable being with me.Talking skills have improved significantly,i can concentrate better in conversations;nothing sky shattering but pretty good nevertheless.(brownie points here)

You mentioned being friends with the guy who you're in a relationship with.Im glad it worked out for you.I do have a tendency to rush things which is something that needs correcting...like even if we share mutual interests and outlooks it always starts and ends there without going anywhere much. Plus Im puzzled about many dating gurus online who stress on not being "friends" if one needs any romantic interest to possibly develop.As they say once in the friendzone,always in friendzone.This I dont agree 100% but having experienced this crap firsthand it gets slippery as to how and where things go without turning out awkward at the end.Love and romance has to be mutual.PERIOD.I mean one person putting effort doesn't work.

Had tried various dating apps lately but they've been pathetic so far TBH.No matches,no luck. Im staying away from them for a very long time.I've had better luck meeting someone new via word of mouth,mutual friends etc so its best sticking to that I guess. I've forgotten being happy lately.Dunno whats it like...better to take one step at a time than building 2 pillars and watching them fall you know.
thanks a ton for helping out and taking my rant :)
Off for a smoke lol

Nelson1967
02-23-17, 09:13 PM
Do not take it wrong married life can be hell cause some have no idea how it is to ADHD
Divorced 7 years ago cause he got to be a alcoholic abuser
My kids both want no mate or kids yet

madmax988
10-25-17, 03:07 AM
so I've been close friend with this girl for more than an year. She's around 7 years younger (I dont mind that bit since we hit it off quite well) and very smart, highly opinionated. I once out of curiosity asked her if it was a good idea to date.. after a while her reply was a no, stating that she doesn't see a future with me. It was disappointing to hear that since we used to talk a lot and met a couple of times too. Agreed we both are very busy in our respective careers and hardly get time except maybe weekends. But her bone of contention was the age difference. I accepted it and have moved on(we're still good friends and support each other) I absolutely do not blame anyone since she has the right to her choices and her best interests.

I've tried building some social energy and interactions and to an extent this has helped boost my confidence and social skills. Its easier for me to introspect and not be so judgemental on myself. It gets better to be open and accepting to newer people and not be anxiety ridden all the time. It is OK to stammer or go off track in conversations sometimes. It is ok to be rejected continuously.

But it surely sucks to be in the "friendzone" ... Im so used to hearing 'we can be good friends' 'im sure there's someone special waiting for you' 'you're a good guy you'll find someone' etc etc. And all of them are hitched. Well good for them,they're just lucky. I've no regrets.

I need some good suggestions.
1) Should I accept my fate and blame it on some of my ADHD traits? On the contrary ADHD traits can be strangely attractive to some people and draw them like magnets. I haven't yet come across anyone who had been particularly 'swooned' away by my quirks. Maybe stand out for good or worse but that's about it nothing more.

2) In place where I live arranged marriage is extremely common. But to me 1) Im not looking to marry 2) Don't want to start a family and screw up even more than I already have 3) to me its incredibly stupid that someone else especially elders take it on themselves to find you a good match and get you hitched "for your best interest" If they weren't there for you in times of struggle who are they to interfere? There's no one in or around the family whom I trust to look up to or share personal matters. Calling them judgemental is an understatement.

3) Is it generally this hard to find someone and avoid being friend zoned? Being single at almost 30 not by choice but by circumstances is just painful.

4) One of life's cold facts is if you put yourself 'out there' to meet new people you gotta be ready to face rejections. Also your 'crush' or whoever isn't obliged to like you back if there's no attraction. But if there's a continuous pattern repeating itself maybe I have to take a hard look why Im falling behind.

5) Its an emotionally draining exercise. There is a lingering feeling of being alienated which is the most toxic.

6) Now that I have sorted out my career and doing good at it I have been told numerous times that all other things will 'take care of themselves' This is just hogwash. Real life hasn't worked that way

I'l be discussing these aspects with my therapist to see if there's something that can be done. But what do I do to deal with chronic pattern? Stop dating altogether?

OyVeyKitty
10-25-17, 09:36 AM
I would like to point out some things which stuck out to me in your posts. I hope you will not be offended as this is meant to be constructive, but it might sting. I apologize ahead of time, because receiving constructive criticism isn't something we ADDers do so well, is it? :o

As a woman who dates other women I feel I may have some unique insights here which may offer you some help. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of being pursued as well as being the pursuer of other women. First, I agree that you do seem to be the common denominator here, which means that it is actually quite likely that it has something to do with you or the vibes you give off. It is highly unlikely to have anything to do with luck.

First thing I would strongly advise you to do is to drop the idea of the "friend zone." The very idea suggests that women only exist to have a relationship or sex with you and are not worthy (or less so) as friends. It is toxic to yourself as well as to the women you encounter. Gaining a friend is an achievement and something to be proud of, several people struggle hard to even make one friend. You seem to be making them left and right. Way to go! :)

On a related note, you are clearly desperate to get into a relationship and you are likely subconsciously giving off those vibes. Trust me, women can feel it even if you don't think you're showing it, and it's a huge red flag. This is a total cliché, I know, but you truly need to be happy being on your own before you can enter a relationship. Relationships are not easy and in order to be successful and healthy they require two mature, well-adjusted people.

You also seem to bear some resentment towards others who are in successful relationships, which is not nice towards them or healthy for yourself. I know it can be difficult watching other people be more successful with seemingly less effort, but try to be happy for them. It will actually help you be more happy with yourself, which will work towards becoming a person who women want to date!

In short, perhaps you should take a break from dating and focus on what you would need to truly be happy right now without a relationship. It seems dating right now may be a detriment to your happiness, which will turn into a negative feedback loop. What are other things you dream of doing in life? Focus on them and when you truly feel happy with your life as it is, then other people will want a more intimate part of it as well.

I am glad that you are going to talk to your therapist about this. I hope you will figure out a way to be happy and guarantee that you will find someone to share your life with after you do. :)

Batman55
10-26-17, 12:08 AM
I'll tell you how to do it if you have ADHD social quirks. Money and career is the short-cut; if you're going well there, results are highly likely.

If you're doing well with money and/or achievements, I would find it to be very unusual if you're not doing well with women. Men in particular can essentially base all of their market value (dating is like a market) on what they do. If what you do has merit, that is a short-cut for getting past ADHD or autistic quirks. Women see a guy with an advancing career or good degree and will look past the rest, so long as you don't have a terrible personality (I don't see that here, just some natural frustration.)

If you have that part of the equation down, again, I'd be very surprised if you can't get any positive female attention.

Certainly the inverse is never true. Of all the autistic men (and usually, the same with ADHD men) I've conversed on the internet with, no fewer than 99% of them had strong educational credentials or at least a good job. Invariably, 99% of those without college education and/or without a job, were essentially completely skipped over and very bitter about their luck with women. It's a shame but this is a life where you get back what you contribute in a competitive society, and that's how it works for men with dating.

madmax988
10-26-17, 07:03 AM
I would like to point out some things which stuck out to me in your posts. I hope you will not be offended as this is meant to be constructive, but it might sting. I apologize ahead of time, because receiving constructive criticism isn't something we ADDers do so well, is it? :o

As a woman who dates other women I feel I may have some unique insights here which may offer you some help. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of being pursued as well as being the pursuer of other women. First, I agree that you do seem to be the common denominator here, which means that it is actually quite likely that it has something to do with you or the vibes you give off. It is highly unlikely to have anything to do with luck.

First thing I would strongly advise you to do is to drop the idea of the "friend zone." The very idea suggests that women only exist to have a relationship or sex with you and are not worthy (or less so) as friends. It is toxic to yourself as well as to the women you encounter. Gaining a friend is an achievement and something to be proud of, several people struggle hard to even make one friend. You seem to be making them left and right. Way to go! :)

On a related note, you are clearly desperate to get into a relationship and you are likely subconsciously giving off those vibes. Trust me, women can feel it even if you don't think you're showing it, and it's a huge red flag. This is a total cliché, I know, but you truly need to be happy being on your own before you can enter a relationship. Relationships are not easy and in order to be successful and healthy they require two mature, well-adjusted people.

You also seem to bear some resentment towards others who are in successful relationships, which is not nice towards them or healthy for yourself. I know it can be difficult watching other people be more successful with seemingly less effort, but try to be happy for them. It will actually help you be more happy with yourself, which will work towards becoming a person who women want to date!

In short, perhaps you should take a break from dating and focus on what you would need to truly be happy right now without a relationship. It seems dating right now may be a detriment to your happiness, which will turn into a negative feedback loop. What are other things you dream of doing in life? Focus on them and when you truly feel happy with your life as it is, then other people will want a more intimate part of it as well.

I am glad that you are going to talk to your therapist about this. I hope you will figure out a way to be happy and guarantee that you will find someone to share your life with after you do. :)

Thank you. And thanks for lending an ear.. I'l keep these points in mind for sure. Especially the second last para. btw no it did not sting in the least :)

madmax988
10-26-17, 07:30 AM
If you're doing well with money and/or achievements, I would find it to be very unusual if you're not doing well with women. Men in particular can essentially base all of their market value (dating is like a market) on what they do. If what you do has merit, that is a short-cut for getting past ADHD or autistic quirks. Women see a guy with an advancing career or good degree and will look past the rest, so long as you don't have a terrible personality (I don't see that here, just some natural frustration.)

If you have that part of the equation down, again, I'd be very surprised if you can't get any positive female attention.



beats me too. Nor is it so that I come from a demographically poor surrounding. The place I am from is cosmopolitan (relatively modern, good nightlife, young,educated age group etc)
Well I run a successful entrepreneurship in console gaming and earn pretty decent for myself. (No degree and no job, crippling LD issues) so theoretically that should still sort it out for me. Infact I've been complimented for having a good personality so if that is taken care of as well, the odds should be heavily in my favor.
I could understand incase of a criminal past or even creepy/stalkish behaviour. But it isnt so. Maybe unintentional bad vibes or no vibes but bad vibes> being creepy imo!

kilted_scotsman
10-27-17, 04:20 PM
Well I run a successful entrepreneurship in console gaming and earn pretty decent for myself...... so theoretically that should still sort it out for meSaying this is creepy....because it looks like relationship to you is a transactional act. A well grounded woman is looking beyond income. From what you say I think your friend picked up on this.... when she said no, she would have checked out your response.... so if you indicated you felt negatively about being "friendzoned" you'd have lost her respect.

I'd advise dropping the idea of having a "relationship" and concentrate on having lots of female FRIENDS.... being relaxed in the company of relaxed women friends communicates safety to other women. Over time you'll forget you want a relationship and that's when you'll realise that you could have a relationship if you wanted one..... but the right person isn't around and you don't much care.... or the right person has been under your nose for a while quietly waiting for you to drop your ****.

As OyVeyKitty says..... if there is a pattern it's likely to be you that needs to change and your therapist should be able to help you. Your therapist should also point out that it's unlikely that you're going to get your underlying needs met through a single relationship.... it's likely a relationship formed through your (and her) neediness will meet either of your needs without becoming toxically co-dependant.

In my view it is difficult to get a handle on the issue in talk therapy alone.... a mixed gender "process" group might be the way to go as this should give you the relational feedback you need. Your therapist might be able to give you some advice on this.

sarahsweets
10-31-17, 04:39 AM
I'll tell you how to do it if you have ADHD social quirks. Money and career is the short-cut; if you're going well there, results are highly likely.

If you're doing well with money and/or achievements, I would find it to be very unusual if you're not doing well with women. Men in particular can essentially base all of their market value (dating is like a market) on what they do. If what you do has merit, that is a short-cut for getting past ADHD or autistic quirks. Women see a guy with an advancing career or good degree and will look past the rest, so long as you don't have a terrible personality (I don't see that here, just some natural frustration.)
This is a blanket generalization of women. It comes across as sexist even if you did not mean it that way. I dont know what led you to this belief about women but its certainly not a truth that can be stated as fact.


If you have that part of the equation down, again, I'd be very surprised if you can't get any positive female attention.

Positive female attention can be friends, it doesnt have to be romantic right?

Certainly the inverse is never true. Of all the autistic men (and usually, the same with ADHD men) I've conversed on the internet with, no fewer than 99% of them had strong educational credentials or at least a good job. Invariably, 99% of those without college education and/or without a job, were essentially completely skipped over and very bitter about their luck with women. It's a shame but this is a life where you get back what you contribute in a competitive society, and that's how it works for men with dating.
I have found that men who say things like this are indeed bitter, but they do not know women the way they think they do. They tend to overlook personal issues they have and opinions they hold and blame women and society for their circumstance. Its easy to turn outward and blame a nameless, faceless, unchecked thing like "society" or wealth and success but it truly is about who you are and what you give to others of yourself. My husband was an average college student with no full time job and not alot of money when he asked me to marry him. I said yes because the emotional support and love he gave me was amazing. I never thought about what kind of job he would get with his geology degree. We got married when I was 20 and both of us were still in school. We had a child right away and he started working in the environmental field. His first job paid him 28,500$ a year and even back then it wasnt a good salary.

After 4 years of work he hated he became an apprentice in the union for a journeyman/electrician certificate. That brought his pay scale down to $12.10 and hour. He apprenticed for 4 years in teledata and 3 for journeyman. Just when he became a certified, bonified journeyman, the economy took a dump(2008) and he was out of work so much we almost lost everything. This was right after we bought the house.

We have always lived paycheck to paycheck and yet all I ever wanted was to be his partner. If we faced the trouble together then all would be ok.
Did I think of any of this when we dated? No. Did I care that he was going to be a fancy-schmancy geologist? No. We loved each other.
Not all women, in fact I would say most women are not how you paint them.

WhiteOwl
10-31-17, 10:55 AM
This is a blanket generalization of women. It comes across as sexist even if you did not mean it that way. I dont know what led you to this belief about women but its certainly not a truth that can be stated as fact.



Positive female attention can be friends, it doesnt have to be romantic right?


I have found that men who say things like this are indeed bitter, but they do not know women the way they think they do. They tend to overlook personal issues they have and opinions they hold and blame women and society for their circumstance. Its easy to turn outward and blame a nameless, faceless, unchecked thing like "society" or wealth and success but it truly is about who you are and what you give to others of yourself. My husband was an average college student with no full time job and not alot of money when he asked me to marry him. I said yes because the emotional support and love he gave me was amazing. I never thought about what kind of job he would get with his geology degree. We got married when I was 20 and both of us were still in school. We had a child right away and he started working in the environmental field. His first job paid him 28,500$ a year and even back then it wasnt a good salary.

After 4 years of work he hated he became an apprentice in the union for a journeyman/electrician certificate. That brought his pay scale down to $12.10 and hour. He apprenticed for 4 years in teledata and 3 for journeyman. Just when he became a certified, bonified journeyman, the economy took a dump(2008) and he was out of work so much we almost lost everything. This was right after we bought the house.

We have always lived paycheck to paycheck and yet all I ever wanted was to be his partner. If we faced the trouble together then all would be ok.
Did I think of any of this when we dated? No. Did I care that he was going to be a fancy-schmancy geologist? No. We loved each other.
Not all women, in fact I would say most women are not how you paint them.

Agreed. I married a work-a-holic and I always told him I didn't care if we lived in a cardboard box, I just wanted a little of his time. He never got it. Money has always been at the very bottom of my list, I wanted a partner in life that enjoyed being with me, not someone who only cared about making money.

I'm so glad you found that and I love hearing stories like this.

Batman55
10-31-17, 11:32 PM
Yes, I'll admit, it may be an unfair blanket generalization. And probably it does reflect the burgeoning bitterness I have about all this, at the same time as reflecting the exasperation of autistic men in general. Visit an autistic message board, and click on a "relationships" thread, if you want to see how such men are faring.

It's always the same. I welcome anyone to prove me differently, provide a single anecdote of a socially or functionally disabled man you know of who's popular with women, either from your real life or online discussion.

But this is all I've ever found online: Invariably the same men who are in relationships or get flings, give the answer "there's someone for everyone", etc, are the same ones who are highly functioning and have college degrees and solid careers. The ones who are indefinite failures with women, are the ones who lack stability in life or lack achievements or cannot pull their weight. A poor attitude is the result, not the cause, in many cases. Granted, a poor attitude never helps, but I believe it usually develops from general incapacity, from being strangled by a disorder that strips social, emotional, as well as several other competencies. Some guys are left with just weaknesses, with none of the gifts that these "high functioning Asperger's" take for granted.

I gave a common sense answer. If a man does not have social finesse--does not communicate well--well then what else can he offer? He needs something to offer. A good career or good money or valuable skills will offset a social difficulty. This is even more the case online, but then again I believe ALL socially awkward men should never use online dating because the competition is absolutely disgusting, full of bragging NTs of both genders. (A side-track, but it does appear to me that many NTs essentially treat everything in life as a marketing opportunity, and will embellish to extreme levels to "get ahead of the competition.")

And even then, none of this addresses the plight of the ultimate autistic loser, which hits home for me (not OP, though) the ones who in their 30s and beyond who cannot effectively contribute at all. Who would be interested in such an impotent creature? Let's get real, while we're at it. Forget the pleasant lies.

sarahsweets
11-01-17, 01:19 AM
Well I offered an anecdote of my own about my husband. What about when Tom Green and Drew Barrymore were married?

Batman55
11-02-17, 12:03 AM
Well I offered an anecdote of my own about my husband. What about when Tom Green and Drew Barrymore were married?

I'm not sure if your example is meant to be humorous or not, but that's not really what I mean. Life is too different for folks in the public sphere, to be able to make useful comparisons on this topic.

If I had to break down what I'm asking into the simplest way possible, I'll try explain it this way. Have you ever known an autistic guy or otherwise a guy who ticked many of the boxes for it? (I think it is fair to assume that some folks are autistic simply based on their social mannerisms among other things; I've known a lot of guy I think were probably mildly autistic.) If yes (or even if not yes) let us assume that this guy is not well-paid and/or not college educated.

Such a guy--of which there are many, according to studies--would probably exemplify the terms I've used, like "socially disabled" or "functionally disabled." This hypothetical man I'm talking about does not usually communicate well, he is awkward and tense because of constant anxiety, he does not look confident nor act confident. In addition, he does not function well enough to have a career.

Have you known any guy like this who has had relationships or flings? Can you imagine that even being possible?

You want to know why I'm always saying there is no hope, why I'm always bitter about it, now you have your answer. I don't think there is another way to explain it.

sarahsweets
11-02-17, 03:24 AM
Yes, I'll admit, it may be an unfair blanket generalization. And probably it does reflect the burgeoning bitterness I have about all this, at the same time as reflecting the exasperation of autistic men in general. Visit an autistic message board, and click on a "relationships" thread, if you want to see how such men are faring.

It's always the same. I welcome anyone to prove me differently, provide a single anecdote of a socially or functionally disabled man you know of who's popular with women, either from your real life or online discussion.

But this is all I've ever found online: Invariably the same men who are in relationships or get flings, give the answer "there's someone for everyone", etc, are the same ones who are highly functioning and have college degrees and solid careers. The ones who are indefinite failures with women, are the ones who lack stability in life or lack achievements or cannot pull their weight. A poor attitude is the result, not the cause, in many cases. Granted, a poor attitude never helps, but I believe it usually develops from general incapacity, from being strangled by a disorder that strips social, emotional, as well as several other competencies. Some guys are left with just weaknesses, with none of the gifts that these "high functioning Asperger's" take for granted.

I gave a common sense answer. If a man does not have social finesse--does not communicate well--well then what else can he offer? He needs something to offer. A good career or good money or valuable skills will offset a social difficulty. This is even more the case online, but then again I believe ALL socially awkward men should never use online dating because the competition is absolutely disgusting, full of bragging NTs of both genders. (A side-track, but it does appear to me that many NTs essentially treat everything in life as a marketing opportunity, and will embellish to extreme levels to "get ahead of the competition.")

And even then, none of this addresses the plight of the ultimate autistic loser, which hits home for me (not OP, though) the ones who in their 30s and beyond who cannot effectively contribute at all. Who would be interested in such an impotent creature? Let's get real, while we're at it. Forget the pleasant lies.

Lets assume you are 100% right. Now what?

Little Missy
11-02-17, 08:25 AM
What happened to Mad Max?

madmax988
11-19-17, 04:36 PM
What happened to Mad Max?

Had been away for a bit, thanks for the concern. This has turned out to be quite a long thread,lol. Well Im no expert on all the statistics provided on the previous posts but having said that I've slowly come to realize my approach towards dating and related to be falling off path somewhere. Catching hold of this "somewhere" now, I can safely point out some fundamentals/rules which cannot be bargained with so as to say.
1) As a man, you are NOT to pursue. But BE pursued. This may trigger some but the law of nature prevails when it comes to this "game".The alpha male theory doesn't lie.
2) If your 'friendship' starts getting toxic somewhere and there's not much you can do about it(in 90% cases there really isn't much you can do IME) just nip it right in the bud. That may mean cutting off friendship altogether but that's that,end of story. Inspite of investing time, space, moments you have to draw a line for the sake of your sanity. If anyone else reading this is struggling in a similar way, this is the most important advice I can ever give you. I don't want you to struggle like I did for years,trust me.
*Id like to mention here, healthy friendships with the opposite sex surely exist, as mentioned by OyVeyKitty (http://www.addforums.com/forums/member.php?u=102085) in her previous posts. I do have a bestie IRL, she has a BF but that has never,ever interfered in our friendship. Ive been lucky there,such friendships are unfortunately rare to come by. Quashes the friendzone theory in its right, as long as this equation isn't disturbed in any way.
3) For some all this game is tough.really,really tough. Its all about chances and factors that are not always in your control. In my experience its mostly the guys who struggle with this, ADHD or not(the women have a natural advantage since they dont need to bother pursuing as much)
4) All dating apps are to be placed RIGHT in the dustbin where they belong. Waste of time,seriously. Possibly the worst damage you can inflict to your self image if you struggle with a co-morbid condition. You can prove me wrong on this and I'll find you a flying pig in return:D
there's lots more I want to add but I gotta give my ADD brain a break for now before it starts overheating!

madmax988
11-29-17, 05:08 AM
I'd advise dropping the idea of having a "relationship" and concentrate on having lots of female FRIENDS....

well I do. Not lots but a few yes.


As OyVeyKitty says..... if there is a pattern it's likely to be you that needs to change and your therapist should be able to help you. Your therapist should also point out that it's unlikely that you're going to get your underlying needs met through a single relationship.... it's likely a relationship formed through your (and her) neediness will meet either of your needs without becoming toxically co-dependant.

In my view it is difficult to get a handle on the issue in talk therapy alone.... a mixed gender "process" group might be the way to go as this should give you the relational feedback you need. Your therapist might be able to give you some advice on this.

I had a word with my therapist recently and she's of the opinion that I shouldn't be worrying about it at all expect work...partly agree but like I said, I've the career part sorted now so I can surely look beyond just that...having been in a mess on that front as well for years, finally found justice! I'm doing something I love and thankful for the opportunity. Also work takes up 90% of my daily routine and really leaves me with no time. So there's this bit of a catch 22 situation but not complaining really. Guess its good to be busy.

I've bigger demons to take care of for now like volatile temper and drinking. Even small things set me off and have put me in trouble(bit like in the movie falling down) sometimes even surprise myself with how out of hand and violent i tend to get. Its much easier to cut down on drinking but the former is getting out of hand

Fraser_0762
11-29-17, 05:31 AM
If you want to get in with the ladies, then never ever pretend to be something that you're not. Embrace who you are. Show people that you're proud, confident and comfortable with who you are. If someone tries to talk you down, always stand firm and defend who you are.

Do this and they'll go crazy for you.

Batman55
11-30-17, 12:51 AM
If you want to get in with the ladies, then never ever pretend to be something that you're not. Embrace who you are. Show people that you're proud, confident and comfortable with who you are. If someone tries to talk you down, always stand firm and defend who you are.

Do this and they'll go crazy for you.

Has it worked for you? :p

Sorry, couldn't help myself...

madmax988
12-07-17, 03:28 AM
Has it worked for you? :p


it definitely works for everyone, in all other aspects of life too.
but being self confident/assertive/resilient and being potentially attractive are 2 different ballgames as far as my experience went. The former requires you to take charge and change for the best which is necessary.And ofcourse,it helps. You can't do much about the latter though. Yeah eating right, working out, being hygienic,charming,brushing your teeth,tiding hair etc etc is just generic advice which almost everyone follows. And you find them in all the so called dating guides. But that's not enough and in some cases not necessary either.

madmax988
12-07-17, 03:34 AM
I'll tell you how to do it if you have ADHD social quirks. Money and career is the short-cut; if you're going well there, results are highly likely.


not necessarily true.its just an add on but not a replacement to who you are as a person. and people can see through that easily.

Batman55
12-08-17, 12:39 AM
not necessarily true.its just an add on but not a replacement to who you are as a person. and people can see through that easily.

I have always said on this topic, I want to be wrong. I welcome being wrong on these things, but (at the same time) it's also very hard to be convinced as I am rigid and cynical as a rule. What I have personally seen shows that conventional avenues of success (good credentials or good income among them), tend to be associated with greater success in the dating/mating game; and, it must be said, the opposite appears linked with lack of romantic success. That's what I have seen, with my own eyes.

That is, unless I am deceived. Yes, folks repeatedly tell me I am wrong or oversimplifying it. Maybe that it is the case. Maybe my limited life-experience might be too limited, or maybe I'm subconsciously drawing from the most obvious examples of success in real life, as well as being fooled by the fraudulence of media/social media about what constitutes a winner, and so on. Perhaps that's the case; I'd like it to be.

Batman55
12-08-17, 12:44 AM
it definitely works for everyone, in all other aspects of life too.
but being self confident/assertive/resilient and being potentially attractive are 2 different ballgames as far as my experience went. The former requires you to take charge and change for the best which is necessary.And ofcourse,it helps.

Is the assertion, self-confidence thing where you struggle then?

Obviously--I have tremendous struggle in that area, and a lot of it cannot be helped in my case. There are some improvements that could be made but I fear it's all too little, too late.. I'm in my 30s with more than a decade of social avoidance going.

sarahsweets
12-09-17, 07:08 AM
I have always said on this topic, I want to be wrong. I welcome being wrong on these things, but (at the same time) it's also very hard to be convinced as I am rigid and cynical as a rule. What I have personally seen shows that conventional avenues of success (good credentials or good income among them), tend to be associated with greater success in the dating/mating game; and, it must be said, the opposite appears linked with lack of romantic success. That's what I have seen, with my own eyes.
You say you welcome being wrong yet anytime someone tries to share with you that they think your view is skewed you counter with how its not.

peripatetic
12-09-17, 07:47 AM
I have always said on this topic, I want to be wrong. I welcome being wrong on these things, but (at the same time) it's also very hard to be convinced as I am rigid and cynical as a rule. What I have personally seen shows that conventional avenues of success (good credentials or good income among them), tend to be associated with greater success in the dating/mating game; and, it must be said, the opposite appears linked with lack of romantic success. That's what I have seen, with my own eyes.

That is, unless I am deceived. Yes, folks repeatedly tell me I am wrong or oversimplifying it. Maybe that it is the case. Maybe my limited life-experience might be too limited, or maybe I'm subconsciously drawing from the most obvious examples of success in real life, as well as being fooled by the fraudulence of media/social media about what constitutes a winner, and so on. Perhaps that's the case; I'd like it to be.

have you considered that your depiction of women as money grubbing and status seeking is demeaning and disrespectful? why would a self respecting woman want to be with someone who only sees her as a degrading stereotype?

Batman55
12-10-17, 12:29 AM
Nowhere on this site have I ever written this applies to "all women." I am speaking in generalities. I am not even aware of a broader political context to this--or anything else really--which nonetheless keeps being brought up anyway. I speak only from individual experience going by what I've seen in my own everyday life, what I've seen with my online dating experience, studies and other data available on the topic. Possibly all this is insufficient given I'm a social avoidant, and lack a solid grounding.

I'm aware some of it it could be seen as offensive, but have also said it's not a conscious effort to do so. I try to be honest about what I've seen, and in so doing, hope to challenge it as well. I feel as if some of the examples that have been given are helpful, whilst others are well-intended but probably don't reflect the plight of a lesser-abled kind of guy.

There could also be a problem with communication style. Maybe the idea is if a delicate topic is going to be addressed, there's a certain kind of abstract way to address the issue which is more palatable than the only way I know how, which is to speak directly about my own experience and observations.

And finally, maybe I am just a terrible and hateful person but not fully aware of it as yet; that's another possibility, which I'm saying without a hint of sarcasm. So maybe you lot are right. I think there are a lot of angles here.

sarahsweets
12-10-17, 06:50 AM
Nowhere on this site have I ever written this applies to "all women." I am speaking in generalities. I am not even aware of a broader political context to this--or anything else really--which nonetheless keeps being brought up anyway. I speak only from individual experience going by what I've seen in my own everyday life, what I've seen with my online dating experience, studies and other data available on the topic. Possibly all this is insufficient given I'm a social avoidant, and lack a solid grounding.

You say it doesnt apply to all women yet you still generalize and talk about "studies" and other data that backs up what you think yet you havent shared any of this info.

OyVeyKitty
12-10-17, 07:06 AM
Nowhere on this site have I ever written this applies to "all women." I am speaking in generalities. I am not even aware of a broader political context to this--or anything else really--which nonetheless keeps being brought up anyway. I speak only from individual experience going by what I've seen in my own everyday life, what I've seen with my online dating experience, studies and other data available on the topic. Possibly all this is insufficient given I'm a social avoidant, and lack a solid grounding.

I'm aware some of it it could be seen as offensive, but have also said it's not a conscious effort to do so. I try to be honest about what I've seen, and in so doing, hope to challenge it as well. I feel as if some of the examples that have been given are helpful, whilst others are well-intended but probably don't reflect the plight of a lesser-abled kind of guy.

There could also be a problem with communication style. Maybe the idea is if a delicate topic is going to be addressed, there's a certain kind of abstract way to address the issue which is more palatable than the only way I know how, which is to speak directly about my own experience and observations.

And finally, maybe I am just a terrible and hateful person but not fully aware of it as yet; that's another possibility, which I'm saying without a hint of sarcasm. So maybe you lot are right. I think there are a lot of angles here.

You don't come across as terrible and hateful at all, just hurt and (understandably) upset by it. I think the underlying problem here is that there's some cognitive bias and it's being reinforced by cultural memes and misinterpretation of available data. This is what I was trying to convey with my story, but it didn't come across very well apparently. :/ Studying something as complicated as human behavior requires a much deeper look than just quickly glancing over some numbers. Just like with any other science you have to compare your data with other data and ask why you are seeing what you are when there appear to be patterns.

So, let me give you an example. If you are looking at the statistics, you must really examine the wording and ask yourself what might have made someone respond one way or another. You can't have black and white thinking when interpreting human behavior! One of the more commonly misinterpreted statistics is "percent of women who find money to be very important in a relationship." This is based on a very poorly constructed question ("do you find money to be very important in a relationships?") which lends itself to easy misinterpretation. Personally, I answer the question with "yes, I absolutely do find money to be very important in a relationship," for example.

You are missing the "why" and "how" of these women. In my case, I have always answered it with a resounding yes, because I have no interest in dating someone who is careless with money. It's not about the amount of money, but how they handle the money they do have. This same question could be asked of men, but replace the word money with sex. Most humans do find sex important in relationships, but due to social biases, many would interpret the result as appalling and say that "generally speaking, men are perverts who are really only looking for sex."

If those questions were turned around and only statistics of "sex is important in relationships" were given for women and "money is important in relationships" were given for men, and the numbers were the exact same, would you interpret them to mean the same thing? I'm pretty sure the numbers really would look very similar from both sides, by the way, especially if the statisticians asking the questions were specific about what they really mean. This is a common problem with statistics based on self-reporting, you have to construct your questions very carefully or you will find your results strongly skewed. It's something frequently abused in politics, but in the case of this example from a common statistics site I think it's a genuine mistake by someone who didn't really know what they were doing.

Does this help you at all? Feel free to bring up any data you feel important in this discussion and we can discuss it and see what's going on with it. These forums have a pretty average spread of men and women so there's healthy input from both sides. :)