ynadfyd
05-30-05, 01:03 AM
My husband of 30 years and I have just separated, fundamentally because of his ADD. He was diagnosed 10 years ago, and has been on Ritalin/Concerta and in counseling (actually in counseling longer, as it was obvious that something was wrong and getting worse 15 years ago). My husband had very few indications of ADD when we met and married. It turns out all the men in his family have this problem, and they all seem to experience changes in their ADD from the hormonal changes in male life -- a pattern of problems in childhood, an abatement through puberty into the twenties, then slow deterioration until the **** hits the fan in their early forties. In addition, he has Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which curiously does not make him depressed, but makes him "spacey" from November through March (has more trouble than usual thinking coherently and communications fall off the edge of the earth).
Although he stopped getting speeding tickets and having traffic accidents after getting treatment, and he has made some slow progress in dealing with some behaviors, my spouse now seems to be going through a sort of "male menopause", which is making him more volatile. So, the last couple of years have been more difficult -- he gets enraged far beyond his past angers, and he has become oblivious to risks unless they clobber him over the head. Everybody in our family can see the change, as have some of his colleagues at work, but he's oblivious to it. We've tried medication modifications, and they've helped some, but not enough.
I've worked hard and long to understand his problems -- I've read a lot of material, gone through counseling myself, and struggled through many problems arising from his ADD. I also contemplated leaving him a number of times over the past 10 years, but I stayed in the marriage because I loved him, because I thought it ultimately would be better for our children, and because I thought I could better limit the damage he could do by always being around to monitor (we work at the same company). By and large this worked OK until a couple of years ago. Now, I don't seem to be able to help him stay on track -- the things that used to help aren't connecting anymore.
Things finally came to a head this past week when we had work done on some trees on our property -- when the workmen arrived as I was getting ready for work, my husband consulted me on what was to be done (he has always deferred to me as the family "expert" about the yard), and then arbitrarily decided to tell the workmen something different, without saying anything to me. Aside from the inherent problem with the inappropriateness of his action, the instructions he gave resulted in the workmen heavily pruning some trees that should not have been, and which are damaged to the point that they will have to be removed and replaced/relandscaped. We were having the work done as an early step in preparing to put our house up for sale in a year or two, and now I am faced with a bad landscaping problem that will require a lot of money to fix because we don't have a lot of time to fix it. My husband "doesn't believe" that landscaping can have any impact on the saleability or price of a home (not exactly surprising from a man who "believes" that grass should ideally be cut once a year, whether it needs it or not -- the words "home maintenance" are not in his vocabulary), so he thinks what he did was fine. I'm furious with him about what he did, and he alternately says it's my fault for not making sure the workmen got the right instructions or that he couldn't help it and I shouldn't be upset -- and he's furious with me for thinking there's a problem.
I don't want to end up with a divorce, and I don't think my spouse does either. He's bright and he's funny and he doesn't have a lot of other problems like drinking or gambling. But I can't keep living with a man who doesn't recognize his ignorance, doesn't accept his limitations, and doesn't see the risks inherent in making impulsive decisions under those circumstances -- basically, his self-monitoring skills have gone from poor to non-existent, and I thought I could cope with it, but it's obvious now I can't. Also, the volatility in recent years is actually pretty scary at times. I haven't had to call the police yet, but it has been a near thing once or twice. And aside from whatever way he treats me, he has said some really hurtful things to our children (who take no part in these problems) when he has been in the grip of these volatile emotions -- just lashing out at whoever is around. He never used to be like this (except, I'm told, as a very young child he had dreadful temper tantrums).
My hope is that the separation will shock him into realization of the seriousness and magnitude of his problem, but if his self-monitoring abilities are shot, I'm doubtful about whether that's possible.
Does anybody have any experience with this kind of situation? Any advice about what I should or shouldn't do to help a foster a mutually acceptable reconciliation? (Caving in is not an option.) Any thoughts about the self-monitoring or volatility issues? Any advice about separation and/or divorce with an ADD-spouse in general? (Our children are old enough now that I don't have to worry about custody issues, so that's not really a factor in the equation.) I want to make this work, and I'm willing to go on with the struggle, but I just don't know what to do anymore.
Thanks for any help,
Leah
Although he stopped getting speeding tickets and having traffic accidents after getting treatment, and he has made some slow progress in dealing with some behaviors, my spouse now seems to be going through a sort of "male menopause", which is making him more volatile. So, the last couple of years have been more difficult -- he gets enraged far beyond his past angers, and he has become oblivious to risks unless they clobber him over the head. Everybody in our family can see the change, as have some of his colleagues at work, but he's oblivious to it. We've tried medication modifications, and they've helped some, but not enough.
I've worked hard and long to understand his problems -- I've read a lot of material, gone through counseling myself, and struggled through many problems arising from his ADD. I also contemplated leaving him a number of times over the past 10 years, but I stayed in the marriage because I loved him, because I thought it ultimately would be better for our children, and because I thought I could better limit the damage he could do by always being around to monitor (we work at the same company). By and large this worked OK until a couple of years ago. Now, I don't seem to be able to help him stay on track -- the things that used to help aren't connecting anymore.
Things finally came to a head this past week when we had work done on some trees on our property -- when the workmen arrived as I was getting ready for work, my husband consulted me on what was to be done (he has always deferred to me as the family "expert" about the yard), and then arbitrarily decided to tell the workmen something different, without saying anything to me. Aside from the inherent problem with the inappropriateness of his action, the instructions he gave resulted in the workmen heavily pruning some trees that should not have been, and which are damaged to the point that they will have to be removed and replaced/relandscaped. We were having the work done as an early step in preparing to put our house up for sale in a year or two, and now I am faced with a bad landscaping problem that will require a lot of money to fix because we don't have a lot of time to fix it. My husband "doesn't believe" that landscaping can have any impact on the saleability or price of a home (not exactly surprising from a man who "believes" that grass should ideally be cut once a year, whether it needs it or not -- the words "home maintenance" are not in his vocabulary), so he thinks what he did was fine. I'm furious with him about what he did, and he alternately says it's my fault for not making sure the workmen got the right instructions or that he couldn't help it and I shouldn't be upset -- and he's furious with me for thinking there's a problem.
I don't want to end up with a divorce, and I don't think my spouse does either. He's bright and he's funny and he doesn't have a lot of other problems like drinking or gambling. But I can't keep living with a man who doesn't recognize his ignorance, doesn't accept his limitations, and doesn't see the risks inherent in making impulsive decisions under those circumstances -- basically, his self-monitoring skills have gone from poor to non-existent, and I thought I could cope with it, but it's obvious now I can't. Also, the volatility in recent years is actually pretty scary at times. I haven't had to call the police yet, but it has been a near thing once or twice. And aside from whatever way he treats me, he has said some really hurtful things to our children (who take no part in these problems) when he has been in the grip of these volatile emotions -- just lashing out at whoever is around. He never used to be like this (except, I'm told, as a very young child he had dreadful temper tantrums).
My hope is that the separation will shock him into realization of the seriousness and magnitude of his problem, but if his self-monitoring abilities are shot, I'm doubtful about whether that's possible.
Does anybody have any experience with this kind of situation? Any advice about what I should or shouldn't do to help a foster a mutually acceptable reconciliation? (Caving in is not an option.) Any thoughts about the self-monitoring or volatility issues? Any advice about separation and/or divorce with an ADD-spouse in general? (Our children are old enough now that I don't have to worry about custody issues, so that's not really a factor in the equation.) I want to make this work, and I'm willing to go on with the struggle, but I just don't know what to do anymore.
Thanks for any help,
Leah