I have been reading the parenting threads, but I an not seeing any for ADD Inattentive girls? They all seem to be about ADHD-make-that-H-a-double boys.

My daughter is 6 years old, beautiful, serene in personality, always well behaved, minds well, has better manners than I do, all around outwardly perfect. And I am not even biased. ;)

But, I have observed some problems at school, beginning last year, in kindergarten. By April of the school year, my daughter was not completing a particular self-directed goal. When I brought it to the attention of her teacher, the teacher admitted that my daughter was such a quiet girl in class that she did not always get as much attention as she might have needed. The teacher got busy with her and helped her complete the goal by year end. But I had a funny feeling about it. Also, her kindergarten teacher recommended a book for my daughter called Amy, the Dancing Bear. She explained that Amy the bear reminded her of my daughter - kind of dreamy.

At the time, I was not yet diagnosed myself and had only begun learning about ADD for myself.

This year, during first grade, the teacher told me that my daughter was not always getting her work done during the time alotted and the teacher's helper has had to go out into the hallway with her to finish it while the rest of the class moves on to something else. Also, in one particular timed exercise, my daughter never progressed beyond the basic level even though the rest of the class went on to higher levels as the year progressed. The teacher said, "I am not saying she is ADD, but..." I was not diagnosed yet at that point either, but that was one of the things that pushed me to get my own evaluation.

Her 1st grade teacher also said my daughter is very calm and good presence for her table mates. Her teacher commented on her remarkable sense of humor. She is very funny, and not silly kid funny either, but very witty. Her teacher also told me the other students like her.

My daughter is bright. I look over her papers daily and she has good scores. She tends to reverse some of her letters, especially b's and d's.

She is not physically developed where she needs to be with her peers. Her PE teacher says things like "She tries so hard." She can't jump rope well, run very fast, doesn't ride her bike well, doesn't throw or catch well. We have her in dance, and I think she is quite graceful, but I am not exactly objective.

She is very slow to do a lot of things - like getting dressed in the morning and putting on shoes. She doesn't remember to put on her glasses. She doesn't keep her possessions neat and doesn't look for or ask for anything that I put away. She eats slowly and never gets to finish her lunch at school, she says, because there is not enough time. She is also a picky eater.

She can sit and draw highly detailed pictures for hours. She plays with her little sister for hours. She is painfully indecisive. She does not complain about much of anything, even when she really needs to let us know something is not working for her. She just tries so hard.

I wish she would read more. I could read at age 4 and by her age, I was reading chapter books - Stuart Little, Charlotte's Web. She was not an early reader and reads probably average for 1st grade.

She likes school and was sad to the point of tears when school let out. I ask her often what she likes and doesn't like about school. Often, she can't think of anything she doesn't like about school. I ask her who her friends are, and she says "Everybody", but it takes her a long time to learn names.

She was a wonderful baby, slept well, ate well. She was so pretty that taking her out was like being part of a celebrity's entourage. People would stop to fuss over her all the time. She walked late. She was a happy baby and is still a happy girl now.

I see a lot of my myself in her. School for me was horrible. I hated it. Back in the 1970's where I went to school, kids who did not get their work done in class would have to stand and watch the other kids take recess. I wasn't allowed to just finish my work during that time, which I probably could have done in a quiet classroom while the other kids were gone to recess. Looking back, I am sure that I and the handful of other kids watching recess were all ADD. No one knew it then.

But, in the meantime, I was reading books like crazy, graduating to the adult side of the public library by 6th grade. At least I had that escape.

And physical activities? When team captions were picking their teams, guess who was picked last? Yeah, that would be me.

My bedroom was a disaster and many childhood Saturdays were spent with my mom yelling at the bedroom door while I "cleaned up my room". I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag, and my parents thought they were being so funny when they gave me my CB handle - "Little Lost Lady".

Flash forward to now. So far, my daughter doesn't hate school, so I would say she is having a much better academic experience than I did. I intend to tell her 2nd grade teacher about my own ADHD, but what else do I do? She doesn't seem to be troubled at this point in her life, but I can see it coming. I just don't want her to go through what I have.

I have two daughters inattentive subtype. They both were cute as children although the one would over react to situations and was very shy. She is now 17. She would be more borderline ADD. The best thing I did was have her tested in grade 9. She was really starting to think she was stupid. I wish I had set routines in for her at an early age with doing homework and using a planner. She will graduate next year with a B average. We have used a tutor and I am on her about school all the time. Neither she nor my other innattentive daughter take meds. My adhd daughter does.

My second daughter is more like yours. She is sweet and a darling. Her comorbid or "second difficulty" would be an LD and the school picked it up early and tested her. She got behind in relation to her classmates early and we had her homeschooled 1/2 time in grade 4. The school board dragged it's heels on this one but we just pulled her. Her strict grandama does homeschools her and her skills levels are rising faster then her age. It's the best money I have ever spent. She is in grade 6 now and wishes she didn't have to do this anymore, her classmates bug her about it. Next year will be the last year we do this because grade 8 should be more like Highschool and we need to prepare for it then.

You're not alone. My eight-year-old girl is more of the inattentive type. Sweet, chatty, funny, and well-behaved in class but has learning disabilities and "yes, she tries very, very hard," in fact it makes me sad at times how all her work just does not seem to add up at times. Now and then we do see a quick progress and it's a relief. We are looking at evaluations, therapy, maybe even meds (although that's never the first option for me.) I know the greatest threat from her point of view is stigma so I am not ready to pull her out of her day class. But I want to make sure we try every avenue to help her. An IEP and chronicled evaluations by mental health professionals has helped us a lot in the school system. I find her to be very sensitive, witty, and creative and her friends and family find her so loveable! I am trying to use these strengths as I work with her. It's a lifetime of loving your child and being her advocate, pushing for the best outcome for her in school and everywhere else. That's how I see it. Kati

Thank you for the responses!

I am not sure my daughter had learning disabilities - but it is possible with the reversed b's and d's. My brother had lots of problems with dyslexia while in school. I have never been diagnosed with any, but I have problems telling time, knowing right from left, etc. so maybe I do have some mild problems, or it is just the ADHD.

As long as she is enjoying school, I don't think we will take any action, but the minute she starts being unhappy there, I want to get some evaluation done. I will be talking with her teacher next year. My biggest fear is the my daugher won't tell me if she is having trouble. Her sunny personality is a joy, but I also worry that it is a mask at time, just as it is for me.

I worry and worry and worry. But I try not to let her feel or sense my worry. I probably don't do a good job of it though. I just never want her to experience what I went through. I was never really out cast or picked on by other kids - because I always had a sense of humor and cheerul demeanor. But I was humiliated by teachers who chose inappropriate punishments for my lack of performance and by the structure of certain phyisical activities, such as team captains choosing teams, etc.

More responses, please! I really want to hear how others are handling these issues - not only observations, worries, and actions you are taking with your own child, but how those things make you feel about your own childhood. Do my childhood horrors cause me to over react to things I see in my daughter?

There are no more ADD Inattentive girls out there?

I have an 18 year old that is coming to grips with the possibility. She's reluctantly investigating. She's beginning to fear next year's university and the trial by fire.
Ian

I'm an inattentive girl :D

(at 33, but learning about ADD takes me back to childhood)

I have 3 sons and one is my duplicate.

I just wanted to be accepted as I am, encouraged in my strengths and talents. My parents tended to take advantage of my quiet independence and I would have benefited more from some proactive rather than so much reactive parenting.

She will tell you what you want to hear if she believes it will protect you from feeling bad. She can tell when you're worried, without saying a word.

Not everything needs to be tested. People have weaknesses and strengths. A friend of mine has a daydreamer daughter. Mum is very active in the PTA, teacher meetings, getting to the bottom of things her daughter says. Her daughter is the ultimate "girl who cried wolf". When she complained of a stomach ache at bedtime Mom didn't think much of it. Then her friends asked "Is she stressed?" Didn't occur to Mom, but as she dug deeper (all the while keeping a pretty matter- of- fact tone) she found out the teacher had pretty unrealistic expectations. Long story short, with some digging around and advocating, she got her daughter the reassurance and help she needed, her daughter only knowing relief from stress. She started with the simplest explanations first, and worked her way up.

With a Mom like you, your daughter will have a better start in life than most, and someone on her side through whatever comes her way. She's blessed.

I have two inattentive girls, teen-agers, who are on meds, and it helps them concentrate on their work. I also have a elementary school son who's inattentive, and he's on meds. It's helped him the most. His teacher said it's like night and day, that he's just perfect in class and his work is perfect too. We're definitely seeing that in the work that comes home, and she said we'll see it on his report card too.

beautiful, serene in personality, always well behaved...........everything else sounds like me when I was 6.


My son was a lot like your little girl too at that age, a perfect baby and good, easy, laid back little guy. Meds really helped him too. :) good luck with her.
You are being very attentive and you will do the right thing:)


"I wish I were six again, whatever happened to my lunchbox? "
~gourmet~

I'm one. Friends called my "space case" etc. Always did well in school (once my classmates filled me in on the directions I always seemed to miss).

I am 37 now but was not diagnosed until a year and a half ago. I did suspect I had ADD after seeing Dr Hallowell on tv promoting his book "Driven to Distraction" and then after reading it.

I was a little torn for a while as well as a lot of attention was paid to the "hyper" part of the syndrome which does not fit me at all. However, the rest of the innattentive tendencies are quite classic.

I do feel like my life might have been better had I known that all the procrastination, the lateness, the disorganization and the dreaming was part of the way I was wired and not something I "should have been able to control" like other people.

With a mother who is aware of and understanding of her child's issues from the start it seems that your daughter has a good head start and you will be very effective in helping to provide her with strategies and methods to help her succeed.

I could go on for hours so if you have any specific questions, I would be happy to answer them.

I have a 16 yr. old who is add inattentive and is having major problems now that she's in high school and can't get by on just her charming personality. She begins with the best of intentions, but by mid-term is floundering and getting zeros for homework not handed in and poor test grades. We have begun medication, and although we can tell a huge difference at home, the next few weeks will tell about school. My concern is her low confidence and self-image. As much as we encourage her and emphasize her successes, we know she doesn't see herself as such. She thinks she's "dumb" and I know there's a struggle behind that pretty smile.

We love her dearly but I confess we do go through tense times with her. We only want her to realize what a gift she is.

Although there's so much more to this problem, I just wanted to weigh in and add myself to this discussion. Any thoughts on where we go now would be appreciated.

I am 31 and am ADD/inattentive with an anxiety disorder. The anxiety has gotten better when I started addressing the ADD. My mother recently asked me what she could've done differently to help me. I remember keeping so much inside. For example, I didn't have friends, and I was playing by myself on the play ground. A boy came and threw sand in my face and ran off laughing giving everyone high fives. I was only 8. I never told anyone. I kept seeing his face and replaying it over and over in my head. Maybe it's unfair to say, but I wish my mom could have pulled it out of me somehow. I kept way to much inside. I still remember that like it was yesterday. Also, teachers would get frustrated with me and I would be scared to ask questions because I didn't want to hear the sarcasm or get yelled at. I wish my mom would have been my advocate instead of side with the teacher every single time.
I think we need to be reminded of how beautiful, intelligent, valuable, wonderful, unique women we are!

My daughter was a very quiet , sweet kid. She was happy, but a very messy, disorganized child. She did not care much about toys, dolls, etc, but she loved drawing and coloring, and having friends.

She spoke so infrequently that by the time she reached the age of five I was beginning to worry about her. On the other hand , she started reading spontaneously at 4, just like I did. It was a little spooky to see my own traits emerge in her....when she reached the age of 11 , she started talking a LOT and has not shut her mouth since! She got good grades in school.

She turned 31 last october, and was recently diagnosed as bipolar. Her oldest child has ADHD, but her other two children seem to be normal. The littlest one is too young to tell, so I guess we have to wait and see.

We have 4 generations of disorder in my family. From what I remember of my grandparents, I might be persuaded to say 5 generations....Is this possibly a record of some kind ?

ME :D

I am the inattentive girl.


I was drawing at 3, reading at 4, writing at 5. I started talking at 18 months...I was a math olympic in grade school. I was shy. I was clumsy-with things as well as with people.I lost hundreds of pens, pencils, hats, scarfs, mittens.My grandma in her 60's had a better memory when it came to find my backpack . At 10 I could not fall asleep until 2-3 am and had problems waking up.My childhood friends were asking me why a smart girl like me talks sometimes without thinking. I wass driving my grandma crazy because she had to call me 2-3 times before I heard her and because I was very particular about how food is to be served and smells-wrong food, wrong smell and I'd trow up....I was very stubborn and I could not comply with the strict rules in my kindergarden. (I was living in a comunist country).I seemed to be a very mature girl, but by 16 I was a drunk and by 17 I had my first baby. He saved me. I am not an alchoolic and I started to learn hard again . At 19 -on my birthday-I passed the exam for a state scholarship for college. I had a scholarship until I graduated my master...

I am beginning to wonder if my 11 year old daughter is ADD-inattentive type. This is something I realize I need to read up on. She is very bright and has always been at the top of her class but has had focus problems and has had problems with timed tests. She used to be very bothered with background noises when she was trying to focus on something but is doing better now. Her teacher this year has been very helpful with her and is impressed how well she does. When she was in 4th grade she used earphones and that worked great for her. She no longer uses them but I wonder if it is more due to peer pressure. My daughter can sometimes be very emotional, but can also be very cold. Something has to really bother her for her emotions to come out. She can be temperatmental when she doesn't get her way and is very stubborn. I wish I could say that my daughter was warm and sweet but she seems to have a prickly kind of personality, at least right now anyway. I have tried to be nurturing and loving to her but this does not seem to be her nature.

Sometimes it makes me so sad when I want to hug her and she just pushes me away. My husband is not real emotional so I wonder if that may have something to do with it too. I wrote in an earlier post about a hyper-sensitivity my daughter seems to have with brushing her teeth. She is also a really picky eater. I know these things are all related and I do wonder if maybe she could be ADD-inattentive. I really want to help her out as much as I can, so any information you all could give or advice I appreciate so much.
Dee

There's a book out by Kathleen Nadeau, Ellen Littman, and Patricia Quinn that I haven't read yet but is on my hit list as soon as I have few dollars to rub together called Understanding Girls with AD/HD. It disucsses how ADHD affects girls from preschool through high school. Gender difference are discussed along wtih issues related to school success, medication, treatment, family relationships, and susceptibility to other disorders such as anxiety, depression, and learning disabilities. Thought you might find it interesting.

My eight year old daughter is hyper at home -- running through the house "driven as if by a motor", but at school is quiet and day dreamy. I guess that means she's combined type. She definately wants to please her teachers but has a lot of trouble with writing, math facts, and is behind in her reading despite having an IQ in the superior range. I'm homeschooling her and she is making progress but I'm afraid would probably have drowned at the speed they go in a regular classroom, especially without one on one attention. I don't know -- maybe I'm overprotective and she would have surprised me. She also inherited her dad's dyslexia but fortunately a milder case.

Scattered

My daughter is almost 19 and we found out she was ADD when she was a freshman in high school. Looking back on her earlier years I see so much of what exactly your girls have gone through. She also has a high IQ, is very creative, and also very sensitive...cried easily when she was younger, etc. But then I noticed as she got older she had put on her armor...I think she protected herself from her peers, from those that made fun of her, etc. It came across as being cold, and that is something she still does...I think she always had self-esteem issues, even tho she is a bright, active, talented girl...it seems that girls with ADD have a big problem believing in themselves, even when we parents are cheering them on. Of course teens and preteens today go through alot of crap, that when we were kids(I'm 50 so it was a lonnng time ago)we didn't have to go through. This site has really given me alot of information and alot of answers to try to help my daughter with...I have just read "Delivered from Distraction" and I want to get the book that was suggested about girls with ADD inattentive. Thanks to you all!

That book sounds exactly what I need to read. Thanks so much for the advice. Dee

I was about to type "my 9 yr old" but then I realized she just turned 10. Very scary.

She has recently been diagnosed as ADD inattentive type. She is extremely gifted and remains way ahead academically. We might not have caught the ADD if my son (a much more obvious case) hadn't had it. As a younger child she was much like others here describe - sweet, quiet, maybe a little spacey, but always did the right thing and was generally no problem. She was an early talker, reader, etc.

However, she began having serious self-esteem problems, anxiety, and some social difficulty in the last couple of years. I (and teachers) began to notice that in spite of exceptionally high grades/scores, everything takes her way, way longer than other kids. It takes her *forever* to do anything, from dressing to eating breakfast to schoolwork. She can't make decisions and loses things. She doesn't move off of topics of conversation quickly enough and struggles to get all the social details. Its almost like everything she does is in slow motion sometimes.

We tried lots of things but ultimately decided to put her on Adderall about 3 weeks ago. I was originally against meds, but we tried it out of desperation for our son, and his life was totally transformed for the better...so I'm sold. Anyway, it has helped........ I see a huge reduction in her general anxiety and stress level, especially this week. She still takes a long time to do things but it doesn't seem to frustrate her so much.

Good luck
S

My 10 yr old
I recognize myself in this 10 year old...she'll be fine with proper care. it will be important for her to know why she is how she is and maybe get her help thru school-counselling, so she can addapt better....
Tell her it is ok to be slower, what i really find hard to cope with in US culture is the way of doing things fast- runing all day busy,busy, busy....

Being an ADHD - I spent my life loud and hyper- I married a quiet daydreamer- inatttentive ADD- although 25 yrs ago when we married nobody used those words. I've learned a lot about both kinds- please be assured my 45 yr old husband displays a lot of the traits(down to the lack of coordination) your daughter (and my 12 yr old daughter) do and there is hope. It is hard- you have to be attentive- be their advocate- there are ways to help them learn to focus- some good books have already been recommended- but each kid is her own individual- we tried a lot of things before finding some that worked. Many inattentives have time problems- no sense of time passage, etc- they daydream-look up- test is over- they are suprized. We have worked a lot on ways to prioritize, physical ways to help with sense of time passing. For example, my husband listens to music while working on computer. He says it helps him time himself- ten songs gone by so he's not been on less than 10 minutes like he might have assumed. I would think he could look at clock- but ADD daydreamers don't work that way. He's a good guy, reasonably successful. You will be okay-love her for who she is- involve her in finding a solution-kudos on not overlooking her just because she's not complaining- keep trying other creative ways to manage- we say its not a disability, just a different mind set. Sounds like you are a good mom.

omy goodness! I'm realizing how rare we are! I have two in-attentive ADD daughters. first one did fine all through grade school- so I thought. jr. and sr. high killed her. she ended up dropping out of school. She is a great kid (!9yrs. old) my 2nd ADD girl- vEEEEEEEEEEry smart, daydreaming, 10yr old. the stories above sound like my life.
last to be picked for games, friends always saying 'you are so smart. why are you failing class?' losing friends because I said things before filtering them. I take a caffeine pill in the morning and can focus most of the day. Does anyone else give their kids caffeine? Or take it themselves?

Another inattentive girl here, well, woman :)
This is all so recognisable ... it is uncanny. I just got diagnosed after years and years of things gradually falling apart and not being able to get a hold on life. I was very reluctant to tell my mom but I am so happy I did. She read up about ADD and then it all made sense to her as well. She has always known that there was something with me but they could not find out what - I grew up in the '70s - and has never stopped worrying in some way about me. I remember being taken to a psychologist but all he ever advised was to put me in judo class to boost my self confidence ... but they never did. I think I would have hated it anyhow since I was so bad at, even frightened of, sports. But she is really happy that I finally found out what has jinxed me all this time and that there is some hope of improving it.

I was a very dreamy girl too, slow moving. I remember being teased, occasionally bullied, by the other girls for that, though strange enough, the popular boys sort of protected me and were generally very nice. I was sort of a geek .. totally loved science (bit like young Ellie Arroway in Carl Sagan's novel Contact) and did not too bad in school at first. But I hit the "wall" around 8th grade and academic performance went down and down after that. I barely got my high school diploma (despite having been tested the highest iq of all 150 7th graders) and failed miserably at the university. Well, since then, life's been a bumpy ride.

Mygosh, I have been so lonely and anxious at school, felt so inept, althoug others generally did not pick that up and just thought I was shy-ish and sweet. It is such a great thing that kids get diagnosed earlier today. I find that heart warming and it even makes me feel better about my own situation. I was talking with a mother of an inattentive girl on another (dutch) forum, about "being different". She argued that "being different" was not that bad .. like "we all want to be different, don't we?"
To which I answered that I had not particularly liked to be different ... all I wanted is to "belong to" and to be normal. I did not have the "choice" to be normal.
She then sent me a personal message. It went like this:

"Just imagine, that your parents had known you had ADD since you were 6 yrs old. At home, they would have taken that into account. At age 7 you were sent to an ADHD course (which did not particularly help except that it made it more clear to you that you were different, but that that was OK). Your mother spoke with you about your limitations but stressed whatever you were good at and it was more than clear that your parents were very proud of you! The teacher knew about your ADD, as did the other kids in your class and you felt valued and safe. Would it then be less worrysome to be different?

That is what I'd like to ask you."

This hit me very, very hard. She was obviously talking about how she handles her own daughter but it describes in painful detail what I remember dreaming of day-in day-out, of being recognised that I was different but that that was OK.

This is what it is about. To be able to feel safe and valued.
Good. There is work to be done. There is hope again.

That is a beautiful post Luthien. Thank you.

That is a beautiful post Luthien. Thank you.That is really good to hear :)

B and D reversal is a very normal part of a grade 1 and into grade 2. You should teach her b e d (use fingers to create b and d and remind her that e goes in the middle), it helps.
Thank you for the responses!

I am not sure my daughter had learning disabilities - but it is possible with the reversed b's and d's. My brother had lots of problems with dyslexia while in school. I have never been diagnosed with any, but I have problems telling time, knowing right from left, etc. so maybe I do have some mild problems, or it is just the ADHD.

As long as she is enjoying school, I don't think we will take any action, but the minute she starts being unhappy there, I want to get some evaluation done. I will be talking with her teacher next year. My biggest fear is the my daugher won't tell me if she is having trouble. Her sunny personality is a joy, but I also worry that it is a mask at time, just as it is for me.

I worry and worry and worry. But I try not to let her feel or sense my worry. I probably don't do a good job of it though. I just never want her to experience what I went through. I was never really out cast or picked on by other kids - because I always had a sense of humor and cheerul demeanor. But I was humiliated by teachers who chose inappropriate punishments for my lack of performance and by the structure of certain phyisical activities, such as team captains choosing teams, etc.

More responses, please! I really want to hear how others are handling these issues - not only observations, worries, and actions you are taking with your own child, but how those things make you feel about your own childhood. Do my childhood horrors cause me to over react to things I see in my daughter?