View Full Version : Leaving the past and relationships behind


anonymouslyadd
12-14-16, 01:25 AM
Moving hundreds of miles away from where I grew up gave me a new life. I didn't have to worry about old memories popping up or having my dad hound me over whether I ate dinner or not.

Two years later, I have no interest in moving back and can see myself letting go of most of my relationships there. This concerns me a little, but it's also freeing.

Are there people who have moved away from family and found themselves not wanting to have relationships with those they left? I'd love to hear from people who left there home to begin a new life far away.

I think my actions have shocked my older brother. I think he misses me. This makes me sad, and I can feel the desire to make him happy creep up inside me.

aeon
12-14-16, 10:52 AM
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Unmanagable
12-14-16, 12:37 PM
"Wherever you go, there you are." I forget exactly who said that, but I've certainly found it to be true.

No matter how far away I moved, the remnants of consciousness and prior unresolved struggles remained very much in tact and popped up in many different forms, regardless of how well I felt I was doing in the moment, creating significant discomfort in many forms until I was able to weed through it all, repeatedly, and recognize the roots.

I discovered it isn't the external relationships that caused me the most strife, aside from the blatantly violent and abusive incidents, of course, but the one I have with myself that's the most important. Learning to nurture self healthily was my greatest need, everywhere I went. No one ever healthily taught me that.

With that being said, I've learned it is very necessary to let some people go from my life. Even the ones I thought would have a permanent place in my heart. My well-being must trump whatever story I've created in my mind that tries to talk me out of what's best for me. I tried it the other way around for 40+ years and it didn't provide healthy or nurturing results for anyone involved.

aeon
12-14-16, 01:17 PM
"Wherever you go, there you are." I forget exactly who said that, but I've certainly found it to be true.

No matter how far away I moved, the remnants of consciousness and prior unresolved struggles remained very much in tact and popped up in many different forms, regardless of how well I felt I was doing in the moment, creating significant discomfort in many forms until I was able to weed through it all, repeatedly, and recognize the roots.

I discovered it isn't the external relationships that caused me the most strife, aside from the blatantly violent and abusive incidents, of course, but the one I have with myself that's the most important. Learning to nurture self healthily was my greatest need, everywhere I went. No one ever healthily taught me that.

With that being said, I've learned it is very necessary to let some people go from my life. Even the ones I thought would have a permanent place in my heart. My well-being must trump whatever story I've created in my mind that tries to talk me out of what's best for me. I tried it the other way around for 40+ years and it didn't provide healthy or nurturing results for anyone involved.

I could not have said it better myself. Words to live by.

And looking back, it is wisdom hard won. All because without the discernment and prudence to choose wisely, I tried every other way first until I realized there was one option left, or die trying:

Love myself, well and true, without condition, without exception, without judgement.

It’s both easier and harder than I ever thought it would be. Easier in that all I have to do is open myself and be vulnerable, be welcoming to myself, which doesn’t require any “doing” at all. Ceasing to do other things, more like.

And harder because it requires a commitment, and a discipline, and to trust oneself. To do it, even when it is hard. To do it, even when other choices would seem easier, fun, satisfying, or any number of other “reasons.”

And for sure, in those times when old scripts and schemas and narratives come creeping, seeking to undo all your work, and throw you from your inner throne/bean bag/lotus leaf of equanimity — and they will! — you must remain open, and grounded, and trust in yourself and the redemptive power of Love to be the light when all other lights have gone out.


Namaste,
Ian

anonymouslyadd
12-15-16, 12:08 AM
"Wherever you go, there you are." I forget exactly who said that, but I've certainly found it to be true.

No matter how far away I moved, the remnants of consciousness and prior unresolved struggles remained very much in tact and popped up in many different forms, regardless of how well I felt I was doing in the moment, creating significant discomfort in many forms until I was able to weed through it all, repeatedly, and recognize the roots.

I discovered it isn't the external relationships that caused me the most strife, aside from the blatantly violent and abusive incidents, of course, but the one I have with myself that's the most important. Learning to nurture self healthily was my greatest need, everywhere I went. No one ever healthily taught me that.

With that being said, I've learned it is very necessary to let some people go from my life. Even the ones I thought would have a permanent place in my heart. My well-being must trump whatever story I've created in my mind that tries to talk me out of what's best for me. I tried it the other way around for 40+ years and it didn't provide healthy or nurturing results for anyone involved.
You offer sobering advice, Unmanagable.

While it's important to stay away from toxic people, I can't forget about the importance of working on myself and being the best that I can be, even under the most abhorrent circumstances. There is a danger in avoiding people and circumstances to appease our need for comfort.

I think I need more time to think on this subject some more.

WheresMyMind
12-15-16, 03:11 AM
Moving hundreds of miles away from where I grew up gave me a new life. I didn't have to worry about old memories popping up or having my dad hound me over whether I ate dinner or not.

Two years later, I have no interest in moving back and can see myself letting go of most of my relationships there. This concerns me a little, but it's also freeing.

Are there people who have moved away from family and found themselves not wanting to have relationships with those they left? I'd love to hear from people who left there home to begin a new life far away.

I think my actions have shocked my older brother. I think he misses me. This makes me sad, and I can feel the desire to make him happy creep up inside me.

Oh, man, does this resonate!!

I'm the black sheep who moved 2400 miles from family at age 23 - it's what my career needed. I didn't know it at the time, but breaking free from the influence of my family and, frankly, the boxed-in attitudes of where I grew up (all places have boxed-in attitudes, but you won't see them until you move elsewhere and find you're in a different box - once you've realized there are two boxes, you are better able to rise above both and be your own self)...well, getting away from that freed me up to learn to do what's right for me and my own interactions with the world. ADHD made that harder than for most folks, but I can't imaging doing it at all had I stayed close to home.

I have a younger brother who's never been more than 75 miles from home, and he is stuck in the same ruts he was in 30 years ago, blaming all the problems in his life on others. He does not have ADHD, but has not been as successful as I have been. The other brother did not intend to move far from home, and he struggled and stumbled to make his way through life, relying too much on parental guidance...at age 32, his employer abruptly moved 800 miles and it was THEN that his career and rest of his life began to flourish.

As humans, we tend to over-react to new situations and it's for a good reason. It's hard to be close to something, then a little less close - so we go from embracing our childhood education, then to rejecting it wholeheartedly - and then a few years later, are able to pick and choose the beneficial stuff from it and recognize and truly honor our parents for the great things they did for us. Took me about 5 years to go through those steps, and since then I recognize even more fabulous things my folks did every year.

I have zero ties with friends from home...most of them did not move and when I encounter them, they all seem to have circumscribed a box around themselves that gets smaller every year.

WMM