View Full Version : Rejection-Sensistive Dysphoria (RSD) Fluffing Stinks


hypergirl96
12-15-16, 11:55 PM
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Just when I think I've started getting to a point where I can actually look myself in the mirror and not hate my reflection because I've started to no longer see myself as a worthless human being without talent and skill who is actually started to make positive strides in their life, who's actually starting to build real, lasting friendships with people they care about and not messing them up horribly, whose finally started to see themselves as having worth and value and not just being a useless, incapable waste of space.

Just when that starts to happen, RSD is there to slap me in the face and bring me to my absolute lowest. Long story short of what happened this time, my roommate and I have been having some issues because we have really different sleep schedules. In that I actually need sleep and she apparently doesn't. And of course I have insomnia because why would this ever be easy? So yeah. Beginning of the semester, several weeks in, she finally tells me all the issues she's been having with me and that she's apparently hated her living situation so much that's she's been desperately trying to get a single...without even ever addressing the situation with me first. So if that didn't already make me feel like crap.

Well more stuff happens, I've been trying to be as conscientious as possible but last night was rough cause she came back at three in the morning, I had to be up at 8:30 for an exam, I couldn't fall asleep. The fire alarm in the room next door malfunctioned and went off at seven in the morning. It wasn't fun. She comes in tonight at nine talking on the phone. Sees I'm there, leaves as she starts saying "I can't f-ing do this more. I have to move out." Etc, etc. Clearly referring to living with me. And of course all I hear is "I hate her. She's horrible. Who could ever live with her. This is hell." Then of course we have a talk after she comes back in which she spouts a lot of stuff and really nothing much gets resolved cause with both have our own issues. Heck the more she goes and tries to "fix her situation" (aka me) without addressing the issue with me first and trying to work it out, the more I feel like she doesn't trust me to be able to even try to improve myself and that makes me feel like I am just a horrible problem and totally incapable of improvement to the point that my roommate can't even trust that I can work things out with her because clearly I am incapable of ever not being a problem.

And shoot I just thought I'd started to get to a good place. Doing better in school, improving my quality of life in general, actually being entrusted with responsibility in an organization I'm a part of, building my relationships more strongly and working towards self and life improvement. And then this happens and then I'm alone thinking of all the other rejections that I've experienced throughout the semester that have affected me and then just breaking down cause I feel like a worthless waste of space that just can't do anything right ever.

Just...RSD fluffing stinks. I hate it. But even though I can deal with it rationally, I still don't know how to deal with it emotionally. Rationalizing my feelings and understanding where they come from doesn't make me feel like any less of a waste of space and air. And every time I experience a minor rejection, it's like all that self-hate was just bubbling below the surface waiting to burst. I hate this. I can't live my life like this. I'm emotionally unstable and prone to periods of deep loneliness and self-loathing that just eats me up. But I don't know what to do. I've never been good with emotions. I only ever cry when I'm my hormones are all up in my brain chemistry. I don't know how to feel and yet at the same time I feel way too much.

I just...don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in a rut and just can't get out. That I can never really improve myself because I'll never be able to believe that I am capable or that I have improved even when I do. I just...don't know what to do anymore...

sarahsweets
12-16-16, 04:26 AM
Tell her to go f**k herself. Dont let her nastiness affect how you feel about yourself.
You are NOT: lazy, crazy, stupid, worthless, unworthy, unloveable, terrible, horrible, lousy or insignificant.
You are human.
You have flaws.
You have gifts.

madmax988
12-16-16, 08:57 AM
why don't you just tell her straight up to either work it out or just move out once and for all.its likely she has already prepared for the latter so tell her how pleased you'd be once all her bickering stops for good.Tit for tat
In the meantime try jelling with newer people who are light and happy.The atmosphere will help you heal faster and get out of the depressive loop.

hypergirl96
12-20-16, 08:50 PM
Really the situation is kind of a bit more complicated and because I simplified the explanation it probably sounds like I vilified my roommate a little more than is deserved. I was kind of in a really bad mental and emotional place when I wrote this so I was mostly just venting. And really just commenting on how much RSD really stinks...while going through an RSD moment.

So yeah sorry for mainly venting at you guys and thanks for reading and responding! I'm glad you guys cared enough my post to do so. :)

kilted_scotsman
12-21-16, 11:13 AM
I think the room-mate/dorm thing that seems to pervade US universities is another thing that subtly discriminates against people with AS/ADHD and other issues like RSD.

It was tough enough living in a 6 bedroom corridor in my first years at Uni, the thought of SHARING a bedroom would have been disastrous for my self-esteem and studies plus I would have quickly driven any room-mate nuts!

Everyone's entitled to their own space, particularly when transitioning into the adult world.

stef
12-21-16, 12:53 PM
I'm so sure roommate issues make everything worse. Whatever happened she shouldnt have gone behind your back.

The only good roommate situation I had was the first one, total random matchup my freshman year. But she transfered because she didnt like the university.

I lived with friends after that (in dormitory, in apartment) and it was a disaster. i nearly lost my best friend in college my sophomore year. We agreed to switch rooms with 2 other people on the same floor who also couldnt get along. We were then again inseperable, the very day we moved.

When i had a room at university here in France they were all single rooms, it was just perfect.