View Full Version : Spouse to ADD husband


Theremustbeaway
12-28-16, 05:14 PM
Hi all. I'm really glad I've found this site. I really need some support. I love my husband so much. He was diagnosed with ADD last year. We have two beautiful children. Despite all efforts, my husband seems to consistently over promise and under deliver. He wants to do suceed so bad, but he doesn't take any actual steps towards changing and he hates any effort from me to help change his strategy. Over the years our relationship has gone from bad to worse to better and back to bad over and over again. We love each other so much but I feel like I have to constantly clean up his mess and subsequently he continually feels emasculated. I don't want to be his parent and I don't want the burden of doing everything myself all the time. I know that he has good intentions but I'm tired and I feel like I have and continue to sacrifice so much. I also know he is suffering which breaks my heart. I understand that it's not intentional and that it isn't fair on him...but I don't know if I can spend my entire life loving someone who constantly dissapoints me. At what point is it considered unfair for the non-ADD spouse? I work full time and find myself still running the house and helping the kids with homework etc...he also has anger problems so this makes it even harder to maintain a good relationship. He was trying to run his own business but after 5 years of getting into a mountain of debt, he has had no choice but to close it. He has also injured his arm so can't do physical labour...so he's basically at home til he figured out what he wants to do. I have letters piling up and creditors calling everyday...what am I supposed to do?

Fuzzy12
12-28-16, 08:38 PM
It doesn't really matter what's fair or not when it comes to.illnesses. no it's not fair that your husband has to suffer with this debilitating and frustrating disorder and it's not fair thst you have to suffer with him.
What matters though is what is acceptable to you. If nothing changes fed can you put up with it.

Is he getting any treatment for adhd? If not, that's the first thing I'd recommend.

sarahsweets
12-29-16, 07:29 AM
Hi all. I'm really glad I've found this site. I really need some support. I love my husband so much. He was diagnosed with ADD last year. We have two beautiful children. Despite all efforts, my husband seems to consistently over promise and under deliver. He wants to do suceed so bad, but he doesn't take any actual steps towards changing and he hates any effort from me to help change his strategy.

My first question...is he being treated and if so how?

Over the years our relationship has gone from bad to worse to better and back to bad over and over again. We love each other so much but I feel like I have to constantly clean up his mess and subsequently he continually feels emasculated. I don't want to be his parent and I don't want the burden of doing everything myself all the time. I know that he has good intentions but I'm tired and I feel like I have and continue to sacrifice so much. I also know he is suffering which breaks my heart.
What kinds of messes are you talking about? Do you mean projects,social issues,bills? All of the above?

I understand that it's not intentional and that it isn't fair on him...but I don't know if I can spend my entire life loving someone who constantly dissapoints me. At what point is it considered unfair for the non-ADD spouse?
I guess its not really fair to either person right?

I work full time and find myself still running the house and helping the kids with homework etc...he also has anger problems so this makes it even harder to maintain a good relationship. He was trying to run his own business but after 5 years of getting into a mountain of debt, he has had no choice but to close it. He has also injured his arm so can't do physical labour...so he's basically at home til he figured out what he wants to do. I have letters piling up and creditors calling everyday...what am I supposed to do?
What kind of anger issues and how are they manifested in your household?
Is it outbursts? Loud fighting? Verbal or physical abuse?

ToneTone
12-30-16, 02:56 PM
Can you get counseling for yourself? I ask because there are no easy answers to your predicament. If there were, you would have taken them long ago. Plus, you've probably overlooked some of his under-functioning before and you want to get clear on your role and your right to stand up for yourself.

Is he in treatment? If not, why not? He needs to be seeing a psychiatrist AND a therapist most likely.

I for one think it is really hard for a spouse to be patient with a partner who has a condition but is refusing treatment. If treatment doesn't work, that's one thing. But if the person isn't even seeking treatment, then that's another issue.

Really the best move for you right now is to get to a therapist yourself because you have to get REALLY clear ... about what you want, how to lovingly interact with someone who is struggling, how to protect the children, how to set limits and boundaries and on an on.

Good luck.

Tone