View Full Version : Motivated by good?


Free to Fly
12-29-16, 02:07 PM
My S/O asked a really good question.....she does that a lot....annnnd :

I don't have an answer.

In the ongoing struggle to be together, we have highs and lows. Normal, I think, but because I am ADD the highs are higher and the lows are really dark. We went thru a several month period that was wonderful, ecstatic, glorious, and I let it slip away. All the usual, for me....which consists of mostly doing the things that I see needing done, and letting our time together slide to the back burner. She is sensitive to seeing me slip away and I resist her. I go into some kind of stress survival head in the sand mode.

Suggestions? Ideas? Comments?

aeon
12-29-16, 02:20 PM
My S/O asked a really good question.....she does that a lot....annnnd :

I don't have an answer.

In the ongoing struggle to be together, we have highs and lows. Normal, I think, but because I am ADD the highs are higher and the lows are really dark. We went thru a several month period that was wonderful, ecstatic, glorious, and I let it slip away. All the usual, for me....which consists of mostly doing the things that I see needing done, and letting our time together slide to the back burner. She is sensitive to seeing me slip away and I resist her. I go into some kind of stress survival head in the sand mode.

Suggestions? Ideas? Comments?

Normally, I would say something about being mindful, and yadda, yadda, yadda...

But I wonít, and instead, I will say this:

Go find someone you canít help but be madly, truly, passionately in love with. Someone who would so compel your attention that slipping this way or that would not happen, and even if it did, there she would be.


Best Wishes,
Ian

Free to Fly
12-29-16, 02:34 PM
Normally, I would say something about being mindful, and yadda, yadda, yadda...

But I wonít, and instead, I will say this:

Go find someone you canít help but be madly, truly, passionately in love with. Someone who would so compel your attention that slipping this way or that would not happen, and even if it did, there she would be.


Best Wishes,
Ian

I have found someone I am madly, truly, passionately in love with. Someone who so compels my attention that slipping this way or that would not happen, and even if it did, there she would be.

My diagnosis of ADHD (from a psych specialist) was "worst case of ADHD adult I have yet seen." And that was truly meant as a comment, not a negative, in a counseling conversation in addressing meds.

She has been with me thru so much, and for so long....she is getting worn down. And I am tired of wearing her down.

Interesting that mindfulness is part of your initial response, I have been researching that subject this morning, after having dismissed it so many times over the last few years. It was suggested again in my last session with my counselor. I am thinking I should actually listen to her.

Being alone in my head is very uncomfortable.

And thank you for commenting, I read much of what you write here and see value.

aeon
12-29-16, 03:00 PM
I have found someone I am madly, truly, passionately in love with. Someone who so compels my attention that slipping this way or that would not happen, and even if it did, there she would be.

My diagnosis of ADHD (from a psych specialist) was "worst case of ADHD adult I have yet seen." And that was truly meant as a comment, not a negative, in a counseling conversation in addressing meds.

She has been with me thru so much, and for so long....she is getting worn down. And I am tired of wearing her down.

Interesting that mindfulness is part of your initial response, I have been researching that subject this morning, after having dismissed it so many times over the last few years. It was suggested again in my last session with my counselor. I am thinking I should actually listen to her.

Being alone in my head is very uncomfortable.

And thank you for commenting, I read much of what you write here and see value.

Thanks so much, that means a lot, and now I am compelled to comment further, especially given what you were just investigating.

Yes, mindfulness. Do think about who she is, what she means to you, how she loves you, how she expresses herself, both as a gift to you, and as her asking you to partner with her and help with the meeting of her needs. Consider what path you would walk without her, and what it would be to walk alone.

Inasmuch as you do love her so (madly, truly, passionately), dwell upon this, routinely, and let it be a means by which you can ground yourself and sink into the experience of loving, and being loved.

And think about how she best receives love and understands that she is loved. I will reference Gary D. Chapman, and his writing on the 5 Love Languages*...does she value touch, time spent together, words of appreciation, acts of service, gifts?

Your love for her is in part your internal feeling and experience, but to my mind there must also be an external expression, an action, something that makes the internal experience manifest in the world, such that she may experience it. What is it that you are going to do to express your love, and demonstrate that it is well and true, such that she can witness, know, and experience being loved by you?

In that she is being worn down, it would suggest she has a need, or needs, that is/are going unmet. What are those needs? Do you know? And if you do, can you help her meet them? I will asssume you are willing, because you love her, and because you have spent some time contemplating this.

And so this gets us to the listening, the active, engaged form of hearing. It is a skill, and one that can be cultivated and developed. To listen, to be open to receiving her, to set aside your thoughts, and only to speak to get feedback to know you have indeed understood what you have been told. Easy to write and describe, but perhaps not so easy to do, especially for someone with ADHD.

And I appreciate that because it is something I had to learn to do, and it was not easy, not easy at all. Even with meds.

And also because, like you, my doctor describes my presentation of ADHD as ďsevere.Ē

Learn what your beloved needs, and what makes her happy, and then strive to think about, and do, those things. Ultimately, that has to be mutual, and reciprocal, but donít worry about that now...focus on growing and developing your capacity to listen, take action, and love her as she would wish and hope and long to be loved, first.


Blessťd Be,
Ian


* pop psychology, but an interesting one to consider, I think.

peripatetic
12-29-16, 03:08 PM
i tend to agree with your counselor and think mindfulness could be helpful. for both of you. i think you need to work on communication during times when things are good and make a plan for how you'll approach communication when they're less good. e.g. what could she say to you to engage you without you resisting when she needs more time with you? things like that, i think, could put in place a plan that you two could then use when you're having a harder time.

best to you both. xx

Free to Fly
12-30-16, 01:16 AM
Learn what your beloved needs, and what makes her happy, and then strive to think about, and do, those things. Ultimately, that has to be mutual, and reciprocal, but donít worry about that now...focus on growing and developing your capacity to listen, take action, and love her as she would wish and hope and long to be loved, first.


Blessťd Be,
Ian


Incredibly well written, insightful, and much appreciated. I have work to do.

sarahsweets
12-30-16, 07:36 AM
My S/O asked a really good question.....she does that a lot....annnnd :

I don't have an answer.

In the ongoing struggle to be together, we have highs and lows. Normal, I think, but because I am ADD the highs are higher and the lows are really dark. We went thru a several month period that was wonderful, ecstatic, glorious, and I let it slip away. All the usual, for me....which consists of mostly doing the things that I see needing done, and letting our time together slide to the back burner. She is sensitive to seeing me slip away and I resist her. I go into some kind of stress survival head in the sand mode.

Suggestions? Ideas? Comments?
I think some of this could be the all or nothing thinking that I can engage with. Not so much black and white thinking but looking at what has to be done or needs to be done and engaging in said thing- to the point of forgetting or alienating the needs of our loved ones and even ourselves. Its not a healthy thing and I do it too sometimes.
I am also the lady who would be hurt by watching my partner slip into that room- especially if my love was stuck in a loop of ruminating. Its a very lonely place to be- to feel like you cant compete with your partners inner dialogue.

sarahsweets
12-30-16, 07:47 AM
I have found someone I am madly, truly, passionately in love with. Someone who so compels my attention that slipping this way or that would not happen, and even if it did, there she would be.

My diagnosis of ADHD (from a psych specialist) was "worst case of ADHD adult I have yet seen." And that was truly meant as a comment, not a negative, in a counseling conversation in addressing meds.

She has been with me thru so much, and for so long....she is getting worn down. And I am tired of wearing her down.

Interesting that mindfulness is part of your initial response, I have been researching that subject this morning, after having dismissed it so many times over the last few years. It was suggested again in my last session with my counselor. I am thinking I should actually listen to her.

Being alone in my head is very uncomfortable.

And thank you for commenting, I read much of what you write here and see value.

These are tough spots to be in. I have also been told I am severe- whatever weight that has I am not sure. I am married to my soulmate for 21 years and he has adhd too-so you can imagine the wagon circles we have driven around each other over the years. Sometimes we are able to hop on our stallions and gallop off into the sunset together- other times we hop on and gallop in different directions. Sometimes our horses graze together while we get stuck in our reveries. (dumb metaphors I know). I would love to say these things were easy to overcome. But even with soul mates there is always work.

It wasnt easy in the beginning, we met when I was 18. Lots of change. We had to learn how to grow up together and understand this adulting thing together.( I am still not an adult and proud of it!)

I feel that as long as you can pull youself away from that abyss of internalization, self seeking, egocentric type of single minded thinking- all is never lost. Its about restructuring. You can always restructure- or add to the foundation of a growing building. Once that building is built though- you cant change the foundation-it is what it is.

The good news is you are 3/4 of the way there- and all is never lost. If you didnt love her in whole you wouldnt even have posted this. Ask her if she has suffered too much wear and tear and see what her answer is. I bet she is perfectly willing to keep growing. Make small tiny changes- even something as small as setting your alarm each day and a reminder to ask her how she is doing and give her 10 devoted fully engaged minutes. It can change everything.

again, sorry for the verbosity. I get carried away about love sometimes.

aeon
12-30-16, 11:27 AM
sorry for the verbosity. I get carried away about love sometimes.

If youíre going to write posts like that, please get carried away more often. ;)

...you can imagine the wagon circles we have driven around each other over the years. Sometimes we are able to hop on our stallions and gallop off into the sunset together- other times we hop on and gallop in different directions. Sometimes our horses graze together while we get stuck in our reveries. (dumb metaphors I know).

No, you donít know...because they were anything but dumb.


Keep Gabbing,
Ian

Little Nut
12-30-16, 12:11 PM
Free To Fly, Are you being successfully treated for ADHD? -LN

ToneTone
12-30-16, 03:00 PM
Yes, say more about your level of treatment right now. Start with the basics. If I am not treated, then there's no way I can be present for a partner.

Even with treatment, being really present can be challenging. And being present for a partner AND being effective and engaged at work ... combining those two is REALLY hard for me.

So give us more on your treatment: meds and the counseling.

Tone

Free to Fly
01-01-17, 02:11 AM
Yes, fairly steady on generic Adderall XR. Have tried several different meds and levels, and this seems to work best. Started up counseling after a couple of years break. I am a self pay, due to contract work, as the Obamacare bill went up, ($1200 monthly 2016, now $1500 monthly 2017) my coverage went down, and I finally got enough ahead I could pay. counseling started in August, and was going well, lady is ADD and I wanted the female perspective, which I have not had before. We even did a couples session, which went well.

However, as job pressure and time commitments built, I let the gains slip away. I resisted the change for the good, and fought the return to each other. I am disgusted with myself.

My lady is justifiably prickly about any involvement right now. I truly do not know if we will be together in 2017.

Free to Fly
01-01-17, 02:15 AM
I think some of this could be the all or nothing thinking that I can engage with. Not so much black and white thinking but looking at what has to be done or needs to be done and engaging in said thing- to the point of forgetting or alienating the needs of our loved ones and even ourselves. Its not a healthy thing and I do it too sometimes.
I am also the lady who would be hurt by watching my partner slip into that room- especially if my love was stuck in a loop of ruminating. Its a very lonely place to be- to feel like you cant compete with your partners inner dialogue.

You be telling truth, about what she sees and feels, and I fight it, like an idiot, I argue with the only adult in my life that has any clue about me. I do not acknowledge my feeling well. My counselor is strongly suggesting slow down, use mindfulness. And now I listen....too late

Free to Fly
01-01-17, 02:20 AM
These are tough spots to be in. I have also been told I am severe- whatever weight that has I am not sure. I am married to my soulmate for 21 years and he has adhd too-so you can imagine the wagon circles we have driven around each other over the years. Sometimes we are able to hop on our stallions and gallop off into the sunset together- other times we hop on and gallop in different directions. Sometimes our horses graze together while we get stuck in our reveries. (dumb metaphors I know). I would love to say these things were easy to overcome. But even with soul mates there is always work.

It wasnt easy in the beginning, we met when I was 18. Lots of change. We had to learn how to grow up together and understand this adulting thing together.( I am still not an adult and proud of it!)

I feel that as long as you can pull youself away from that abyss of internalization, self seeking, egocentric type of single minded thinking- all is never lost. Its about restructuring. You can always restructure- or add to the foundation of a growing building. Once that building is built though- you cant change the foundation-it is what it is.

The good news is you are 3/4 of the way there- and all is never lost. If you didnt love her in whole you wouldnt even have posted this. Ask her if she has suffered too much wear and tear and see what her answer is. I bet she is perfectly willing to keep growing. Make small tiny changes- even something as small as setting your alarm each day and a reminder to ask her how she is doing and give her 10 devoted fully engaged minutes. It can change everything.

again, sorry for the verbosity. I get carried away about love sometimes.

Wise lady you are. We had finally managed to gather our horses together, and were riding into the sunset with each other.....and the wonderful time is what I pushed away. We were kids together too, and now adults......we were getting back to being silly together, which I love, and I let it go. Thank you for commenting, I am listening.

sarahsweets
01-01-17, 10:09 AM
You be telling truth, about what she sees and feels, and I fight it, like an idiot, I argue with the only adult in my life that has any clue about me. I do not acknowledge my feeling well. My counselor is strongly suggesting slow down, use mindfulness. And now I listen....too late

Is it really too late?

Free to Fly
01-01-17, 07:36 PM
Is it really too late?

I hope and pray it is not too late. We are spending some time together later today, I am going in medicated and positive.

Free to Fly
01-02-17, 02:55 AM
Not a good discussion. I did some pretty stupid stuff over the past couple of months, not able to get past that. Words are not my friend. My RSD kicks in and I spiral down at a high rate of speed. Will try again tomorrow.

sarahsweets
01-02-17, 09:04 AM
Not a good discussion. I did some pretty stupid stuff over the past couple of months, not able to get past that. Words are not my friend. My RSD kicks in and I spiral down at a high rate of speed. Will try again tomorrow.

I hope you can talk about your relationship without having to relive or "pay" for past mistakes, even if they were only a couple of months ago. Make your amends, mean them and focus on the present. I can tell you with experience, that reliving the past, and focusing on it, regardless of intent never helps the present. It eats away at the offender and is a reminder to the offendee of the hurt it caused. How many times in your life as guilt, shame or regret been helpful? If you are like me then the answer is zero. Its not a pass to act like an as*hole tomorrow and apologize like it was nothing the next day- thats sort of perverting the way we look at mistakes and amends. But it means that your intent counts alot and making sure you apologize for the hurt and explain the intent is how you can move on.

I feel like your love knows you have no ill intent right? She doesnt think you spend time plotting how to say the wrong things and make mistakes right?
You can only work on doing the next good thing. So it didnt feel right this time, but make a next time and make its soon and try again.
Love fails for real when there is no more effort being made.

dvdnvwls
01-02-17, 05:32 PM
If the "stupid stuff" included actions that she believes show real disrespect toward her, then it takes significant time to repair that rift, if it gets repaired.

If she believes your actions were disrespectful but you believe they weren't, that's a hard conversation to have, requiring great sensitivity and open mindedness from both of you at the same time.

Free to Fly
01-04-17, 12:50 AM
I hope you can talk about your relationship without having to relive or "pay" for past mistakes, even if they were only a couple of months ago. Make your amends, mean them and focus on the present. I can tell you with experience, that reliving the past, and focusing on it, regardless of intent never helps the present. It eats away at the offender and is a reminder to the offendee of the hurt it caused. How many times in your life as guilt, shame or regret been helpful? If you are like me then the answer is zero. Its not a pass to act like an as*hole tomorrow and apologize like it was nothing the next day- thats sort of perverting the way we look at mistakes and amends. But it means that your intent counts alot and making sure you apologize for the hurt and explain the intent is how you can move on.

I feel like your love knows you have no ill intent right? She doesnt think you spend time plotting how to say the wrong things and make mistakes right?
You can only work on doing the next good thing. So it didnt feel right this time, but make a next time and make its soon and try again.
Love fails for real when there is no more effort being made.

Well said and true, intent she is aware is not the issue, execution fail is the problem. Thank you for such well thought out and wise 'been there done that words'

Free to Fly
01-04-17, 12:51 AM
If the "stupid stuff" included actions that she believes show real disrespect toward her, then it takes significant time to repair that rift, if it gets repaired.

If she believes your actions were disrespectful but you believe they weren't, that's a hard conversation to have, requiring great sensitivity and open mindedness from both of you at the same time.

I was out of line a long ways, and fully aware indefensible

Free to Fly
01-05-17, 11:08 PM
Making progress......much thanks to Ms. Sarah......"find one thing each day" and of course Ian. I appreciate the reference to the 5 love languages. I have the book, but was not remembering the lessons. Also counselor has been so kind to email with me.

Making little steps, she is being restored to a better place, and we are working on it together.

Free to Fly
01-19-17, 11:33 PM
Don't know, is hard to be the reason why she cries herself to sleep. We get along until the quiet time, then being together is incredibly hard on her.