View Full Version : EX with ADHD broke up with me


exofADHD
01-02-17, 06:59 PM
Hello!
My ex boyfriend of 1,5 years has ADHD. His mother is suicidal. Last year around the same time we kind of broke up, not really, his mother was going really bad and he pushed me away.

A month ago, he broke up with me. His twin brother is not going well, he has cancer and his mother is also going really bad again. He pushed me away again. I went No contact from that on, to respect his boundaries. I still miss him everyday and I want to let him now I will be there for him when he needs someone to talk to. He doesn't have anyone else really. He doesn't talk to his friends about this stuff and his father is no help. I need some stuff back and I just want to say some things to him, when we broke up he told me that he could not meet up now, because he was too busy. I told him to let me know when he could, he hasn't. Is it fair to message him about it soon, because next week we will be in the same city and he could give my stuff back? I have a hard time dealing with it. I miss him ofcourse, but I am also really worried about him. Lately, he has been taking a lot of drugs, weed, xtc, mushrooms, I think to keep his mind of everything and to be able to escape. How can I help him? I feel that reaching out will only make him shut me out more.

Please give me some perspective from an ADHD side.

Pilgrim
01-03-17, 05:16 AM
Your angle of approach will be spot on, and put 0 (zero) pressure on.
I guess you shut yourself away because it's easier to deal with everything.

sarahsweets
01-03-17, 06:34 AM
I still miss him everyday and I want to let him now I will be there for him when he needs someone to talk to. He doesn't have anyone else really.
Thats nice of you to want to tell him you are there for him but he is not interested. He broke up with you for whatever reason.

He doesn't talk to his friends about this stuff and his father is no help. I need some stuff back and I just want to say some things to him, when we broke up he told me that he could not meet up now, because he was too busy.
Too busy sounds like a cop out but he does still have your stuff so I get it that you want to get it back.

I told him to let me know when he could, he hasn't. Is it fair to message him about it soon, because next week we will be in the same city and he could give my stuff back? I have a hard time dealing with it. I miss him ofcourse, but I am also really worried about him. Lately, he has been taking a lot of drugs, weed, xtc, mushrooms, I think to keep his mind of everything and to be able to escape. How can I help him? I feel that reaching out will only make him shut me out more.

The bottome line is you need your stuff back. You should not use the stuff as a way to talk to him about anything. You just want your stuff. Its not your job to worry about what substances he is using or why. I dont think you can help him because as you said, he already shut you out.

Please give me some perspective from an ADHD side.

I am not sure this has that much to do with adhd. Its sounds like he has a lot going on an the adhd is taking a back seat to his mom and brother being ill. As much as you want to be there for him you will only be hurting yourself if you get involved.

exofADHD
01-03-17, 12:20 PM
Your angle of approach will be spot on, and put 0 (zero) pressure on.
I guess you shut yourself away because it's easier to deal with everything.

So you think messaging him this week, just about the stuff is a good way of handling? I just want to message him like. Hey! When can I pick up my stuff?

exofADHD
01-03-17, 12:21 PM
Thats nice of you to want to tell him you are there for him but he is not interested. He broke up with you for whatever reason.


Too busy sounds like a cop out but he does still have your stuff so I get it that you want to get it back.


The bottome line is you need your stuff back. You should not use the stuff as a way to talk to him about anything. You just want your stuff. Its not your job to worry about what substances he is using or why. I dont think you can help him because as you said, he already shut you out.



I am not sure this has that much to do with adhd. Its sounds like he has a lot going on an the adhd is taking a back seat to his mom and brother being ill. As much as you want to be there for him you will only be hurting yourself if you get involved.

I have to accept that yes. It is just really hard for me to not worry about someone when you care so much about that person. Do you think it will be a good approach just to send him a message: Hey! When can I get my stuff back? and maybe suggest a date when I am available

ToneTone
01-03-17, 07:23 PM
Yes, it is hard to stop worrying about people we invest in and love. But really, you want to invest your energy in somebody who comes TOWARDS you, not who runs away.

And do not assume that the pain and illness in his family is what is causing him to retreat. We all experience pain and illness in our families at some point. And in good relationships, we don't distance ourselves from our supportive partners. Instead, we invite our partners in to help us. I used to use reasons like this to distance myself from partners I was ambivalent about ... and then fair play ... later on, I dated ambivalent people who distanced themselves from me at the first sign of a family crisis.

And yes, you have every right to get your stuff. If you want to make things easier for you and for him, ask a friend to join you in picking up your stuff and tell your ex you will be bringing your friend (a third party) along. The presence of a third party tends to make things for formal and sane.

Absolutely do not back down on this. You will not be helping him if you do.

Tone