I just found this community and I'm glad I did. I was hoping to get some support and advice on my current situation. Here's my long, sad tale:

I'm 47, married, and have two kids. About six months ago, I got myself tested after seeing one of those commercials about Strattera. As they listed symptoms, I said, "Yep, that's me alright!" Anyway, I was diagnosed with classic ADD/ADHD and my psychiatist started me on Wellbutrin for a while. When that didn't work very well, he added Strattera. I've been on those for a couple of months, and things aren't much better. I think I'll see if I can try Adderal when I see the doctor in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, to get right to the heart of the matter, over the years that my wife and I have been married, I have basically driven her up the wall with my various ADD-influenced behaviors. I've regularly screwed up paying the bills, resulting in many late fees and some collection calls. To cover my screw-ups, I have sometimes told my wife that bills had been paid, when I was actually just going to do it that day. And then of course, sometimes I forget, and when the collection letter comes in the mail, or someone comes to the door expecting immediate payment, my wife has felt betrayed and felt that I lied to her (it was more lying to myself than intentionally lying to her). My driving has been questionable, resulting in several minor accidents and near misses, and one very bad accident (hit broadside) in which my son narrowly avoided very serious injury. Things get broken, due to my inattentiveness. I've had a low threshold for irritating/annoying things, which has caused me to frequently lose my temper toward the kids. My distactability frequently makes listening to my wife difficult, and she has felt that I don't value what she has to say. And she has a similar reaction when my impulsivity has resulted in me interupting her. (Impulsivity has also caused me to blurt out inappropriate things, resulting in problems at work, school, and socially.) And of course, there's the procrastination. Projects/chores are often started, but never completed. All of this has resulted in many bad situations that my wife has been left to clean up.

Anyway, things came to a head this weekend, and my wife told me that she just can't live with me anymore, and one of us had to move out. I was the obvious choice. The problem is - where do I go from here? I think she would take me back if I can somehow demonstrate that I've got a fairly good handle on my problem behaviors. (I realized (too late) that I should have been putting in much more effort to understand my ADD, and to work on strategies to solve some of my problems). So obviously, that's a high priority. However, I don't know how much progress I can make until I get a medication that works for me. I've got Dr. Amen's book (which I haven't read much), and have the new book by Dr. Hallowell on CD (which I've listened to half of). I'm committed to finding strategies that work and practicing them. I'm also getting help from a therapist, whom I'm seeing every 1-2 weeks (although he doesn't yet know about all this).

The next part of this is the logistic and financial aspect of this situation. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, and so my paycheck has to cover all our expenses. Our budget has been pretty tight lately, between the mortgage and the usual day-to-day expenses. I don't want to have to sell the house (especially since I'm hoping for a reconciliation), but I don't know how to pay for another place to live. I'm currently using my office as a home, but that can't go on very long, I expect. I don't have family around here, and don't feel like I have anyone else that I could ask for a temporary place to stay. I don't know whether to try and find another job, or what.

And last but certainly not least is the affect all this is having on the kids. They are both very upset and worried, although they also didn't like the fights and yelling between my wife and I (usually her yelling about something I screwed up). My daughter has had a few ailments which appear to be more a matter of stress. I think she is privately mad at me, although she hasn't said anything like that. My son is just confused, and is just trying to wrap his brain around things and puzzle out a solution to this mess.

So anyway, can any of you help me with any of this? I just can't think straight right now in the midst of all of this.

Wow what a painful situation.

There are likely no quick fixes going to help you in the long run.

One thing that stuck out for me as I read this was you comment about medication and whether it there was much to be done if you didn't have meds.

I take meds but they don't account for the majority of the gains I've made. I've learnt many strategies to manage my anger, nurture my children, be considerate of my wife's needs and none of those came from the pharmacy.

There are many more things I've done too but mostly I think what I'd want to tell you is that there is a whole world of things you can do to better affect the situation. First and foremost I suppose is your willingness to admit your part in the troubles. Next will be to seek some help and assistance in putting together a plan for how you are going to change some of the things you have control over.

It's a long road but it pays the sweetest dividends.
Please keep us posted.
Welcome to the forums.
Ian

You are not alone,
if that is any comfort at all.
Not many of us are spared pain, struggle.
Your struggles are real
and they belong to you. They are
painful.
When I found out about my ADD a couple
of months ago, I had some of the same
feelings of guilt over my past mistakes.

It felt like much of my life had been in vain.

Now I am learning to forgive myself.
I am learning to think differently.
I am learning to swallow pride and try to
correct some of my screw ups.
I hope you can do that for yourself.

I am not one to give up, and I don't walk away. I've found that
burning bridges and giving ultimatums are never
good answers.

This is what I would wish for you.
That you find some alone time with your wife without the children
and that you can move forward to explore the possibilities there are
for the two of you in managing your ADD and salvaging some of your past.
I hope you can get past some of your anger and guilt.

I wish you my best and I'm glad you are here.




~gourmet~

Wow what a painful situation.

There are likely no quick fixes going to help you in the long run.

One thing that stuck out for me as I read this was you comment about medication and whether it there was much to be done if you didn't have meds.

I take meds but they don't account for the majority of the gains I've made. I've learnt many strategies to manage my anger, nurture my children, be considerate of my wife's needs and none of those came from the pharmacy.

This sounds pretty familiar. For me, the meds were basically what enabled me to make the changes I needed to make. When I had to go off them for a while, some things stuck, and others didn't. I have to agree that the answer doesn't come in a bottle, but that little blue capsule or that little white pill can certainly help you find it.

Well at least you can admit to what the problems are and your not trying to blame someone else

Recognition is the key in my mind

here is some good reading for you and you decide where you are at

The start of the thread

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1857&highlight=stages

An artical posted by smooch (this is what I am trying to show you )

http://www.addresources.org/newsletter_sample.php#journey

By the way

You have mentioned many same characteristics that I had

Untill I was started on Dexadrine

I had a noticible difference within 15 minutes of taking my first pill

I still have all the same characteristics , but now I have learned to recognise them , and deal with them in many different ways

ie: paying bills -- I hand my entire paycheck to my wife and she pays them

Well Flash you could almost be writing my life down. This is my first post so bare with me.

I was diagnosed almost a year ago (42 years old now) and now know I have had ADD since childhood and I am going through similar probs.

My advice would be this.

Get Hallowells Book "Driven to Distraction", to me it's better suited than a CD because you can pick and choose what to read and it still will be helpful, better suited to an ADD'r. You may want to consider other books also, I have a few and I am currently reading "Out of the Fog" sorry I don't have the author handy, but knowledge of your ADD is your power it will help you more easily recognize what you are experiencing and hopefully deal with "ticks" before they become a problem again.

Very Important!! Get a hold of your finances. Time to gather all your bills up and figure out where you are and make a plan to get into control. Financial problems are a huge source of stress and an excellent trigger for and ADD rampage. Also, let your wife know exactly what's going on. Secrets are a killer, ADD or no ADD.

Get your Meds. I agree with exeter, Meds will help you focus (the right ones anyway). Personally I am on 20 mg of adderall, started at 5 mgs and worked up and on Wellbutrin. One thing to realize, it may take several months to find the Meds that work for you. Wellbutrin may be a good thing to consider staying on if you feel you are dealing with depression also(my situation). Talk to your doctor.

Go to your counsler as often as you can afford, money may be tight but this is your future you are trying to preserve. Also make sure your counsler is working for you. I had to try 3 until I found one that I could work with. Have been my counsler for over 6 months now. The second one almost ruined me. Don't be afraid to switch.

Stress management is a big deal, for me anyway. Under stress it is much easier to make those inappropriate comments.

Consider Meditation. It's not an easy thing to do, especailly in this runaway world, but blocking out stimulation, visual, audio and mental may do more for you than you know.

When it comes to projects/chores. I suggest getting lined post-it notes, 4 x 6 and make some lists. First list some chores you can get done in a short time. Stick that list on the refrig, and when you complete a chore, check it off. May sound juvenille, but it still gives a sense of accomplishment to see the chores get completed. Both for you and your wife. List some other things you want to get done and work on them, just keep the list in your face to remind you rather than having your wife on your back. I personally live and die by the list.

One of the hardest things you will have to deal with is educating your wife. She really doesn't care (right now anyway) that you have a disorder and you are suffering it's affects because she has been suffering it's affects for the last "umpteen" years. You will have to do all the work by yourself for now. Hopefully you will receive advice from this forum or from your doctors or someone else that will help you get a hold of the runaway train that is your (mine too) life and you will work hard to make changes and learn new skills to cope with your ADD. And hopefully when you put your knowledge to use your wife will realize how hard you are trying and how how much you really do care and the healing can start. It's not going to be easy but hopefully the healing can start.


Just a few words of advice, I hope for the best for you.

Flash, seems your in the right place. I also was 46 -47 when I was dignosed. Prity much in the same situation. I have been on Strattra for 5.5 years now and it changed my life. I takes a while to get setteled into the right dosage but once found it worked great for me. I still have a few small side effects but I can live with them. It enables me to focus and stop and think befor I speek.
>You will need to find a good doctor who has knowledge of this medicen who will work with you. If you would liike to talk about this more PM me.

Mastercylinder: Thanks for your words of wisdom, especially finances. I have come close to losing it all, business, and girlfriend. A lot of the rage was due to money, but it still hurst the ones you love. The Strattera seems to be slowly kicking in it has been close to 3 weeks now. Being older than you I wondered why it took so long to diagnose. I work for myself because of the respect for authority and chain of command issues, so when I slowly lost it all no one seemed to notice. I hope that the meds will bring some normalcy to my life and help me to stay on a good course. Good luck to all newbies.....rustyvan

Follow up to my own post

The advice given was directed to a specific situation such as Flash has. He is in crisis mode and was looking for some quick help so I thought I would chime in.

For rustyvan and any other Newbie's like myself there are alot of people on these forums who have been dealing with post diagnosis ADD much longer than myself and have created through these forums a wealth of information and have made themselves available to help whenever they can. Please make sure to make use of them.

First of all, thanks to all of you who responded. I had a feeling this would be a good place to get some support and some good advice, and I was right.

Here's an update. Although I'm still persona non grata at my (former) house, the level of tension seems to be lifting somewhat. My wife has offered to come with me to the next appointment with my therapist (Wednesday), in an effort to help me stick with seeing him regularly. This is progress, because about a month ago when I asked her to come once, she refused, saying that she didn't want to hear from my therapist how my problem behaviors were all due to ADHD and weren't my fault. Now while I expect it to be somewhat painful for me, at least it should be educational for her. She told me not too long ago that she understood ADHD (and she does at a certain level). But there are definitely things she doesn't understand. One of the biggest problems for her occurs when she's trying to talk to me about something I've done. As the stress of the situation rises, I just shut down. She thinks that it's a conscious choice on my part - that it's a passive/aggressive response. This only serves to anger her more, which of course causes me to withdraw more - a nasty cycle. (The fact that this hasn't improved at all is one of things that leads me to believe that the Strattera isn't doing anything.) Beyond that, she also confirmed for me that the biggest reason we're in this situation is because I was aware of my condition, but I wasn't doing much to get educated and make changes. She figured that I probably wouldn't make any progress until I hit rock-bottom (which probably happened at the time of my first post here). And she couldn't let things continue as they had, because she couldn't hold her temper anymore, and the resulting yelling upset the kids too much. Hopefully, she'll notice my efforts to improve and stick with it this time, and she'll consider having me come back.

Ian, I understand what you said about how the medicine can't do it all for me. I just don't think I can succeed very well with coping strategies unless I can get some clarity. And the right medication can hopefully provide that and serve as a kind of catalyst for the needed changes, along the lines of what exeter said. I managed to get my psychiatrist appointment moved up to this coming Thursday, so hopefully I can switch from Strattera to one of the simulant-based medications. BTW, does anyone know whether you need to taper off from Strattera? I hope not.

Garry, thanks for the links. There's quite a number of good articles at that ADD resources site.

mastercylinder, thanks for your advice. I just picked up the Hallowell book from the library today, mainly because while listening to the CDs, there have been things I've wanted to refer back to, but can't. I also have a copy of that Out of the Fog book - I like the way it's structured and it seems to have some good strategies. As far as my therapist is concerned, I think I lucked out and got a good one. He's also ADHD, so his advice comes from firsthand experience. My wife has been trying to get our finances in order this past week, and told me it's a good thing I'm not around, because every time she finds an unpaid bill or looks back at previous bills and sees all the late charges, she wants to throttle me. I think she's managed to pay everything off, and she's made a budget for the next few months. As far as meditation is concerned, it's something I've been trying to do for a couple of weeks, after the minister at our church advocated it. The problem I have with it is that it's very difficult to quiet my mind. It seems that as I try to push some thoughts out of my mind, more of them rush in to fill the void. Well, I guess I'll just have to keep at it. I like the idea of having a list of projects/chores put in a prominent place. My usual way of doing this in the past was to write them on little pieces of paper, which I would stuff in my pocket. From there, I would frequently lose one or more of them or just forget to look at them.

Thanks again. I'll try to provide another update in a few days.

Flash, after reading your posts I could help thinking that many wives (both of mine) thrive on trying to change their husbands. So, if your wife is one of those people who has been trying to help you "improve" yourself then she may feel some sense of failure and be more than frustrated to find out that no matter what she would do it wouldn't have helped bc you have ADD.
I know for my type A wife who likes to be in control this is a huge issue. To her it's like trying to shape the shifting sands of the Sahara!
So, how will she feel about going to a therapist who will give an objective third party opinion that definitively states that she can't control the sands of the Sahara?

Remember, the general population knows NOTHING about ADHD and has the opinion that anyone who says they have ADHD is just making excuses for not "puting their nose to the grindstone." You will naturally meet a lot of resistance bc you are in your 40's and the thought process will be: "if you really had ADHD you wouldn't have been able to make it THIS far."

Also, consider this: you wife faced with the prospect of having to sell everything you own (including the house) to make a divorce financially feasible might be enough motivation for her to put more effort into resolving the situation at hand. I'm sure the stress of being married to someone with ADD can make a person think that divorce would be less stressful and life would be better....but the reality is that it is just shifting the stress of the parents onto the kids.
So, you get divorced and your relationship stressers lessen and even disappear...but your kids will end up being stressed out instead. Nasty tradeoff.....

Blah, Blah, Blah....did any of this make sense?

Remember, the general population knows NOTHING about ADHD and has the opinion that anyone who says they have ADHD is just making excuses for not "puting their nose to the grindstone." I remember being accused of this all the way back in high school. People I knew who made straight A's couldn't understand why I couldn't do the same. Now I know it's because the subjects I liked and was good at, I could stay focused (or hyperfocus) on, while the boring or less interesting ones, I would (or could only) do just enough to get by.
You will naturally meet a lot of resistance bc you are in your 40's and the thought process will be: "if you really had ADHD you wouldn't have been able to make it THIS far." I think this is another thing that my wife doesn't completely understand. I believe that I had unconsciously developed strategies that have helped me, and I've worked in a field and had jobs that held my interest. (Apparently, I'm lucky in this regard, considering that it seems many ADDers had trouble keeping jobs.) But I think the added stress of marriage followed by two "difficult" children went beyond my ability to cope. My wife, in one of her angry moments, has said, "When our son was born, you just checked out. It got too hard for you, so you just stopped being a father." (Note: my son had colic, and basically screamed most of the day from 3 months on.) I wish she knew that it wasn't a conscious choice - that I really want to be a good father, but it's just very hard to do on any consistent basis.
Also, consider this: you wife faced with the prospect of having to sell everything you own (including the house) to make a divorce financially feasible might be enough motivation for her to put more effort into resolving the situation at hand. I'm sure the stress of being married to someone with ADD can make a person think that divorce would be less stressful and life would be better....but the reality is that it is just shifting the stress of the parents onto the kids.
So, you get divorced and your relationship stressers lessen and even disappear...but your kids will end up being stressed out instead. Nasty tradeoff..... I think she realizes this, but she's not tipping her hand yet. She wants to make sure that I'm really going to follow though on getting a better handle on things. (And who can blame her, given my track record.) She wants to be sure that I'm going to take on my share of the responsibilities and be accountable for them, instead of just dumping everything on her. And she wants to know that I'm going to be a positive influence in our children's lives, not a negative one as has often been the case in the past.

Flash,

I suggest talking to your Psychaitrist about depression, even mild depression (dysthemia). ADD rarely exists by itself and shares some traits with other problems you may have.

As far as slowing your mind down, I would suggest listing the things most on your mind, figure out if the thoughts exist because you are stressing about them. Figure out if they are being addressed, bills, kids, wife, you, work and so forth. If you know you are addressing them, time to quit stressing. (try, I mean.) There is a point where there is nothing more you can do about them.

A few other Questions/suggestions for you also. How's your diet? Some people have mixed feelings on this but you need to be eating healthy and small meals often. Watch your caffien, sugar and other empty calories. Stress is a slow death. Blood pressure and all that stuff. Get yourself a plan for eating, one less thing for you or your body to stess over. How's sleeping? Talk to your doctor about that. There are some otc medicines to help.

Many ADD'rs do better with structure, a good regimin (sp?). Set things up to occur at the same time, daily, weekly, whatever. Hopefully you can retrain your brain to remember.

Hopefully you are or can come out of panic stage soon.

Hoping for the best.

Can there be that many of us out there in the same boat??!!
I had my wife tell me today that she cant go on with our relationship the way it is. 17 years of 'carrying me'. She likened it to a parent child one.
I can see that completely.
Everyone's recent posts strike such a chord. Especially Flash's description of his behaviours in an argument with his wife. I cant keep up in my head with what's going on so I too shut down.
I've been on Dex for a year now and have come to the realisation that meds are not the answer by themselves. I went to a counsellor for the first time last week and already understand that meds just put the problems in clear focus. I still have to deal with them and 37years of learnt behaviour.
To everyone who has posted here, thank you for taking the time to share your experiences and wisdom.
Cheers,

My wife and I are having the same trouble right now. And when we try to talk, yeah, the shutdown descriptions someone above posted is pretty accurate.

She gets ADHD-- what both helps and complicates our situation is that our five-year-old daughter has pretty severe ADHD, and we were both diagnosed about the same time. So my wife, a definite type A with control issues, found two of the four people in her home as suddenly being people whose brains worked entirely different from her own. And I am not always best at dealing with my daughter since our behaviors tend to set each other off. Which, i hear, is typical.

We were having a rough night the other night. My daughter was bouncing off the walls, I was stressed and shutting down. Our son (who is 2 with all that entails) was feeding off the chaos, and finally my wife just threw up her hands and screamed (sort of laughing as she did) "WHAT DID I DO TO END UP IN ADD LAND?"

I guess that's a good a way of coping as any. I know it's tough on her.

My parents still haven't come to terms with my diagnosis, insisting that it really didn't exist when I was a kid (I'm 32 now), which I guess is true enough.

Hey Flash,

In my own marriage my husband (who is unbelievable organized) does all the bills, planning etc, and I try to take on as much busy work as I can that would take the load off him. We both are contributing where our strengths lie and noone feels like they are getting the brunt of the work. As far as notes. I have been using a strategy that works very well for me and I offer it up as a tool. I have a spiral notebook in which I list everything that I need to do. A separate one for work and home may be appropriate but I am a stay at home mom now so it's all the same. Anyway, I just list it all there. Every moring I highlight the things that absolutely have to get done that day and do not go to bed until they are. The list grows as I add new items and I continue to highlight my "to do list for the day".

I am hoping that as your wife attends sessions with you she will better understand everything you are going through and how much you wish it could be different as well. It's taken a long time for my husband to really understand me but I feel like he's finally got it. (i.e. "don't tell me something important, write it down") One thing I see him doing is sort of pointing out those behaviors in people we know. (Personally, I think he's right 99% of the time).

Truly I think ADD counseling is not about excuses but about understanding and strategies. As you said, you think she's going to be able to see that too.

I wish you all the best and hang in there. You've made it a long way and I think diagnosis and counseling is only the beginning of the journey but what a HUGE step.

Hang in there, I am rooting for you all!

Many women try to fix their husbands and boyfriends. They do this with non-ADD husbands and it causes all kinds of problems. My Ex tried and failed. You can not change another person let alone an ADD person. I had a tumble too. loss job, dear john letter, lost home, lost everything. It's been 2 years now and I've learned so much. You are going to be fine. I would suggest that you try to include your wife in therapy. She needs to get educated as well as you. Take an afternoon or evening and go to your nearest park and have a picnic. Sounds strange but sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. Everything happens for a reason, like it or not.

Many women try to fix their husbands and boyfriends.
The most common mistakes of men and women going into marriage:
Women get married thinking he'll change
Men get married thinking she won't
:D

I was married 10 years before I ever knew about ADD, and my wife had pretty much accepted me as the absent-minded professor (although I'm not an actual professor...). I do what I can, and we hire people to take care of some things for us (taxes & business stuff). We used to have a housekeeper but my wife didn't like it... Imagine preferring to do housework yourself! :faint:

Now that I have started to focus on these things, it's amazing how my wife has accomodated to it. Like yesterday, she reminded me to take out the trash. Then she calls me to remind me to throw out the trash in the kitchen, not the bag of laundry in the laundry area. I realized how sad it is that I actually need that reminder... :o

Now I'm thinking I have a chance to make some real improvements, but my wife says I would be better off not knowing because it's been depressing me (I'm normally a pretty happy person). I'm pretty sure that will only be temporary though.

I got married right out of college. She knew about my ADD and my other issues, self medicating. I thought i was entering into a happy time with a creative and open minded women. Well, I was wrong. We both got jobs in the publishing industry right out of college, she excelled...I quit due to the fact that apparently every move i make in an office situation is the wrong one. So i got a job at a book store and worked on my on writing in the evening. But after a few months my ex started to get on my case about me not making enough money because the little dreamy artistic open minded girl i married needed a new bedroom set. Money is not my thing and I was now being told by the person that i loved that balicly i am a failure because i worked at a booksore. I have a temper and would usually defend myself by letting here know that she had given up on her dream to be a writer because of money and i thought that that was a tradgedy. Then im the dreamer because i was content to have food and a roof over my head so that i could work on my writing. Strike two, then after months of constant put downs and knocks at me being a failure i quit going to my psych and started to self medicate. The worse the insults got the worse my use became. I have no one to blame but myself but i lost control and any feelings of hope or self worth that i may have had, she left me and well that pushed me into the two most terrible years of my life, heroin addiction, I have been clean two years now and am going to meetings and my doc again and am taking my meds. I try not to harbor any resentment about the marrage but sometimes i just hate that money could start a downword sprial in my marrage. I guess a bedroom set was just more important than carring about the person you love. In the end it was my fault because i chose drugs to hide my feelings but i still wonder what ever happened to the beautiful, tallented writer with an open and loving mind that i meet long ago...i wish that woman was still with me.
Pith

atfer reading what you said.

I want to say that , you must think slower , do not think about everything that will happen the next day or the next week.

the question you asked , where do you go from there if you had to leave your home?

why don't you look in the phone book look for a temporary emergency shelter? , maybe is a good start in trying to help yourself.

I think the problem can be something you did wrong in the past , why don't you try finding the problem and fix it?

because if ADD didn't occur to you in the past and you lived fine then why is there a problem now? do you think maybe you can try think again what you did in the past and do the thing you did then before you had ADD?



my opinion , don't really listen to me I am not a doctor.

Reading Flash's posts scares me. I recently lost my fiancee and job days apart due to the crippling nature of my generally lacking self. I hate the way I am, fear the future, am not really interested in living it, because really, I am rather poor in terms of "living" talent and/or ability. I could admit to myself for sometime I had it, but not fully, I thought secretly "I am kind of ****ed up....but I can manage" or "....but not that bad." But it is bad. I took an inventory of my life afterwards. Each small thing that made it onto the list did so because it was a small thing that turned into a mountain and stepped on me, or turned sideways disapeared and slipped out the back door. I am embaressed and ashamed. I am terrible at living, and don't know how to go on. I got by on youth and charm. They are fading and the problems are mounting. It is more real than ever. I feel broken in two and when I read things like this I understand it in a way that strikes my soul. I get how it happened, and am so afraid it will be me, and in a way it already has been. I need help. I don't know how to live, all I can do is dig holes, and tear out hearts. I want to be good. How does this happen? I hate this thing in me. I would rather it be cancer, that way maybe they could just cut it out, kill it with chemicals. Help.

Marrige counsling!!!!! Get her in a room with a Pro. A professional can sit her down and explain WHY you are they way you are, explain what you all will do together to cope and fix it!!

BTW I like Zoloft. Try that too.

I just got the book (driven to distration) 6 days ago and it blew my mind to see that I was not alone that I am very smart.

for 30 or more years (Im 36) I would ask my self what is wrong with me and I have always tried different things to tri and fix myself

after I got this book it hit me I am different.

I am a Mac computer that has been using IBM software

now I know I am a Mac so I am finding out how a Mac works and operates

I know now that I can think about five differnt things at once so I expect it reconize it then I can hyper focus on one thing and get that one thing done

I know that my mind can figure things out not memorize things

I know that in the past I can go from frutration to anger so now I know why that would happen

I also know that I get distrated very easily so I am on guard and expect it

also the best one like the movie X-men(I saw on friday) we are gifted once we learn to use it others should wish they were wired this way,we should tell our bosses to pay us more because we are so much more.

This week has been the most produtive for me and the happiest I have felt since who knows when(since I would not let my self injoy anything,I read that in the book to as that is also one of my programs)

my wife has stayed with me 16 years I dont know how she could put up with me,three kids too ,But I am not giving up here is to a new start but this time i have the directions.

At 40, I recently was diagnosed and started meds just yesterday. My marriage has been in a stressful state for the past few years, probably for many different reasons. Some of these reasons could be traced to my ADD-like habits and my senseless negativity/anxiety, but it's clear to me that these are simply influencers to the more significant problems of not loving her the way that I should. I grew up with parents that argued all the time, so even though I didn't like it, I find it hard not to raise my voice in our home when my stress level gets to a certain point (which has been easier and easier to reach in the past few years). I easily get defensive to my wife's complaints and fire back in retaliation. And worse of all, I let my defensiveness, insecurity, and most of all pride result in withdrawal of outward affection. I love my wife and consider myself eternally devoted to her--but I just don't show it enough.

Yesterday, I was in a tremendously good mood because of how adderall was helping me get done some work that had been extremely daunting (I work in a home office). All day long, I found that comments from my wife that I previously would have reacted negatively to, just kind of bounced off of me and fell to the floor. I thought, "This is really going to help my relationship with my wife". Later that day, I was sitting down with her communicating about some important decisions in a way that we don't do often enough, and she broke into tears about how she doesn't feel loved or appreciated by me. It wasn't about how I'm forgetful. I wasn't about how I am disorganized. It wasn't about how I let the mail pile up or don't finish projects. It was about showing affection. About making her feel loved.

When she expressed feelings like this in the past, I usually became defensive (Well, you don't show me affection either!). But lately, through the process of learning more about myself, my behaviors, ADD, and finally feeling hopeful instead of doomed about myself, I am considering her needs more carefully, more empathically. and I've resolved to working on it more diligently--to be less selfish about my own wants.

I know this isn't everyones' problem, but I'm convinced that a little love goes a long way to overcome challenges in a marriage (even ADD induced ones). I've had Clint Black's song out of my head: "When I said I do, I meant that I will, till the end of all time. As the saying goes, "Love is verb, not just a feeling."

C

hoping for good :-)

Hi Flash,
This is my first post to this site.
Months have gone by since your last post.
Do you have any updates ?

I do hope that your wife has in some way understood how you feel and what is going on in your mind.

Yes - we all need coping strategies - and for the sake of our partners and our responsibilities - we can not let our inability to copy ruin their lives too.

We need to be seeking help well before this happens.

Hopefully there is a bio forum on this site where I can post my story.

My marriage too has been immensely stressful, as my wife has been recovering from mental illness, which she has had for the last 8 years.

Schizophrenia positive. Most of the stress - apart from her symptoms - (once one understands them you can find ways to cope with them), has been with her family initial trying to blame her illness on me (and not admitting to the psychiarists that mental illness ran in their family), but also that she is dyslexic, but that is not all - she is probably trisomy-X (near on 100% match with symptomatic profile).

She is even to this day close to 100% dependent on me, cannot easily look after herself, so in some ways quite child-like in this respect, as I am too in a way.

When she is awake and we are separated - if I'm at work and she is restless - I will get 30 calls in a space of a short period of time - you have to find a way to cope with this or end up having panic attacks (which I have had).

I look after all the bills (had a system - which I need to start again - else I will fall into Flash's trap (again)), and look after the house / apartment / do most of the shopping and cook / prepare most of the meals.

You have to convience yourself that this in enjoyable - I do like being creative, and need to do a lot of exercise to survive. To feel good. Releasing the bodies natural feel good drugs, endorphins, and dorphins.

Of course another way to instantly de-stress is to smile, and hold the smile for a minute - or until your face hurts.

I share all the symptoms of having ADD, and some of the symptoms of ADHD.

My father was a very violent man - who never learn't to control his anger.

Before I got married - I vowed to myself that I would not be like him (in this regard), so brought a book called: "Anger is a choice" (you will find it on http://www.amazon.com). There were a number of coping strategies that I have used ever since reading them, and they work really well.

I am a klinefelter and lived in denial of this condition for the first 20 years (since although I knew I was different, didn't know how), and after diagnosis via a karotype test, lived in denial for another 20 years. In 2001, after rediscovering that I was inventive - and started to research what it mean't to be a klinefelter.

For years I have looked after my wife's condition at the expense of my own. Her psychiatrists on a number of occassions gave up on trying to find a drug regime that would 1st of all stabilise her condition and 2nd actually make a difference in getting her well.

Through monitoring her on a daily basis (in and out of hospital), I discovered a breakthrough medical patent (pending US Patent), made the company I worked for many $$$ (more than you can ever think of), (they still made me redundant - such is life). Her psychiatrists asked me to provide my recommended drug regime for her, so I wrote a research white paper, and gave my recommendations based on her symptomatic profile, which they have followed ever since, (2 years ago), and she has been 1000% better as a result.

I went to a Trisomy-X conference in Sacramento - in March this year, and discovered that there is a high incidence of ADD/ADHD in Klinefelters, and an even higher incidence of ADHD in 47,XYY Syndrome.

While I have not been formally diagnosed with ADD/ADHD (how does one go about doing this - the medical community generally does not have a clue), people I've worked with who have been diagnosed have suggested that I have it too, suggested that I read a book - which I did and would agree that I share the same symptoms.

I have been diagnosed with APD (Auditory Processing Disorder), at a special consult during the Trisomy-X conference with Dr Jay Lucker.