I am hoping some of you can help me with my 15 year old.

Absolutely no motivation.

He stays in another world. He is sensitive, a reader, a musician, and I am sure he is a very laid back kid with ADD.

I have had to "push" him into activities in order to get him to participate.

I have managed to have some success.
He is on the track team for exercise.
He is in the five star choral group at school as a course elective.
I make sure he gets guitar lessons once a week.

He is not shy.
He does not meet a stranger, but is very quiet, greets everyone with a huge smile, dimples, and a twinkle in his eye. I approve of his friends.
He is whimsical and funny....a perfect son as far as I am concerned! :)

Can you help me? He will not study. He will not do his homework, and he refuses to read his assignments.

He is very crafty and manages to hoodwink me into believing he has completed all of his assignments.

Homework grades chip away at his test grades and class averages and he is barely passing in spite of excellent communication between his teachers and myself.
He was in the the gifted and talented programs in elementary school because he is very bright with a high IQ, but now he is an underachiever.


I have tried everything! :(

It's so hard to tell at that age whether it's permanent or just being that age. Regardless I've been powerless to affect any change in the kids at that age. I've been pretty affective in changing how I react to them when they are like that though.

I doubt there is a time in life that's more critical for deeply felt acts of love. I had to forgo those feelings when I was that age because we were all at war by the time I was 15.

I believe that kids that age require more messages that you care than at any other time. Sadly it's a real challenge to get the message across without setting off their alarm bells and getting a face full of abuse for your efforts.

It's truly the art of parenting for me to find ways to reassure my teens that I love them when they are weak, angry, selfish, idiots, or whatever other hard headed rebellion might be going on for them. If I can focus on that positive side of the fence, it all seems to come out well later. It is when I try and push the river to flow to my pace that I get into trouble and find myself in a back water all alone.

I've read often that for every negative statement it takes ten positive comments to get back to par. Sobering yes? If I think about how I learn best, it's in an atmosphere of safety and security where I know I'm liked.

On rough days, liking a teen takes every "adult" bone in my body to dredge up a positive before the negative takes over as default. It's especially challenging for me when the kids have been difficult for a while and then it seems as if all I see is the negative side of things.

I went to a meeting on Tuesday night about dealing with ODD kids. I'll try and post the hand out from that sometime soon. It dovetailed nicely into this type of line of questioning.

Now I'm almost always looking for ways to let go of the things I don't have control over and to change the things I can which more times than not is myself.
Hope this offers some help for you.
Cheers!

Thank you Ian for the reminder that encouragement and understanding are all necessary parts of the acts of love we show. Teens in particular need more than their fair share of love and positive messages. I know I did.

Exasperation can lead to harsh words that don't solve a blessed thing. They just put up walls. The communication between us right now is very good and he can articulate his thoughts and feelings very well. He is just not living up to his promises.

It's kind of cute...when I call him on failing to bring his report card home for the 5th time or when he smarts off he explains "Okay mom, sorry. It's okay, I'm just a stupid teenager. I will try to do better."

Right now I am just anxious that he pass high school and get into college. His education is going to be important if he wants to pursue his goals.
He wants to be a psychologist :D and that is one profession where we all want him to be well educated.:D

Thanks again for the good advice.



~gourmet~

I would actully ask to read the homework and projects, and don't you slack off and skim read them because take it from someone who used to do that skim reading it makes it look like grade A work. Was he motivated before he took meds. (Think about meds if he is not taking em.)

I want to start off with a disclaimer: I am not a parent, but, I do work as a behavior therapist (with children)

The key to changing a behavior is motivation. If nothing is motivating him, he won't change.
Positive reinforcement is always the best way to go.

Ian was very correct in saying that for every negative comment 10 positives should be said. When you're doing positive reinforcement, you are reinforcing the behavior you want to occur more.

Suggestion:
Both of you can sit down and make a behavior modification chart or a token system.
He can list some items that are reinforcing (items he would love to have or things to do, etc).
Everytime he completes an assignment (checked by you) he gets to choose a reinforcer or work his way up to a larger reinforcer (using a token system).
He is 15 - perhaps driving would be a great reinforcer?

Once you have momentum with the homework getting done, you slowly fade out reinforcers.

I do this type of plan everyday with the children I work with, and even with myself to exercise more :)

Is your son diagnosed with ADD? inattentive?
I was confused when you wrote "i'm sure he is a very laid back kid with ADD"

I am inattentive ADD and I am also a musician. Meds have helped me immensely with school - focusing and motivation.
I was diagnosed at 20 years old. I wish I would have been diagnosed earlier. School was such a struggle for me, although I am a smart gal.

At 15, a lot of kids go back and forth on what they want to have a career in. However, if your son is truly interested in being a psychologist, perhaps he could talk to one on what it took to become a psychologist. Perhaps he will realize that this career is worth pursuing and that will be motivating in itself.

Best wishes to you and your son.

thank you livinginchaos.. it is nice to have professional advice.

He has not been diagnosed but has an appt. I have adhd and my husband and my oldest son are inattentive ADD. My two youngest sons show no signs.

My 15 yr old is not interested in driving enough to even look at the handbook. he is half hearted about finding a summer job.

We have tried the token system. We also took his guitars for a while and his stereo and he agreed with his best intentions to do better...he was to earn them back. He did not. After 2 semesters and no progress we gave the music back to him for his "mental health" as the effort was not working. He is so different from my oldest and I did not suspect add because is much more focused around the house and the teachers say he participates.... but still is underachieving. He prefers to sit and read. He reads the same books again instead of bing motivated by the promise of new books.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
"The key to changing a behavior is motivation. If nothing is motivating him, he won't change.
Positive reinforcement is always the best way to go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Motivation is what we are looking for. We have targeted all of his interests and he gets much positive reinforcement and many rewards. Being consistant is hard, but we put out our best efforts. Because of his unique interests we have a lot of leverage as far as his rewards go. He would rather not have the phone, go out, drive, do homework, etc. than to do anything but read all day. We got him some motivational books and videos...and he is totally turned off by them.
Like I said, he is a good child...very good and well meaning. Your suggestions should be helpful....I will make him an appt to speak with a psychologist for inspiration. He is a good firiend and listener and I kow that a career in that field would be a good calling for him. I hope that he might get a prescription that wil help him out.


thanks again to all of you for helping,

~gourmet~

Often it appears even before Kindergarden....the public schools told me that my son absolutely could NOT attend a regular Kindergarden class.....or EVEN special education class unless I went and got him on ADHD medication....but it turned out he was more than just ADHD.....a combination of ADHD and Bi-Polar Disorder, I prefer to think of it as an extra challenge....but not so hard to handle since I too had the same disorders - I believe it gives one more patience overall to deal with it daily. :eek:

Ofcourse, I should have suspected it all......it runs in my family, and I too have ADD and Bi-Polar Disorder. It bothered me alot that my little one was REQUIRED to be on four different meds at age four.....basically because the teachers told me they had OTHER CHILDREN in the classrooms to watch and teach....and it took more than one person "constant" for my son. But, as a single mom with only one child.....I personally did not have any difficulty with him at home.....because I was used to giving him my full attention at all times, and also I think I had a better understanding of how he felt because I too had been through it.

"Overstimulation".....lots of excitement really got him going when it came to a classroom environment....but as it turned out, he has a photographic memory and stunned everyone.

It's a blessing......never doubt the diagnosis for a minute.....it's a good thing. He will be a very successful and movitvated adult because of it,.....creative and also talented....it seems to come with the territory.

Make sure the doc does all the testing possible, amphetamine type drugs can have uncomfortable side effects for some, it just depends. My son started out at age four on a good size dose of Adderall along with an anti-phsychotic...and clodidine to take the edge off the stimulant...and an anti-seizure drug, Tegretol I believe it was called.....it was quite the combination at the time for his age but unfortunatly after about six years on that combination.....he aquired facial ticks, and neck jerks.... jerking his head all the time and blinking his eyes.....and he could not help it. It was caused by the Adderall ....so, they put him on WELLBUTRIN which is an anti-depressent that stimulates the same sort of chemicals in the brain as the Adderall did....and HE IS DOING EVEN BETTER ON WELLBUTRIN....IT'S OFTEN GIVEN TO TREAT ADHD AND WORKS GREAT FOR SOME FOLKS......and my beautiful ten year old is a happy camper too....because he doesn't have anymore of those facial and neck ticks.

I am happy to have him off the amphetamine.....and since he is Bi-Polar as well.....the anti-depressant effect is a wonderful bonus.

He also takes Serequil now.....and that too helps keep him between the lines and even out the mood swings. I myself take Zoloft, Geoden (anti-phsychotic), Ativan and Adderall XR.....and when I take them all and not skip days.....it's a perfect combination for my own needs, but everybody is different....it's a trial and error thing to find the right doses and combinations but it can make all the difference in the world when it's found. I just wish the meds they have available today for ADD were available back in the seventies when I was in school and growing up.....I would not have sat in the hall and in the corner so much for acting up in class. Oh well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.....lol :faint:

There is hope.......and it's not a bad thing, I am proud that my son and I are some of the "gifted" ones....

Good Luck.....and take care.....Welcome to our World!


-Rhonda Radio-

From the sounds of it your son is ADHD inattentive subtype also.

I agree with the above members that you should keep it positive. Rewards...compromises...deals...working on his guilt...heaps of praise for any success....do whatever it takes.

From experience, I would also say that he needs to know that for you, that nothing is more important then school. ADHD is a developmental disorder so a number of ADHD kids will get it in gear later in High School but they won't do this if there is little hope of graduating, going to the college of their choice, or even taking the electives in High School that they want.

As Barkley indicates, if he avoids, monitor him even more closely. Find a way to hear from his teachers several times a week. Some teachers are available by phone, others by e-mail. Do whatever form of communication that gets you the best results. To be honest, for some teachers you will have to physically be in the school for them to communicate with you. Find out the teacher's schedule, get the help of the Prinicipal if they avoid you.

Get a planner and sit with him and write out all assignments, block out time, etc. Help him his assignments, scribe for him, read to him, sit with him, do whatever it takes to get him going. Try to do school work at the same time in the same place at home. You should be able to see him while he is working. If he wants to do this independently, let him but watch him like a hawk. If he tells you he doesn't need you watching over him, tell him the proof is in the pudding and if his teachers tell you that he has changed then you will change. If he resists, take away the computer, phone, TV....Unplug them and move them out of the house. Tell him why you are doing this. Once he has a diagnosis explain what ADHD.

The above takes a lot of work but in the school system, the parents who put in loads of time for their ADHD kids are usually the ones who see results.

Finally, understand this disorder like the back of your hand. No better place to start then Barkley's "taking charge of adhd". Here is a link to his on line course. Lots of good info here. -> http://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course003.php

Thank you for your inputs scuro and rhonda.

We are doing many of those things you have suggested, so after his diagnosis I am sure we will be still be on the right track. Good advice.

My oldest had a very rough high school but managed to stay in upper classes. He is a senior in college now and doing very well. So I have a lot of hope and confidence in my 15 year old's future.

Gourmet -

It sounds like you're doing a lot already for your son. What a great parent! I see so many parents who just don't care and let their child get away with this kind of behavior.
Don't be afraid to hold him accountable for his actions.

He sounds a lot like I was pre-ADDerall. I'm happy to hear you're looking into ADD. As I posted earlier - I really wish I would have been diagnosed earlier.

If I had gotten on meds sooner - my grades would have skyrocketed sooner and I wouldn't be in the mess I am now. Having to take classes to get my GPA up so I will be accepted into grad school.

Best wishes! I hope the appt goes well.

Gourmet,

My heart as well goes out to you, I too, have a 15 year old son who is very much like yours, and he is an underacheiver. I have to confess I have been a terrible parent for him, because I happen to be just like him-I am new to these boards so I don't know the exact term for it, but inattentive describes both of us, low energy levels etc...My son just didn't care about anything in school this past year. The teachers kept sending notes home that he didn't turn homework in, or that he got a "0" on this or that, and frankly I was just trying to keep up with my full time job, which was too much for me

I homeschooled both my children up until about 3 years ago, so I didn't see this until school, it appears to be an organizational problem which is where my problems lie as well. He read at an early age-3- and had a long attention span and insisted on doing his math in his head-cause he "could", but now he just has no interest at all in school-academics- he brings home D's-

I so wish I could be of more help, maybe I need it too though, You are a great mom who cares so much what happens to and with your son and I hope you get some help, it appears that you are getting some. I know it is hard to watch them struggle when you know they are smarter than this, I know he could probably outsmart a lot of his classmates-he is smart but the book smart-not the street smart type.

Good luck on your journey. You are helping me too,

A mom in IL