I would very much like to hear some of your thoughts on this situation... 2 weeks ago my son was suspended from school... he was at the office for using repeating potty words an older boy had said to him.. he was at the office waiting to see the principal who was dealing with something else.. he eventually got up and told the secretary he is going back to class and can she buzz the intercom when the principal is free - this did not go down well and he was suspended... so he was grounded, privilages taken away, since then he has been doing ok at school, a couple of things here and there.

This week he has been great, the mornings have been going well..... his days have been going well.. we ask him to be polite to all, focus on his work, do not disrupt the class and do not get cards flipped in class..... yesterday he had a great day... all good, he focused, was polite, didn't have cards flipped.. nothing except at lunch.. he called a boy a faggot during recess playing tag..

both boys were spoken to and the conversation went well, it earned him a smile how he handled it...took responsibility, polite and truthful (they were playing tag, my son who is 8 stopped on a TO to tie his shoe this kid tagged him and my son he was on a TO.. this kid called him stupid... my son called him a faggot) ..............................................

I picked up my son and he immediately told me about this ....so I see the book and congratulate him on his good day and speak to him about the name calling..... he was polite thru the conversation and understood he perhaps should of done something different... we get home he is doing his homework without conflict so we can go on a walk, his step dad comes home (which may I add is very good with him and has his best interests at heart but we differ in our "views and expectations" )....so he looks at the book and immediately focus's on the "faggot" issue... speaks to him about it and tells him he has lost his bike (just got back for one day after the suspension) lost his scooter, skateboard, rollerblades, toys, had to do homework and go to bed.......... after a little prompting he sort of mentioned the good stuff but tells him the good stuff is irrelevent when he has a bad day - i agree with this if it is a really really bad day where 3 cards are turned or big trouble, but not for a little playground boys playing issue like this.....

I would like to hear your views... was having everying taken off him too harsh... or was this the right thing to do .....

Thank you ....
N

To me it seems unfair. After all he only reacted to what the other kid said and he took responsibility for it and showed that he understood that it might not have been the most apropriate thing to say.

I think it is unfair as the other kid said the word fist and it is almost human nature to rebuttle that with a nasty word of you own. He did well by telling you guys aswell and you should be less harsh with his punishment. I think it was such a small incident that it hardly even matters but I can't remember what a nice innicont school is like anymore.

It appears to be "unreasonable", but the issue is what to do about it. Presenting a united front, and showing our children that they can't divide and conquer is critical IMHO.

I have lived this situation many times and would encourage you to talk to your husband in private about how you feel he "over-reacted". Hopefully, the two of you can work out a compromise and he will be willing to go to his child and acknowledge that he was "a bit extreme".

It is an issue that you and your husband need to clarify. I, too, had to talk to mine about how I felt completely "run over" as a parent when he came home and started tossing out rules, punishments, etc. irregardless of what our day had been like. I had to really pound into him, too, that his perspective of "our day" was often wrong.

It is important that our partners realize that any punishment (consequences) that they toss out, WE have to enforce! They don't. We had a few "intense" discussions about this. For example, hubby would say "that's it! No TV for a month!" My response to this was..."thanks a lot. You go off to work and I have to fight with him every day for a MONTH! I don't think so, so re-think it and get back to him".

Parenting is tricky. I have also had to enforce things that I didn't agree with simply to maintain the "team", but you can believe that we had major discussions about it before, during, and after. Overall, we came up with some good solutions. Sometimes we did it "my" way, and sometimes "his", but I think our kids learned from all of it.

Kim

I have been on both sides of the fence in regard to this one.

My adhd 12 year old son has called kids names and has also been called names.

He gets suspended several times a year. It's usually due to his responding to someone elses verbal comments. He cannot just let it go. He has to "one up" them.

If someone calls him a name, he feels it mandatory that he responds. He told me if he doesn't and just ignores it, they call him a woos. It's one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations. Like he can't win.

I can see where he is coming from. I agree that it's very hard to ignore someone. I try to drill it in him that it's not worth getting suspended over.

I hate namecalling, no matter what the name is. But I also realize that kids will be kids. I tell my son that kids call other kids names when they are jealous of them. They want to cut them down so that they look better themselves.

If he gets suspended or sent to the office and talked, that is usually enough punishment for him. He feels so bad already because he sincerely is sorry that he did it. He knows he shouldn't have. He knows that he disappointed his mom and dad, along with his teachers. Whether it's being counselled, or an inschool or out of school suspension, he knows that he really messed up.

Even when properly medicated, he is by no means perfect. I always tell him that I do not expect him to be perfect. If he was, he'd be God.

If my son was good at school for 6 hours and then in the last class he messed up, I would concentrate on the 6 hours that he was good and tell him to try harder next time. His teachers do that also.

In the last month of school, he pulled the cover off the fire alarm. He immediately told the teacher and principal that he did it. They talked to him briefly and told him that on the next day, they would let him know his punishment, which was usually an immediate suspension. He sincerely was sorry for doing it. (He had not gotten his medicine on time that day as the nurse was not there.) Anyway, that night I made him write a page and a half on why he shouldn't have done that (in hopes that his punishment would be less severe.) It was. The principal said that the note and his sincere apology was enough. I did not hang him on the cross, nor did they. She reiterated to both my son and I how well he has been doing and how mature he is getting. She did not dwell on the fire alarm issue.

An add/adhd kid usually has such low self esteem anyway. The last thing they need is to be pushed down even further, especially by their family. They have enough challenges at school and coming home should be something they want to do. Not something they dread.

Again, this is how my son and my family are. Every family is different and every situation is different.

On the other side of the fence, I have zero tollerance for any gay slams whatsoever.

I am a big gay advocate, as my little brother is gay. (He isn't such a little brother anymore. He's over 30 now.) He is an advisor for a youth organization called Growing American Youth (GAY). The statistics for gay or questioning kids committing suicide is off the charts.

I have several posts relating to other kids calling my son names such as "gay", a "fag" or "faggot". He is obsessed about the way he looks and about how people perceive him. One of the threads is entitled "Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones...The Saga from last 24 hours".

If a kid teases another kid with terminology around being gay, the kid should be enlightened as to how this makes the other person feel. It doesn't matter whether they are gay or not. They need to know that this hurts their feelings.

Plus, in our incidents, other kids overheard this name calling and "presumed" my son was gay. That is how rumors get started.

So, this being said....I would suggest the following:

Have zero tollerance for name calling. Period.

Ask your son how he would feel if someone called him a faggot or some other name.

Explain that other kids may overhear this and start rumors, which are very hurtful.

Make sure that nobody (especially the adults) in your family say words that slam gays, or different races or ethnicities. This is very hard to do.

Kids hear so much and repeat it. Whether they overhear a joke, or a phone conversation or what you called that crazy driver that just cut you off at the intersection.

They are sponges that absorb everything, especially add/adhd kids.

I probably didn't answer your punishment question as this is definitely something that you and your husband should work out. I can see where your husband is coming from and I can see where you are coming from.

Hope this helps....

Those suspension seem a bit harsh. How old is your son? I'm sure name calling and "potty words" are the norm in elementary school, and I can't imagine that every time a kids says something like that they get suspended. Heck, there wouldn't be any kids in our school! Anyway, maybe next time there's a problem, tell them to call you and you'll sit in on class. Maybe that will help if you're there to discipline him, and make him realize what's acceptable and what's not. Sounds like he's a reasonable kid. You're lucky. It would be a shame for him to get the idea that he's a bad kid for something that's pretty insignificant.

Usually when my son gets suspended, it is due to "issues" that escalated from what "started out" as name calling or teasing.

If some kid called him a name, he would then call the kid a name and it went back and forth throughout class until someone usually gets pushed or something. Or it carries over into the hallway or even the following day.

My son has never been in a knock down drag out fight but has gotten pushed or kicked and vice versa. On several occasions, it involves both my son and another special education kid. My immediate question is "Does he go to the nurses with you for medicine?"