View Full Version : How to tell someone they've out stayed their welcome?


Fuzzy12
01-09-17, 07:46 PM
They've stayed with us for almost 4 months now (with a few weeks off here and there). We've had almost continuously someone staying with us for the last 6 months. I don't even know how to start the topic but I know I need to. I'm getting angry and feeling guilty at the same time.

I had told them just 2 more weeks, that became a month, then another week and now they still haven't booked their tickets.

I love them to bits but hubby is going into depression and I am going crazy.

I'm just so scared to hurt them. And what if one of them dies before I see them again. I don't want them to think I don't care for them.

How do start thr conversation ?

ginniebean
01-09-17, 07:48 PM
offer to help them book their tickets. One of the problems of people pleasers is always wanting no conflict and everything to be nice. it only works if others are cooperative. Sometimea there is no way to say something nicely. Just be kind

ToneTone
01-09-17, 08:39 PM
First of all, remember you OWE them this talk .. this talk will be in THEIR best interest ...because the person is not acting in a mature way ... and they know it deep down ... they know they have gone beyond what you offered. Of course, this is putting you in a parent role, which is also unfair to you.

Just say it ... there is no "easy" way ... And the person needs to hear it ... Look, I invited you here because of X reason. In my mind, we had an agreement you would say Y length of time. Well, I'm wondering what your plans are for relocating. ... and you can add because we can't continue to host you. That's not what we agreed to, and I don't think it's helpful for you either.

Then repeat ... Don't explain ... don't get lost in detail ... Just repeat ... And really you want to give a deadline. I can give you three weeks, but I need you to find a place ... I can't continue to host you.

We had a moment like this a few months back ... when a friend of my landlord (I live in a shared house) visited for what supposedly was to be two days. The friend stayed three weeks and then decided to move in and my landlord agreed.

The friend went out of town to get his stuff ... and then returned. Well on move-in day, the friend was clearly manic, throwing away household items, saying he could fly ... It was frightening. My landlord, who was the guy's friend, finally gathered us on the porch and he just had to tell his friend that the friend wasn't acting reasonably or rationally ... and that he couldn't allow the friend to stay ... and he asked the friend if he was willing to go get help ...

Long story short: we guessed that the friend had bipolar but had gone off his medication ... So my landlord called local crisis officials ... and ended up taking out a commitment order ... and the police came at 2 in the morning and got the friend to go to the emergency psychiatric unit of a hospital nearby.

Bottom line: there was no other path other than awkwardness. "You are not acting well." We had guessed that the friend had gone off his meds before he moved in with us ... and we were right. A few weeks after this episode, the friend called my landlord to say he was back on meds and he apologized.

Anyway, sometimes there is not un-awkward way to have a talk. But the awkwardness is OK ... because frankly, there is something going on with your friend and you aren't really helping him or your friendship to allow him to stay far past his welcome.

If you lose him as a friend, then he was an iffy friend to begin with. So however awkward, just remind yourself that you are doing the right thing for you, your family and ultimately (even if he doesn't immediately appreciate it) for your friend.

Good luck. Life's challenges.

Tone

john2100
01-09-17, 09:35 PM
Tell them you are going on a vacation in one week for a week or two.
(or time it to the day you want them out)

They obviously can't stay in if you are gone .

Even if they don't believe you , it does;t matter, they know they are out in one week , because you will be too.

Plan your "vacation" for Saturday morning,,,,start packing if you have to ,,,,,

This way, there is no conflict,,

Depending on the relationship, with them ,,


Fake deadlines ,,,don't work,,,,sound so familiar for us ADHD people,,,obviously doesn't work for them either..
So just make a real one! that will get them going.....

If they ever find out about you not going on vacation , just tell them,,,someone got flu,stomach virus whatever.


If vacation little lie doesn't work ,,,then a family emergency or something work related that requires travel and you are taking your family too because of whatever.

finallyfound10
01-10-17, 12:21 AM
I would be like you in this situation so this is another thread that I'll be following to see how to handle it.

Fuzzy12
01-10-17, 02:18 AM
offer to help them book their tickets. One of the problems of people pleasers is always wanting no conflict and everything to be nice. it only works if others are cooperative. Sometimea there is no way to say something nicely. Just be kind

Yes, that's a good idea. I think I might start it rhat way. Well I guess I'll start with asking them when they are planning to leave.

It's just so freaking difficult to have a conversation with them. My dad goes off on a million tangents or just brushes me off by saying what HE needs. Of he gets offended. I'm scared he'll say thst he will never visit again if we don't want him. He akways does that when anyone does anything he doesn't like. Mostly with my sister though.

Fuzzy12
01-10-17, 02:35 AM
Tell them you are going on a vacation in one week for a week or two.
(or time it to the day you want them out)

They obviously can't stay in if you are gone .

Even if they don't believe you , it does;t matter, they know they are out in one week , because you will be too.

Plan your "vacation" for Saturday morning,,,,start packing if you have to ,,,,,

This way, there is no conflict,,

Depending on the relationship, with them ,,


Fake deadlines ,,,don't work,,,,sound so familiar for us ADHD people,,,obviously doesn't work for them either..
So just make a real one! that will get them going.....

If they ever find out about you not going on vacation , just tell them,,,someone got flu,stomach virus whatever.


If vacation little lie doesn't work ,,,then a family emergency or something work related that requires travel and you are taking your family too because of whatever.
John it is my family...:lol:

My parents.

So I can't make up anything. They know we arent going anywhere. .

john2100
01-10-17, 10:24 AM
John it is my family...

My parents.

So I can't make up anything. They know we arent going anywhere. .



Why are they staying with you?
Are they lonely? Or other circumstances?


You have only 2 choices regardless:

1. Tell them the truth, which I wouldn' t recommend. No matter what kind of excuses you use, no matter what you say, they will be hurt. No amount of rationalization, from your side will make this OK from your parent's view.


2. Make them leave due to circumstances that you create.
-Without any detail's I can;t give you a specific advice but some are:

-I decided to rent your room to a college student.We could use the extra $
(if you have enough money ,then tell them he is a friend of a friend and you wanna help him)

-Remodeling or repair , so you are moving to a hotel for a while

-Take them on a trip , far away and just leave them there, by mistake of course.
do it 3-5 times at every rest stop,that will send a message.
(just kidding)

Even if they don;t believe you ,,regarding your fake vacation . It doesn't matter.
At least they will see that you are a considered person who doesn't wanna hurt them.

Just throw it out there, see how they react,

Fuzzy12
01-10-17, 11:43 AM
Haha:D

I sort of got lucky. A good opprtuniry presented itself today to ask my dad about his plans and he said they are planning to leave next week.

peripatetic
01-10-17, 12:50 PM
Haha:D

I sort of got lucky. A good opprtuniry presented itself today to ask my dad about his plans and he said they are planning to leave next week.

i would try to reinforce this, somehow, fuzzy. line up whatever additional care you need for fuzzling, ask for their specific leave date, line up the car...whatever gets something on the calendar so it's less amorphous. "next week", i'm guessing here, can easily slide into every week being next week, you know?

john2100
01-10-17, 01:14 PM
I sort of got lucky. A good opportunity presented itself today to ask my dad about his plans and he said they are planning to leave next week


I've been planning to organize my garage for 2yrs.
Still planning,getting there....I'ts still scheduled for to next week.

Why are they staying anyway for such long time ?
What are you gonna do if it happens again in a month?

dvdnvwls
01-10-17, 04:25 PM
It's likely that your parents have ADHD or other things.

It's also very obvious that your parents normally ignore your needs and make decisions that help no one.

Next week is probably fine, but as others have said, you will have to "police" that yourself; they're very likely to ignore it as they have in the past.

You've conditioned yourself since childhood to continue trusting them even when they prove over and over again that they can't be trusted. Don't suddenly be hostile to them because that won't help, but the core of the matter is that you need to stop trusting your parents and start policing them.

acdc01
01-10-17, 04:38 PM
They would have to to book their plane tickets already wouldn't they have? If so, I think they really are leaving and you can relax.

From what you wrote about your dad. The way he guilts you and your sister and makes threats when he doesn't get his way - well its extremely manipulative regardless of if he's a good dad in other ways. He's learned manipulating you works so he'll probably continue to do it.

I'd personally work on ways to change the pattern between you and your dad in the future. I believe you can stop this pattern. My dad is actually a lot like yours and me and my sisters have found things that work so I have hope you can too.

Little Nut
01-10-17, 04:42 PM
Haha:D

I sort of got lucky. A good opprtuniry presented itself today to ask my dad about his plans and he said they are planning to leave next week.

Fuzz, Just an aside; With them being your parents, I wouldn't be surprised that they knew you were upset for quite some time, but finally realized their continued presence was what was upsetting you. In any event this may be an opportunity to open up a way to comfortably communicate future issues that may pop up.

You could start it w/ something like Dad, I was reluctant to mention this because I was afraid you'd be hurt or overreact. At first I was happy you guys came but after awhile I was ready for you guys to leave, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you or Ma that out of fear of damaging our relationship. I am feeling terrible now because at first I was just really happy that you were leaving and later I realized I shouldn't feel that way about my folks. Hopefully they would jump in and say Dear, we knew you were upset, but didn't know why. We finally figured it out after we overheard you and your hubby talking. Next time , pls just tell your Mom and I. The last thing we want is to upset our little girl that much.

Just a mental rambling on my part. -LN

Fuzzy12
01-11-17, 06:25 AM
i would try to reinforce this, somehow, fuzzy. line up whatever additional care you need for fuzzling, ask for their specific leave date, line up the car...whatever gets something on the calendar so it's less amorphous. "next week", i'm guessing here, can easily slide into every week being next week, you know?

Well j don't want to push it too much and make them feel unwanted. That's the big dilemma for me. I can cope with a few weeks extra if thst means they don't get hurt. I think.

Fuzzy12
01-11-17, 06:29 AM
I've been planning to organize my garage for 2yrs.
Still planning,getting there....I'ts still scheduled for to next week.

Why are they staying anyway for such long time ?
What are you gonna do if it happens again in a month?

Well...because they like us. :D

Also they are here to help me out and they do a lot of work. Household chores I mean. It won't happen in a month but it might happen later this year again.

I told my dad to please not stay so long again next time but maybe I should have explicitly named a specific amount of time..like not more than months in total but I just couldn't.

dvdnvwls
01-11-17, 06:33 AM
Well j don't want to push it too much and make them feel unwanted. That's the big dilemma for me. I can cope with a few weeks extra if thst means they don't get hurt. I think.
They ARE unwanted!!!

It's all right to let them know that. In fact, it's essential.

Fuzzy12
01-11-17, 06:34 AM
They would have to to book their plane tickets already wouldn't they have? If so, I think they really are leaving and you can relax.

From what you wrote about your dad. The way he guilts you and your sister and makes threats when he doesn't get his way - well its extremely manipulative regardless of if he's a good dad in other ways. He's learned manipulating you works so he'll probably continue to do it.

I'd personally work on ways to change the pattern between you and your dad in the future. I believe you can stop this pattern. My dad is actually a lot like yours and me and my sisters have found things that work so I have hope you can too.

Yes he's quite openly quite manipulative but when can I do?? Not get manipulated??

It's likely that your parents have ADHD or other things.

It's also very obvious that your parents normally ignore your needs and make decisions that help no one.

Next week is probably fine, but as others have said, you will have to "police" that yourself; they're very likely to ignore it as they have in the past.

You've conditioned yourself since childhood to continue trusting them even when they prove over and over again that they can't be trusted. Don't suddenly be hostile to them because that won't help, but the core of the matter is that you need to stop trusting your parents and start policing them.

I trust that they love me and want my beat even if they can't see what is best for me (or believe me when I tell them) or can't provide that for me.

They don't ask for anything else really. Just to stay with me whenever and how long they want.


Fuzz, Just an aside; With them being your parents, I wouldn't be surprised that they knew you were upset for quite some time, but finally realized their continued presence was what was upsetting you. In any event this may be an opportunity to open up a way to comfortably communicate future issues that may pop up.

You could start it w/ something like Dad, I was reluctant to mention this because I was afraid you'd be hurt or overreact. At first I was happy you guys came but after awhile I was ready for you guys to leave, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you or Ma that out of fear of damaging our relationship. I am feeling terrible now because at first I was just really happy that you were leaving and later I realized I shouldn't feel that way about my folks. Hopefully they would jump in and say Dear, we knew you were upset, but didn't know why. We finally figured it out after we overheard you and your hubby talking. Next time , pls just tell your Mom and I. The last thing we want is to upset our little girl that much.

Just a mental rambling on my part. -LN

I can't imagine having a sentimental conversation like that. I'd feel super awkward.:eek:

Also they neither listen to me nor understand me when they do listen ..:scratch:

Fuzzy12
01-11-17, 06:37 AM
You guys are right though. I jeed to have a much bigger more general xonversation qith them about the future..ie next year or much later when they might need to move in with us but that's the topic of jy other thread. I really don't want to have that conversation though. I just don't want to. It's hanging like a cloud over me.

Fraser_0762
01-11-17, 06:41 AM
I would just tell them to get out. But then i'm not exactly sensitive towards my own parents. They know I prefer my own company. :)

dvdnvwls
01-11-17, 06:43 AM
You guys are right though. I jeed to have a much bigger more general xonversation qith them about the future..ie next year or much later when they might need to move in with us but that's the topic of jy other thread. I really don't want to have that conversation though. I just don't want to. It's hanging like a cloud over me.
I think right now your brain is desperately trying to deflect attention away from the immediate specific conversation that you need to have with them today.

dvdnvwls
01-11-17, 06:53 AM
I trust that they love me and want my beat even if they can't see what is best for me (or believe me when I tell them) or can't provide that for me.

They don't ask for anything else really. Just to stay with me whenever and how long they want.


...

I can't imagine having a sentimental conversation like that. I'd feel super awkward.:eek:

Also they neither listen to me nor understand me when they do listen ..:scratch:
You're probably not misunderstanding these people's advice deliberately, but you're twisting it beyond recognition.

What you're telling them is not something they could in a million years misunderstand. "Please leave now, and please come back much later."


The way in which I recommended you stop trusting them is that you stop believing that they will do what they said they would do. The other sentimental stuff you wrote about trust isn't relevant right now. It's just that they rarely tell the truth and so you must watch out for that and make them stick to their promises.

kilted_scotsman
01-11-17, 09:45 AM
Yes he's quite openly quite manipulative but when can I do?? Not get manipulated??

Yes not getting manipulated is the objective......this comes from
1) Being aware that you are being manipulated
2) Become aware of how you are being manipulated
3) Becoming aware of why you are being manipulated
4) Devising strategies to maintain boundaries and counteract manipulation

They don't ask for anything else really. Just to stay with me whenever and how long they want.

There's a type of counselling/psychotherapy called "Transactional Analysis". You might find it useful as it makes explicit the "contracting" process that happens when humans interact.

It sounds like you would benefit greatly from this type of approach, so that interactions around this kind of stuff is approached in an way that recognises the need for each person to acknowledge and respect the needs and wants of the others.

One thing that the TA approach makes clear is thet the contractual approach is there to help BOTH sides avoid getting into psychological deep water by making things EXPLICIT. Many people who come for this type of therapy find it excruciatingly difficult to be explicit about their own needs and desires. It's a process of recognising these needs and articulating them from a place of awareness, authenticity and autonomy.

I can't imagine having a sentimental conversation like that. I'd feel super awkward.
See my above comments..... finding a good TA therapist to work with would help you be able to remain fully functional while "contracting" with others.

... they neither listen to me nor understand me when they do listen
THat's an indication that no contracting is happening and they do not see you as an autonomous separate person. THere's a possibility they still see you as an extension of themselves. This is not unusual and a TA therapist would help you understand this and counter the subconscious process that drive it.

If you do decide to look for a TA therapist, I 'd advise trying one with who uses what is called the "Classic" TA approach, rather than the relational TA one.

anonymouslyadd
01-11-17, 10:05 AM
From what I recall, your parents have placed a heavy burden on you before, making you feel obligated, guilty, etc. I sense your struggle and wish you didn't have to deal with it.

I like the timeline idea and helping them with the car. I think Tone mentioned that you're also doing this for them, because they know that they've overstayed their welcome.

In my marriage, I let my family come before my wife. It caused friction between she and I. :( That's what happens when there are few boundaries in the family, and you have a difficult time speaking up for yourself like I did.

Wishing the best for you.

Fuzzy12
01-11-17, 10:30 AM
Yes not getting manipulated is the objective......this comes from
1) Being aware that you are being manipulated
2) Become aware of how you are being manipulated
3) Becoming aware of why you are being manipulated
4) Devising strategies to maintain boundaries and counteract manipulation



There's a type of counselling/psychotherapy called "Transactional Analysis". You might find it useful as it makes explicit the "contracting" process that happens when humans interact.

It sounds like you would benefit greatly from this type of approach, so that interactions around this kind of stuff is approached in an way that recognises the need for each person to acknowledge and respect the needs and wants of the others.

One thing that the TA approach makes clear is thet the contractual approach is there to help BOTH sides avoid getting into psychological deep water by making things EXPLICIT. Many people who come for this type of therapy find it excruciatingly difficult to be explicit about their own needs and desires. It's a process of recognising these needs and articulating them from a place of awareness, authenticity and autonomy.


See my above comments..... finding a good TA therapist to work with would help you be able to remain fully functional while "contracting" with others.


THat's an indication that no contracting is happening and they do not see you as an autonomous separate person. THere's a possibility they still see you as an extension of themselves. This is not unusual and a TA therapist would help you understand this and counter the subconscious process that drive it.

If you do decide to look for a TA therapist, I 'd advise trying one with who uses what is called the "Classic" TA approach, rather than the relational TA one.

Yes you are right about everything. Also they do still see me as an extension of theirs rather than an autonomous person. I think.

I am not keen on doing therapy. Unless they teach me how to say no without it sounding like no. I've had counselling once and it was fairly useless.

Fuzzy12
01-11-17, 10:38 AM
I think the problem for me is that I don't really believe I have a right to ask my parents to leave or to limit their stay. I think that because I am always welcome in their house (in fact they would love for me to live with them) they should also always be welcome jn my house. I feel that they would feel alone and abandoned if I tried to limit their stay.

Little Missy
01-11-17, 10:38 AM
I think the problem for me is that I don't really believe I have a right to ask my parents to leave or to limit their stay. I think that because I am always welcome in their house (in fact they would love for me to live with them) they should also always be welcome jn my house. I feel that they would feel alone and abandoned if I tried to limit their stay.

They would.

kilted_scotsman
01-11-17, 12:50 PM
I am not keen on doing therapy. Unless they teach me how to say no without it sounding like no. I've had counselling once and it was fairly useless.

I'm interested in your desire to obfuscate and cloak what you are wanting to say. Trying to make "No" sound like something else is the root of your problem..... once you get over the fear that what you are saying is actually a kind of "No" and is coming from your desire to set boundaries and say "No" your anxiety will reduce and you'll find it gradually easier to say "No" in constructive and positive ways.

Therapists/Therapy is not one thing that either works or it doesn't..... it's an infinitely variable process that depends on many things, the most important being the relationship between the therapist and client.

What is also important is the modality (type) of therapy that is being used. In the NHS you're likely to get a short course of CBT, which is OK for some things but not the deeper stuff that's rooted in family dynamics. You also get a lot of "relational" or "person centred" therapy in private practice.....this is fine of you want to go and talk about your troubles and be held/empathised with..... but this and Psychodynamic don't give the client ANY tools to work with......they expect the client to change through some magical self examination process aided by the presence of the therapist.

TA is different..... in it's classical form it's very focussed and has a wide toolkit of metaphors which are both simple to explain/see playing out......and also have the depth needed to explore complex familial interactions.

Obviously not all TA therapists are the same..... but I'd recommend you try a few.... TA is particularly good when you have a specific issue to deal with, which has a range of causes and effects...... which would seem to apply to you.

The UK accrediting body to TA therapists is UKATA, and many will also be UKCP or BACP. TA is renown for its rigorous training process. The initial training is a Diploma in TA then people move on to a worldwide recognised TA qualification called CTA (which is pretty tough to get), after that is PTSTA then TSTA. CTA therapists and above are equivalent to UKCP, and many CTA's are UKCP accredited. Look for TA therapists in the UK here (http://www.uktransactionalanalysis.co.uk/component/directory/?Itemid=971).

It's vital not to write off therapy after seeing only one therapist...... If you live in a place with lots of options..... like Fraser and me then you will find someone. As you work on yourself it's likely that you will change therapist a couple of times as your needs change.

20thcenturyfox
01-11-17, 01:32 PM
I think the problem for me is that I don't really believe I have a right to ask my parents to leave or to limit their stay. I think that because I am always welcome in their house (in fact they would love for me to live with them) they should also always be welcome jn my house. I feel that they would feel alone and abandoned if I tried to limit their stay.

Apart from the fact that you may not feel exactly as your parents do, even if you did, don't you also have a husband, a young baby, and a job competing for your time, attention, energy and loyalty? Aren't there 2 of them and only 1 of you? Is it possible you actually "owe" it to one or more of these other priorities to limit your parents' stays?

While it's wonderful that you do love them, and that they actually do substantial work and help out, having "in-laws" living in your household is bound to interfere somewhat (maybe enormously?) in the life of the couple and of the new parents adjusting to baby, and--not least of all--new mum attending to herself and baby. For most people, this would be a mind-boggling imposition.

IMO it's not so important to have a big conversation about future visits, but just to bring this one to an end, preferably on good terms, but realize that's not entirely within your control. Once you get more comfortable with the "territory" of bringing a current visit to an end, future visits will get easier.

I think asking what people's plans are is always a good start, but it sounds like there's already a history of delay, so this will likely not be enough.

Next, of course they should not have stayed so long, but you don't need to reproach them about bygones if you frame your need for time by yourselves as something you and your husband are learning from experience as you go. Now that you've learned you need time on your own, you just thank them for coming, thank them for all their help, but it's time for your little family to be alone, establish some new routines and adjust to the new normal. Period.

And no, at this point, you do not have to balance the big and partially unknown needs of a young family with a new baby against the well-rehearsed needs of your parents. There is no comparison. Try to get a grip on your anger about having to assert this. Assert it you must. Deep down they know this.

dvdnvwls
01-11-17, 01:37 PM
I think the problem for me is that I don't really believe I have a right to ask my parents to leave or to limit their stay.
What (in your mind) would be necessary, for you to gain that right?

In fact you already have the right. I just wonder what's stopping you from understanding that.

kilted_scotsman
01-11-17, 02:27 PM
I think the problem for me is that I don't really believe I have a right to ask my parents to leave or to limit their stay. I think that because I am always welcome in their house (in fact they would love for me to live with them) they should also always be welcome jn my house.

Yes we want there to be an unconditionality in our parents love and acceptance of us, however this is rare and does not mean we can do what we like and live with them.

Good parents have unconditional love for us..... but they also set BOUNDARIES on behaviour.... they love us regardless, but they don't let us defecate on the floor, and eventually push us out the door.

We learn this from them.... and them we can practice it in the outside world..... and with them too.

Maybe the difficult you have is that this process didn't happen...... your parent didn't love you unconditionally yes also set appropriate boundaries through their behaviour.

You say your parents manipulate you and don't listen to you...... these are not the actions of unconditional love with appropriate boundaries.... if it's not happening now it's unlikely to have happened in the past..... so accept that you didn't get good modelling from your parents and you'll have to find it elsewhere....

because if you don't you won't be modelling these vital things of life to the fuzzling.

It's going to come to a rather stark choice, continue to be your parent's child, or become your child's parent.

Fuzzy12
01-11-17, 02:35 PM
They do love me unconditionally kilted. I'm sure about that and I've never doubted it. I also know that they won't stop loving me if I do or say something they don't agree with. But just because they love me doesn't me thst they won't be hurt by my actions.

I am scared though that I might not always do what's best for fuzzling for their sake. I've promised myself to not let that happen but if history is anything to go by I've got no reason to believe myself.

sarahsweets
01-11-17, 03:51 PM
Dealing with parents is never easy and this has happened many times with you and no matter what you say or do, it happens everytime. So what can be done? Can you afford to take a holiday for a week? I dont mean an elaborate cruise, literally a week away anywhere to the countryside, national park, camping , b&b or hotel? If you actually make a plan and go somewhere you can also help them plan your departure and there will be no untruths told- you would be going away and they would need to go home. It seems like you are unwilling or maybe dont feel up to the hard conversation of them ignoring your requests, house rules, wishes, needs, wants or whatever you want to call it. Since advocating for your own mental health is so hard, this seems like it could be a possible solution.

Fuzzy12
01-11-17, 07:17 PM
Sarah. I've spoken to them. They are leaving next week.

Fox, I breathed a sigh of relief when you said I didn't have to discuss the future with them. :D I really don't want to but I think I need to so that we aren't in the same situation again next year.

Yes you are right though. It is causing friction sith my husband who isn't thrilled with the situation.

For fuzzling it's actually good I think. All grand parents dote on her and she gets a bit more of stimulation.

20thcenturyfox
01-12-17, 05:45 PM
Sarah. I've spoken to them. They are leaving next week.

Fox, I breathed a sigh of relief when you said I didn't have to discuss the future with them. :D I really don't want to but I think I need to so that we aren't in the same situation again next year.

Yes you are right though. It is causing friction sith my husband who isn't thrilled with the situation.

For fuzzling it's actually good I think. All grand parents dote on her and she gets a bit more of stimulation.

Congratulations for screwing up your courage and speaking up. And remember how you did it because however much you might hope you have solved this beast forever, my bet is that it will sneak back in with each and every parental visit. It's part of the baggage you carry.

The "but" above however is that you probably owe your husband a big apology for letting this go on so long (and probably not just this year, but every year of your marriage). In a small way, you've let this bit of cowardice come between you and him and the family you are building together. Hopefully he will appreciate your noticing, and take it as an expression of renewed love and commitment to him. Maybe you can take this opportunity together to dig a bit of a moat--or at least a firmer boundary wall--around your little family, and cultivate a protective mindset so that the next time this comes up, you are clearer that it isn't just you you need to stand up for, but your husband and the growing enterprise that is depending on both of you to give it your best.

Little Missy
01-12-17, 05:53 PM
Congratulations for screwing up your courage and speaking up. And remember how you did it because however much you might hope you have solved this beast forever, my bet is that it will sneak back in with each and every parental visit. It's part of the baggage you carry.

The "but" above however is that you probably owe your husband a big apology for letting this go on so long (and probably not just this year, but every year of your marriage). In a small way, you've let this bit of cowardice come between you and him and the family you are building together. Hopefully he will appreciate your noticing, and take it as an expression of renewed love and commitment to him. Maybe you can take this opportunity together to dig a bit of a moat--or at least a firmer boundary wall--around your little family, and cultivate a protective mindset so that the next time this comes up, you are clearer that it isn't just you you need to stand up for, but your husband and the growing enterprise that is depending on both of you to give it your best.

Congratulations. You have won The Meanest Award.

Fuzzy12
01-12-17, 06:25 PM
In all fairness I wasn't very courageous. I just asked them what their plans are and thankfully their plans aren't too bad.

Then I watch them play with Fuzzling and their love and affection is so obvious and genuine thst I feel.bad about every unkind or unwelcoming thought I've ever had.

I don't know. I do feel bad for hubby but I put up with his parents and their idiosyncracies too.

And my parents are fairly old. I can't shake the thought that they won't live for much longer and every request I don't fulfill is something I will feel guilty about.

Fuzzy12
01-12-17, 06:50 PM
What I'm trying to say is that it's not that easy or clear cut for me. It's not just about rights or fairness.

They are my parents and I am interested in their well being as well. That is a need for me too.

What I really want is to find a way to get our needs met without hurting them or ignoring their needs.

So maybe the key is communicating better. Somehow getting through to them that even though I need a lot of space abd don't want to live with them full time I still care for them and will be there for them when they need me (well I would like to think I will be but who knows...).

I'm just not able to have thst conversation with them. I don't know how when I'm so bad at expressing myself and they are so bad at listening. My mom might understand but her mind is so muddled right now with depression and anxiety and even if she does understand it doesn't help as my dad makes all. The decisions.

acdc01
01-12-17, 09:51 PM
Are your parents suggesting they live full time with you or was that your idea to build the house extension?

Are they currently planning only to visit once a year for one month a year or more than that? Can you and your husband handle the amount of time they want to visit?

I know since you just had a baby they stayed longer this time.

Fraser_0762
01-12-17, 10:12 PM
Hey Fuzz, I was skimming through the thread and one thing caught my attention. When you said you were looking for a way to say no, without making it sound like you're saying no.

I'm afraid that just isn't possible. When you say no, you need to mean what you say. Otherwise it defeats the entire purpose of the point you're trying to make.

It's important to understand that it's ok to say no. It does not make you selfish, or nasty or a bad person in any way.

You're one of the most caring, compassionate people out there and people who get to know you are very fortunate to have that privilege.

But you have your own life to live and a big part of taking control of your life is having the ability to say no when your life is being impacted in a negative way.

I know you don't want to hurt anybody, let alone your own parents. It is your gentle nature and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to hurt other people, nothing wrong with that at all.

However, saying no isn't about hurting other people, it's about taking control of the situation and your own life. Nothing would make a persons parents prouder than to see their own son or daughter take control of their own life.