View Full Version : How to deal with feeling alone


Fraser_0762
01-15-17, 02:03 AM
How do you deal with the feeling of loneliness and feeling like nobody in the real world really wants to get to know you?

I don't have any real world friends. I used to have very few "friends" (people who would put up with me I suppose), but they eventually tired of me and started keeping their distance.

I now feel like everybody wants to keep their distance from me. Nobody really wants to know me or give me the time of day.

I see people all around me with their huge network of friends and groups of really close friends. Then there's me... completely isolated and unwelcome anywhere I go. :(

BellaVita
01-15-17, 03:11 AM
I can relate to many of your feelings Fraser.

To be perfectly honest, that is one reason I asked for your online chat screen name recently.

I mean, I do have a couple of people who care about me in real life, technically more than a couple, but they are busy a lot lately. And I often don't know how to initiate conversation or show that I would like to talk. And I don't want to bother anyone. I do have my dog to keep me company but sometimes I just wish for a human.

Actually this is the most people I've had in a very long time who actually do care for me, so I am blessed, but I still do struggle.

The person I talk to the most out of everybody in my real life is of course my husband, he is the main person I speak to and everyone else is like 3% of my conversations. But he is very busy working lots and I do try to soak up all the time I do spend with him.

I am unable to work so that is one thing that separates me from others. So that automatically puts me in an environment where I am not forced to have social interaction, which I guess is generally a nice thing most of the time. But I can develop loneliness at times.

Something that has helped me in the past is finding people to message online, and it actually still helps me to this day and gives me a social boost. I don't know what I would do without online social interaction.

Sorry if this post wasn't really helpful I hope I don't depress you more, I hope you can find a solution. :grouphug:

Little Nut
01-15-17, 10:46 AM
Hey Frase, Any ex-friends that you were close with and you trusted them and their opinions? If so, I would pose those very same comments/questions and ask if your assessment is accurate and any input they may have. Alternatively, any people you know that you very much respect and trust (Rabbi, minister, priest, Doc...)? If so, talk to them to set a time to talk.

I don't see this as a direct solution to your problem(s), but a way to validate your understanding of them and how to go about addressing them. HTH, -LN

john2100
01-15-17, 11:48 AM
You can't really learn to deal with what is bothering you.
Even if you could find other things to make you happy, like movies,hobby,video games,,, it would just patch the need for socialization.

Socialization over the internet works, but it is like having a girlfriend online ,where you only chat. There is something about facial expression and physical reaction and instant response to actions that can only be done with real interactions .

I would say the easiest thing would be ,finding a club ,hobbies where people meet and go from there..It doesn't have to be anything you already know.

Check out your cities activities,sport centers , cultural actives center.
Let say you see a flyer: Get in shape,,,morning runs 7am-8am ,,,you sing up ,,,and keep going there....sooner or later people will talk and get to know each other.


Let say you see a flyer: Free photography course at your college.


One important thing about making friends.
You said you were trying to hard to make friend by doing many things for them and not being able to say no.

That obviously doesn't work ,as you can see.
Turn it around. Ask people for their advice,opinions ,help . You'll see much better results.

If you go to a photography course and there is someone you like who knows more then you . You could just ask them if they could show to how to take those interesting shoots,all the setting etc. There is good chance that they will say,,,ok , let's do it Saturday,,,we can go there and there......It is still not friendship,,,,but it is a good start.

I made the best friends this away, almost by accident, where our interests made that friendship. It is easier then you think.

On the other hand I have no good friends from work.

Fraser_0762
01-15-17, 03:14 PM
Hey Frase, Any ex-friends that you were close with and you trusted them and their opinions? If so, I would pose those very same comments/questions and ask if your assessment is accurate and any input they may have. Alternatively, any people you know that you very much respect and trust (Rabbi, minister, priest, Doc...)? If so, talk to them to set a time to talk.

I don't see this as a direct solution to your problem(s), but a way to validate your understanding of them and how to go about addressing them. HTH, -LN

There are no ex-friends I can trust, hence why they are ex-friends. Nobody who dumps me off like yesterdays history can be trusted. :(

My only "friend" and "best friend" is my very own dad. We're like the same person and face the same type of challenges.

Little Missy
01-15-17, 04:11 PM
It has taken me many, many years to learn how to live with myself, within myself and by myself only without feeling alone.

Fraser_0762
01-15-17, 04:16 PM
It has taken me many, many years to learn how to live with myself, within myself and by myself only without feeling alone.

Sometimes I think i'm learning to be on my own, but one day it hits me that i'm just lying to myself and i'm not really happy being alone at all.

Unmanagable
01-15-17, 06:51 PM
Alone = All-one....interesting, huh?

I had to learn to be my own best entertainment/friend/confidant/dance partner/dining partner, etc., and then learn how to not give a damn what others think about my choices. It's only taken close to a half of a century to arrive in that comfortable space of be-ing (vs. desperately do-ing to please or hopefully attract everyone else).

I think I learned that even though I am surrounded by a few folks I feel I can call close and dear friends, feel welcomed most places I go, and have a very supportive husband and family, I finally realized all of that remains external and can be easily lost at any given moment. I am the only constant I have to fully rely upon, so I had to up my game of self-knowledge/acceptance/love.

Then I learned to actively (vs. sitting here waiting for someone to come to me, or to come get me, or to call/text me, or to make a suggestion, as I used to do) seek out things that I enjoy so much that I know I'd easily have fun there alone, and then I'd actually go check it out.

I always end up crossing paths with others who enjoy the same things or who wish to learn topics that I'm drawn to, which creates that comfortable common ground as a basis for potential discussions, and quite a few of them are truly delightful.

If I'm not feeling particularly social when the event comes up, I may still go and just choose to observe vs. participate. Always read the fine print to determine level of expected participation before diving in. ;)

Even if I don't make lifelong dear friends out of it, I still make kind human connections that help me feel better about myself and most humans, even if only for a moment. Each moment builds within and may help create more courage for the next moment, and so on, and so on.

I used to avoid ALL things at certain places if I visited once and it sucked. I finally became more comfortable with giving some things another shot, while still respecting my own boundaries, that I also finally learned to more healthily set. We may feel we struggle worse than others, but there's a whole lot of struggle behind each and every set of eyes you encounter, it just may not be apparent or the same flavor as yours.

The thing is, I still have a whole lot to learn, and a lot more to love. Life is simply a never-ending learning and loving opportunity, I've found, no matter how badly we wish we could find the specific scientific answers we want and just get on with other stuff.

I used to have my hands (and my brain) way too full of other people's stuff and all the things I was taught to hate and over-analyze to be able to have or make room for all that "lovey-dovey s***" previously, though. Letting go of ingrained expectations is/was difficult, but I found it very necessary.

A book I recently listened to reminded me of the most important things, to love hard and live fearlessly. ("Dying To Be Me" is the title) We're taught to do just the opposite. Love only those who "earn" it and live in fear of many things because, hey, it's really good for business.

Little Nut
01-16-17, 11:21 AM
There are no ex-friends I can trust, hence why they are ex-friends. Nobody who dumps me off like yesterdays history can be trusted. :(

My only "friend" and "best friend" is my very own dad. We're like the same person and face the same type of challenges.


Darn, I was hoping you had some good friends that over the course of life you grew apart. (Jobs, marriage/family, relocated....) I was hoping as a first-step you could validate your assessment of why the relationships fell-away against you old friends' assessments. Also they would have been able to provide extra insights. Maybe an ex-friend that you would trust to spend some time helping you to solve a personal issue? Just a Thought, -Tom

dvdnvwls
01-16-17, 05:09 PM
Feeling alone can be in a good way or not a good way. I don't think you can really switch it from bad to good by thinking a certain way or whatever - when you need people, you need people, and that's that.

Are there things you like to do that can involve others? Sometimes, approaching this indirectly, by taking on activities that accidentally put you in contact with people, can help.

midnightstar
01-16-17, 05:14 PM
Personally, I find for human interaction the rescue kennels and my work are the best places for me to meet anyone on a regular basis, as for being at home Ebony and Tigger are my companions and they have helped me more times than I can count :grouphug: (and yes I know they are cats but they don't judge me) ;) :grouphug: