View Full Version : Former relationship is now more former, have to vent / would like advice


Johnny Slick
01-19-17, 04:35 PM
I have a (recent) ex who is also probably ADHD (probably because it's undiagnosed) and I recently tried to open up a dialogue to get back to being friends with her again. Yeah, huge freaking mistake. She is very, very mad at me about a lot of things, some of which are my fault and some of which are not. She has never been shy about bringing these points up, and now that we aren't together she is... particularly less shy. And all that is fine, really; I would much rather hear when I am doing wrong so that I can try to fix things than to do the wrong thing for months and only find out afterwards. That being said, I feel like since we've started speaking again, she's crossed the line from explaining my faults to me to outright abuse.

Anyway, she made a BSy passive aggressive statement towards me a couple of days ago and instead of being like "okay, yeah, that was PA, this is what I really felt", she said "no, that was your interpretation but by the way you're right, I did feel ___", used this as leverage to get even madder at me, and then wound up telling me that we can't be friends.

Which, yeah, is not a great feeling. I still have feelings for this person but I also feel like a big part of the attempt to reconnect is that whole "people pleaser" thing that comes along with ADHD - I just hate that there is a person out there whom I like and who doesn't like me back, and there's this very basic, simple feeling that I think a lot of us with the condition have that this is a tough thing to live with. I also have to admit that a part of why I wanted to rekindle a friendship with this person is that I think they suffer greatly from the undiagnosed condition and I hoped, at least, that I could help her to get the treatment that she deserves.

So, as much as I enjoy this person when they aren't angry at me / sniping / abusive, I'm reaching the conclusion that I just need to completely close the book on us, and at the same time accept that whether or not she has reasons, internally, for what she does, and whether or not I empathize with what she is going through, jackassish behavior is jackassish behavior and I deserve to be around people who do not make me feel small. Even that sucks really huge rocks because for a long while she did anything but make me feel that way.

Fuzzy12
01-19-17, 05:36 PM
Close the book. Cherish the good memories that you have. By not keeping in touch at least you won't have to add bitter and unpleasant memories to them.

Pilgrim
01-19-17, 05:38 PM
It's a liberating feeling when you don't care what a lot of people feel about you. You are always going to care about some people you come into contact with.

Whenever you fall into people pleaser mode, I've found in more permanent relationships, it's not good bedrock.

acdc01
01-19-17, 05:41 PM
Sorry for your suffering.

I think your last paragraph conclusion sounds like good advice to me. Think you know what you should do already even if it's tough.

As far as the ADHD thing goes, does she already know you have ADHD? Cause if she does, I kind of wonder if she's just in denial about herself and you couldn't reach her if you tried. If you really wanted to, you could just message her about maybe she has ADHD and that you just wanted her to know, cause if the situations were reversed, you would have wanted her to tell you as well. Word of warning though, she may be in denial or just too angry and might do nothing but lash back at you. But you do have nothing to lose since your friendship is over anyway.

Johnny Slick
01-19-17, 07:21 PM
She told me she thinks she has it but refuses to see anyone for it. I think she's afraid someone's going to tell her that no, she's full of crap (in fact, I'm almost positive that in that conversation she expressed fears that she'd be "gaslighted").

FWIW I have already not only told her that, since my own diagnosis, I agree with her that she has it, but I've offered to get a referral from my own therapist (who specializes in ADHD - obviously he wouldn't be the one treating her, but he's surely got friends at the institution he works for who also specialize in the subject). Her response was that a. I was trying to take the focus away from her anger at me (in part because of something I said that I shouldn't have said right after the breakup, in part, frankly, because she was ****** off that I got diagnosed as easily as I did*), b. the therapist that she was seeing previously didn't make the diagnosis because "he didn't believe in labels", and c. she doesn't want a therapist, just a GP who will give her Ritalin.

Otherwise, thanks for all the support, folks. This is a hard decision to make but I guess not a mentally difficult one.

*I don't mean to make this seem like a small thing. I think that women in general have a much harder row to hoe when it comes to getting diagnosed with the condition, and I think that in particular *my* symptoms were really, really obvious, to the extent that my therapist broached this subject roughly 15 minutes into the first meeting. Mine is definitely the ADHD-H flavor, and it's a long, long story regarding why I wasn't diagnosed 25 or more years earlier. But she has it and I do totally see where she'd be very miffed that society as a whole seems to be conspiring to ignore this fact about her.

Little Missy
01-19-17, 07:43 PM
Close the book. Cherish the good memories that you have. By not keeping in touch at least you won't have to add bitter and unpleasant memories to them.

thisthisthisthisthis This This This go away gracefully.

Johnny Slick
01-19-17, 07:55 PM
Heh, you SAY that but I have to admit that I've been obsessing over this crap since we broke up 2 months ago. Maybe this will be the point to where I'm ****** off enough that I can finally really break the cord (I mean, the cord is broken anyway, but I'm talking more about my thinking about it and her too much).

aeon
01-19-17, 07:56 PM
Cut and run.

This relationship is over, but it’s good you learned from it.

So you can do better next time.


Cheers,
Ian

willow129
01-19-17, 08:20 PM
I'm cheering you on in your last paragraph! It's sad that it's so painful but it will get easier and make more sense with time and distance. Time to be around people and things that make you feel worthwhile! It's sweet that you're sensitive to her possible ADHD, but she's already decided to shut you down and you can't make her do anything. It's up to her.
:grouphug:

sarahsweets
01-20-17, 05:30 AM
I have a (recent) ex who is also probably ADHD (probably because it's undiagnosed) and I recently tried to open up a dialogue to get back to being friends with her again. Yeah, huge freaking mistake. She is very, very mad at me about a lot of things, some of which are my fault and some of which are not. She has never been shy about bringing these points up, and now that we aren't together she is... particularly less shy. And all that is fine, really; I would much rather hear when I am doing wrong so that I can try to fix things than to do the wrong thing for months and only find out afterwards. That being said, I feel like since we've started speaking again, she's crossed the line from explaining my faults to me to outright abuse.
The fact that you would rather hear about being "wrong" is an issue. Who says you are wrong? What is wrong in relationships? Is she without flaws? Who cares if in the past she has shared her feelings on how wrong you are, is it really her business? Is she the "righter" of "wrongs"?


Anyway, she made a BSy passive aggressive statement towards me a couple of days ago and instead of being like "okay, yeah, that was PA, this is what I really felt", she said "no, that was your interpretation but by the way you're right, I did feel ___", used this as leverage to get even madder at me, and then wound up telling me that we can't be friends.

Good. Im glad she told you that because it wouldnt be a friendship anyway. Who the hell has a right to invalidate your feelings and tell you how you feel?

Which, yeah, is not a great feeling. I still have feelings for this person but I also feel like a big part of the attempt to reconnect is that whole "people pleaser" thing that comes along with ADHD - I just hate that there is a person out there whom I like and who doesn't like me back, and there's this very basic, simple feeling that I think a lot of us with the condition have that this is a tough thing to live with. I also have to admit that a part of why I wanted to rekindle a friendship with this person is that I think they suffer greatly from the undiagnosed condition and I hoped, at least, that I could help her to get the treatment that she deserves.

I swear that people pleasing should be added to the DSM because of how toxic it is to and how it undermines people's self esteem. This part is your issue to deal with, and being in a friendship or having contact with anyone who can sniff this out will make it impossible for you to have a healthy relationship with them. ADHD aside, the people pleasing part will destroy you faster than the adhd.

So, as much as I enjoy this person when they aren't angry at me / sniping / abusive, I'm reaching the conclusion that I just need to completely close the book on us, and at the same time accept that whether or not she has reasons, internally, for what she does, and whether or not I empathize with what she is going through, jackassish behavior is jackassish behavior and I deserve to be around people who do not make me feel small. Even that sucks really huge rocks because for a long while she did anything but make me feel that way.
This is good. You are right. It doesnt matter what her point may be, it doesnt matter what she thinks is right. She seems to be someone who has that idea that they are the master of the universe of right and wrong and that its her calling to point that out to people and especially do so in an abusive way with intimate relationships. Keep away from her and try and be open to some therapy so you can avoid this in the future.

One of the hardest things I had to learn (through recovery) is that what other people think of ME, is none of MY business.

Johnny Slick
01-20-17, 10:20 AM
Yeah, those are all great points and things I do need to work on, thanks. I particularly get the "righter of wrongs" thing; it started to feel like she thought she was actually doing me favors with the abuse, to the extent that, when I told her at the tail end of the conversation that a big part of why I took the "hey you did this wrong too" stuff the way that I did was because she'd said previously that she often feels that men don't validate her feelings, she went into the final stages of super angry.

All of this is not to say that I am anywhere near an innocent party in all of this stuff. She wasn't really lying when she brought up all the wrongs; those were things that I did. Even in the context of this last blow up it came on the heels of my grazing for compliments on something (it didn't feel like that's what I was doing at the time but I've shown the transcript of the conversation to a friend and they were like "oh yeah, that's totally what you did though"). But she got *really* nasty, and whether that was righteous anger or not, she I think deliberately went in a couple directions she knew were going to cause me pain, and as much as I'd like to think otherwise this person is not a good person, at least not for me.

Guhhhhhh. Sorry to sound like a broken record on this, but it's a simple choice but not an easy one.

Drewbacca
01-20-17, 08:58 PM
She has things that she needs to work on; move on. You both need to focus on individual growth and she clearly has a lot of resentment (deserved or not) towards you.

She is in no position to treat you as a patient and vice versa; you can't help one another by attempting to diagnose and treat each others' flaws in regards to the former relationship.

Johnny Slick
01-24-17, 06:00 PM
So... after several days away I do agree with this person that my initial interaction with her was emotionally manipulative, needy, and pathetic. There is part of me that wants to apologize to her for this because owning up to my faults makes me a better person, but more important than mutual acknowledgement of this is that the both of us need things out of a friendship that neither one of us can provide for the other, and at this point even spending a couple minutes in "proximity" (online here rather than in person) would just be toxic.

I'm thinking that maybe in 6 months or so I'll send them a letter or a message apologizing for the one thing, and then that will be that.

I just wanted to call out sarahsweets' advice one more time because I really, really like it.

This is good. You are right. It doesnt matter what her point may be, it doesnt matter what she thinks is right. She seems to be someone who has that idea that they are the master of the universe of right and wrong and that its her calling to point that out to people and especially do so in an abusive way with intimate relationships. Keep away from her and try and be open to some therapy so you can avoid this in the future.

One of the hardest things I had to learn (through recovery) is that what other people think of ME, is none of MY business.Yeah, harsh but fair. These are not only things I needed to hear but I *know* that if I had a friend who came up to me telling me their SO was doing this stuff, I'd be telling them to run, run away too. This person is a very complicated person with a ton of really incredible things about her. It is hard to emotionally reconcile that with the fact that when it comes down to it, and whatever her reasons for it may be, she's just kind of mean.

Bluedasher
01-24-17, 09:01 PM
I took time to thoroughly read the OP. Afraid I don't have the attention span tonight to read all the responses so I apologize if this has already been stated, but in the last two months have you taken time to think about whether or not you want to "rekindle a friendship" for her sake or for your own?

Are you operating off of guilt because you feel that she may have this disorder and you feel an obligation to intervene? Do you feel guilty for not recognizing that she may have had this disorder when you two were together or not getting her the help (therapy/medication) you think she would have and still would benefit from?

Are you motivated to become friends again more so now because you largely hate the idea that she thinks badly of you and you desperately want to explain yourself or help her understand your actions? Or do you legitimately in your heart of hearts miss the friendship you two had?

If you have to contemplate the answers to these questions then perhaps moving on is indeed the best idea for you, mate. You also mentioned that she didn't often communicate well when you were together and now a couple months later she seems to have no issue doing so. Sure that can be because she's a shy individual and you obviously know more than me, but it may also be because when ya'll were in a relationship she wanted to spare your feelings, or perhaps didn't view you as being receptive. I know us ADHD people aren't necessarily the most approachable individuals because we never seem to listen. Maybe that's just me. Now that you've opened the lines of communication again and are trying to be receptive, she's just letting all of her thoughts and feelings pour out at once. Nothing wrong with that, but it can indeed be tough on the receiving end. Give her some space and let her sort things out on her own terms.

If I was a betting man I'd say that if you simply apologized one last time and told her that you want what's best for her, but that you will respect her wishes and give her space. Also adding that you're only a text away if she wants someone to talk to, I bet she will initiate communication again on her own. So that option is available if you want it. Ultimately, the choice is yours, mate. I'm not here to advice you on what to do, just trying to help you make the best decision you can. Peace.

Johnny Slick
01-25-17, 12:26 AM
Well... it's complicated because the answer is, or at least was, yes to all of those, especially the last one. When we got along, she was great - hilarious, witty, smart, super fun to be around. This would be super easy if the only thing that kept me wanting to be her friend was guilt or a need to feel wanted (and I'm not about to say those aren't factors, since, well, I admitted they are).

I think I'm at a point where even an apology requires space, to that last bit.