View Full Version : I need help but am having trouble reaching out.


Tofur24
01-22-17, 04:59 PM
Hello everyone. I made this a bit longer than I intended so if you'd like to skip to the last 3 or 4 paragraphs you will get the jist of things.

Current medication: dextroamphetamine (dexedrine) 15 mg ER twice a day

I think it important to point out I have a history of "disorders" and have been diagnosed with OCD, depression and anxiety in the past, as a child and as a teenager and have taken medications for these disorders. None of the treatment or medication ever worked or made me feel any different. As far as ADHD is concerned, it all began four years ago.

I was in a very bad state of mind. I'd lost all hope of getting better and living a normal life. I began going to all these different doctors and trying to get answers and the right help for me, as medications were ineffective. After several doctors opinions, one came to the idea that I might be suffering from adhd. I was prescribed dextroamphetamine ER. After a while I had worked my way up to 40 mg a day ( might sound a little extreme to some, in fact my doctor was a bit hesitant to prescribe this much ) but the smaller doses just weren't cutting it.

The first year was amazing! I had never felt so at peace with myself, it was with out a doubt the best I had ever felt in my life. It was like all the clouds were gone from my head. I found a great job that I would have never had the courage or will to get before and things were going great. It was almost to good to be true.

The next year or so went by just as well but things slowly began to change. The side effects started to appear and I started to experience problems sleeping, eating, my OCD was starting to appear again ( excessively washing hands, going around the house several times to check that all the water taps were turned off and that the doors were locked ) and occasional elevated heart rate. Within this time I had returned home from a long trip overseas to find that my doctor had abruptly quit the business without a heads up to any of her patients.

I eventually found an adhd specialist. I felt that although the side effects I experienced seem potentially dangerous, that for the time being it was worth the risk, and that without the medication I would be my old miserable self again. I decided not to discuss these side effects with my new doctor in fear that she would cut me off. She did infact not think it was necessary to take 40 mg so cut it down to 30 mg. This was a bit hard to cope with.

I managed through it all though and found an even better job out of town. I got my own apartment and things were going good. Then the side effects became more apparent and I was really having a hard time sleeping, eating, the OCD ticks, and worst of all my blood pressure and heart rate were increasing more frequently. It's hard to believe but the side effects were actually much worse after cutting my dose to 30mg. Things started to spiral from there.

After the project I was working on finished ( construction ) I was without a job. I decided to move back in with my dad temporarily until work picked up again and I was still optimistic about the future. That was 8 months ago. I have spent the majority of that time glued to the couch, mentally unable to get on with my life. I've felt I've hit rock bottom in the past but this is a whole new level of low.

I can't explain what's causing me to act this way, I went from having the most positive outlook on life to zero motivation and just a miserable bitter human. Ive become a hermit who doesn't want to leave the house. I have zero friends and haven't socialized with anyone since my job ended. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and feel like my family is constantly harassing me about this unhealthy behavior even though I know they are just trying to help. I've started to become aggressive (not physically) towards my family and have been in constant bitter feuds with the only people I have left.

I am in a very bad cycle and everyday is just repeating itself. It's slowly gotten worse and worse. I'm constantly attempting to set goals and get things done but after trying a few things I eventually run out of steam and give up.

I've started to wonder how dependent I've become to the medication. Don't get me wrong, it helped me so much at the beginning But looking back now I realize how drastically my behavior is changed from the medication. I would be lying if I said I didn't experience euphoria or mood boosting effects, or that occasionally I didn't show characteristics of someone on speed ( jittery, hyper-focused, fast talking, etc.) I have never abused my medicine or took more than prescribed. I used to be able to take breaks from it on weekends or days off but now I can't go one single day without it.

I'm afraid to seek professional help because i don't want them to take away my medication. I feel like I might not be able to function properly without it, as silly as that sounds. But if I don't do anything then I might be stuck in this rut forever. So to be perfectly honest i do believe the medication has helped tremendously and still has the potential to help. I also believe there is another underlying issue here wether it's OCD, anxiety, etc. that is causing me so much distress. Part of the problem to is I haven't had a good night sleep in months so I'm sure this is effecting my mental state to some degree. I would really like to take a break from the meds but I just don't have the will anymore.

I think another reason why I'm hesitant to seek professional help is the fact that I'm almost 25 and I've spent almost my entire life trying to solve my behavior health and to think that I might have to go through it all again terrifies me. I'm sorry for dragging this on for so long, I could really use some opinions or advice from anyone that's experienced or witnessed anything like this, or is/has also struggled with multiple disorders. Thank you all.

aeon
01-22-17, 08:32 PM
Different people require different dosages of dextroamphetamine. I was on 60mg/day of Dex ER, and right now I am evaluating a trial of 60mg/day of Dex IR.

As far as your comorbids go, my sense is that you need to work with someone who has extensive experience in prescribing and managing multiple psychopharmaceuticals for a given patient.

There are medications that may help with OCD, and some can work nicely alongside dextroamphetamine.

The same can be said of multiple anxiolytics.

Don't worry about your meds being taken away. Trust in, and work with, a clinician who can help you address your issues in an integral, patient-focused way. Your well-being is what is important here, not taking any particular med.

Be honest with your doctor about your issues, past, goals, concerns, sleep, and fears. You want to develop a relationship of trust...which will go a long way to helping you arrive at a solution that works for you.


Well-wishes,
Ian

Fraser_0762
01-22-17, 08:54 PM
Ian is right. It sounds like you're in a dark place right now and you need to reach out to someone. If you feel that you really need to stop taking the medication for a while, but are struggling with withdrawal. Then you need to discus that with a professional. They won't take you directly off the medication, but they will work with you to help you gradually taper yourself off it and make the transition as unpleasant as possible for you.

Just remember that no matter how you're feeling right now, it won't last forever. You will see better days. Try to get yourself into a positive frame of mind and stay there for as long as possible. Practice that every day and gradually you will begin to feel better.

sarahsweets
01-23-17, 05:13 AM
I eventually found an adhd specialist. I felt that although the side effects I experienced seem potentially dangerous, that for the time being it was worth the risk, and that without the medication I would be my old miserable self again. I decided not to discuss these side effects with my new doctor in fear that she would cut me off. She did infact not think it was necessary to take 40 mg so cut it down to 30 mg. This was a bit hard to cope with.

I get it about the fear of discussing side effects or something that might make it seem like the dex is bad choice for you but you really should reconsider. If something major happens, you dont want to have to feel afraid to say something just because you are worried about how you will seem, or that you were not honest about how the medication made you feel. You dont want to have to start keeping track of lies or what you have or havent told the doc about whats going on for you.



I can't explain what's causing me to act this way, I went from having the most positive outlook on life to zero motivation and just a miserable bitter human. Ive become a hermit who doesn't want to leave the house. I have zero friends and haven't socialized with anyone since my job ended. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and feel like my family is constantly harassing me about this unhealthy behavior even though I know they are just trying to help. I've started to become aggressive (not physically) towards my family and have been in constant bitter feuds with the only people I have left.

This is a perfect example of why you should be honest with your doc. This might all seem strange or at least very atypical and influence the way she continues to treat you.

I am in a very bad cycle and everyday is just repeating itself. It's slowly gotten worse and worse. I'm constantly attempting to set goals and get things done but after trying a few things I eventually run out of steam and give up.

I've started to wonder how dependent I've become to the medication. Don't get me wrong, it helped me so much at the beginning But looking back now I realize how drastically my behavior is changed from the medication. I would be lying if I said I didn't experience euphoria or mood boosting effects, or that occasionally I didn't show characteristics of someone on speed ( jittery, hyper-focused, fast talking, etc.) I have never abused my medicine or took more than prescribed. I used to be able to take breaks from it on weekends or days off but now I can't go one single day without it.

You have to determine what you mean by dependent. Do you mean addicted? I dont think so. If you are dependent, thats a good thing because it means that it works for you doing what its supposed to do, and that its at the very least the right med, even if the dose needs to be tweaked.
I am dependent on my meds. I am dependent on my bipolar meds, and without them I assure you things would go down fast and hard. I am not getting high off any of them but they do improve my mood and concentration. I am dependent on my adderall- it truly would makes me a hazard to not be medicated when it comes to things like driving and paying attention to danger. It does improve my mood and sometimes I might still be lucky enough to have some kind of euphoria, and sometimes I dont. It doesnt matter. I know what my motives are and if these meds are the difference between a life worth living then I dont give a crap about being dependent on them.

I'm afraid to seek professional help because i don't want them to take away my medication. I feel like I might not be able to function properly without it, as silly as that sounds. But if I don't do anything then I might be stuck in this rut forever. So to be perfectly honest i do believe the medication has helped tremendously and still has the potential to help. I also believe there is another underlying issue here wether it's OCD, anxiety, etc. that is causing me so much distress. Part of the problem to is I haven't had a good night sleep in months so I'm sure this is effecting my mental state to some degree. I would really like to take a break from the meds but I just don't have the will anymore.

I think another reason why I'm hesitant to seek professional help is the fact that I'm almost 25 and I've spent almost my entire life trying to solve my behavior health and to think that I might have to go through it all again terrifies me. I'm sorry for dragging this on for so long, I could really use some opinions or advice from anyone that's experienced or witnessed anything like this, or is/has also struggled with multiple disorders. Thank you all.

You cant be afraid of help. No doctor can treat you safely and fairly if you are not honest. If you have another disorder going on that is causing your issues and its actually NOT related to medication, how will your doc know? What if there is a med that balances it all out or needs adjusting but your doc doesnt know enough about your symptoms do adjust it?
Why live in misery one single day more?