View Full Version : Having a pity party.


finallyfound10
01-23-17, 01:47 PM
I'm feeling very, very low. I wish I could go back and tell myself things or do more to help her when I was in my 20's and 30's.

You don't know what you don't know. Right??

"When you know better, you do better." Oprah quoting Maya Angelou.


Why do some "know" and others don't??


These questions are stemming from what's going on or not going on in my life:

No close friends anymore, bad at my job and looking for a new one, 47 and childless, very bad with money, would like to "do life with someone" but not together enough yet, mother died in 2007, father active alcoholic but doing ok, sister and nieces several states away (they were here visiting and just left this morning which is when the feelings really hit.)

Thank you for listening! I do feel a bit better!

midnightstar
01-23-17, 02:00 PM
I don't know the answers finallyfound but I got some :grouphug:s for you :grouphug:

Fuzzy12
01-23-17, 02:00 PM
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Fuzzy12
01-23-17, 02:02 PM
I wish that too. Even now. I always will.

What would you tell your younger self?

(If you'd like to share )

:grouphug:

finallyfound10
01-23-17, 02:13 PM
Fuzzy,

Let me think about it and then I'll post.

aeon
01-23-17, 04:06 PM
would like to "do life with someone" but not together enough yet,

Love doesn't concern itself with such things, so it doesn't matter, you're always ready anyway.

Don't limit yourself by thinking such things.

You could find the love of your life at 47, trust me on this. ;)


Cheers,
Ian

Johnny Slick
01-23-17, 07:14 PM
Yeah, if anything you've got a fair bit of the puzzle unlocked now. The biggest reason IMO why people don't "find love" or otherwise achieve the success they want to achieve when they're 47 or 68 or whatever is because there are circumstances and personal issues that have always sat in their way, stuff that maybe could have been changed a little at 20 but which are pretty rigidly in place by the time they're middle aged. What you have in your hands now, assuming you're newly diagnosed, but even if you're not, is the knowledge that some things that were previously beyond your control helped to lead to that lack of happiness. Now you can change those things, get better for own sake and become a better person, and then through that find that connection in others that you desire.

Yeah, sure, it sucks that some people figure this out in their 20s and 30s, but on the other hand some people never do figure this out at all. You did the best that you could with the information you were given, and if you didn't succeed, it was because your information was bad, not anything to do with you.

finallyfound10
01-23-17, 11:27 PM
I wish that too. Even now. I always will.

What would you tell your younger self?

(If you'd like to share )

:grouphug:


I would tell myself in my 20's that having zero desire for marriage and kids is fine but just to think about what life might look like 20, 30 even 50 years into the future.

I would tell myself in my 30's that what I thought was a years-long heartbreak was really more about "Daddy issues" specifically abandonment and Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) issues.


Save

Drewbacca
01-24-17, 02:08 AM
but not together enough yet

Story of my life... probably the reason why I'll go childless as well, as I'd love to be a parent but can barely take care of myself.

I think a lot of that is anxiety though... you're never going to be ready, but you have to move anyway.

finallyfound10
01-24-17, 01:41 PM
Yeah, if anything you've got a fair bit of the puzzle unlocked now. The biggest reason IMO why people don't "find love" or otherwise achieve the success they want to achieve when they're 47 or 68 or whatever is because there are circumstances and personal issues that have always sat in their way, stuff that maybe could have been changed a little at 20 but which are pretty rigidly in place by the time they're middle aged. What you have in your hands now, assuming you're newly diagnosed, but even if you're not, is the knowledge that some things that were previously beyond your control helped to lead to that lack of happiness. Now you can change those things, get better for own sake and become a better person, and then through that find that connection in others that you desire.

Yeah, sure, it sucks that some people figure this out in their 20s and 30s, but on the other hand some people never do figure this out at all. You did the best that you could with the information you were given, and if you didn't succeed, it was because your information was bad, not anything to do with you.

The things that I am referring to truly were things beyond my control. I didn't know what was wrong with me and now I do- at least a little bit more insight anyway.

Drewbacca
01-24-17, 03:55 PM
The things that I am referring to truly were things beyond my control. I didn't know what was wrong with me and now I do- at least a little bit more insight anyway.

So, you want to go back and tell yourself that those things were outside of your control?

finallyfound10
01-24-17, 04:34 PM
So, you want to go back and tell yourself that those things were outside of your control?

Yes, that's what I would like to do.

dvdnvwls
01-24-17, 04:59 PM
So, you want to go back and tell yourself that those things were outside of your control?

Yes, that's what I would like to do.
Rewriting the story of your life that is kept in your own mind, to bring it closer to the truth, is something you can definitely do.

Evil people do similar rewriting, but with the aim of making their evil actions seem good. I'm sure you've seen that, where the person's internal story of themselves makes them look like a complete angel despite the fact that they're anything but.

When you do it the right way, as you're doing, correcting your narrative to bring it closer to reality, it's a very good thing.

Johnny Slick
01-24-17, 05:51 PM
Yes, that's what I would like to do.Sadly, you can't travel back in time, but what you can do is look back at your own history and accept that you did the best that you could with the data that you had available. I feel like a lot of regret comes from thinking that you could have and/or should have made better choices. What I am saying is that, at least to the extent that ADHD and the baggage that comes along with it goes, you *couldn't* have made any better choices. It sucks that your life (or my life, even - I could list all the things I wanted to do that I never had the courage to do until it was too late but I am at work and the bosses wouldn't like it if they caught me spending 12 hours typing all this stuff in) didn't go the way you'd have wanted it to, but that it didn't isn't your fault. It's just a crappy thing that life did to you.

I'm working through some of the exact same things as well FWIW. If I let myself brood too much on the stuff I missed out on, I know that I can get myself depressed, too. But there's still time to do stuff. Maybe you can't be a concert pianist or star on Saturday Night Live, but you can still do a ton to make yourself happy.

Speaking for myself, more than feeling bitter or sad or whatever about this late diagnosis, I'm just freaking *elated* - elated that I didn't psych myself out of taking improv theatre classes even though I'm 42 and haven't done any kind of acting since high school, elated that I'm taking voice lessons for the first time since I was 19, even elated a bit that I've finally managed to open myself up to other people to experience meaningful romantic relationships for the first time in my life (which, granted, the last one crashed and burned in spectacular fashion but that's all part of the process, isn't it?).

I can't say that this is the only way people ought to feel, of course, and I hope I'm not diminishing your own feelings here. I'm just pointing out that there are alternate ways to view the situation you're in.

anonymouslyadd
01-25-17, 12:09 AM
:grouphug:

finallyfound10
01-31-17, 12:38 AM
Sadly, you can't travel back in time, but what you can do is look back at your own history and accept that you did the best that you could with the data that you had available. I feel like a lot of regret comes from thinking that you could have and/or should have made better choices. What I am saying is that, at least to the extent that ADHD and the baggage that comes along with it goes, you *couldn't* have made any better choices. It sucks that your life (or my life, even - I could list all the things I wanted to do that I never had the courage to do until it was too late but I am at work and the bosses wouldn't like it if they caught me spending 12 hours typing all this stuff in) didn't go the way you'd have wanted it to, but that it didn't isn't your fault. It's just a crappy thing that life did to you.

I'm working through some of the exact same things as well FWIW. If I let myself brood too much on the stuff I missed out on, I know that I can get myself depressed, too. But there's still time to do stuff. Maybe you can't be a concert pianist or star on Saturday Night Live, but you can still do a ton to make yourself happy.

Speaking for myself, more than feeling bitter or sad or whatever about this late diagnosis, I'm just freaking *elated* - elated that I didn't psych myself out of taking improv theatre classes even though I'm 42 and haven't done any kind of acting since high school, elated that I'm taking voice lessons for the first time since I was 19, even elated a bit that I've finally managed to open myself up to other people to experience meaningful romantic relationships for the first time in my life (which, granted, the last one crashed and burned in spectacular fashion but that's all part of the process, isn't it?).

I can't say that this is the only way people ought to feel, of course, and I hope I'm not diminishing your own feelings here. I'm just pointing out that there are alternate ways to view the situation you're in.

Thank you. No, I don't feel like you diminished my feelings at all! It's true that I couldn't have made better choices with the "limited" knowledge and insight that I had at the time.

I'm very happy to hear that things are coming together for you! I'm very slowly getting there, I think.