View Full Version : Shutting down


Csmommie11
01-23-17, 03:13 PM
Has any other parents that have kids with ADHD had them to shut down and not talk to anyone for about 20-30 minutes? And would this be considered being defiant cause that's what I was told by the principal at my son's school?

dvdnvwls
01-23-17, 03:35 PM
It's possible that he's just in a situation that's very very stressful for him and he can't take it. Is he what you would call defiant when he's with you?

I suspect that the principal might be way off on this one.

Caco3girl
01-24-17, 10:59 AM
Yes, my son on occasion will shut down but the thought process behind it is that his brain is overloaded with too many things he didn't understand. He knows he did something wrong but doesn't understand what just happened so he just keeps his mouth shut and will sometimes say yes or no but usually he just keeps shrugging his shoulders, won't look anyone in the eye. Overall, I guess that could look defiant but really he just needs time while he tries to sort something out in his brain, and he doesn't want to make it worse.

Little Missy
01-24-17, 11:15 AM
Has any other parents that have kids with ADHD had them to shut down and not talk to anyone for about 20-30 minutes? And would this be considered being defiant cause that's what I was told by the principal at my son's school?

The principal is pulling your chain. Go and pull his/or hers in person and then see what answer gets stammered back to you. The principal is paid with your taxes and is not in charge of your son.

Caco3girl
01-24-17, 03:58 PM
The poster is in Alabama...I live in GA. Here they have particular phrases they have to use when they are coding a child's misbehavior. They use words like "Off-task", "Defiant", "Disrespectful"....then they give the wrong doing a code and it goes into the kids record.

In the strictest sense of the word the child was being defiant if he refused to answer a direct question. I hope this kid has an IEP. My son didn't and all his off-task, defiant, and disruptive behavior landed him in the principles office weekly! Seriously, he spent over 20 days in In School Suspension for the stupidest crud I have ever heard of. Tapping, when the teacher told him not to, blurting out questions without raising his hand, tapping the door jam on his way out of class, zoning off when he should have been working...etc....nothing mean or harmful, violent or disrespectful. Half the time he was sent to the office he had no idea what he had just done to be sent there. Thank God for the IEP.

dvdnvwls
01-24-17, 05:28 PM
In a situation like that, remember that you as the parent are also being labelled with the same kinds of codes. If you make yourself hard to like or hard to have empathy for, you will not be taken seriously. That's bad, but it's still true.

sarahsweets
01-25-17, 05:55 AM
Thats ridiculous but its something we as parents of kids with adhd are all to familiar with. What do his teachers say? Do they agree with the principal? Are any of them on your side? Sometimes you can find that one teacher that gets it and wants to help a child who struggles without judgement. Others want a child to be an adorable little robot and when they are not, sends them to the office where they only help they get is discipline that is meant to punish, not correct.

stef
01-25-17, 07:40 AM
goodness I'm way over 40 and may shut down if I can't process too much at once!
Can you explain this to the school clearly, and make sure they understand he's not being "defiant" ?

Little Missy
01-25-17, 08:13 AM
I may just shut down and send that principal a shot of what it looks like.

sarahsweets
01-26-17, 05:38 AM
It sounds like he is being punished for something he cant help. Personally I would ask for a meeting with the school.

Faraway
01-26-17, 12:27 PM
i think itīs not a matter of definition but of long-term strategy.
dvdnvwls put it in a nutshell.
itīs probably the best to start a charme offensive on the principal.
Understand him a lot and make him understand your son better.
And even if it doesnīt work at once - you should be sufficiently sucessfull in the long run if you do so consistantly.

sarahsweets
01-27-17, 05:51 AM
i think itīs not a matter of definition but of long-term strategy.
dvdnvwls put it in a nutshell.
itīs probably the best to start a charme offensive on the principal.
Understand him a lot and make him understand your son better.
And even if it doesnīt work at once - you should be sufficiently sucessfull in the long run if you do so consistantly.

This is a good first step- but until you have a lot of experience dealing with schools and your adhd children, you think that being nice about things will work.
I was nice about things until I figured out that the school would have to spend more money on getting my son the support he needed and that labeling him as bad or trouble was easier on the teachers and school......
I had to go to bat for him.There was no nastiness involved but there was also no mistake being made for how serious I was and how I wasnt going to be bullied.
I had to read and understand the laws, the time lines they were allowed. I had to learn how to request stuff formally which was always certified letters that I requested delivery confirmation on.
I had to learn how long they had to respond and if they were allowed to punish my kids for their difficulties if the difficulties had to do with their disabilities.
You have to learn this for yourself, there are no reliable handbooks other than PRISE which can still be confusing for parents.

I get it that people want to get results and that for the most part nice people get better results than nasty people but there is a big difference for not taking red-tape bull*hit and being nasty.

Faraway
01-27-17, 10:23 AM
until I figured out that the school would have to spend more money on getting my son the support he needed and that labeling him as bad or trouble was easier on the teachers and school......


I didnīt know that, but of course that changes all, sorry.
(the who-has-to-pay-for-what-discussion is rather different here)

sarahsweets
01-28-17, 08:13 AM
I didnīt know that, but of course that changes all, sorry.
(the who-has-to-pay-for-what-discussion is rather different here)

No need to apologize at all! its just perspective because like it or not, somethings truly boil down to money that needs to be spent.

Caco3girl
01-30-17, 12:06 PM
I didnīt know that, but of course that changes all, sorry.
(the who-has-to-pay-for-what-discussion is rather different here)

I agree 100%. When my son was being sent to the office every single week for his ADHD behavior it just seemed common place for the VP to call me with a "Yup, we've had another problem and he will have to spend some time in in school suspension."

Then he got the diagnoses and all of a sudden he wasn't being defiant, refusing to listen to his teachers, off-task...and a slew of other names they have to use in their coding he was being "redirected often", and that didn't get him sent to the office.

dvdnvwls
01-30-17, 01:54 PM
My slightly-off-topic bit of perspective:

(based on what was just said)

It just struck me that my ex-wife frequently decided that I needed in-marriage suspensions for going off task and being defiant, and they ended up happening so much that I was expelled.

With ADHD, so much depends on how those around us view our situation.

and...

Moving from childhood to adulthood is in some ways nothing more than a change of scenery.

Caco3girl
01-31-17, 09:14 AM
My slightly-off-topic bit of perspective:

(based on what was just said)

It just struck me that my ex-wife frequently decided that I needed in-marriage suspensions for going off task and being defiant, and they ended up happening so much that I was expelled.

With ADHD, so much depends on how those around us view our situation.

and...

Moving from childhood to adulthood is in some ways nothing more than a change of scenery.
Good perspective actually. An ADHD persons partner should be able to flow with, adapt to, and accept their partners ADHD, not get frustrated by intrinsic habits.

chirsman
02-14-17, 05:44 PM
I don't think that's defiant behavior. My son is almost 11 and has ADHD and does the same thing you're describing when he gets upset about a particular assignment or gets stressed out or overwhelmed. It sounds like a principal that's not educated in ADHD. It happens at school sometimes and at home when doing homework. At home, we've found it best for him to remove himself from the situation and go lay down for a little bit. After a little while he'll come out and will continue working.

Cyllya
02-16-17, 01:19 AM
When I was a kid, I had occasional bouts of being unable to speak. (Getting overloaded enough to have difficulty speaking well is still very frequent.)

Potentially relevant: selective mutism (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_mutism)